Here’s a list of all of the major characters & locations that have appeared on the show so far. Of course, if you aren’t caught up, you might see some potential spoilers. You have been warned!
- In our game, there is a house rule that, once per session, the group can agree to roll a d20 in order to alter some aspect of the game’s world (generally something cosmetic or historical about the world). The bigger the change, the higher the number that they must roll. If they roll a low number, the story may not change at all or it may change in the opposite way that they intended. These dice rolls are referred to as “Canon Dice.”
- The characters all reside on a world known as “Uurf”
- Threeve and Xiaven are apparently numbers that people use
- Funday and Friday are confirmed days of the week
- Aasimar blood looks like liquid gold (but isn’t actually gold) while devil blood is purplish-blue or black filth
- All devils have nipples on their foreheads
- The infernal language is actually just scatting (i.e. “skibbity bo bop”)
- There are 20 Dwarven clans that each claim to be descended from one of the god Moradin’s children. There were originally 19, but the Darkstone family had the sacred texts “re-translated” and it was “discovered” that there was a 20th child named “Darkstone”
- Known Dwarven clans include: Darkstone, Diamondback, Mountainbrew, Rockfoot, Ironspine, Marblevein, Rubyheart, Goldenbeard
- There was a war between the elves and the dwarves that ended 100 years ago. It lasted about 300 years. The Dwarves won and conquered Elven lands, now treating the elves like second-class citizens.
- Dwarven royalty like to dye their beards flamboyant colors
- Dwarves can sense when they are dying of natural causes. Dying Dwarves travel to a sacred place called the “Memorial Valley” where they go to die and return to the stone.
- All of the Assblasters are apparently connected and drawn together by their shared “reiki” energy
- All ogres look, sound, and smell like Shrek
Agar Taure: The elven term for “Blood Forest”. It is located between Oakfen and the capital city. This was a the site of a massive defeat for the elves during their war with the Dwarves. Each tree in the forest is a grave marker for a fallen elf soldier. The leaves of the trees are red all year round and the legends say that they get their coloring from the elven blood that was spilled in the ground there. Because of its origin, the forest seems to have a stronger connection to the spiritual world and other planes.
Apenness: City name encountered by Aati in the library of Elmoor. It is apparently an island city.
Bardperson’s home village: Unnamed isolated village of Aarakocra high up in the mountains. Can only be reached by bird people because you need to fly to it. It is unrelated to Brinjal.
Binglederry: Town that is apparently made of candy. The king of Brinjal offered a quest to the Assblasters to go there and deliver a message to the mayor, Higgle McGigglestein, but they instead chose to go to Jose’Cuervos’lin. Marris and Hislen opted for this quest and were last seen heading there.
Brinjal: City of Bird people (Aarakocra) in the Stillwind Mountains. Full of tall buildings with different families living on different floors. Most buildings have doors that are high off the ground with no steps or ladders, since the occupants are expected to be able to fly up to them. The king’s castle has a ceiling of either glass or crystal so the sky is visible from anywhere inside. Brinjal’s criminals and exiles are sent somewhere called the “Clipping Grounds”. Featured Places: Tailfeather Tavern
Cacot: East of Tarnstead, by a river. There is a temple of Moradin there (100 troops of Elmoor’s militia were sent there and the temple sent a letter back to Aati & Illum saying that they’re safe). The city sits on a long wooden bridge under a cloud of black smoke due to the many forges around the city. They have been using the waters of the river to take away the runoff, but the waters had become polluted and killed off most of the fish, so the city was facing a severe famine. Recently, The Assblasters used magic to cleanse the waters and the the paladins of Moradin have been sent to Elmoor to bring back fish to restock the waters. The city is slowly recovering.
Capital City: Floating city between two cliffs. Looks like a wedding cake stacked on top of an upside-down wedding cake (wide in middle and thin on top and bottom). Each level is a ring. 9 floors (there used to be 10 before D’Jay’Kaled attacked). King Regent lives on top floor. Slums on bottom. Thanks to the Assblasters, there is now a “statue” at the bottom of the canyon below of D’Jay’Kaled, on his back reaching up as his physical form was calcified and he was transported back to Hell. Notable locations: All-male brothel; tavern which features a live bull for people to ride as if it was a mechanical bull
Court of Frogs: Village of frogfolk living in the Feywild. Built around the ruins of an Eladrin temple. The frog-men all wear crowns to denote their status and must secretly kill the frog ranked above them in order to move up in rank. There is a population of roughly 40 frogfolk. As the veils between realities have been fading, the frog-men seem to have been brought to the material plane. The frogfolk recently relocated to the city of Oakfen after capturing it.
Del’Tassi: The unorthodox all-male temple of Moradin where Aati was raised. It is led by Brother Chadwick.
Eeville: City on the first layer of Hell. It looks like Venice, but with lava. They celebrate Bloodmas and their guards wear santa outfits. All of the residents now have deformed wing bones protruding from their backs and have vowed to kill outsiders on sight after being betrayed by the Assblasters.
Elmoor: West of Tarnstead by a lake (near the River Vees). Population: Between 2,000 and 3,000 people. Surrounded by walls made of giant trees and has people living inside giant trees. There was a coliseum where arena fights were held, but it was recently destroyed by an explosion. Elves are oppressed and there is a Dwarven council made up of 20 members. Each council member used to represent a different clan, but a few of the lower clans got knocked off the council by non-clan families who bought their way onto the council. The town is notable for having one of the largest temples and libraries outside of the capital cities. The king of Brinjal offered a quest to the Assblasters to go there and investigate the explosion that destroyed Elmoor’s arena, but they instead chose to go to Jose’Cuervos’lin. Vezharax opted to take this quest. Since the explosion, the Elves have revolted and barricaded the city from inside, causing the Dwarves to lay siege to the city. The two factions are stuck in a stalemate, with the Dwarves camped outside the city. Featured places: Queen’s Sword Tavern and the Big Green Apple Tavern.
Feywild: Alternate plane of existence that mirrors the prime material plane, with some differences (i.e. The Feywild’s version of the Agar Taure has blue leaves instead of red ones). It is inhabited by fairies, frogfolk, direcorgis, will-o-wisps, blue-skinned elves known as Eladrin, and other fantastical creatures. There are certain “soft places” in the mundane world where the veil between the planes is thinner than others, allowing living beings to travel through. It features an enormous waterfall stretching across the horizon known as “the curtains”, which function as an exit from the Feywild. The boundary between the Feywild and the mundane world has apparently been getting blurred recently for some reason.
Fuluz’Mora: Dwarven holy city where the Dwarf high patriarch and the head of Moradin’s religion both reside. The city’s name is Dwarven for “the Seat of Moradin”. The entire city exists in a cavern beneath the seat of an enormous chair carved into a mountain. They call the mountain “Moradin’s Throne” and waterfalls run down the arms and legs of the chair, forming a natural moat around the city. The city is primarily Dwarven and they use bears as beasts of burden. Featured places: Golden Tapir Inn and Hotgritz bank.
Gashak: A city where the population is comprised entirely of monsters. It is ruled by vampires and apparently has a werewolf problem. There are fighting pits there and Garl the Cruel Man is a popular fighter in their arena.
Jose’Cuervos’lin: Elven city with a marquis where performers were going missing. The king of Brinjal tasked the Assblasters with investigating these disappearances. After the defeat of D’Jay’Kaled, peace has been restored to the city and performers have slowly begun returning there.
Khelukkhaz: North of Tarnstead, in the center of the Stormlands, where it is always raining. The city is ruled by a human sorceress named Queen Qay’leen and there is an enchantment on her that keeps the rain from entering the city borders of the city as long as she is there. The streets are lined with flowers and all of the buildings are painted different colors. The city is also notable in that it treats goblins as equal citizens. There is a temple of Moradin in Khelukkhaz and it is surrounded by ancient ruins. The symbol on Illum’s shield was apparently found in the ruins there. Featured places: open air tent market and the College of Sorcerous Studies.
Ruins near Khelukkhaz –
Fardahl: Closest to the city of Khelukkhaz. Nobody know what these ruins were built for. Series of buildings with lots of defenses built into the side of the mountains. Scrolls said that Illum’s shield’s eye symbol was seen there.
Jomor: In the valley between the mountains. Has a coliseum that is haunted by wraiths and revenants.
Kinet: Old temple dedicated to worship of a god of fate, built on top of mountain peak with lots of imagery of wings and stars. There is a draconic legend that a dragon god can be spoken to at a temple of Kinet.
Sivashis: Ancient Dwarven cave tunnels built inside the mountain face. Most entrances are closed or caved in.
Leannin’s Wall: Enormous white stone wall just south of the Stillwind Mountains that separates Dwarven lands from Elven lands.
Lydas: Elven village home of Baegon and his order, the Patrolmen.
Memorial Valley: Canyon between two cliffs just south of Fuluz’Mora. It is a sacred place for Dwarves, who go there to die and “return to the stone”. The spirits of the fallen Dwarves roam the valley, becoming visible in the twilight hours. The spirits crave the company of the living and will try to make visitors stay by projecting the visitors’ happiest memories on the natural land bridges between the cliffs. The spirits try to scare the living away from leaving the canyon by showing people their own worst memories.
Oakfen: Looks similar to Elmoor, but all the trees are burnt from the war. It clearly used to be a military outpost that was demilitarized and converted into a town. Elmoor had an arena for combat, whereas Oakfen instead features an amphitheatre designed for putting on plays. In the center of the city, there is a floating statue of Thraciel engaged in battle with the dragon Vermithrax. The town was watched over by a “Witness”, who is a spy that send letters back to the Dwarven king to report on any rebellious Elven activities so they can quickly be put down by a Dwarven military brigade. The city was taken over by the frogfolk thanks to an agreement Crate made to have them rescue the Assblasters from imprisonment by the former Witness. Featured places: Grinning Kobold tavern, Mages’ Guild.
Tarnstead: Former home of Aati & Illum, as well as the Hammers of Moradin. The temple of Moradin was destroyed and the village was attacked by the Sons of the Scourge, leaving much of it in ruins. Notable locations: The Imp and the Serpent (brothel)
Turrenshire: Elven city that is on the brink of a civil war which is allegedly being caused by a dragon. The king of Brinjal offered a quest to the Assblasters to go there and slay the dragon, but they instead chose to go to Jose’Cuervos’lin. Runir opted to take this quest and was last seen heading in that direction.
Waleah: South of Tarnstead, by a castle. It was known as the “city in the castle,” with most of its citizens living in homes within the ancient castle’s walls. There is a temple of Moradin there (Waleah did not send back a letter in response to Aati & Illum’s letter checking if they were safe). The city’s temple was recently destroyed and all of its citizens have gone missing.
Wallflower Campgrounds: Camp of refugees living in a closed-down gateway of Leannin’s Wall
Western Continent: The homeland of Forg. Sometimes simply referred to as the “other continent”. Based on what Forg has said, we know that “Reesies Peecies” are a delicacy/snack there; giant boulders sometimes rain down from the sky there; there’s a large arena there; the dab is a symbol of victory in some cultures there (slow dabs are performed at funerals); there are no giant scorpions or spiderbears there (or at least none that Forg was aware of); and they like butts over there. Also, they have a play called “Frogman and Frog Lady” where Frogman is a toad and it’s otherwise basically just Romeo & Juliet. It is a sign of respect there to say “oh shit, waddup?” Frog people often ride unicycles there. There is a delicacy called “icup,” which you can only eat if you spell its name, but nobody wants to spell it. Nobody knows how it’s made or where it comes from. Forg’s kingdom was apparently invaded by the Bandirian empire 5 years ago and he has been on the run from the empire ever since. Forg’s home kingdom also apparently communicates via messenger penguins and the Head Gondolier penguin is named Jeeves.
Aati – Played by Joe in Season 1. Tiefling paladin of Moradin and “split-soul” who contains half of the spirit of a powerful extraplanar being. He is searching for the person who contains the other half of that being’s split-soul so that he can be complete. Has a fear of spiders. He was imprisoned in Elmoor alongside Illum after being blamed for the destruction of the arena, but both of them were broken out by Elven revolutionaries.
Bradperson – Played by Max, in Season 2. Aarakocra warlock who resembles a bald eagle. After the Assblasters smoked up the entire Capital City, he somehow became a part of the group while they were all baked out of their minds for 24 hours straight. L.A.Z.H.O.R. gave him Peace’s dagger. It consists of brass knuckles with wings on them that are also a knife with a red blade (It’s some serious mall ninja shit).
Captain Kirk Kirkland (AKA “Captain Cuck”) – Played by Avi, in season 2. Captain of the king’s guard in Fuluz’Mora. On the day that he became captain, he discovered that his wife had been cheating on him with his Elven best friend. King Goldenbeard sent him to escort the Assblasters to Cacot.
Forg – Played by Avi in Season 2. The surly frog-man who is a master with swords as well as his fists. He hails from the western continent. While often reluctant to do so, he remains duty-bound to help those in need. Probably the only member who can keep pace with Harlow in terms of drinking, but unlike Harlow, he isn’t constantly drunk. Despite his appearance, he claims to be unrelated to the frogfolk of the Feywild. He was recently recruited by men from the Western Continent to lead a revolution against the empire that conquered his kingdom. Forg apparently used to be human before he was transformed into a frog in order to escape the Bandirian Empire.
Fetty Woop – One of Forg’s little frog buddies who has one eye and a santa hat. Is eager to protect Forg at all costs despite having no natural weapons
Fitty Copper – Forg’s little frog buddy who has a habit of stealing gold from other party members and gifting it to Forg as “mana from the heavens”
Lil Fump – Looks like a smaller version of Forg and makes attempts to imitate Forg
Right Eye – The bluish gray frog buddy with his left eye sewn shut. He seemingly has prophetic dreams and tells them to the other frogs, who refer to them as “stories”
Harlow Mountainbrew – Played by Charlie in Season 2. The playful Dwarven barbarian sadist with a love of fighting & beer, but a hatred of elves, kobolds, and certain forms of mysticism. Fond of hitting things that he doesn’t understand. Being from a family of brewers, he carries a huge barrel full of his own personal brew on his back and he’s usually drunk. He was allegedly exiled from his clan and has a brand on his neck that says “Medicine Man” in Dwarven. Harlow currently seems to have been sucked into the group’s magical Puzzle Box where time passes much faster than in the real world. While he was trapped in there for 3 weeks, 15 years had passed inside the box. He has apparently been hunted by a dracolich known as Durg Gyrtu Gahl. At some point while trapped in the box, he picked up a habit of collecting enemy eyes as trophies and making himself a necklace of monster eyes.
Hooup – Played by Frankie in Season 2. Mysterious bald wood elf from Waleah who is accompanied by a sometimes rabid raccoon named “Friskies” and a skunk named “Pinecones”. He was working for an order of monks as an ambassador to Waleah when the city was attacked. Despite joining the Assblasters, Hooup remains a pacifist and only aids them by healing rather than attacking.
Illum Hanson – Played by Andy in Season 1. Wingless Aasimar paladin of Moradin. Has a fear of bears. Last seen being imprisoned in Elmoor alongside Aati after being blamed for the destruction of the arena, but both of them were broken out by Elven revolutionaries.
L.A.Z.H.O.R. – Played by Andy in Season 2. Lightly Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot. Goliath cyborg with a laser cannon grafted onto his arm that grants him all the powers of a warlock as well as the power to steal abilities from certain enemies.
Lil Justice – Played by Dax in Season 2. The half-orc folk hero who is renowned for saving an Elven village from a manticore. He is also a barbarian with a strong connection to animals. Lil Justice is a big fan of fine dining and fine women.
Phart – Played by Kaylin in Season 2. Phart is the personal handmaiden of Queen Qay’leen, who accompanied the Assblasters through the Crypts of Khelukkhaz. She is a small goblin with a head that looks like a blobfish. She is also a fighter who carries around a hammer nearly as large as she is. Phart is currently on a quest to track down the Sons of the Scourge and also to find out more about what the Dwarves have been keeping secret in their underground temples.
Thediem – Played by Frankie in Season 2. A mysterious man with psionic powers who carries around a magical puzzle box whenever it’s not carrying him around. He often disappears into the puzzle box and reappears (seemingly at random). This is the same puzzle box that eventually sucked in Harlow Mountainbrew.
Vaerog – Played by Niccolo in Season 2. A mysterious wizard who was captured by 2 Chainz in Hell, where he met our heroes. He has since joined them in getting revenge against the devil who orchestrated his capture, D’Jay’Kaled. He craves knowledge and is quick to lock himself in a library in order to seek out forbidden spells or forgotten lore.
Baegon – Dark-skinned wood elf with braided black hair. He wears a green cloak and breastplate with an insignia showing the white letter “B” inside of a red square. He is an extremely honorable man and a member of an order called the Patrolmen, which hunts down succubi, lamia, sirens, and harpies. Uses a spiked ball on a chain as his primary weapon. He owes Lil Justice a debt of gratitude after Lil Justice helped him defeat a succubus
Barrio – A gray-skinned half-orc male. He plays the lute and sings to entertain. A Dragonborn killed his father and he was left without a family until the Sons of the Scourge took him in. Thanks to the Assblasters, he has been kicked out of the Sons of the Scourge and deemed “untrustworthy”. He has sworn vengeance on the Assblasters.
Broomhilda – The name that Leomund gives to his broom when he dresses it in Letisha’s clothing.
Carl the Gruel Man – Former cook in the Imp and the Serpent (brothel in Tarnstead). Joined Aati & Illum upon their request. Cousin to Lil Justice. He was separated from Aati & Illum after their escape from imprisonment.
Crate – One-armed clanless Dwarven blacksmith woman who accompanies the Assblasters. She is a sister to Barrel and comes from the city of Elmoor.
Deathdeath MurderKill – White-haired Half-Orc with green skin. He was previously working as a bounty hunter in the city of Khelukkhaz. He is on a quest to slay a gold dragon in the wastelands north of Khelukkhaz. He also wears the furs of Yetis that he has slain and he apparently hates gas.
Dribble – A mysterious Gnome enforcer who protected Barrio’s group. He worked for the Sons of the Scourge and mostly just grumbled or kept watch. Once he saw evidence that Malexxis was harming people, he became convinced that the Sons of the Scourge was a cult. He claimed to have been in “enough cults to know how this is going,” since he had apparently somehow ended up in multiple cults before the Sons of the Scourge. The Assblasters convinced him to abandon the Sons of the Scourge and he left Fuluz’Mora (probably to accidentally join another cult).
Durg Gyrtu Gahl – The mysterious dracolich that lives in the shadow realm inside the puzzle box. The dracolich is known as “the first sunset” and has been hunting Harlow for 15 years (in Puzzle Box time).
Flamez – A male fire Genasi who has a penchant for making cold puns. He is very religious and follows Barrio as a member of the Sons of the Scourge.
Garius (Deceased) – Cruel cyclops who actually stole the children that Biclops was accused of stealing and forced Biclops to help him. Taller than Biclops and has greener skin. Last seen being sucked into the puzzle box with Harlow Mountainbrew. After being trapped inside the box for 15 years (it was only 3 weeks in the outside world), Harlow returned with Garius’ head in his hands. Garius had apparently sworn allegiance to the dracolich, Durg Gyrtu Gahl. Killing Garius temporarily returned Harlow to the prime material plane.
Ghost-Faced Killer – A hooded demon who allegedly destroyed the temple of Waleah. Aati claims that, underneath the hood, there is only a floating pair of eyes and fangs, along with translucent skin that one can see straight through to the back of his skull.
Grendel – Dying elderly male Dwarf. Most of his hair has fallen out and the remaining hair is gray and wispy. Liver spots mark the top of his head. He lives out his remaining days talking to ghosts in a small hut in the Memorial Valley.
Hislen – An unusually forgettable halfling male bard who has an uncanny ability to go unnoticed. Very friendly and seems genuinely glad when anyone actually pays attention to him. He hands out forget-me-nots to people which seem to allow others to remember him. Last seen heading to Binglederry.
Ifania – A strong-looking purple Tiefling woman. She travels with her girlfriend, Zeri and they both follow Barrio as recruits of the Sons of the Scourge. She seems to distrust anyone who isn’t Zeri.
Jackson – a white bronco who likes to moonwalk and call people “ignorant.” He ran away from his abusive former master, O’Jae, who refers to him as “Ford.”
Jiggins – Halfling bard who performed at the marquis’ castle in JoseCuervoslin. He plays two lutes at once.
Jizz – A small goblin who follows Barrio as a member of the Sons of the Scourge. Jizz loves to swim and apparently joined the Sons of the Scourge looking for help with a dragon that was attacking Jizz’s village. The Assblasters successfully convinced Jizz to leave the Sons of the Scourge and he returned to his home village.
Joina – Elvish girl and member of the bard troupe known as The Village People. She plays the dildus (also known as a double shawm)
King Carletonite Goldenbeard: King of the Dwarves territories, sometimes called the “Lord High Patriarch”. A male Dwarf with a spiky golden beard and prominent brow ridges like a caveman. His hair is kept in a regal gold man bun with an ornate golden crown around it. Rather than It is customary to plank before him. On his birthday each year, he offers a petition to one noble. His birthday falls on the Xiaventh day of the Xiaventh month. His beard is curled upward at the bottom and he wears a lot of braids and jewelry. He prefers to be called “Carlton” for short. His older brother is Will the Smith in Elmoor.
Leomund – Mysterious human man living in a log cabin. For some reason, Vaerog’s spell “Leomund’s Tiny Hut” transported him inside of Leomund’s house, which was confusing to both Vaerog and Leomund. Lady Ellary confirmed that this is not how the spell is supposed to work.
Letisha – Leomund’s ex-wife. She is a wood elf with green hair. Letisha left him after his house was repeatedly trashed by the Assblasters and his wedding ring was stolen. She seems to believe that Leomund has been throwing wild parties and blames him for everything the Assblasters have done.
Long Dong Silver (deceased) – Donkey “entertainer” that formerly worked at the Imp and the Serpent (Tarnstead Brothel). His true name is Olga. Legend of him has spread far and wide among brothels. He lost his life at the arena in Elmoor when he ran in before Aati and was murdered by Nemestraehi.
Malexxis – Powerful tiefling warlock and leader of the cult known as the Sons of the Scourge. His motives are unclear, but he commanded the Sons of the Scourge to destroy Tarnstead’s temple of Moradin and then to attack the village. He wears purple robes with red skin, yellow eyes, and curved horns like a ram on his head.
Marris – A furtive-looking Aasimar female rogue with glorious white wings. Tried to steal from Forg on their first encounter, but she was caught and forced to confess. Last seen heading to Binglederry.
Martha – The cowardly mastiff who stays by Harlow’s side. She loves the taste of kobold and probably sneaks a taste of Harlow’s brew whenever she can. After Harlow’s disappearance, she continued to travel with the Assblasters.
MC Thicc Boi – A small metal orb-shaped automaton that is about 2 feet in diameter. It’s name is short for Mechanical Construct TH1CC, model B0I. MC Thicc Boi was created as a guardian of the Crypts of Khelukkhaz. It has determined that the Assblasters were intruders in the Crypts and it intends to devote its existence to destroying them. This automaton is seemingly indestructible and leaves behind a trail of glittering light when it is struck. It is capable of unfolding its lower half to create six spider-like legs. It is also capable of shooting a poisonous vapor, but it needs to be provided a special juice in order to produce this vapor.
M.I.C.A.I.H.A.B. – Her name stands for “Magic Item Collecting Armored I Have A Boyfriend.” Goliath female who wears a breastplate with a carved lion’s head on it. When the lion opens its mouth, a black hole appears in the center of the mouth and sucks in nearby objects and creatures. She is capable of flight and sometimes wears a mask over her mouth and nose. She is somehow just as awkward as L.A.Z.H.O.R. and insists on telling people that she has a boyfriend.
Minerva Hanson – An old woman who lives in the woods outside of Waleah. She apparently raised a tiefling and aasimar who sound remarkably similar to Illum & Aati until they were chased away by local villagers who detected a demon in the house. This occurred when they were 5 or 6 years old (about 25 years ago). She hasn’t seen them since and isn’t even sure if they are still alive.
Nemestraehi – (deceased) – A rogue from the Western Continent with long silver hair and a black cloak. Uses two daggers to fight. He killed Long Dong Silver and then was destroyed by Aati & Illum in their arena fight.
Nevlan Bloodfoot – Orcish mercenary who was hired by the Village People. He gives curt responses and is a bit arrogant about his power. From a clan that was once friendly with Lil Justice’s clan. He was weirdly into his role that involves drumming on his lute. He was most recently seen heading to the city of Gashak, where he says he was hired to hunt down a werewolf.
Old Dirty Bastard – A husky old white devil with a long grey beard. He claims to be Malexxis’ strongest general and that Nemestraehi’s daggers were borrowed from him. He can transform his arm into an enormous spider leg that shoots out like a lance with incredible destructive force. He used this attack to kill Captain Cuck.
Peace (Deceased) – Famous drow monk assassin, who is usually contracted for political killings. Likes to shadow step behind his enemies and stab them in the neck. He was contracted by Lord Durian to kill the Assblasters, so he tried this move on L.A.Z.H.O.R. and it failed when his knife got stuck in L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s gears. Told his victims, “sleep now with the gods.” Total edgelord. Last seen running away from the capital city with Bradperson pursuing him. Bradperson claims to have killed him.
Quiet – human rogue who was captured while trying to assasinate the Assblasters. Partner to Peace. After being freed, he ran after Peace, having promised to call off the hit. Bradperson flew after him.
Runir – A sullen-looking half-orc female paladin. Keeps to herself mostly. Last seen heading to Turrenshire.
Salarymander – 20 foot tall reddish orange fire breathing salamander with barbels over his mouth and the shape of a tie on his chest. He is the divine servant and messenger of the gods who keeps order in the universe. He is an extremely devoted worker who is obsessed with honor.
Sapodia – Aarakocra cleric who looks like a sparrow person. When her sister was exiled, Sapodia knew she couldn’t survive on her own, so Sapodia fought the guards who were trying to take her sister. As punishment, Sapodia had her wings clipped so that she couldn’t fly and she was exiled. She sought redemption by becoming an emissary of Brinjal and traveled with the Assblasters on their quest and was pardoned of her exile after completing it. She chose to stay behind when they returned to Brinjal and fight on the side of King Durian.
Shah-pu Ki-pa Longperson – Cousin of Tayoris “Ted” Longperson. Runs a shop in Tarnstead. He is a halfling who is mostly known for saying “Hello” in a high-pitched voice. Sold Aati & Illum a magic teleportation ring and snake belts, then followed them to Elmoor and tried to pickpocket them. Claims to have been under a spell and has no memory of trying to rob them, so they let him join their party. He then proceeded to rob corpses from the Elmoor arena. He apparently bailed the second Aati & Illum were arrested. Shady dude.
Simon – Simon is the name Lil Justice gave to his silver raven token, which can magically transform into a regular raven and repeats voice messages to the intended recipients
Stelwik Businessperson – Gray-skinned deep Gnome who was on a quest to deliver a crown to the King Regent (Praxis Darkstone). The king regent refused the crown and the Assblasters low-balled him for less than half of what it’s worth. Hates adventurers. Last seen turning south from Oakfen after seeing that the Assblasters were headed north.
Vezharax – A male dragonborn. He is a cleric of advanced age and experience. He has earthy brownish yellow scales, but some of the scales on his head have turned cracked and gray. He has replaced a scale in his throat with a diamond. The Assblasters met him in Brinjal and later encountered him fighting a barbed devil in an Elven fortress outside of Tarnstead. He joined the group after they saved his life from the devil. Vezharax has taken a vow never to kill a person, though he admits that he killed 23 orcs to avenge his clan before he had taken that vow. He had a son once, but he says that his son was killed by a monster.
Winston – Direcorgi who spent his life believing he was a horse. He is now the personal steed of the Assblasters. Can shrink to the size of a regular corgi or grow to the size of a bear. His front right leg has been replaced with a slinky. Lil Justice told him the truth and he is attempting to figure out what it means to be a dog.
Zeri – Female wood elf with a blond bob haircut. She travels with her girlfriend, Ifania and they both follow Barrio as recruits of the Sons of the Scourge. Zeri claims to see the future and says that she has foreseen a tragedy that will destroy Fuluz’Mora. She claims that the Assblasters will be present for the destruction of the city.
Babbara Darkstone (Deceased) – Founder of the modern Darkstone family. He was a slaver who is now known as an “entrepreneur.” He paid for the retranslation of the sacred texts to have the Darkstone family included among Moradin’s descendants.
Benis (deceased) – Dwarf sorcerer, summoned storms to defeat ocean drakes. Known for his staff, the Rod of Benis, which was lost to time. May have had a father named Wenis.
Pallsac (deceased) – The female elven mage who was the true owner of the Rod of Benis. When the Dwarves conquered the elves, they erased her from the history and replaced her with a Dwarven hero named Benis in all of the history books.
Ellary – The only living member of the three Elven triads. She is at least 500 years old. Sister to Thraciel. Helped seal away D’Jay’Kaled over 100 years ago.
Glandror – The only other surviving emissary of Brinjal. Gnome fighter who got a statue of himself stabbing a sword into the abdomen of a giant spider.
Leannin (deceased) – One of the three Elven triads. Helped seal away D’Jay’Kaled over 100 years ago. Died in the war against the dwarves. Famous for ordering the construction of Leannin’s Wall.
Thraciel (deceased) – One of the three Elven triads. Sister to Ellary. Helped seal away D’Jay’Kaled over 100 years ago. Died in the war against the dwarves. Famous for fighting off the dragon Vermithrax.
Turris (deceased) – Former emissary of Brinjal, paladin of Moradin, and one of the first to take the title of Sentinel. He was a dwarf who once wielded the hammer and shield that now belong to Illum and Aati.
Zholoro (deceased) – Last king of the Eladrin in the Feywild. Former owner of Lil Justice’s scorpion axe and the crown that the goblin Gungi now wears.
Zoombino (deceased) – A famous monk master. He created a set of magical talismans that allow the user to change the weight of an object or creature.
Danteiiaetoo – Gnome with no family who lives a cloistered life in the mountains. He is the author of “Demi-gods and Powerful Beings from Other Dimensions: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” Volumes 1 and 2. It seems like he may have run out of gods to write about in the first volume and possibly made up some gods for volume 2.
Niccobod Crane – Author of a book about Elven manners
The Assblasters – Name given to the group comprised of Forg, Harlow Mountainbrew, L.A.Z.H.OR., Lil Justice, Bradperson, Vezharax, and Hooup.
Barrio’s Group – A group of new recruits to the Sons of the Scourge. It consists of: Barrio the gray-skinned half-orc bard; Zeri, the quiet blond wood elf prophet; Ifania, the purple Tiefling fighter; Flamez, the religious fire genasi; Dribble, the Gnome enforcer; and Jizz, the goblin who loves to swim.
Hammers of Moradin – Military order of the religion of Moradin. Aati & Illum sought to join it.
Lil Justice’s Tribe – It is apparently very hot in the lands where they live. This group is known to be excellent warriors. They worship a mysterious bear deity. According to Lil Justice, their battle cry is “YERRRRR” and their symbol is a blue-capped motmot bird. There is a coming of age ritual in their group where young Orcs and Half-orcs are sent out to explore the world when they reach a certain age, because (according to Lil Justice), “nobody likes you when you’re 23.”
Sentinels – Mysterious and secret order that Marius tried to recruit Aati & Illum into before his death
Sons of the Scourge – Cult led by Malexxis that attacked the village of Tarnstead and destroyed its temple. There was another group by this name many ages ago, but it is unclear what happened to them or if they are connected to the current group. All of the members that we have met were wearing purple robes. A large number of their members were killed in a battle by Elmoor’s militia outside the city of Cacot. They apparently recruit new members by targeting outcasts and giving them food, money, and sending them on quests to find other outcasts. When a recruit has proven themselves trustworthy, they are let in on secrets that apparently make them willing to attack Temples of Moradin. Their name allegedly refers to a “Scourge” which nearly wiped out humanity many years ago. The cult’s members claim the cult was born out of a desire to prevent another Scourge from ever happening.
The Village people – bard troupe of actors and musicians who went to Jose’Cuervos’lin to perform. One of their members is Joina. They hired Nevlan Bloodfoot to come with them to Jose’Cuervos’lin
The Vultures – a group of revolutionaries who were conspiring against King Durian. They led a failed coup against him with the aid of the Assblasters.
Thraciel’s Wings – Elven group rebelling against the Dwarven high patriarch. They used the arena explosion as an opportunity to take control of Elmoor before the city was blockaded by the Dwarven military. The group is named after the Elven Triad member, Thraciel, and they use a “Loss” rune as they secret symbol. Members have the symbol tattooed on their bodies. Their leader is an Elf named Fanetan.
Characters by Location:
Bekela – Purple-skinned Drow raven mistress. Dark shoulder-length hair, almond-shaped eyes. Wears a BROWN frock. Lives in a purple rock tower in the shape of a lady. She can transform into a raven. Uses a cubical focus stone to control the ravens and make them fly to send messages for the town. Has a phobia of spiders.
Belbiv the Foe (Deceased) – A winged, barbed devil who tormented the citizens of Tarnstead. He would command shadow zombies to attack the city and watch the attacks. This devil had long acidic claws. After he was defeated, Crate turned his claws into weapons for Forg.
Dek’lan – Human male guard of the city. Five o’clock shadow, thick eyebrows, short dark hair. Shield and spear.
Kristoff – Russian accent. Lean-muscled, lanky blacksmith human, with close-cropped red hair. Smith of Moradin who owed a lot of money to Marius. He made the armor that Aati & Illum wear. Mysteriously disappeared when the Sons of the Scourge attacked. Last seen heading north from Tarnstead toward Khelukkhaz
Lane – Kind human disciple of Moradin with long unkempt blond hair, from the monastery of Tarnstead. Kind to Aati & Illum despite their differences. Partner with Tristan. Very interested in finding Marius’s old comrades. Can communicate with Aati using a square glass magic mirror that can magically transmit his voice to Aati’s magic orb. Last seen heading west from Elmoor toward the wizards on the western coast.
Marius (Deceased) – Male dwarf. Long flowing gray hair and elaborately braided beard. Head brother of the monastery of Moradin. Elite member of the Paladin Brotherhood known as the Hammers of Moradin. It is Marius who imparts knowledge of the Sentinels to Aati and Illum, and shows them the path to their sacred amulets. Marius was killed before he could explain anything else. Apparently, he visited the Tarnstead brothel frequently.
Mayor McCheeze – Halfling male who dresses in a fashion that makes him look like a cheeseburger. He wears a hat that looks like a sesame seed burger bun and has lettuce-like wavy green hair. He’s apparently single and not very religious.
Olga Famarel – Chubby, stout dwarf woman with a gravelly smoker’s voice. She is alternately referred to by her first or last name. She has crow’s feet on the side of her eyes, some gray in hair, tied back. Headmistress of the brothel known as “The Imp and the Serpent”.
Tayoris “Ted” Longperson – Halfling teen from a family of tailors. He lost his family and home when the Sons of the Scourge attacked Tarnstead. Big fan of smoking devilgrass and going to the local brothel. Now lives and works with Bekela in the town rookery. Spends most of his time cleaning the place and repairing things.
Tristan – Bald, clean shaven Dwarf. Harsh and curt in manner. Doesn’t feel that non-dwarves should be allowed to be paladins of Moradin (because Moradin is a Dwarven god). Has been missing since the monastery of Tarnstead was destroyed. Lane claims to have searched for him and says that he doesn’t seem to be around Cacot, Tarnstead, or Elmoor.
Forest outside Tarnstead:
Dehalam – Speaks in whispers. Elven. Wears plain brown robes. Druid of the Forest who is part of a nomadic order. Takes care of the forest and the wolf Inaba. Hard to tell his true age. Very spiritual. Doesn’t like to use names.
Inaba – Formerly Telfor’s silver wolf companion who now lives with Dehalam in the forest. She recently had a wolf puppy, which Dehalam named in memory of Telfor.
Telfor (Deceased) – Dirty male human with scraggly greasy dark brown hair and stubble. Leather armor and a bow. Ranger who led Aati & Illum to the druid crypt to get their focus stone. He died while he was there.
Raina P. Laudenslager (Deceased) – Elderly human fisherman who was living alone in a cabin in the woods outside of Tarnstead. He gave Aati & Illum some shelter for the night. He was murdered in his sleep by a devil that was out to kill Aati & Illum. He may or may not have had a bondage fetish dungeon in his basement.
“Babyface” – (Actual name unknown) – Incredibly muscular dwarven guard who is a grown man with a total babyface. Has a long, red braided beard and a septum piercing. Gets very offended when people call him babyface. He guards the front gates of Elmoor.
Barrel – Clanless Dwarf who Aati & Illum helped to become a smith of Moradin. Former champion of the Elmoor arena, which he was using to gain enough status to become a smith of Moradin. Prodigy at forging armor. He’s a friendly person and a loyal patron of the Queen’s Sword tavern.
Boo – The Half-orc who gladiator who Aati & Illum saw fight in Elmoor’s arena in Episode 22 of season 1. Unable to gladiate due to the destruction of the arena, he is currently working as a bodyguard for Pabarel Darkstone
Dagur’Gai – Elf from the Big Green Apple who provided information to Aati & Illum. Wields a dagger.
Dwarven noble – Finely dressed. Total douche. Once spit on an elven child. Got mugged by Galrana and saved by Aati & Illum. Had a cool hammer that was stolen by Galrana. Has two bodyguards (O’Jae and another Dwarf).
E.L. Fudge – Short, wispy elf with dark hair. Handles all the bookkeeping and records at Elmoor monastery. He basically runs the place while Brother Vashen is busy partying.
Elhalin – Half-elf sorcerer from the continent across the sea. Was a potential champion for Aati & Illum. In love with Vanesha Darkstone, but he has no clan or status to marry her. Was fighting in Elmoor Arena to gain status so he could marry Vanesha Darkstone. Got his powers from a blue dragon on the eastern coast. No longer speaks directly with the dragon. Can shoot lightning and levitate.
Fanetan – Elf, slight of build, but intimidating. Champion in the arena. He would have agreed to fight for Aati & Illum if they could have found a way to resolve the racial injustice in Elmoor. He favors the Big Green Apple tavern. Well-suited to combating big brutish fighters. Uses a bow. Secretly has a thing for donkeys. He lives in a tree and was fighting in arena to make money to buy a home. Gets offended by the suggestion that elves are “whimsical”. He is secretly the head of the Elven revolutionary group known as Thraciel’s Wings.
Galrana – Female elven freedom fighter. She uses cool curved daggers with gold handles and exploding trap mines. Aati & Illum caught her mugging a Dwarven noble and managed to stop her, but let her go with the hammer that she stole from the noble, agreeing to meet with her at a later time before they were imprisoned.
Ganister Ironspine – Temperamental commander of the Dwarven brigade sent to investigate the explosion of the arena. He was trapped inside the city when the elves attacked and the city was blockaded.
Jymeria – “Brother Jym” – Disciple of Moradin who parties with Brother Vashenn. Won a drinking competition against Illum for 5 gold.
Librarian – Old gnomish man. Basically just Scruffy from Futurama. Spends his days reading pornographic scrolls in the library of Elmoor. Just kind of nods, grunts, and points people in the right direction of whatever books they are looking for. He is apparently a pickup artist and willing to help out fellow pickup artists.
L’shen (Deceased) – Potential champion for Aati & Illum. Was a rogue who got killed by Nemestraehi in the arena.
O’Jae – Bodyguard of Dwarven noble. Dwarven version of O.J. Simpson. Rode a white bronco that ran away after the fight with Aati & Illum and was eventually taken in by the Assblasters. The bronco’s name was “Jackson,” but he called the horse “Ford”
Pabarel Darkstone – Young male, barely 4 foot tall, Dwarf. He has a crooked nose and a gold tooth (unhealed remnants of Aati punching him). He has dark hair and robes along with dark stubble lining his chin (because he clearly can’t grow a beard). He is the son of a councilman. Pabarel challenged Aati to a deathmatch in the arena and then sent in Nemestraehi to fight him. He became head councilman after his father died in the arena. He hired the Assblasters to hunt down Aati & Illum.
Phyll – (Most people just call him “Uncle”) Oldest dwarf in Elmoor forge. Has the longest white beard in the forge, nearly touching the floor, and white hair. Not forthcoming with how he got into the order, because he likely isn’t from any of the noble houses. Made a name for himself in the war against the elves. They called him “The Shredder.” Makes very ornate armor. He agrees to take in Barrel as a student based on merit alone.
Wil the Smith – Head smith of Moradin. Young, particularly strong-looking Dwarf. Originally refused to let Barrel into the forge without proof that he was related to one of the noble Dwarven clans. He is actually a former prince who is now in hiding as a smith of Moradin in Elmoor. Makes good quality armor.
Vanesha Darkstone – Cousin to Pabarel. In love with Elhalin, but can’t marry him due to her status. Needs family permission to marry.
Vashenn – “Brother Vashenn”. Head brother in charge at Elmoor temple of Moradin. Dwarf with black shoulder-length hair and a finely braided beard. Wears a gold chain around his neck, silk robes, and rings on each finger. Drunkard who throws parties in the monastery. Sent the temple’s militia to Cacot after losing a drinking contest to Aati. Because of his decision to send away the temple’s militia based on a drinking contest, the Order has forced him to take a vow of sobriety.
Bartlett Cromsby – Kookaburra Aarakocra and court sorcerer for King Durian
Captain Cherimoya Huggins – Captain of the airship that Forg received as boon from King Durian for completing the Jose’Cuervos’lin quest. A pirate with rough manners who is fond of hugging it out.
Durian – King of Brinjal. Looks like an anthropomorphic peacock in regal robes and a crown. He is the one who tasked the Assblasters with their quest.
Galia – The king’s daughter, looks like a peahen lady in regal attire like her father.
Kale – Cardinal-man who tried to mug the Assblasters before they defeated him. He and his thugs (a blue-jay man and a chicken man) were subsequently taken to the Clipping Grounds. He and his thugs are secretly members of The Vultures.
Mike (sometimes calls himself Mark) – Human fighter who claims to be from Dingusville. Has an old baby face that makes it impossible to tell how old he is. He came to Brinjal to be an Emissary, but got caught up in the middle of the Vultures’ coup.
Parrot-Man – (Actual name unknown) Servant of King Durian. He wears purple robes and leads new adventurers to the king’s court.
Salak (Deceased) – Seagull Aarakocra. A former a city guard for Brinjal and the one who took away Sapodia’s sister. He had scars on his face where a young Sapodia broke a vase over it. He disappeared from the city in order to join the Vultures. His disappearance caused the people of Brinjal to spread rumors that Sapodia had killed him. When she encountered him during the coup, Sapodia used her sacred flame to burn him to death in vengeance for ruining her life.
Sillybeak – Court jester dodo with his right eye sewn shut. He has blue-gray feathers and often sings cryptic songs. He was secretly assisting the Vultures in their coup attempt.
Sorrel (Deceased) – Pigeon Aarakocra who bartended at the Tailfeather Tavern. He was a secret member of the revolutionary group known as the Vultures and was killed in the coup attempt.
Squawky – Captain Huggins’ pixie companion who perches herself on his shoulder. She only seems to repeat what others say and is fond of eating crackers
Wart (named by Harlow) – a frog who somehow managed to make it into Durian’s castle and is hiding in a mouse hole in the walls. Presumably escaped off of Lord Durian’s dinner plate.
Gaglian – grizzled veteran with a gray beard and a scar over his eyes. He guards the hole in Leannin’s wall.
Maphis – Lord healer and herbalist who briefly took on Sapodia as an apprentice and taught her the ways of reiki
Smolfok – Innkeeper who was constantly harassed by L.A.Z.H.O.R. Owns a set of tents that he rents out to adventurers
Bartender/Innkeep of the Grinning Kobold tavern – (Actual name unknown) elven man, got into a fight with Forg for stiffing him on ale and then arguing with him about it. Forg beat him up so bad that Forg knocked him out of his shoes and gave him two black eyes. Martha then pooped in his shoes. Everyone dislikes the bartender, so they tipped Forg for doing it
Bellis Diamondback (Deceased) – “Lord Witness” – Always smiling, blue muttonchops and long blue hair. Snakeskin boots and belt with snake’s rattle on it. Total douche. He was last seen being taken away by the frogfolk, who said they would give him a “fishing challenge”
Biclops: 25 foot tall Cyclops who was accused of stealing children to make his own Cyclops Village. Loves to sing. Lives with villagers now in the farms outside of the gates
Captain Sassafras (Deceased) – Effeminate man who originally asked the Assblasters to rescue their children from Biclops’ lair. Very sassy and apparently has a wife. He became the new guard captain after Terrill was imprisoned. He was accidentally killed by Lil Justice when Bellis Diamondback ordered the guards to arrest the Assblasters.
Destro – Elven priest, a little older, kidnapped by Biclops who made him kiss Nystra repeatedly in an ill-conceived attempt to breed the two. He later got married to Nystra and now lives with Biclops.
Dunder (deceased) – level 5 wizard – apprentice – redshirt. “The best they could spare”, was sweeping the place up and totally ignored by the others. Crushed by Garius while defending the city from Garius and Biclops.
Drandir – Father of Dunder and head of the Mages’ Guild of Oakfen. Looks like Merlin with a black beard/hair and facial tattoos. Vaerog stole his staff after they defeated him.
Kramer – villager who joins Biclops in his hut once a week for Funday stew. He is apparently pretty racist against the frog men who he calls “trash frogs” and wields a dagger. He apparently used to be a member of the brothers of Moradin in Del’Tassi, but he was kicked out for saying some “hateful things about Gnomes”
Mr. Loss (Deceased) – Elven man with an undercut who was a member of Thraciel’s Wings. He had a rune of the ‘Loss’ symbol tattooed on his arm. He promised to rescue the Assblasters escape when they were captured by Bellis Diamondback in Oakfen. Bellis had him beheaded for his attempted betrayal.
Nystra – kidnapped by Biclops who made him kiss Destro repeatedly in an ill-conceived attempt to breed the two. He later got married to Destro and now lives with Biclops.
Patience – Desk clerk at the Mages’ guild. Usually busy writing things. She assigned Dunder to help the Assblasters fight Biclops and was kicked out of the city walls after being partially blamed for Dunder’s death.
Sha’k’ell’qe – (pronounced “Shaquille”) Elven Cobbler and leather-worker of Oakfen. Has an Australian accent and often says “Noice!” a lot. His family includes: Scaddi Pippin (his wife), Geordan (his 90 year old daughter), and Mugsy Boags (his 60 year old son)
Terrill – Elf, city guard captain, cockney accent. Knocked out Bellis Diamondback when he threatened to imprison the Assblasters for speaking “treason” about freeing the elves from Dwarven rule. He was then imprisoned for assaulting Bellis. The Assblasters rescued him from imprisonment and he reclaimed his position as guard captain.
Robin Goodfellow: Trickster sprite. 1 foot tall and can fly with dragonfly wings on his back. Wields a sharpened twig as a spear.
Gungi, Gnagnar, and Chubbs – 3 goblin brothers. Live in Feywild. Ran off with crown when Avi named Gungi king and the frog-men revolted. Their heads are now misshapen from being bashed repeatedly by L.A.Z.H.O.R. Gungi wears a golden jeweled crown, Chubbs is extremely overweight, and Gnagnar seems to only be able to speak either in a goblin language or some form of gibberish.
Court of Frogs:
Ard- Frog-man who wore the crown of twigs. Hates Forg. Second-lowest on the totem pole and thinks Forg wants to kill him.
Drib (deceased) – Frog-man and former leaf crown owner
Footmouth – Frog-man who wears a Rock crown and was named new court jester by Forg. He can put both feet in his mouth, but he isn’t very good at getting them out, though.
Gorp – Formerly known as “King Gorp,” but now known as “Emperor Gorp” after leading the frogfolk to seize control of the city of Oakfen. Frog-man with mottled brown and white skin who wears a Brass crown (formerly Quartz crown – “Head of the citizen’s council, keeper of the keys, second member of the second court, Second in-command of the outsider outreach committee, lord magistrate”)
Henrietta – Goat who serves as the frog king’s advisor. Black and white fur; necklace of jewels
Luzz – “Lord Luzz” AKA “Pepe 2”. Frog-man who wears a Wooden crown, has a cartoonish french accent. Says ‘Oh ho ho” a lot. Asked the group for help, then joined them. Stole iron pot, turtle-snake fang, and bone dice from the group and abandoned them
Urga – “Mistress Urga”. Frog-woman who wears a Quartz crown (formerly carved wooden crown, Keeper of the keys, intercessor to the citizen’s council, and chief of the outsider outreach committee)
Pepe (Deceased) – Former king of the frogs. Morbidly obese, sat on a throne on top of a pile of trash. Previous owner of the brass crown. Gorp had him killed in an “accident” while on a “fishing challenge”
Lady Ellary – One of the former Elven triads. Was kept prisoner in her temple, but now lives in the Capital City. Very old elven female cleric.
Riesling – Dwarven Boy, moody and annoyed whenever he has to do anything. Watches over Ellary and sends updates to the king.
Armstrong Dickstrong – big, buff elf male prostitute who was a big fan of Long Dong Silver. Likes to interrupt serious conversations by sexually propositioning whoever he is talking to. Fought off 20 devils with his bare hands during the invasion.
Grallic – Half-orc who formerly sold slaves. He was all about slaves until his slaves performed an infernal ritual and made him a slave in Hell. Now he has promised to clean up his act.
Joe – Female “double elf” (both her parents were elves), lame female voice
Mr. Bucket – Halfling male. Life partner of Armstrong Dickstrong. Used an axe to slay 10 devils during the invasion. Likes to sing an odd song about himself.
Praxis Darkstone – King regent who rules over the Elven lands. Green forked beard. Speaks with a bit of a Scottish accent. Says “sh” instead of “s”. He apparently loves the feeling of being magically turned to gas and is possibly addicted to it. He gave the Assblasters a gilded chariot to thank them for saving the city.
Butler – (actual name unknown) Gray monk tonsure. Hunched back. Russian accent and a bad attitude.
Friar Tabbot – Old priest who gave the Assblasters wineskins full of holy water
Gonzago (deceased) – Elven man, former Marquis, killed by D’Jay’Kaled’s minions. Father to current marquis. His spirit was trapped inside Forg’s holy blade, Kerith Aure, but his spirit seems to have been released when the blade was shattered.
Marquis Marq – 10 year old Elven child who rules Jose Cuervos’lin.
Lady Sqarlet – Marquis Marq’s new magic tutor. The marquis’ response to the messenger raven described her as drunken and belligerent and she sounds suspiciously like she might be Squander in disguise.
Squander – Half-elf sorcerer with five o’clock shadow, messy black hair, and jester outfit. Uncle to the marquis. Talks a bit gruffly. Loves to drink. Powerful sorcerer who wastes his talents as a jester, but deeply wants to protect his nephew. After being sentenced for making sacrifices to D’Jay’Kaled, the world was tricked into believing that he was imprisoned for 50 years so that he could return to Jose’Cuervos’lin in disguise.
Cindy Lou Ee – Little girl who L.A.Z.H.O.R. robbed.
Krampus – Damned soul of a bard who lives on a mountain of skulls. His flesh is charred and he is cursed to always speak in rhyme. Has the Cane of Kan’dai, which allows him to fly.
Reedolph – Demon child with a shining red nose who cries tears of blood. Thediem knocked him out and took his Bloodmas sacrifice. Hates humans because he’ll never get his wings now.
1st Circle of Hell (Kaled’s Domain):
2 Chainz (deceased) – Chain devil servant of D’Jay Khaled
Aldente – 3 foot tall sentient bat. Not capable of human speech. Aided the Assblasters by giving them information, mostly because it was bored and wanted to see what would happen if they made it to D’Jay’Kaled’s Palace of S’xess
D’Jay’Kaled – Powerful devil lord who once ravaged the lands. Ruler of the first level of the 9 Hells. He is gargantuan, about 100 feet tall, and could be confused for a large spiked building from a distance. He tried to invade the mortal plane before, but was banished by Lady Ellary.
Dark Wizard Khalifa – horns combed back, braided beard and nipple on forehead. Brother of D’Jay’Kaled. Patron of L.A.Z.H.O.R. Built L.A.Z.H.O.R. as a weapon as part of a deal with Malexxis. Lived in a castle covered in bees. He made some kind of deal that made L.A.Z.H.O.R. the way he is now. The deal backfired and L.A.Z.H.O.R. sucked the Dark Wizard Khalifa into his arm cannon.
Endseeker – Deceased devil who played part in the prophecy of Bloodmas in the town of Eeville. Promised to reward the Ee tribe with wings on Bloodmas if satisfied by their sacrifices.
Jai’zee – One of the devil lords
Nightmare Blades – Sentient black scimitars connected by a chain. Deflect any projectile launched at them that failed to hit. Makes its user think dark thoughts, eventually taking control of its host and making them think that other mortals are nothing more than “maggots” or insects”. Was used to cut off Winston’s leg.
Nightmare Rider (Deceased) – Member of the Rough Riders. Referred to the Assblasters as “maggots” and “insects”. Cut off Winston’s leg.
Sir Suge – A knight in the service of the Wizard Khalifa. His armor is on display in Khalifa’s castle’s main hall.
Tupac Shakur – Huge guardian of the dark Wizard Khalifa’s laboratory. Deep voice. He is 15 feet tall, has 4 arms, a bull’s head, and a scarred nipple on his forehead, which is covered by a large bandana. He can cast Hellish rebuke on anything that attacks him. He was crushed under a pillar by Lil Justice, but survived. There is a hologram of him in Khalifa’s laboratory.
Brother Gossan – Head of the Dwarven monastery of Moradin. Dwarf with a long face, tan skin and blond hair. His beard is split down the middle and each half is pulled back under his arms where it is tied to his hair behind his back. He is fond of cleaning, causing L.A.Z.H.O.R. to confuse him with a custodian. He suffered severe wounds from a white-scaled dragonborn during an attack from the Sons of the Scourge. The dragonborn used her ice breath on his face, blinding him and scarring his face.
Comma Sans – A poor Dwarven farmer who is living with his daughter, Ellipsis, on a dilapidated farm on the outskirts of the city of Khelukkhaz. For some inexplicable reason, his farm only contains male animals and this seems to be a deliberate choice. He has a caramel skintone and is prone to injury.
Ellipsis Sans – Comma’s daughter. A very young Dwarven girl with mocha-colored skin, freckles, and pigtails. She speaks with a lisp and loves hearing about adventurers. Hooup taught her how to cast the Sanctuary spell and instructed her to run and hide in the event of danger. Her friends call her “Dot” for short.
Grelkin – A wizard who studies lightning magic. He lives on top of a mountain north of Khelukkhaz to be closer to the storms. There has been at least one book written about his studies. He was previously a Magister at the College of Sorcerous Studies. The College still sends him care packages to make sure that he doesn’t starve to death alone on the mountain.
Lady Flatula – Female goblin and mother of Phart.
Mr. Toots – Male goblin and father of Phart
Queen Qay’leen – A beautiful human sorceress who can read minds with the power of her magical crown. She is believed to be one of the most powerful living magic users in the world. Qay’leen has an enchantment cast on her that prevents any rain from falling within the city while she is in it. She made a royal decree that allows goblins to be treated as equal citizens within the city. She is also apparently a big fan of flowers and uses giant flowers as chairs in her castle.
Skrrrap – A 3 foot tall man with a purple complexion, horns, and a vaudevillian mustache. He refers to himself as a “Talfling” because he is half-Tiefling and Half-Halfling. He is the head banker at the bank of Khelukkhaz and his personality is all-business.
Ranndi of S’vaj – A dark-skinned man who likes calling people “brother”
The TakeUnderer – A famous executioner who doesn’t speak much. He has the dark brown skintone of his people and wears a dark wide-brimmed hat.
Toady – A teenage boy with a dark complexion. Forg’s former squire.
Veenz of House Makmaen – Second-best swordsman from his homeland, but he has always lost to Forg. He is an older man with a thick accent and dark complexion. He is unusually muscular for his age. Possibly taking magical supplements.
Brother Chadwick – Head brother at Aati’s former monastery of Del’Tassi. He is a soft-spoken young red dragon who wears a visor and collared shirt. Brother Chadwick has an odd sense of humor and convinced Aati that his fraternity was actually a religious order dedicated to Moradin.
Bryce, Skyler, Cody, Brody, Topher, Tripp, Hunter, Brayden, Cayden, and Todd – The toga-wearing brothers of Del’Tassi. They are fond of hazing the pledge, drinking, and partying.
The Pledge – A man who is putting himself through constant hazing in the hopes of joining the fraternity of Del’Tassi. He seems to be required to crawl around on all fours at all times and let the other brothers use him as a table. He is only supposed to speak with their permission.
Badaro – A vampire who apparently runs the monster city. He hired Nevlan Bloodfoot to hunt a werewolf that has been causing trouble in the city.
Garl the Cruel Man (?) – A Half-orc who is a popular fighter in the arena of Gashak. He is known for being cruel to his opponents, but not necessarily to the general public.
Bearwhipper: A mysterious male Dwarf who seems to take pride in his poor treatment of his bear companions. He got into an argument with Lil Justice about mistreating his bear.
Borathazon Diamondback: Head of the Diamondback clan. He looks like an older version of his son, Bellis Diamondback. His hair and mutton chops are dyed blue, but his face is wrinkled from a well-worn and constant scowl. He was a general in the great war. The Diamondbacks are known for being generals in the army and their house colors are blue and gold. He has sworn vengeance on Gorp after the disappearance of his son.
Lord Siloughby – A wealthy Elven noble. He has a coif of blue-grey hair and his right eye is sewn shut. He claimed to be bored with day-to-day affairs in the city and he challenged the Assblasters to compete for his entertainment.
Madoff – Played by guest player, Berni. A snake-headed snake oil salesman who sold useless “charisma” potions to the Assblasters that made them feel more charismatic. He works as an associate of Lord Siloughby and usually remains in disguise as an Elven noble or occasionally as a Dwarven noble named “Dwarf Nobel”. He is secretly a Warlock capable of casting Eldritch Blast and other spells on command.
Penn Teller – An old fortune teller who tells fortunes in the city plaza
Rhomb Rubyheart – Elderly Dwarf woman with a red beehive of hair who usually keeps her appearance disguised to make her look younger. She has a very gravelly voice. Her husband has apparently had many affairs and gave her an “apology pony” named Ponelope as a gift to make up for it. She is desperate for clout and has been trying to marry off her “hideous” daughter to make an alliance to another Dwarven clan.
Scoria Rubyheart – Heir to the Rubyheart clan. She is unfortunately “hideous” by Dwarven standards, due to her tall slender frame, her freckles, button nose, ample bosoms, and thick thighs. Her mother, Rhomb, has been desperately trying to marry her off to the head of another clan. She has been betrothed to Pabarel Darkstone in a deal brokered by the Assblasters.
Minette Marblevein – Dwarven woman who rules and represents the city of Cacot. She has pink hair braided & tied beneath her chin like a beard. She wears a padded yellow gambeson & high leather boots. She speaks with a snooty accent, but seems genuinely concerned for the well-being of her people.
Picelric – Green dragonborn male who wears wizards’ robes. He has a very loud and obnoxious voice.
Jackalopes: Rabbits with antlers
Minions: Small yellow one-eyed humanoids that often infest urban homes and sewers. These mindless pests are something of a delicacy in certain cultures.
Narcs: A combination of a yellow rat with the wings of a golden snitch. These creatures are known to listen in on private conversations and parrot people’s secrets to others.
Spiderbears: Bears with 8 bear eyes, mandibles, and spider legs protruding from them. They are filled with a strange ichor instead of blood. These creatures can shoot out webbing to trap their pray. They can also spit venom.
Turtle-Snake: Large turtle creatures the size of an SUV with spikes all over their shells. They have the head and neck of an anaconda. These are ambush predators that are known to attack and then quickly retreat into their shells before attacking again. They tend to live in swamps and feed on frogs. The Elven name for them is “Tuto’Rayal”