S2 Episode 21 – You Sure You Don’t Wanna Go Fishing?
Posted on July 11, 2017
On their way back to the Court of Frogs, the goblins regain consciousness and their leader, Gungi, asks where they are going. L.A.Z.O.R. explains the situation and the goblins beg not to be taken there, saying that they’ll be killed if they’re given to the frog-men. The goblins offer to steal back the puzzle box for the Assblasters in exchange for being set free. The Assblasters decide to use Forg’s newfound golden, jeweled crown to try to take over the Court of Frogs. They head into the frog king’s room only to discover that the former king, King Pepe, had a “fishing accident” and died on a fishing trip with his second-in-command, Sir Gorp. Gorp has taken over as king and now sits upon the throne. They return his advisor, Henrietta the goat, and Forg declares himself the new king. Gorp reluctantly concedes his throne, acknowledging that the value of Forg’s crown greatly surpasses his own brass crown. He attempts to convince Forg that the coronation ceremony for a new king involves a “fishing challenge”, but Forg fails to fall for his obvious trick. Forg asks where they keep their gold. When Gorp says that they consider gold to be trash and throw it in the lake, Forg tasks him with going into the lake and fishing out the gold for him. While Gorp is gone, Forg calls in Mistress Urga and tells her to bring in all of the frog men in town and to make them stand in order of their rank. While she is doing that, Forg talks to Lil Justice about his past. Lil Justice reveals that he doesn’t want to go back to his clan, because he and his father had differences over the way that things should be ruled. Before he can elaborate, all of the frog men enter the room. Forg demands a jester and one of them, named Footmouth, offers to put his feet in his mouth for Forg’s entertainment, then does so. Forg names him jester as Gorp returns with 9 pieces of gold and L.A.Z.O.R. walks in with three goblins whose heads have been notably deformed. L.A.Z.O.R. reveals that he had been repeatedly bashing their heads against trees to keep them unconscious, but that he wasn’t sure how much more punishment their skulls could take before he accidentally killed them. Forg then names one of the goblins as the new king and puts his crown on Gungi’s head. Rolling a 1 on persuasion, the frog men are outraged by this and immediately begin squabbling over who the actual new king should be now that their order has been disrupted. They begin killing each other for the right to take the new crown. While they are doing this, the Assblasters escape and see that the goblins are escaping as well. In consideration of the brain damage that L.A.Z.O.R. probably gave them, Forg decides to let the goblins keep their crown and doesn’t chase them as they run off.
NON-CANON S2 Episode 22B – That Was Chaotic Neutral at Best!
Posted on July 18, 2017
In the non-canon version of this episode, Andy rolls his canon dice to change L.A.Z.O.R.’s name to “L.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Lightly Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). The Assblasters are approached by a frog-man named Luzz who asks them to help him kill the frog-men ranked above him so that he can be king. For some reason, they decide to actually do it. They spend the episode using Looney Tunes-style tricks to kill multiple frog-men. Eventually, Urga fails to fall for one of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s zany traps. Revealing that he didn’t actually have a Plan B, L.A.Z.H.OR. just kills her by shooting her with his arm cannon. The group then flees the Court of Frogs while being chased down, wanted for murder. They manage to escape into the forest and decide to go to sleep. It was later agreed upon that the events of this episode didn’t actually happen as far as the overarching story is concerned, because they didn’t make any sense for the characters involved.
S2 Episode 22 – UNLIMITED STAMINA!
Posted on July 19, 2017
Andy rolls his canon dice to change L.A.Z.O.R.’s name to “L.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Lightly Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). The Assblasters are approached by a frog-man named Luzz who asks them to help him kill the frog-men ranked above him so that he can be king. The Assblasters instead offer to bring him with them. They leave the Court of Frogs only to find that they can’t seem to escape the forest. Lacking other options, they go back to the fairy village and confront Robin Goodfellow. Fearing retribution for his tricks, Robin Goodfellow offers them his steed, Winston. He reveals that Winston is actually a direcorgi and dispels the magic that made Winston small, allowing Winston to grow to be the size of a large bear. Robin Goodfellow then points them to “The Curtains”, which is a waterfall that allows them to leave the Fey Wilds. L.A.Z.H.O.R. knocks out Robin Goodfellow and leaves him behind as they return to their home plane. They travel through wide-open plains on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin until it begins to rain. Then, they make camp under a nearby butte. While setting up camp, Lil Justice polishes his normal axe, revealing that it was a gift from his grandfather and it is named “Mosnat Gash”, which is Orcish for “Midnight Fire”. Crate suggests that the group should visit Ellary on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin, as she might know more about the puzzle box and a possible way to get Harlow Mountainbrew out of it. The group agrees to do so and then goes to sleep. When they wake up, they realize that Luzz and stolen all of their most worthless items and run away, leaving behind a note declaring victory for getting away with their “treasure”. They decide to forget about him and move on, arriving at a broken down and decrepit old temple, hidden in the woods where Ellary allegedly lives.
S2 Episode 23 – Let’s ERP for a Bit
Posted on July 25, 2017
The group enters Lady Ellary’s temple as they are greeted by a Dwarven boy, who leads them to Ellary’s room. Ellary says that she is surprised that she has visitors and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that, while the other two members of the Elven Triad were killed in the war with the Dwarves, Ellary was allowed to survive and she openly praised their new Dwarven regent who was chosen by the Dwarven king to replace them. They ask her to tell them about the puzzle box that they have been carrying. She insists that it is a normal magician’s box, but then sends the Dwarven boy away to get them tea. While the Dwarven boy is away, her tone changes dramatically as she asks where they got the box. She informs the group that the box is a doorway to other planes of existence and encourages them to destroy it, warning them that powerful beings from other planes of existence could use something like that to come through. When she is asked if she has ever encountered such a being, she tells them of a powerful devil lord who she sealed away many years ago. Avi rolls his canon dice to officially decide that the devil lord’s name is “D’Jay’Kaled.” Ellary reveals that she is being held in the temple against her will and the Dwarven boy is a spy who reports on her activities. The boy returns and Ellary bids farewell to the Assblasters, asking the boy to get her new friends some rations on their way out. The Assblasters then go to the Capital City, a floating city of ringed levels. It is a floating city between two cliffs that looks like a wedding cake stacked on top of an upside-down wedding cake (Wide in middle and thin on top and bottom). Each ring is its own floor. There are 10 floors, with the King Regent living on top floor and slums on bottom. Crate informs our protagonists that they’ll need permission from the king regent to proceed to Jose Cuervos’lin and they’ll need an appointment to see the King Regent. She promises to set that up for them and meet up with them later that night. The group then immediately goes to the bottom floor to look around. They find a shady-looking half-orc and Lil Justice approaches him to see what he is selling. The half-orc immediately says, “You lookin’ for slaves?” The Assblasters quickly realize that they are in over their heads and get away from the slave salesman, who calls out that his name is Grallic. They decide to go to a less shady floor and find a brothel, but the brothel that they find seems to be entirely male. They are approached by one of the many muscular elves wearing togas, who propositions them. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if they have ever heard of a performer known as Long Dong Silver. Every one of the male prostitutes immediately kneels at the sound of his name. The lead prostitute informs L.A.Z.H.O.R. that Long Dong Silver has passed away and “gone to that big brothel in the sky”. Disheartened, the group decides to leave. As they are leaving, they encounter Crate, who is suspicious of them for all being at an all-male brothel. She informs them that she got them an appointment for tomorrow morning and then goes inside the brothel. The Assblasters then find a tavern/inn where they can drink and go to sleep. While the others go to sleep, Lil Justice tries to flirt with the ladies. He meets a double-elf named Jo and quickly gets bored of trying to flirt with her, so he goes to bed. In the middle of the night, Forg is awoken by a knock on his door. It is Crate. She informs him that she had set up her shop to sell armor in the marketplace and she was approached by a man in armor with a snake on it. The man was asking if she had seen anyone by Forg’s description. She didn’t trust the man, so she told him Forg had gone to Turrenshire. She asks if Forg is in some kind of trouble. Forg says, “You know that trouble I was telling you about? I think it found me…”
S2 Episode 24 – Point of Order: Are We Heroes?
Posted on August 1, 2017
The Assblasters wake up and go to meet the King Regent, Praxis Darkstone. Upon hearing the familiar “Darkstone” name, our players are reminded of the antagonist from season 1, whose name was Pabarel Darkstone. Andy does a history check to remember the history of the Darkstone family and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that the original sacred texts said that Moradin had 19 children who went on to found the 19 clans. In the last century, a family of merchants, the Darkstone family, had made enough money to have the sacred texts re-translated. In the translation, it was “discovered” that there was a 20th child who went by the name “Darkstone”. L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to bring up this fortunate coincidence and the King Regent becomes notably awkward. Despite this, the King Regent agrees to grant them permits to go forth to the town of Jose Cuervos’lin. As they leave, they run into a familiar gray-skinned Deep Gnome, who is introduced as Stelwik Businessperson. He is the crown jeweler and has come to fit the king for a new crown. This is the same Deep Gnome who they had encountered in the city of Oakfen. He recognizes them as the adventurers from Oakfen and is certain that they are going to do something to cause trouble for him. He begins cursing them out, threatening them if they do anything to screw this up for him, while Lil Justice mistakes him for a child and pats his head. The group then heads to Jose Cuervos’lin. They go through a forest and are stopped by a guard at the gates of Jose Cuervos’lin. The guard asks for their performer licenses. L.A.Z.H.O.R. lies and says that he left them in his other horse. He offers to get them, but the guard says that he trusts them and lets them through anyway. They arrive at a large castle and are greeted by a creepy butler carrying a lantern. The creepy butler leads them inside to a banquet hall where multiple other performers are waiting to meet the Marquis. L.A.Z.H.O.R. speaks to a halfling bard with a lute named Jiggins. Jiggins tells him that the first place prize for the competition is a mystery box with rare magic items in it. Lil Justice speaks to a bard troupe that calls themselves “The Village People”. One of their members is a female elf named Joina who plays a woodwind instrument called a “dildus”. Joina tells Lil Justice that it is usually the victors of the competitions who disappear shortly after winning. She reveals that one of the members of the bard troupe is actually a mercenary who they hired to fight off whatever has been making the winners disappear. Lil Justice recognizes the mercenary as a half-orc named Nevlan Bloodfoot, who he has encountered in the past. Lil Justice asks Nevlan if he has seen Lil Justice’s cousin, Carl (AKA “Carl the Gruel Man”). Nevlan says that, last he had heard, Carl was a cook in the town of Tarnstead. They speak in Orcish and Nevlan tells Lil Justice that “your secret is safe with me.” Then, the group sees a disheveled jester who is drinking heavily at a different table. L.A.Z.H.O.R. introduces himself to the man and asks if the Marquis is involved in the disappearances. The jester introduces himself as “Squander.” Then, trumpets are blown and the Marquis arrives. The Marquis turns out to be a young Elven child. Squander admits that the disappearances started happening around the time that the young Marquis took over after his parents died, but he insists that the young Marquis has nothing to do with them. The Marquis announces that the contest will take place in the morning and everyone is sent off to their rooms. They are informed that they will not be able to leave their room in the middle of the night and the group opts to all stay in the same room. The door is locked behind them and they opt to sleep in shifts. The group is awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of Winston borking in the distance as well as some scratching and various other spooky sounds.
S2 Episode 25 – Yung Chipotle
Posted on August 9, 2017
Lil Justice uses his “Talk to Animals” ability to speak to Winston. The two bark at each other from opposite sides of the castle. Winston tells Lil Justice that there is a spooky man with chains outside, but that he doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone. Lil Justice instructs Winston to bork 3 times if there is any danger. Winston agrees and the group decides to go to remain in the room rather than violating the rules and risking being kicked out of the castle before they can compete. The rest of the night is quiet and they wake up in the morning, head to the banquet hall, eat some breakfast, and get ready for the tournament. The first performer is Squander, who puts on an impressive, yet sloppy magic show while clearly drunk. He flies around the room and makes Sapodia’s stool start to run out from underneath her before he creates a tornado of flame that cooks a piece of meat without burning the flower on top. The young marquis claps and reveals that Squander isn’t actually competing because Squander is his uncle. The first proper act is Jiggins, the bard, who plays an impressive solo on two lutes at the same time. The second performance is by the Village People. Joina plays the dildus while Nevlan drums on a lute as the other members of their troupe perform a play called “The Idiot.” The play is extremely racist towards Dwarves and tells an allegory for how the Dwarves came into power over the elves. Crate quickly becomes uncomfortable and leaves to go to the privy. All of the elves in the room seem to find the play hilarious. When the play ends, Crate returns and the group sets up a wrestling ring as L.A.Z.H.O.R. introduces Lil Justice and Forg. Crate rings the bell and their wrestling match performance begins.
S2 Episode 26 – ¡Qué Lástima!
Posted on August 15, 2017
The Assblasters finally start their wrestling match between Forg and Lil Justice (whose in-ring persona is ‘Lil Injustice’) while L.A.Z.H.O.R. commentates. Forg seems to be winning until Lil Injustice goes into a rage and gets in some hard hits on Forg. Then, Forg takes Lil Justice outside of the ring, lays Lil Justice on the Spanish announce table that L.A.Z.HO.R. had set up and does a frog splash off of a chandelier. Before he can pin Lil Injustice, Crate the referee is shackled to the turnbuckle by Sapodia, so she can’t count the pin. Lil Injustice gets back up and tries to hit a finisher on Forg, but Forg manages to reverse it and get the pin on Lil Injustice. Crate frees herself and goes for the three count. As Crate counts the pin, Winston is heard going, “Bork! Bork! Bork!” They all recognize this as the signal that Lil Justice asked him to give if there was danger. The group looks out the window to see that the sky has gone black and there is an ominous knock on the door.
S2 Episode 27 – Fairy Man Was a Prick
Posted on August 22, 2017
Having heard Winston give the signal, the Assblasters are eager to investigate, but Squander offers to check outside while the Marquis decides the winner of the contest. After the players successfully roll a high enough number, it is decided that their group has won the tournament and they are awarded with the prizes from the mystery box. The players roll a d100 to randomly determine what their prizes are. They are given: a potion of mind reading, an elixir of health (cures diseases and poisons), a potion of diminution (lets them shrink temporarily), and a potion of Stone Giant strength. As they receive these, the Assblasters hear the sounds of horses neighing wildly and then suddenly the neighing stops. Lil Justice sprints out to the stables, running past Squander who says that the situation has been handled. Lil Justice runs past him toward the stables. Upon arriving, he sees that all of the horses have been killed and Winston is missing. He calls out, but Winston doesn’t respond. As he is about to leave, Winston crawls out from beneath a pile of horse corpses and Lil Justice sees that Winston has shrunk down to the size of a normal corgi. Winston doesn’t seem to have understood how he shrunk, but he appears safe. Lil Justice takes Winston and checks on Martha, who is unharmed. Winston says that the man with chains returned and he killed the horses. As Lil Justice washes the blood off of him, Winston asks why Lil Justice would come toward him if he knew that there was danger. Lil Justice tells him that is what friends do for each other. Winston replies that his former fairy master wouldn’t have done that and Lil Justice replies that fairy man was a prick. Winston doesn’t understand what this means, but he decides that, whatever a prick is, he doesn’t want to be one. Lil Justice returns to the main hall and angrily questions the marquis about the horses. After a semi-successful persuasion roll, Squander tells him that he can’t say anything about what is going on, but that he’ll unlock the doors for the Assblasters so they can escape in the middle of the night. They agree to this and go to rest in their room, bringing Winston and Martha with them. As promised, they are awoken by the sound of their door unlocking and a knock on the door. Lil Justice uses his beast sense to smell through Winston’s nose. He smells alcohol and a man who clearly hasn’t washed in days, which they deduce is Squander. They open the door and see the Squander, who gives them a silent wave as he walks away. The group sneaks out into the forest, past a sleeping guard. As they get midway through the forest, everything gets quiet and they start to hear the sound of chains. A dark figure covered in chains slowly approaches them as they prepare for battle.
S2 Episode 28 – Hold it Down for the Underground
Posted on August 29, 2017
As the dark figure approaches, they can see that it is a devil wrapped in chains. L.A.Z.H.O.R. pre-empts the chain devil by blasting it with his laser arm cannon, but the devil brushes off his blast easily. The group attacks the chain devil and only Lil Justice manages to damage it. Forg is wounded and tossed aside. Having decided that the devil is too strong for them to defeat, Forg convinces his allies to flee. As they are fleeing, the chain devil lashes out its chains at L.A.Z.H.O.R., but Sapodia jumps in the way. The devil says “My lord will have his sacrifice” and it pulls her into a fiery portal in the ground beneath him. The group returns to the Marquis’ castle and kicks in the door to the marquis’ bedroom, confronting him about his relationship with the devil. The marquis cries and claims to know nothing. Squander pulls the Assblasters into the hallway and confesses that they have been giving the tournament winners to the chain devil. The devils had apparently killed the former marquis and his wife when they had refused to offer sacrifices. Squander says that he had tried fighting the chain devil himself, but had failed, so he had agreed to get sacrifices for the devils in exchange for them sparing the current marquis’ life. He says that Sapodia was likely taken to Hell and the only way to get her back would be to go through the portal in the Hellmouth a few miles south of Jose Cuervos’lin. Forg asks if they have anything that could help the Assblasters defeat the devils. Squander brings out a holy white sword that he says his deceased brother, Gonzago, the former marquis, had commissioned so that he could fight the devils himself. Squander then leads them to the town’s temple to the Elven pantheon. The priest, friar Tabbott, is clearly woken by them as he greets them in his night clothes and gives them two wineskins full of holy water. The Assblasters then rest up to prepare for their journey to Hell. When they awaken, Squander leads them through the dead forest beyond Jose Cuervos’lin and takes them to a cave that looks like a skull. In the mouth is a fiery portal. After failing to persuade Squander to come with them, the group bids farewell to Squander, Crate, Martha, and Winston as they enter the portal.
S2 Episode 29 – Of Course I’m Still Naked!
Posted on September 1, 2017
The episode is the first of two Christmas-themed episodes. It begins with a flashback to the journey through the dead forest to the Hellmouth. Squander removes the curse from the potions that had been given to the Assblasters. He explains that there was a tracking spell on the potions, which was how the chain devil found his victims. Squander takes a drink from his wineskin before realizing that he accidentally switched his wineskin with one of the wineskins filled with holy water. He switches it back for his own and reveals to the group that there are 9 levels to Hell, but he believes that their adversary resides on the first one. If they find the lord’s palace, that should be where Sapodia is. He also warns them that, if they die, their souls will be trapped in Hell forever. The Assblasters then go through the portal and enter Hell. They arrive in a dark cave with blood dripping from the ceiling. Forg’s new holy blade whispers in the back of his mind, telling him to say the words “Kerith Aure,” which is apparently the name of his new sword. He says the word and it begins glowing brightly, illuminating the cave. As they walk through the cave, Lil Justice hears a gruff voice in his head asking him what he is doing in Hell. L.A.Z.H.O.R. feels left out when he realizes that he is the only one who isn’t hearing voices in his head. He tries adjusting his circuits until he hears the deep voice of a crying child and feels relieved. As they exit the cave, it becomes apparent that all of them can hear the crying voice. As they exit the cave, they see a town of devils that looks like Venice if the streets were made of Lava instead of water. Next to the town is a mountain of skulls and beyond both is a giant iron wall covered with spikes and impaled corpses. The group looks to the side and they see the crying devil child who they heard earlier. The child sobs about losing his sacrifice, saying that “Bloodmas” is tonight. The group approaches him and asks him to elaborate. They see that the crying child has a bright red nose and he introduces himself as Reedolph. He says that there is a prophecy stating that the devils would get their wings if they offer the EndSeeker’s skull beneath the tree of blades. A “bad man” with a red and white striped cane apparently stole the EndSeeker’s skull from them and took it with him to his home on the mountain of skulls. The devils aren’t supposed to set foot on the mountain or they believe that they will be taken by D’Jay’Kaled. The Assblasters agree to help him retrieve the EndSeeker’s skull in exchange for him flying them over the wall when he gets his wings. Then, they head to the devil town, sneaking up in case the devils are hostile. As they approach, the puzzle box falls out of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s compartment and their old companion, Thediem (Frankie) reappears from out of the puzzle box completely nude. The devils draw their weapons and prepare for battle. Never having seen Thediem before, Lil Justice becomes convinced that he is an enemy and attempts to come out from hiding to attack him. Forg tries to stop him, so Avi and Dax have to roll a strength contest to decide who succeeds. They both roll critical failures and thus, Forg and Lil Justice fall to the ground in their struggle and both of their pants fall down. The devils ask if this group is friend or foe and Thediem replies that he isn’t looking for a fight. After a persuasion roll, the devils seem like they are about to attack the group, but are held back by one devil who seems enamored of the fully nude Thediem. This devil encourages them to get in the Bloodmas spirit and reminds them that they are sworn not to attack outsiders who aren’t hostile to them. He leads them around the town and welcomes them to the town of Eeville. There are horrible, hellish decorations and streamers all over the town. He leads them to a feast where they are eating infernal foods. Lil Justice tries the beer and it somehow makes him more sober. He begins hearing the gruff voice in his head once more and decides to go outside to get some fresh air. Having confirmed Reedolph’s story, the group heads off to the mountain of skulls. They meet up with Lil Justice and begin their climb up the mountain of skulls.
S2 Episode 30 – Keep the Blood in Bloodmas
Posted on September 13, 2017
The second part of our Christmas session. The Assblasters climb the mountain of skulls to confront the man who stole the Endseeker’s skull from the town of Eeville. As they climb, skeletal limbs reach out and try to grab them, but they manage to avoid the limbs. When they get toward the summit, they see a cave in the mountain and they hear a man talking to himself inside. They approach the man to discover a charred bard who speaks only in rhymes. The bard explains to our heroes that, if the devils down in Eeville are allowed to celebrate Bloodmas, then they will get their wings and D’Jay’Kaled will enslave them. Upon discovering the truth, the Assblasters decide that the right course of action is to help him stop the celebration. He explains that the guards of Eeville dress wear red coats and hats with white fur lining (santa outfits). He gives the group their own guard outfits to act as disguises and gives them the names of the devils with the best sacrifices. Thediem goes to Reedolph to take his bat heart. He fails to convince Reedolph to give it to him, so he knocks out Reedolph and takes it. Lil Justice tricks a guard to go out into the middle of nowhere, then tries to knock him out from behind, but fails and fights the guard while the guard calls for reinforcements. Lil Justice manages to defeat him and take his sacrifice, escaping before the other guards arrive. Forg and L.A.Z.H.O.R. sneak into individual homes in a Grinch-like manner to steal the remaining sacrifices. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is stopped by a little devil girl who he convinces to go back to bed as he sings a song about how much he loves stealing. The group then returns to the mountain, where they give the remaining sacrifices to the bard. The bard uses his magical red and white striped cane (the “Cane of Kan’dai”) to fly them to the top of the iron wall so that they can continue their quest. As he flies them over the city, it is the stroke of midnight and he can hear the devils crying out “This is the worst Bloodmas ever!” They all sob and fail to get their wings as the Assblasters soar overhead and the devils vow never to forgive them for their betrayal.
See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-31-40/