S2 Ep. 81 – 90

S2 Episode 81 – Scourgey Hut Jr.

Posted on February 21, 2019

Barrio explains that he and his friends were recruited to the Sons of the Scourge by a man named Tristan. Aati wonders if this might be the same Tristan who went missing from his monastery, but Barrio says that the Tristan who he met is a blond human, unlike the bald Dwarf who Aati knew. Barrio’s group claims to know nothing of the atrocities that the Sons of the Scourge have committed. He says that the “Scourge” was a great calamity that occurred many years ago and that his cult was born out of a desire to make sure that such a calamity never occurs again. Zeri the wood elf claims that she has foreseen a war to come and the destruction of Fuluz’Mora. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if she sees any of the Assblasters in her vision. She says that she sees L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice, but Hooup is blurry. She doesn’t see the others, but she does see clouds of gas. The Assblasters are unsuccessful in convincing Barrio’s group that the Sons of the Scourge are evil, but they get Barrio’s group to agree to leave if they are asked to do anything questionable. Barrio says that he is supposed to meet Tristan at an inn called the Golden Tapir. The Assblasters decide to head to Del’Tassi, but then to head to the Golden Tapir afterward to try to intercept that message. As they are leaving, Barrio tries to give them the gold that he had offered them. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Bradperson take the gold. Lil Justice gives them 5 gold. Hoop sneaks 5 gold to Lil Justice. Vaerog rejects the gold. The Assblasters then head to the valley between two mountains, where the temple of Del’Tassi is nestled. As they walk in, they see that all of the brothers are laying face down and they assume the worst. When Aati goes to check on one of them, the face-down man informs them that they had missed the party. It becomes apparent that they were all alive, but passed out from a wild night of partying. Aati then leads the protagonists to the main hall, where they encounter a group of men wearing togas and playing cards on the back of a man who is on all fours. Aati introduces the men to the Assblasters. Their names are: Bryce, Skyler, Cody, Brody, Topher, Tripp, Hunter, Brayden, Cayden, and Todd. The man who is imitating a table is referred to as “the pledge” and is verbally abused any time he attempts to speak. The protagonists are told that their leader, Brother Chadwick, has just finished meditating and they are free to speak to him. The group heads to Brother Chadwick’s room to discover a young red dragon wearing a baseball cap. The red dragon greets the Assblasters as Aati realizes that he had forgotten to mention that Brother Chadwick was a dragon.


S2 Episode 82 – The Man Who Had to Gladiate

Posted on March 6, 2019

Aati speaks to Brother Chadwick about the Sons of the Scourge, finding it strange that the cultists haven’t attacked Del’Tassi. Brother Chadwick says that he has been talking to Brother Cole from Waleah, but Aati points out that everyone in Waleah was killed weeks ago. Having been caught in a lie, Brother Chadwick reveals that Del’Tassi isn’t a real monastery. It was built as a monastery, but then abandoned. Chadwick and his group found the place and took up residence. When Aati was brought in, he assumed they were worshipers of Moradin and they allowed him to believe that as a joke. Aati’s hazing was all dressed up as holy rituals. When Aati suddenly gained healing abilities, Chadwick decided that the right thing would be to send him to a real monastery, which is how he ended up in Tarnstead. Aati is distraught that he has been lied to and he storms off into the library (which has been converted into a party room). When the group follows Aati into the room, they find him reminiscing about the books that he read there. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remind Aati that all of the things he learned are real, even if the circumstances around them were a joke. After sufficient comforting, Aati thanks them for their support and they return to Brother Chadwick. Brother Chadwick reveals that a few members of the Sons of the Scourge had visited them and he had allowed them to enter the caverns underneath the temple through the magical vortex of water in his room. Chadwick says that the Pledge is the only one who has been down there and that he was sent down as a prank. The group speaks to the Pledge, who crawls into the room on all fours. The Pledge tells them that he was bitten by some kind of shadow dog twice before he left the caverns. The second bite apparently hurt twice as bad as the first one. He shows them wounds surrounded by shadow energy. Hooup spends 5 points of healing to heal the man-table’s bite wound infection. After hearing that there is shadow energy in the caverns, Aati elects to stay behind and read the books to try to find something helpful. Vezharax chooses to stay behind with him, saying that he will use the Sending spell to communicate any useful information that they find. Hooup casts Guidance on Aati to help him find the information. Lil Justice rituals up Speak with Animals to potentially speak to the shadow dog as Hooup casts Sanctuary on himself. Then, Brother Chadwick throws down a rope so they can all go down into the vortex. Dax rolls canon dice to determine that Chadwick has information regarding Carl the Gruel Man. Chadwick tells them that he has hard of Garl the Cruel Man, who is apparently a warrior in the arena of Gashak. The Assblasters seem determined to beat up this cruel man and stop his cruelty, but Brother Chadwick clarifies that the cruel man is only actually cruel to his opponents (not to the general public), which the Assblasters agree is understandable. Finally, the Assblasters climb the rope down into the vortex and enter the caverns. They land on a pile of dirt and bones and Lil Justice quickly finds himself dodging an attack from the shadow dog. The group quickly moves down the cavern until they come upon a crevasse.


S2 Episode 83 – Weird Tentacle Corn

Posted on March 19, 2019

They see signs that the whole cavern might have been dug out by thousands of worms. The group gets to the edge of a crevasse with a river of shadow energy flowing beneath it. The tunnel continues on the other side of the pit 60 feet away. Then, on the right side of the crevasse, they see a strange lamp post with a geode blossoming out of the top. There is Dwarfish writing on it that says “Strike to ignite”. L.A.Z.H.O.R. punches it and the crystal produces a blacklight effect. All of the players assume the light must be harmful and immediately roll to dodge it. Brad person does a sick backflip to avoid the light. which scares away the shadow dog and illuminates some kind of robot fluid that is apparently all over L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice. Lil Justice wipes off some of it and eats a bit. L.A.Z.H.O.R. claims that it is his “residue”.  Lil Justice attempts to speak to the shadow dog, but it says that it previously trusted Dwarves and they tried to hurt “the sisters”, so it refuses to trust again. They spot something floating in midair about 30 feet away from the edge of the crevasse. Brad person recognizes it as a pebble and flies over to grab it. When he does, he feels a stone surface beneath it and lands on an invisible bridge. He uses his “Detect Magic”, which allows him to see a magic aura around the invisible bridge. The group conga-lines their way across the invisible bridge with no difficulty as the shadow dog follows. Then, they come upon three smashing block traps that are moving in sync. They put the Immovable Rod in the smashing trap and it stops one of the blocks from moving. Then, the shadow wolf bites Lil Justice on the back of the calf. He swings his axe at it, but his attack goes straight through it. Vaerog casts Dimension Door to take them to the other side of the trap. He transports himself and Lil Justice with him to the other side of the trap. Bradperson casts Dimension Door and takes himself and Hooup across. L.A.Z.H.O.R. grabs the Immovable Rod, casts Synchronicity, and cartwheels across the traps safely. MC Thicc Boi awkwardly walks through the trap and gets repeatedly smashed, but doesn’t take any damage. The group runs ahead and comes to a fork in the tunnel. L.A.Z.H.O.R. chooses to go left and it leads them to a large room with four crystal lamps, a smashing trap, and a decaying female figure on the other side prostrating itself before the trap. The shadow dog jumps in front of them and says that it will not let them hurt the Sister. It howls as a wall of shadow blocks them from proceeding and tentacles sprout all throughout the room as the dog hides among them. The group attacks the tentacles to clear them out as the shadow dog repeatedly lunges at them from within the tentacles. They attempt to light the lamps, but the lights go out after two turns, so they need to keep attacking them to keep them lit. The dog attacks Lil Justice multiple times, each time doing twice as much damage as the last. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. both step in front of him to take a hit so that he won’t be killed. Eventually, they are able to light the lamps, clear the tentacles, and kill the shadow dog. As the dog dies, the remaining tentacles fade and the dog limps over to the dead female figure. It nuzzles up to her and lays down as it dies next to its former master.


S2 Episode 84 – We Luggin’

Posted on April 3, 2019

After the battle with the shadow dog, the group decides to take a short rest. Afterward, they approach the Elven corpse in the room. Hooup notices Elven writing carved into the wall that says, “Forgive me, sisters. It is better to lose the war as Elves than to win as monsters.” They notice that the Elven corpse seems to have deliberately prostrated itself into the trap so that the trap would crush her head. Her body was somewhat morphed, with her hands transformed into claws and other parts had bulged asymmetrically. Vaerog’s knowledge of Arcana tells him that her partial transformation is related both to shadow energy and also to a strange silver monkey’s jawbone with geode crystals inside. Vaerog recognizes its power and affixes it to his staff, giving him +2 to spell attack and damage. They recognize that it looks similar to the silver monkey artifact pieces that they have been collecting. Then, while the group is resting, Vezharax uses the Sending spell to communicate to the group. He chooses to communicate directly with Lil Justice, because Lil Justice seems to be the most trustworthy member who isn’t a complete idiot. Vezharax says that he had mended a book and discovered that there was an artifact called “the Monkey’s Skull”. Vezharax relays a rhyme that he found in the book:
“Three sisters sought to end the war
and find the Monkey’s Skull
All three sisters disappeared
And then the swords grew dull
To find the sisters, one by one,
the lords sent fifty men
There was some screaming in the night
but they were never seen again”

Lil Justice poorly communicates his own version which comes out as:

“Three sisters helped start a war
they played with monkeys’ skulls
All three sisters are very sexy
and then the swords were testy
The swords and the sisters, one by one
helped to murder fifty men
Their loud voices screaming for all to hear
and they were never seen again”

They use the Immovable Rod to block the smashing wall trap and proceed through, unclicking the rod and taking it with them. once they had passed the trap. They proceed down a ladder as Bradperson flies to the bottom and takes the lead. They enter a room with a stone altar with a skeleton on top. Then, the group notices that the rooms is lined with Dwarven corpses which are nailed to the walls. The players successfully roll canon dice to determine that most of the corpses are wearing Fjällräven Kånken backpacks. The corpses also appear to be wearing robes of Moradin and it becomes apparent that these corpses are the Brothers of Moradin who previously occupied the Temple of Del’Tassi before their disappearance. Suddenly, Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw begins glowing as two mutated female elves appear. Each one is wearing half of the Monkey’s skull as a mask. The one with the left half of the skull is snacking on a purple-robed corpse while the right half pulls a lever to trap the Assblasters in the room. She accidentally breaks the lever, leaving the smashing trap behind them slammed shut. There are troughs flowing with shadow energy around the room. The Elven shadow mutant with the right-half of the mask scoops up a handful and drinks it, while left-half masked mutant drops the corpse she was holding at the sight of Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw. Hooup attempts to distract the left-half Sister by rubbing spices on himself and telling her to eat him, but she is fixated on Vaerog and charges straight for him. It becomes apparent that the two Sisters become more powerful the closer they are to the other pieces of the Monkey’s Skull. The pieces glow more brightly and they do more damage/take less damage when they are within 10 feet of another piece. Vaerog attempts to use this to his advantage by running up close to them, but quickly realizes that his Monkey Jaw doesn’t provide him with as much power as their pieces do, because they have attached the pieces directly to their bodies instead of channeling the power through a staff. He attempts to blast them with a lightning bolt at point blank range, but the combined power of the Monkey Skull pieces being in close proximity causes them to take severely reduced damage. Vaerog quickly throws away the Monkey Jaw to Hooup in order to avoid being counterattacked. Hooup turns one of the sister’s attacks on herself and then uses his intense Monk speed to get the Jaw away from the Sisters while high-fiving all of his friends in the process. The two mutant Sisters continue to attack whoever holds the Monkey’s Jaw until Bradperson banishes the Right Sister and L.A.Z.H.O.R. defeats the Left Sister by shooting an Eldritch Blast laser through her stomach. Bradperson tears the Left half of the mask off of the dead Elf mutant and keeps it separate from Hooup’s piece. When Banishment ends and the Right Sister reappears, L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts Hunger of Hadar to surround her with a void full of tentacles. She rushes out of the void, heading straight for her deceased sister and refusing to leave her side until L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts her back into the void. She attempts to rush the Left half of the mask, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his Minotaur Wall technique to wall her in. The remaining Sister lashes out until Lil Justice finally uses his axe to split her skull open and kill her. She reaches out for her sister and dies as Lil Justice says, “Justice has been served… that’s my catchphrase now…” They look at the three skull pieces and realize that the back of the silver Monkey’s skull still seems to be missing. Vaerog decides to steal a Fjällräven Kånken backpack off of one of the Dwarf corpses that is pinned to the wall.