S2 Ep. 81 – 90

S2 Episode 81 – Scourgey Hut Jr.

Posted on February 21, 2019

Barrio explains that he and his friends were recruited to the Sons of the Scourge by a man named Tristan. Aati wonders if this might be the same Tristan who went missing from his monastery, but Barrio says that the Tristan who he met is a blond human, unlike the bald Dwarf who Aati knew. Barrio’s group claims to know nothing of the atrocities that the Sons of the Scourge have committed. He says that the “Scourge” was a great calamity that occurred many years ago and that his cult was born out of a desire to make sure that such a calamity never occurs again. Zeri the wood elf claims that she has foreseen a war to come and the destruction of Fuluz’Mora. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if she sees any of the Assblasters in her vision. She says that she sees L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice, but Hooup is blurry. She doesn’t see the others, but she does see clouds of gas. The Assblasters are unsuccessful in convincing Barrio’s group that the Sons of the Scourge are evil, but they get Barrio’s group to agree to leave if they are asked to do anything questionable. Barrio says that he is supposed to meet Tristan at an inn called the Golden Tapir. The Assblasters decide to head to Del’Tassi, but then to head to the Golden Tapir afterward to try to intercept that message. As they are leaving, Barrio tries to give them the gold that he had offered them. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Bradperson take the gold. Lil Justice gives them 5 gold. Hoop sneaks 5 gold to Lil Justice. Vaerog rejects the gold. The Assblasters then head to the valley between two mountains, where the temple of Del’Tassi is nestled. As they walk in, they see that all of the brothers are laying face down and they assume the worst. When Aati goes to check on one of them, the face-down man informs them that they had missed the party. It becomes apparent that they were all alive, but passed out from a wild night of partying. Aati then leads the protagonists to the main hall, where they encounter a group of men wearing togas and playing cards on the back of a man who is on all fours. Aati introduces the men to the Assblasters. Their names are: Bryce, Skyler, Cody, Brody, Topher, Tripp, Hunter, Brayden, Cayden, and Todd. The man who is imitating a table is referred to as “the pledge” and is verbally abused any time he attempts to speak. The protagonists are told that their leader, Brother Chadwick, has just finished meditating and they are free to speak to him. The group heads to Brother Chadwick’s room to discover a young red dragon wearing a baseball cap. The red dragon greets the Assblasters as Aati realizes that he had forgotten to mention that Brother Chadwick was a dragon.


S2 Episode 82 – The Man Who Had to Gladiate

Posted on March 6, 2019

Aati speaks to Brother Chadwick about the Sons of the Scourge, finding it strange that the cultists haven’t attacked Del’Tassi. Brother Chadwick says that he has been talking to Brother Cole from Waleah, but Aati points out that everyone in Waleah was killed weeks ago. Having been caught in a lie, Brother Chadwick reveals that Del’Tassi isn’t a real monastery. It was built as a monastery, but then abandoned. Chadwick and his group found the place and took up residence. When Aati was brought in, he assumed they were worshipers of Moradin and they allowed him to believe that as a joke. Aati’s hazing was all dressed up as holy rituals. When Aati suddenly gained healing abilities, Chadwick decided that the right thing would be to send him to a real monastery, which is how he ended up in Tarnstead. Aati is distraught that he has been lied to and he storms off into the library (which has been converted into a party room). When the group follows Aati into the room, they find him reminiscing about the books that he read there. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remind Aati that all of the things he learned are real, even if the circumstances around them were a joke. After sufficient comforting, Aati thanks them for their support and they return to Brother Chadwick. Brother Chadwick reveals that a few members of the Sons of the Scourge had visited them and he had allowed them to enter the caverns underneath the temple through the magical vortex of water in his room. Chadwick says that the Pledge is the only one who has been down there and that he was sent down as a prank. The group speaks to the Pledge, who crawls into the room on all fours. The Pledge tells them that he was bitten by some kind of shadow dog twice before he left the caverns. The second bite apparently hurt twice as bad as the first one. He shows them wounds surrounded by shadow energy. Hooup spends 5 points of healing to heal the man-table’s bite wound infection. After hearing that there is shadow energy in the caverns, Aati elects to stay behind and read the books to try to find something helpful. Vezharax chooses to stay behind with him, saying that he will use the Sending spell to communicate any useful information that they find. Hooup casts Guidance on Aati to help him find the information. Lil Justice rituals up Speak with Animals to potentially speak to the shadow dog as Hooup casts Sanctuary on himself. Then, Brother Chadwick throws down a rope so they can all go down into the vortex. Dax rolls canon dice to determine that Chadwick has information regarding Carl the Gruel Man. Chadwick tells them that he has hard of Garl the Cruel Man, who is apparently a warrior in the arena of Gashak. The Assblasters seem determined to beat up this cruel man and stop his cruelty, but Brother Chadwick clarifies that the cruel man is only actually cruel to his opponents (not to the general public), which the Assblasters agree is understandable. Finally, the Assblasters climb the rope down into the vortex and enter the caverns. They land on a pile of dirt and bones and Lil Justice quickly finds himself dodging an attack from the shadow dog. The group quickly moves down the cavern until they come upon a crevasse.


S2 Episode 83 – Weird Tentacle Corn

Posted on March 19, 2019

They see signs that the whole cavern might have been dug out by thousands of worms. The group gets to the edge of a crevasse with a river of shadow energy flowing beneath it. The tunnel continues on the other side of the pit 60 feet away. Then, on the right side of the crevasse, they see a strange lamp post with a geode blossoming out of the top. There is Dwarfish writing on it that says “Strike to ignite”. L.A.Z.H.O.R. punches it and the crystal produces a blacklight effect. All of the players assume the light must be harmful and immediately roll to dodge it. Brad person does a sick backflip to avoid the light. which scares away the shadow dog and illuminates some kind of robot fluid that is apparently all over L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice. Lil Justice wipes off some of it and eats a bit. L.A.Z.H.O.R. claims that it is his “residue”.  Lil Justice attempts to speak to the shadow dog, but it says that it previously trusted Dwarves and they tried to hurt “the sisters”, so it refuses to trust again. They spot something floating in midair about 30 feet away from the edge of the crevasse. Brad person recognizes it as a pebble and flies over to grab it. When he does, he feels a stone surface beneath it and lands on an invisible bridge. He uses his “Detect Magic”, which allows him to see a magic aura around the invisible bridge. The group conga-lines their way across the invisible bridge with no difficulty as the shadow dog follows. Then, they come upon three smashing block traps that are moving in sync. They put the Immovable Rod in the smashing trap and it stops one of the blocks from moving. Then, the shadow wolf bites Lil Justice on the back of the calf. He swings his axe at it, but his attack goes straight through it. Vaerog casts Dimension Door to take them to the other side of the trap. He transports himself and Lil Justice with him to the other side of the trap. Bradperson casts Dimension Door and takes himself and Hooup across. L.A.Z.H.O.R. grabs the Immovable Rod, casts Synchronicity, and cartwheels across the traps safely. MC Thicc Boi awkwardly walks through the trap and gets repeatedly smashed, but doesn’t take any damage. The group runs ahead and comes to a fork in the tunnel. L.A.Z.H.O.R. chooses to go left and it leads them to a large room with four crystal lamps, a smashing trap, and a decaying female figure on the other side prostrating itself before the trap. The shadow dog jumps in front of them and says that it will not let them hurt the Sister. It howls as a wall of shadow blocks them from proceeding and tentacles sprout all throughout the room as the dog hides among them. The group attacks the tentacles to clear them out as the shadow dog repeatedly lunges at them from within the tentacles. They attempt to light the lamps, but the lights go out after two turns, so they need to keep attacking them to keep them lit. The dog attacks Lil Justice multiple times, each time doing twice as much damage as the last. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. both step in front of him to take a hit so that he won’t be killed. Eventually, they are able to light the lamps, clear the tentacles, and kill the shadow dog. As the dog dies, the remaining tentacles fade and the dog limps over to the dead female figure. It nuzzles up to her and lays down as it dies next to its former master.


S2 Episode 84 – We Luggin’

Posted on April 3, 2019

After the battle with the shadow dog, the group decides to take a short rest. Afterward, they approach the Elven corpse in the room. Hooup notices Elven writing carved into the wall that says, “Forgive me, sisters. It is better to lose the war as Elves than to win as monsters.” They notice that the Elven corpse seems to have deliberately prostrated itself into the trap so that the trap would crush her head. Her body was somewhat morphed, with her hands transformed into claws and other parts had bulged asymmetrically. Vaerog’s knowledge of Arcana tells him that her partial transformation is related both to shadow energy and also to a strange silver monkey’s jawbone with geode crystals inside. Vaerog recognizes its power and affixes it to his staff, giving him +2 to spell attack and damage. They recognize that it looks similar to the silver monkey artifact pieces that they have been collecting. Then, while the group is resting, Vezharax uses the Sending spell to communicate to the group. He chooses to communicate directly with Lil Justice, because Lil Justice seems to be the most trustworthy member who isn’t a complete idiot. Vezharax says that he had mended a book and discovered that there was an artifact called “the Monkey’s Skull”. Vezharax relays a rhyme that he found in the book:
“Three sisters sought to end the war
and find the Monkey’s Skull
All three sisters disappeared
And then the swords grew dull
To find the sisters, one by one,
the lords sent fifty men
There was some screaming in the night
but they were never seen again”

Lil Justice poorly communicates his own version which comes out as:

“Three sisters helped start a war
they played with monkeys’ skulls
All three sisters are very sexy
and then the swords were testy
The swords and the sisters, one by one
helped to murder fifty men
Their loud voices screaming for all to hear
and they were never seen again”

They use the Immovable Rod to block the smashing wall trap and proceed through, unclicking the rod and taking it with them. once they had passed the trap. They proceed down a ladder as Bradperson flies to the bottom and takes the lead. They enter a room with a stone altar with a skeleton on top. Then, the group notices that the rooms is lined with Dwarven corpses which are nailed to the walls. The players successfully roll canon dice to determine that most of the corpses are wearing Fjällräven Kånken backpacks. The corpses also appear to be wearing robes of Moradin and it becomes apparent that these corpses are the Brothers of Moradin who previously occupied the Temple of Del’Tassi before their disappearance. Suddenly, Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw begins glowing as two mutated female elves appear. Each one is wearing half of the Monkey’s skull as a mask. The one with the left half of the skull is snacking on a purple-robed corpse while the right half pulls a lever to trap the Assblasters in the room. She accidentally breaks the lever, leaving the smashing trap behind them slammed shut. There are troughs flowing with shadow energy around the room. The Elven shadow mutant with the right-half of the mask scoops up a handful and drinks it, while left-half masked mutant drops the corpse she was holding at the sight of Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw. Hooup attempts to distract the left-half Sister by rubbing spices on himself and telling her to eat him, but she is fixated on Vaerog and charges straight for him. It becomes apparent that the two Sisters become more powerful the closer they are to the other pieces of the Monkey’s Skull. The pieces glow more brightly and they do more damage/take less damage when they are within 10 feet of another piece. Vaerog attempts to use this to his advantage by running up close to them, but quickly realizes that his Monkey Jaw doesn’t provide him with as much power as their pieces do, because they have attached the pieces directly to their bodies instead of channeling the power through a staff. He attempts to blast them with a lightning bolt at point blank range, but the combined power of the Monkey Skull pieces being in close proximity causes them to take severely reduced damage. Vaerog quickly throws away the Monkey Jaw to Hooup in order to avoid being counterattacked. Hooup turns one of the sister’s attacks on herself and then uses his intense Monk speed to get the Jaw away from the Sisters while high-fiving all of his friends in the process. The two mutant Sisters continue to attack whoever holds the Monkey’s Jaw until Bradperson banishes the Right Sister and L.A.Z.H.O.R. defeats the Left Sister by shooting an Eldritch Blast laser through her stomach. Bradperson tears the Left half of the mask off of the dead Elf mutant and keeps it separate from Hooup’s piece. When Banishment ends and the Right Sister reappears, L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts Hunger of Hadar to surround her with a void full of tentacles. She rushes out of the void, heading straight for her deceased sister and refusing to leave her side until L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts her back into the void. She attempts to rush the Left half of the mask, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his Minotaur Wall technique to wall her in. The remaining Sister lashes out until Lil Justice finally uses his axe to split her skull open and kill her. She reaches out for her sister and dies as Lil Justice says, “Justice has been served… that’s my catchphrase now…” They look at the three skull pieces and realize that the back of the silver Monkey’s skull still seems to be missing. Vaerog decides to steal a Fjällräven Kånken backpack off of one of the Dwarf corpses that is pinned to the wall.


S2 Episode 85 – An Adult-Sized Minion

Posted on May 2, 2019

The group proceeds to examine the blonde corpse that was being eaten by one of the Sisters. They quickly realize that the corpse is human and can’t possibly be Illum. MC Thicc Boi gets sentimental as he imagines the day that he will be examining their corpses. L.A.Z.H.O.R. kicks MC Thicc Boi into the trough full of shadow goo on the edge of the room. Vaerog proceeds to cast Mending to fix the broken lever and pulls on it, which open the door in front of him. As he opens it, three rats that have been infected by shadow energy emerge from behind it. Hooup quickly throws some of his spices on the blond human’s corpse. Two of them try to attack Vaerog while the third shadow rat rushes toward the human’s corpse and begins nibbling on it. Frankie refers to them as minions and Andy proceeds to roll canon dice. With his roll, he successfully makes it canon that all rats in the world are actually just Minions, like the small yellow creatures from the Despicable Me movies. Vaerog uses Acid Splash to kill two of the shadow minions and they ignore the third one as it feasts on the human corpse. The Assblasters then attempt to put together the three Silver Monkey Skull pieces. The pieces have a strange magnetic attraction to one another and glow when put together. L.A.Z.H.O.R. gets a strange desire to put the pieces on his face. Vaerog quickly shuts down that idea by taking back the left half of the skull. Bradperson also takes back his piece and L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts the jawbone in his compartment. They go through the doorway and find a mineshaft going straight down with a rope hanging down it. They determine that it is strong enough to hold one or two normal people at a time. Bradperson jumps down and L.A.Z.H.O.R. does a backflip to the bottom. He rolls a high Acrobatics check to determine that he doesn’t take any damage from the 30 foot drop. At the bottom of the shaft, there is another room with stalactites covering the ceiling. In that room, there is a statue of a gorilla with spider legs jutting out of its back. In front of that, there is an altar with a treasure chest on it. Lil Justice opens the chest and finds the final piece of the silver monkey’s skull. As he takes the piece, he gets a mental message from Vezharax, telling him that the statue apparently represents some kind of ancient god of darkness, dreams, and nightmares. Vezharax’s message is suddenly interrupted as he says that the temple above is being attacked by the Ghost-Faced Killer. The gorilla statue then raises its hand and opens it, causing Bradperson to suddenly find himself standing in his old kitchen with his little brother, Chadperson. He is back in the past on the day of his little brother’s fledging ceremony (the first day he would fly in the open air). Bradperson remembers all of the mistakes that he made on that day and tries to correct each one. In the end, Chadperson ends up falling into the misty Cloud Forest below. Bradperson goes down to retrieve him. Upon reaching him, Chadperson suddenly turns his head all the way around and says, “But that’s not what happened, is it?” At that moment, Bradperson is instantly warped back to the beginning of the memory. Then, we switch to L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s perspective as L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds himself stranded in a void. He then meets a blue rectangular figure named Blocko. Blocko claims to be a manifestation of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s consciousness designed to calm him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. follows Blocko until a laser beam blasts through Blocko’s chest, causing Blocko to disintegrate. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is then greeted by the Dark Wizard, Khalifa. The ten foot tall devil sits at a chess board and offers to free L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s consciousness in exchange for the right to take control of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s body for 24 hours. L.A.Z.H.O.R. poorly attempts to play chess with Khalifa, using rules he has stolen from every other board game he can think of. He agrees to give Khalifa control of his body at a time of Khalifa’s choosing. They shake hands on it and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is then dropped into a series of scenarios where Khalifa punishes him to remind him “where [his’ powers came from.” L.A.Z.H.O.R. is sent through a series of scenarios where he is expected to use the powers that he stole from enemy monsters, but he doesn’t figure that out until failing multiple scenarios and taking a lot of damage. After running through giant scorpions and falling off a cliff, he finds himself in a labyrinth. He attempts to use the minotaur’s power to tear down the walls, but because he inside his mind, using the power instead transforms him into the skeletal minotaur. As the minotaur, he is able to easily navigate the labyrinth. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then battles the dark wizard Khalifa as they fight inside L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s chest and Khalifa sits on top of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s heart shooting Edlritch Blasts down at L.A.Z.H.O.R. After a few hits, L.A.Z.H.O.R. is knocked unconscious as Khalifa laughs and says that he looks forward to taking control of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s body.


S2 Episode 86 – Chekhov’s Pee Elemental

Posted on May 16, 2019

Lil Justice swings his axe at the statue, but fails to damage it. Hooup then attacks a stalactite above the statue’s head, causing it to drop on the statue’s head. The statue seems mostly unaffected and proceeds to sprout many more legs from its back. It ceases to look like a spider-monkey and starts to look like a Gorillapede. The statue then uses the insectoid legs to stab at him, damaging him badly. Vaerog uses the Trickster’s Quill to turn Acid Splash into “Acid Splish” and attacks with it. The statue remains unaffected. Lil Justice runs over to L.A.Z.H.O.R. and uses the button on his arm cannon to fire L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon and push the statue back against the wall. The statue reacts by putting Lil Justice to sleep. In Lil Justice’s dream, he wakes up next to a dead elf whose name he cannot remember. He is back in his memory of the time he saved Westchesteros from the Manticore. The Manticore chases him through a back alley and he runs into a nearby store, grabbing chains and pitch to burn down a guard tower and bring down a guard tower on top of its head. On Bradperson’s turn, he is allowed to run through his memory again and this time, he deliberately tries not to change anything. His warlock patron speaks to him and commends him for finally accepting what he cannot change. The patron tells him that, “when the time comes, you must bring me the weapon.” The patron then gifts him with improved perception. On L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s turn, he wakes up in his happy place, which is apparently a small, plain white room. His imaginary friend, Blocko, appears next to him telling him that Khalifa is keeping his word by releasing L.A.Z.H.O.R., but doing it very slowly by trapping L.A.Z.H.O.R. in his happy place. L.A.Z.H.O.R. exits the room only to end up in another plain white room with a second Blocko in it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. begins running through the rooms as fast as he can, generating Blockos as fast as possible in the hopes of overloading the system. Meanwhile, in the real world, Vaerog and Hooup realize that they are hopelessly outmatched. They attempt to escape by using the pulley to lift their unconscious friends up the mine shaft and out of the room. The Gorillapede statue stabs Vaerog with its insect legs. As they make it back to the room where they had fought the masked Sisters, the gorillapede statue begins stabbing its legs into the wall of the mine shaft in order to climb up after them. As it approaches, they close one of the smashing traps on it, partially crushing it. In that moment, L.A.Z.H.O.R. wakes up. He blasts the statue back so that its head is crushed in the trap. Then, he sees its aura and is able to absorb the statue’s reiki. This transforms his lazor cannon into a large stone fist. L.A.Z.H.O.R. believes that he has stolen the creature’s sleep powers. A feral minion from earlier rushes at them and L.A.Z.H.O.R. “puts it to sleep” by punching it really hard in the face with his new stone fist.


S2 Episode 87 – That Is What It Do

Posted on May 29, 2019

Everyone has officially leveled up to Level 9 after defeating the Gorillapede statue. The group leaves the dungeon to return to the temple of Del’Tassi. Upon their return, they find the place badly damaged and the brothers all blockaded themselves in the library. They see a badly bleeding Vezharax, who tells them that Aati lost control and wounded him. The group then heads out to the front to see that the shadow tentacles have sprouted from Aati and they now look more like giant spider legs. Aati wildly stabs at remaining zombies with the shadow legs. When the last zombie is killed, L.A.Z.H.O.R. calls out to him and he slowly turns and begins approaching the group menacingly. Hooup manages to avoid his attacking shadow appendages and use his healing hands to bring Aati back to his senses. The group then convinces the brothers and Chadwick to remove the blockade and let them into the library. Chadwick reveals that the brothers were partying the entire time, despite their lives being in imminent danger. He also claims that “someone” got the dogs drunk. Lil Justice casts Speak with Animals to talk to a very drunk Winston, who is laying in front of a mirror pawing at his own reflection. Martha apparently handled her beer like a champ and didn’t even get a little bit drunk. After being invited to drink, the rest of the party drinks a lot. A very drunk Aati volunteers to drive the chariot while the other party members rest. They awaken to find that Aati passed out and drove the chariot off the side of the road. MC Thicc Boi claims that there is something urgent that needs their attention and leads them to a nearby hill where he has clearly made a pile of rocks on top. There is an X mark at the bottom of the hill and he convinces L.A.Z.H.O.R. to stand on it. The automaton then climbs the hill and pushes the rocks down to create a small avalanche. Vezharax pushes L.A.Z.H.O.R. out of the way before the avalanche would have killed him. Vezharax asks MC Thicc Boi to explain how its programming works. It says that it is programmed to either kill all intruders or confirm they are dead, but, if it can kill them, then it must be the one to do it. Vezharax says that his vow of vengeance worked the same way. Vaerog then creates an illusion of the Assblasters’ corpses. MC Thicc Boi briefly becomes ecstatic at the sight until it realizes that it has been deceived. It says that it has learned never to trust them. MC Thicc Boi persuades the group to drink more beer in the hopes of killing them with alcohol poisoning. The group toasts to Forg and MC Thicc Boi attempts to repeatedly toast to Forg to get them to drink more. Lil Justice then kicks Aati out of the driver’s seat and drives the chariot to Fuluz’Mora. As they arrive, Vezharax tells Hooup that he and Aati had found some talismans that once belonged to a great monk named Master Zoombino. These talismans apparently have the power to multiply or divide a creature/object’s weight. Then, Vezharax tells Vaerog that they also found a Deck of Illusions. Vezharax gives the talismans to Hooup and gives the Deck of Illusions to Vaerog. The group then proceeds to Fuluz’Mora, which is a city built under the seat of an enormous chair that is carved into a mountain. It is alleged that Moradin once sat in the enormous chair. The group goes into the city and heads to the Golden Tapir Inn. Vaerog disguises himself as Barrio and talks to the barkeep to get the message that was intended for him. The barkeep tells Vaerog that a man is waiting upstairs to meet him alone. Vaerog casts the Invisibility spell on L.A.Z.H.O.R. and they go upstairs, where they see Malexxis waiting for them. Meanwhile, the other party members hear Barrio’s group coming toward the front door of the inn. Lil Justice and Bradperson burst through the door and pretend to fight in order to distract Barrio’s group from interrupting Vaerog’s meeting. Back upstairs, Malexxis welcomes the disguised Vaerog and quickly admits that the rumors about the Sons of the Scourge are all true. Malexxis claims that the world has become full of heretics and worshippers of false gods. He believes that these people are bringing about the end of the world and says that he aims to stop that. Malexxis alleges that he has proof as he opens a portal, inviting the disguised Vaerog to step through. Vaerog tries to postpone the meeting, but fails all of his deception checks. Malexxis hands him a ceremonial dagger with infernal script carved into the blade. The cult leader says that they will meet again soon enough and bids Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.OR. farewell by name, revealing that he saw through their ruse and knows them by name.


S2 Episode 88 – It Is I, the Richest Man in the World

Posted on June 13, 2019

L.A.Z.H.O.R. shows Barrio’s group a projection of Malexxis admitting to his crimes. Dribbles the Gnome says, “Mhmm, I’ve been in enough cults to know how this is going. This is a cult. I’m out.” The Assblasters also persuade Jizz the goblin to leave the cult. The remaining members of Barrio’s group decide to stay in the cult without Barrio, because Malexxis had said that Barrio was kicked out and that he couldn’t be trusted. Barrio curses the Assblasters for betraying his trust as he goes out on his own to try to find out what Malexxis knows about the end of the world. Bradperson reads the inscription on the ceremonial dagger that Malexxis gave Vaerog. The inscription reads, “Keep collecting the pieces of the Überhorn and you will be reunited with Illum soon enough.” The Assblasters then hear the sound of a parade in honor of the king’s upcoming birthday. It is apparently the Xiaventh day of the Xiaventh month (which falls on a Tuesday this year). Vezharax informs them that the king offers a special boon to one petitioner each year. The Assblasters decide to try to get into the king’s feast to offer their own petition. They pull aside a Dwarven noble to ask how they could get into the feast. The Dwarven noble brings them to an Elven noble with his right eye sewn shut. The Elven noble introduces himself as Lord Siloughby and says that he is bored with the day-to-day affairs of the city. He offers to help the Assblasters in their quest if they compete in a game for him to see who can make the most money in two hours. He has an associate named Madoff (played by our friend and guest voice, Berni) who sells the Assblasters potions to improve their charisma and intelligence. The Assblasters agree to take turns and the one whose turn it is wears an amulet so that everyone else can see what they are doing in a crystal ball. Bradperson immediately robs Lord Siloughby’s private vault and teleports back with the Dimension Door spell before the guards can catch him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts an illusion to make his armor plating gold-colored and pretends to be a nobleman named “G.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Gold Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). He goes to the city’s largest bank. The players attempt to roll canon dice for the bank to be called “Gringotts,” but they roll a 2 and the bank’s name instead becomes “Hotgrits”. G.A.Z.H.O.R. pretends to be the richest man in the world and demands to see their most guarded vault. He is allowed to see their second most guarded vault, which he very blatantly robs. L.A.Z.H.O.R. stuffs jewels and magic items in his pockets, then uses the Fly spell to fly over the guards. After a brief carriage chase, he makes it back to Lord Siloughby’s estate, becoming a wanted fugitive in the process, because he apparently thought that Lord Siloughby had the authority to pardon crimes. Lil Justice then goes to the town square and offers to talk to peoples’ bears. He then gets into a fight with a man called “Bearwhipper” and cuts the harness off the man’s bear to set it free. Nearby guards threatened to arrest Lil Justice for damage to Bearwhipper’s private property; however, they agree to look the other way in exchange for a round of drinks and an autograph from Lil Justice. Vaerog attempts to sell the amulet and crystal ball that were being used to watch them to two wealthy Dwarf nobles. When the Dwarves let Vaerog examine their gold, he casts Dimension Door to portal himself out with the gold, the amulet, and the crystal ball. For his turn, Madoff goes to the town square to try to sell his potions. He manages to sell a bunch of charisma potions to the same two idiot nobles that Vaerog had just swindled. It is decided that Vaerog has earned the most money with his scam, so as a bonus prize, he is granted a locket that transforms into the wearer’s most secret desire. Once he puts it on, it becomes a scroll that would allow him to cast “Speak with Dead” as a Wizard spell. Lord Siloughby pulls aside Madoff and thanks him for keeping the game interesting by trying to sabotage the other players. Once out of sight of the Assblasters, Lord Siloughby gives Madoff the money that the group had gathered as compensation for his work. Madoff then transforms into his true form; that of a snake-headed Yuan-ti. The snake-headed snake-oil salesman says he will use the money to get himself somewhere far away from those looking for it. The Assblasters then proceed to the king’s palace for his birthday feast, escorted by Lord Siloughby. They dress Bradperson in their finest robes and crown as they ride their chariot right up into the palace’s enormous entry hall and they line up next to the other nobles. Upon lining up, they realized they are standing right next to Pabarel Darkstone & O’jae of Elmoor, Drandir & Gorp of Oakfen, and Praxis Darkstone, the king regent of the Elven capital. Pabarel Darkstone looks at Bradperson and says, “Are those my robes?”

O’Jae looks at their white bronco and says, “Is that my horse?”

Drandir looks at Vaerog’s arcane focus and says, “Is that my staff?”

The king regent looks at Bradperson and says, “Is that my crown?”


S2 Episode 89 – The Burger End of the Spectrum

Posted on July 3, 2019

The Assblasters manage to convince the other nobles that their items weren’t stolen just as a servant comes out to let them all into the palace. The group’s weapons are all collected as they enter King Goldenbeard’s palace only to discover that there are golden runes and antimagic crystals lining the walls, which prevent any magic from being cast within the castle. Aati and Vezharax sneak into the chariot and switch outfits while Aati cuts his hair and breaks off the ends of his horns in order to disguise himself from the many paladins who are swarming this place (who are very aware that he is a wanted fugitive). The player characters are taken to an extravagant ballroom lined with marble floors and granite tables around the edges of the room. The ceiling of the room has at least a thousand fresh flowers pinned to it and their petals sporadically fall from the ceiling, causing a slow shower of flower petals gently floating through the air around them. The right and left walls are mostly made of thick glass. Behind each glass wall is an enormous aquarium filled with brilliantly colored fish and mermaids who curiously wave to the guests. Each granite table is reserved for representatives from all the other major cities. The protagonists are here on behalf of Lord Siloughby, the Elven noble with a coif of blue-grey hair and his right eye sewn shut. He sponsors their petition, because he apparently finds them amusing. The group is then told that the king only grants one petition each year and he makes the petitioners vote for whose petition will be granted. This simple game cleverly makes the different nobles trade favors for votes, so that they solve each other’s problems and the king only needs to grant one favor to keep them happy. The vote must be unanimous. The Assblasters have until the end of the feast to either convince the other nobles all or use your vote to support someone else’s petition in exchange for a lesser prize.

Brinjal is the only place that didn’t send their actual leader. King Durian has opted to remain in Brinjal while he sent two representatives: their former party member, Sapodia, who apparently can fly now, and Durian’s court sorcerer, a Kookaburra Aarakocra named Bartlett Cromsby.

Lil Justice speaks to Pabarel Darkstone, who reveals that his companion, O’Jae, had followed L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s tracks in search of his stolen horse and found the secret exit to Elmoor that they had used to escape the city. O’Jae had shared this information with Pabarel Darkstone, who snuck Dwarven army into Elmoor to crush the Elven rebellion and take back the city. Fanetan, the leader of the rebel group (Thraciel’s Wings), was captured and imprisoned. His second-in-command, Galrana, took over the group and she has been engaging in guerilla warfare against the Dwarves. Pabarel is here to petition for more soldiers to root out and kill the remaining members of the Elven rebellion. He recognized Aati’s face despite Aati’s disguise and he says that he is willing to give up his petition in exchange for both O’Jae’s horse and Aati’s head.

Tarnstead is represented by its mayor, Mayor McCheese. The players roll canon dice to establish that he looks like an anthropomorphic cheeseburger. With a middling roll, it is decided that he dresses like a cheeseburger. Mayor McCheese promises his vote to the Assblasters in exchange for Aati vowing to rebuild the temple of Moradin and to reform the Hammers of Moradin one month from this date.

Marquis Marq is here to represent Jose’Cuervos’lin with his tutor, Lady Sqarlet, who used to be known as Squander the Jester. She was unaffected by the antimagic field, so it seems that her new form is no simple illusion. It is implied that she permanently changed her form with a True Polymorph spell. Marquis Marq is here to petition for material components that would allow the priestess, Lady Ellary, to make the Forbiddance spell permanent, because stray devils have been coming through the open Hellmouth portal and terrorizing the citizens of Jose’Cuervos’lin. The player characters convince the Marquis that their petition would be necessary for them to win the war to come, which would be more important in keeping his people safe and also would probably require them to destroy those devils anyway. Marquis Marq promises the Assblasters his vote.

Minette Marblevein is the representative of Cacot, who says she is here to petition for food. The waters around Cacot have become polluted and the fish are all dying. The city’s food supplies have been running low and the people are starving because she has been feeding the encamped militia from Elmoor (who were sent to protect the city as a result of Aati & Illum beating Brother Vashenn in a drinking contest.)

The King Regent, Praxis Darkstone, is here to petition to have the Capital City rebuilt, since much of it is still in ruins after the attack by D’Jay’Kaled. Lil Justice promises his aid in rebuilding and says he will recruit members of his tribe as well. Praxis Darkstone promises the Assblasters his vote.

The table for Waleah is empty, because the representative from Waleah, Brother Cole, was killed in the attack on Waleah by the Sons of the Scourge. The Khellukkhaz table is also empty because Queen Qay’leen apparently refuses to play the Dwarves’ political games.

Lord Siloughby has L.A.Z.H.O.R. pardoned for robbing the Hotgritz bank and he compensates the bank for their stolen money. Siloughby’s vizier apparently told the guards that L.A.Z.H.O.R. was being mind controlled by a Dwarven sorcerer with no teeth. Siloughby informs the group that Inquisitor Ironspine has demanded to speak to them at the end of the feast, before they can make your petition. The Inquisitor has doubts about the story that they had exiled Squander the Jester to another plane of existence. He demands to see where they have exiled the prisoner.

At the end of the episode, the group has four votes with the support of Lord Silloughby, Praxis Darkstone, Marquis Marq, and Mayor McCheese. Without the use of magic or weapons, they will still need to convince the remaining 6 petitioners: Sapodia on behalf of Brinjal; Pabarel Darkstone on behalf of Elmoor; Minette Marblevein on behalf of Cacot; Gorp the frog person on behalf of Oakfen; and finally Rhomb Rubyheart and Borathazon Diamondback on behalf of their respective noble houses.


S2 Episode 90 – Diversify Your Clout

Posted on July 17, 2019

Gorp reveals that Oakfen is under investigation for the disappearance of Bellis Diamondback. He is here to petition for the city to be named a sovereign nation of the frogfolk and end the investigation. He isn’t willing to budge much, but he is clearly thirsting for the bejeweled crown that Bradperson is wearing.

The group meets with Rhomb Rubyheart and Ponelope, her apology pony. Ponelope can speak, but can only say the words “I’m”, “so”, and “sorry” (in that order). Rhomb is an older Dwarven noblewoman trying to marry off her daughter, Scoria, who is apparently hideous by Dwarven standards, but seems to be conventionally attractive by human standards. Rhomb says that she would vote for the Assblaster’s petition if they could find a suitable match for her daughter. The group attempts to convince her to consider Gorp on the basis that he and Bellis Diamondback are “fishing buddies”, but the problem is that Gorp won’t have any true political power unless his petition gets answered. At the moment, Gorp is technically ruling the Elves of Oakfen, but that mostly just means that he collects their trash under the guise of it being “taxes”. The Elves seemingly let him call himself “Emperor” so that he will take the fall if the Dwarves try to punish Oakfen for Bellis’ disappearance. The group manages to convince Lord Siloughby and Mayor McCheese to consider a proposal to Scoria Rubyheart, but neither of them has a ton of clout among Dwarven noble clans. In the conversation, it is established that the world is called “Uurf”.

Sapodia and Cromsby are petitioning on behalf King Durian, who lost a wing and an eye in the Assblaster’s assassination attempt. The leader of the Vultures presumably caused those wounds while the group was busy fighting Cromsby. Sapodia was apparently promoted to Master Healer after she cured Durian’s wounds and she quickly became his top representative. Sapodia and Cromsby came to petition for the Stillwind mountains and its surrounding areas to be the sole property of the Aarakocra. This would lead to the evacuation of the Wallflower Campgrounds and the Goliath nomads who live in the mountains. It would also prevent the city of Waleah from ever being repopulated. Because Bradperson was wearing the group’s crown and he wasn’t involved in King Durian’s assassination attempt, they successfully convince her that Bradperson was the king of his hometown, which is apparently called “Birdco”. They persuade her and Cromsby to vote for their petition in exchange for an alliance with the people of Birdco. Bradperson agrees to convince the Aarakocra from his hometown to move to Brinjal and to offer some measure of protection for the birdfolk.

The Assblaster’s speak with Borathazon Diamondback, who wants the king to burn Oakfen to the ground, find his son (Bellis Diamondback), and bring all those involved in his son’s disappearance to justice. The group tells him that they have more information about his Bellis’ disappearance and they imply that Gorp was involved. Borathazon offers them money in exchange for that information.

The group then rolls canon dice to successfully establish that Dwarves refer to their political status as “clout” and that they are all chasing as much clout as they can get.

See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-91-100/