S2 Ep. 71 – 80

S2 Episode 71 – One and a Half Sheep

Posted on October 2, 2018

Vaerog’s spell transports all of the players to Leomund’s Tiny Hut. Leomund is distraught, because his wife has finally left him. His now ex-wife, Letisha, walks through the door and sees the Assblasters. She mistakenly believes that Leomund has thrown a party, causing her to become angry and leave once more. Forg awkwardly gives back Leomund’s wedding ring (which his frog buddy, Fitty Copper, had previously stolen). This only causes Leomund to burst into tears and attempt to lay down in the bed that L.A.Z.H.O.R. had previously destroyed. For one of the first times, Vaerog actually feels sympathy/guilt for Leomund, so he uses the mending spell to fix his bed. Meanwhile, Vezharax casts the Zone of Truth spell to interrogate Aati. Aati gets defensive and also casts Zone of Truth to make sure that Vezharax’s questions are truthful. This causes the Zones of Truth to take up the entire hut so that nobody can lie. Aati then confirms that everything he previously told them was true. Upon questioning, Aati says that he has no recollection of the old woman, Minerva, who claims to have raised a child matching his description. He also admits that he doesn’t remember anything before the age of 10, so he wouldn’t remember her even if her story is true. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his arm’s projection ability to project a Medieval version of the movie “Snow Dogs” on the wall. He watches it with Winston and Martha. After repeatedly confirming that he has never killed any people, Aati defensively asks how many Vezharax has killed. Unable to lie, Vezharax admits that he killed 23 orcs who had slaughtered his clan when he was young. He had vowed to kill anyone who murdered his clan members. This was before he had taken his vow never to kill another person. When Aati brings up Vezharax’s son, the old dragonborn says that his son was killed by a monster. Vezharax then turns his questions to Hooup, who admits that he wasn’t really lost in the labyrinth and had come there searching for anyone who he could help after all of the citizens of Waleah were killed. He says that he was working as an ambassador for an order of monks at the time of the attack. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then tells Leomund that he loves him and that Leomund is one of his best friends, which is apparently somehow true, because it was said in the Zone of Truth. Vezharax remains suspicious that Aati may have been an unwitting accomplice to Illum, but he ends the interrogation for now.  Bradperson examines the artifact pieces and sees that they have runes which say “To return…. back to the sky… the gods…” They roll canon dice to determine that the artifacts are actually pieces of the Silver Monkey from Legends of the Hidden Temple. The group then decides to go to the city of Khelukkhaz to see if there are more artifacts under the temple there and hopefully get clues as to the location of Illum. With some history rolls, the characters remember that Khelukkhaz lies at the base of a mountain in the center of the Stormlands, where it is eternally raining. There is a magical barrier keeping the rain out of the city. Goblins are apparently treated as equal citizens within the city. It’s queen is a human named Qay’leen, who is believed to be a demigod and is one of the most powerful sorcerers in the world. The characters get in their golden chariot and begin heading to Khelukkhaz. As they’re on their way through the Stormlands, they send Lil Justice’s silver raven back to Winston’s former fairy master, Robin Goodfellow, to insult him and ask him if he’s seen Illum.


S2 Episode 72 – Dude Ranch

Posted on October 17, 2018

This episode begins a few days after end of the last. The Assblasters are arriving at the city of Khelukkhaz as lil Justice’s silver raven figurine, Simon, returns to him. Dax uses his canon dice roll to determine that his silver raven token sings a song that is very similar (but legally distinct) from the Mail Song in Blue’s Clues. Robin Goodfellow’s reply returns Lil Justice’s insults and says that he hasn’t seen anyone who looks like Illum. At the outskirts of the city, Aati & Vezharax choose to stay outside, for fear that Aati would be recognized as a wanted fugitive. The group then steps through the magical barrier that blocks the rain as they enter the city of Khelukkhaz. They see humans and goblins stepping out of the city to collect rain water for their homes. The adventurers walk through the city and see that it is full of flowers and all of the buildings are painted different colors. They head through to the other side of the city and back into the rain, where they find Khelukkhaz’s temple of Moradin. They head inside and talk to the head of the monastery, Brother Gossan, who L.A.Z.H.O.R. mistakenly believes is a janitor. Brother Gossan says that he is aware of crypts underneath the monastery, but that Queen Qay’leen has taken the key for safekeeping after reportss of cultists attacking the monasteries and that they would need an appointment to see her.  They re-enter the city to get an appointment, but are told that the next appointment is in two weeks. When the goblin attendant leaves his desk, they check the appointment book and see that the first appointment is an ellipsis followed by an address and that it is scheduled for the following morning. L.A.Z.H.O.R. pencils his name in between the dots of the ellipsis and they head to the address, hoping to convince the appointee to share their appointment with them. As they head back into the rain, Hooup’s raccoon companion wanders off into the woods and he chases it until he runs into Vezharax and Aati, who saw them exit the city and are wondering what they are doing. After explaining the situation, Hooup, Vezharax, and Aati rejoin the group and they head to a dillapidated farm. At this point in the episode, the players are joined by two of our friends, Kaylin and Christina. The group goes to the rainy ranch and Andy rolls canon dice to make it canon that it is, in fact, a “dude ranch” (open to interpretation). Joe the DM decides to interpret it so that every animal on the farm is male. While it is unclear how an all-male animal farm functions, the adventurers proceed inside the farm and talk to the owner, a dark-skinned Dwarven man named Comma. He introduces his daughter, Ellipsis, and tells them that he was recently attacked by a Yeti from the snowy mountains nearby. The adventurers are eager to offer to slay the Yeti for him, but he tells them that he actually already hired a bounty hunter to take care of the Yeti and that he just needs someone to take care of the menial labor around the farm while he is healing. Comma claims that the temple of Moradin charges fees to heal non-fatal wounds and he can’t afford those fees. The group agrees to help around the farm in exchange for his appointment with the queen. He agrees and sends them with his daughter, Ellipsis. The group then meets Queen Qay’leen and her hideous blob-headed goblin handmaiden. Because Kaylin is the DM’s girlfriend, the players are expecting the magnificent Queen Qay’leen to be played by her. Instead, Kaylin introduces herself as the queen’s handmaiden, Phart the goblin. Qay’leen reveals that she has seen a vision of the Assblasters coming to her and that she will give them the key, but because they cut in line, she demands that they fulfill their promise to Comma first. Bradperson uses Detect Magic and sees that the queen’s crown is enchanted and is letting her read their minds. Phart accompanies them back to the ranch to ensure that they keep their vow. The group heads back to the farm and rests for the night. In the morning, they begin helping around the farm. The Yeti attack had apparently broken the fences and freed many animals, including all of Comma’s sheep. Vaerog uses his Tricker’s Quill to change his “Sleep” spell into a “Sheep” spell. When he casts it, 5 sheep appear before the spell stops working. After it has been cast, he notices all of the sheep have been branded with the phrase “Property of Leomund.”


S2 Episode 73 – Come at Me, Shrimp Man!

Posted on November 3, 2018

We’re joined once more by guests, Kaylin and Christina. The Assblasters divide up the menial tasks to help out Comma’s ranch. Vaerog uses his Mending cantrip to mend the fences around the farm. Hooup and Lil Justice try to track down some missing jackalopes. They track them to a nearby lake, where Lil Justice attempts to use his Speak to Animals ability to reason with them while Winston and Martha cut off their escape routes. They manage to wrangle half of the jackalopes, but the others escape and are eaten by ogres in the forest. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to help renew the ranch’s lease by negotiating with the bank. He puts on the set of nobles’ clothing that he stole from Pabarel Darkstone’s house and disguises himself as “A.A.Z.H.O.R.” (the Aristocratic Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot) heads to the bank. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds the head banker, a 3 foot tall tiefling named Skrrrap. After some failed attempts at persuasion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses the Suggestion spell to make Skrrrap agree to give them another year to pay back their lease. He attempts to find out where Skrrrap personally keeps his money, but seems to decide against robbing the banker when he discovers that the money is in the bank and is guarded by paladins from the nearby temple of Moradin. Then, L.A.Z.H.O.R. leaves and destroys the door by walking straight through it on his way out. As that is happening, Forg and Bradperson attempt to track down 3 golden-egg laying geese. Bradperson flies above the forest and spots an ogre carrying two geese. When he and Forg approach, they see that the third goose is beind held alive in the ogre’s mouth. The ogre grunts something at them, but they don’t understand it. The ogre then begins squeezing the geese’s necks, so Forg and Bradperson kill the ogre by cutting off its hands and head to free the geese. Finally, Phart and Vaerog sgo with Ellipsis and set up a tent in the market to sell meat and wool at the annual market fair. Vaerog mostly ignores the task and focuses on getting books from another tent. He uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Counterspell” into “Countersell” in order to buy, sell, and re-buy a book about dragon anatomy while somehow making a profit off of his purchase. Phart does some shouting to attract customers and makes a few sales before finding out that a poor goblin child stole some of their meat. Vaerog chases the child down. The child rolls a critical fail and trips, so Vaerog catches him and holds him upside down until all of the meat and wool falls out of his pockets. He says that he is an orphan and is starving, so Vaerog takes back the wool, but lets him keep the meat. An hour later, a group of beggar children come over, saying that they heard the tent was giving away free meat. Ellipsis has fallen asleep and Vaerog is indifferently reading in the back of the tent, so Phart decides to give away the rest of the meat. Then, they all meet back at the ranch and try to do the last task. Comma has informed them that the bull needs help breeding. Apparently, the bull only gets “in the mood” is witnessing platonic male bonding. The group talks about their day, sings together, and then attempts to collectively pee in Vaerog’s Bowl of Commanding Water Elementals. Seeing that the cow is still unimpressed, Vaerog admits that he is thankful that the others saved him from Hell and that he has grown fond of them all. L.A.Z.H.O.R. points out that they’ve all already done more than they needed to for the farm and that they’ve all shared this bizarre yet pointless experience. Aati suggests that they’re really just trying to arouse this bull because they enjoy each other’s company. With that, the bull is fully erect and it heads into the barn to mate with a rental cow.


S2 Episode 74 – Senpai in the Front, Hentai in the Back

Posted on November 14, 2018

The Assblasters go into Comma’s house to tell him that all of the work has been completed. He invites them to stay the night and they all go to bed. In the middle of the night, they are awoken by a loud knocking at the door. They see a monstrous figure at the door covered in Yeti fur. The figure opens the door and throws down the Yeti furs to reveal that it is a half-orc named DeathDeath Murderkill. Mr. Murderkill identifies himself as the bounty hunter who was hired to kill the Yeti. He revealed that he had also killed the Yeti’s two babies, saying that it was the humanitarian thing to do rather than let them starve or grow up to become dangerous to people. Hooup seems disturbed by this, but doesn’t fight it. Deathdeath collects his payment and says that he will be taking the Yeti furs to keep him warm while he hunts a golden dragon up north. Vaerog expresses interest in accompanying him to find this dragon, but then the banker, Skrrrap, shows up to complain that he suspects that L.A.Z.H.O.R. cast a spell on him and he intends to take legal action to rescind his decision to extend the lease. After some argument, L.A.Z.H.O.R. simply casts the Suggestion spell on him again to make him go away. Without Skrrrap’s drama, Deathdeath Murderkill becomes bored and decides to leave as well. He insults Ellipsis on his way out and Comma remarks that people like him always “get what’s comin’ to ‘em.” The group returns to bed as Vezharax asks Lil Justice to speak to him privately outside. They stand on the porch, protected from the rain, where Vezharax apologizes to Lil Justice for having killed orcs in his past. Vezharax says that these were gray-skinned orcs who were likely unrelated to the blue-skinned Lil Justice. Vezharax explains that he was honor-bound to fulfill his promise to avenge his clan. Apparently, in the religion of Bahamut, there is a legend that the dragonborn asked the dragon God to “do [them] a solid.” Instead, Bahamut did them three solids. He promised that they would have his protection & guidance in this world, that all their questions would be answered upon their death, and that their spirits would live with him in his halls for all eternity; however, whenever a dragonborn breaks a promise, one of those three things is denied to that dragonborn. Vezharax says that he vowed never to kill again after avenging his clan members. In light of his apology, Lil Justice forgives him and promises to talk down any orc ever who tries to harm Vezharax. When Lil Justice goes to sleep, he has a dream of a past event where he was next to an orcish chieftain with a familiar voice. The man says that they have finally found some treasure and the two walk into a building. As he enters, the scene changes and he needs to dodge an enormous cheese wheel. Then, he finds himself in an ancient temple with something on an altar. As he approaches the altar, he is spooked by the ghost of the man he killed (Captain Sassafras). The nightmare wakes him and he goes to sharpen his axe. In the morning, they find a note left for them by Ellipsis asking them to teach her how to be an adventurer. The note mentions that her father doesn’t want her learning to fight, so they would need to keep it secret. She says that she will be waiting for them in the barn. The group takes a vote on whether it’s a good idea to go against Comma’s wishes and teach the child to fight. Vaerog, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Vezharax, Bradperson vote against teaching her. With Aati casting a tie-breaking vote, they decide to compromise. Rather than teach her to fight, Hooup goes to the barn and teaches her the basics of the Sanctuary spell. He advises her that running and hiding are always the safest options. L.A.Z.H.O.R. confuses the advice by suggesting that sometimes it is appropriate to “violently attacking” anyone who seems threatening, but Hooup tells her to ignore him. She promises to follow Hooup’s advice and the Assblasters head toward the temple. Aati pulls the men aside and says that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to enter the temple, because he’s a wanted fugitive after the arena explosion in Elmoor. He doesn’t want to say this in front of Phart, because she is working for Queen Qay’leen and he thinks she is a “narc”. Apparently, it is canon that there is a mythological creature called a Narc, which is a ratlike creature has wings that look like those of the golden snitch from the Harry Potter universe. Apparently this golden rat/snitch creature is prone to finding out people’s secrets and then repeating them. After rolling a 20 on persuasion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. manages to convince him to enter the temple in disguise. Vaerog uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Disguise Self” to “Disguise: Self”. This allows Vaerog to disguise Aati by making him look exactly like Vaerog. The group enters the temple and Phart uses her key to open the entrance to the Crypts beneath the altar. They quickly discover that the entrance has been caved in around an unfortunate man who appears to have attempted to enter the temple without the key, triggering some kind of trap. Aati and Vezharax recognize the purple robes emblazoned with a silver horn and identify it as belonging to the Sons of the Scourge. With the front entrance caved in, Brother Gossan advises them to go up the mountain and use the back entrance. The group heads for the base of the mountain and prepares to climb.


S2 Episode 75 – MC THICC BOI

Posted on November 28, 2018

Frankie wasn’t able to make it for this session, so the group treats Hooup as an NPC. As they stand at the base of the mountain, Crate realizes that the chariot isn’t going to make it up, so she returns to Comma’s farm with Winston, Martha, and Forg’s frog buddies. Vezharax returns L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s copy of the tome containing the script to Snow Dogs. Aati says that his favorite character was Demon and Vezharax says that his favorite was Thunderjack. As the group climbs the mountain, they get into an argument about their favorite characters, which eventually leads into an argument about Illum. Vezharax states that he thinks that Illum is literal monster (possibly a changeling), because he has never heard of an Aasimar without wings and that Illum’s lack of knowledge of human society and his willingness to kill were suspicious. As the Assblasters reach the peak of the mountain, the argument also reaches its peak. Aati argues that Illum couldn’t have possibly destroyed the arena, because it was done with shadow energy and the only ones with shadow energy were Nemestraehi and himself. Aati says that his shadow powers don’t count, because they were the result of Nemestraehi’s poison. Vezharax calls this into question by asking if Aati has ever heard of a poison granting powers to its victim. Vezharax then tells Aati that the zombies only started appearing in Tarnstead right after Aati left it. In the midst of this revelation, the group realizes that they aren’t alone on the mountain. They are approached by a bizarre man holding a kite with a key on the string. In response to a joke by Kaylin, Joe the DM decides that the man looks like Benjamin Franklin. The kite-flying stranger introduces himself as Magister Grelkin, who Vaerog had previously read about in one of his books. Grelkin invites them inside his home on the mountain and serves them tea. He tells them that the Crypts are full of secrets that the Dwarves are trying to bury; primarily machines from the war against the elves. After warning them of the mage-slaying prototypes, Vaerog persuades Grelkin to teach him the Lightning Bolt spell in exchange for being turned to gas. The players roll canon dice to decide that magical spells incantations often use an ancient language to ask for the opposite of the thing that the spell grants. Grelkin then floats away in the hopes of observing lightning up close in his temporary gaseous form. L.A.Z.H.O.R. briefly considers burning down Grelkin’s house so that they can move on to the Crypts sooner. As they are exiting the house, he leaves it up to chance whether his lit match burns the house down, but the rain on the mountain extinguishes the flame before anything can be burnt. As the group approaches the mountaintop entrance to the Crypts, they see ancient ruins to a dragon god on a nearby mountain peak (the ruins of Kinet). Then, they finally get to the entrance to the Crypts, a giant stone door with a metal orb in the center. The orb speaks to them and asks them to put their most prized possession in a nearby well. Phart quickly lowers the stakes by telling everyone that they will get their prized possessions back and this is just a test of character. In light of this, Lil Justice drops in his grandfather’s heirloom axe, Forg throws in the barrel of beer that he got from Harlow, Phart throws in her hammer, Bradperson throws in his coin purse full of 420 gold, and Vaerog throws in his Bowl of Commanding Water Elementals. After fighting it and being persuaded, L.A.Z.H.O.R. finally throws in his hat under the promise that he would receive a larger version of his hat as a reward. It’s not mentioned out loud, but it is assumed that Aati and Vezharax throw their most prized possessions in the well also. Those would be Aati’s hammer and a bag of old letters, respectively. With this, the doors finally open. The Assblasters head down the stairs and are able to retrieve their possessions. Vaerog quietly casts Minor Illusion to make L.A.Z.H.O.R. think that his hat has grown larger. The metal ball rolls past them and unfolds its bottom half into a set of six legs. It introduces itself as Mechanical Construct TH1CC, model B0I. It says that they can call it MC Thicc Boi for the sake of efficiency. Then, they head into a room with 5 glowing green spots on the ground. MC Thicc Boi asks them to recite a password, but Phart wasn’t told that there would be a password. The group makes three guesses, but all of them are wrong. In response, MC Thicc Boi says that it is going to vaporize them all. The metal orb begins shooting poisonous vapor at them and says that the only thing that will allow them to proceed is a “sign from the heavens.” When they try attacking MC Thicc Boi, the metal orb is just sent rolling away and takes no damage. Lil Justice accidentally knocks the orb into Vezharax’s legs, knocking him over. After knocking the ball around, they realize that the green spots light up when MC Thicc Boi is knocked through them, but they unlight if he goes through two of them that are right next to each other. After some experimenting, Dax realizes that the “sign from the heavens” means they need to make the shape of a star. The group members all reposition and they knock MC Thicc Boi back and forth between themselves in the shape of a star. Upon going through the fifth green spot, the doors finally open and the are allowed to pass. MC Thicc Boi remains convinced that they are intruders who were lucky enough to figure out the puzzle’s solution, so it leads them out of the room. The metal orb is now out of poison spray and is unable to attack; however, it still remains determined to find a way to destroy them.


S2 Episode 76 – Hold on There, Dr. Science

Posted on December 12, 2018

Joe reveals some new character art for Vezharax, Bradperson, and Phart. Back in the game, MC Thicc Boi leads the group through the halls of the Crypts of Khelukkhaz. He runs ahead and jumps over an obviously trapped tile and encourages the group to walk on it. The group all easily jumps over the tile before Bradperson summons a warhammer to attack the trapped tile. His attack causes a spiked platform to swing out from the wall. It hits Aati’s arm, causing his shadow tentacles to tear the trap out of the wall. Aati insists that he didn’t command the tentacles to do that and Vezharax notes that they seem to be acting based on his impulses. The group proceeds to a entry way into an enormous room with a 200 foot tall statue of a cloaked smiling woman holding a set of scales with stone platforms on each scale. On the other side of the room, there is a  The group encourages Vezharax to step onto the closer scale, causing it to drop 60 feet and raise the opposite platform, as two suits of animated armor are dropped from a chute onto the scale next to Vezharax. It becomes a running joke that a pen is used to represent the bridge between the two platforms. The group rolls canon dice to determine that the bridge in the game actually looks like an enormous pen. After successfully beating the animated suits of armor, two more drop down and are eventually defeated amidst the balancing act. The members land on opposite sides of the scales and attempt to balance them until Niccolo has the idea to use the Immovable Rod to hold the scales in place. The plan is successful and the group is able to get past the scales. Hooup uses his dash ability to run back and retrieve the Immovable Rod before the scales can unbalance themselves. Then, MC Thicc Boi reveals a secret lever that allows him to balance the scales so that he can catch up to the crew and lead them further into the Crypts.


S2 Episode 77 – It’s All Ogre Now

Posted on December 25, 2018

Frankie rejoins the group this week. Joe asks him what Hooup would have thrown in the well to gain access to the Crypts. Frankie decides that Hooup’s most precious possession would be his bindle with his food, because he doesn’t really believe in any possessions besides food and necessities. The group takes a short rest and then heads to a room at the bottom of the Crypts, where they see the feet of the enormous statue that was holding the scales that they balanced on in the previous episode. Between the feet of the statue, there is an altar with more silver artifact pieces. In the center of the room, they encounter a series of pits surrounding an automaton that looks suspiciously like what L.A.Z.H.O.R. would look like if his metal parts covered his whole body. MC Thicc Boi says that this is a Gnomish design and it is called “the Mage Slayer.” MC Thicc Boi then encourages the Assblasters to cast a spell in front of it. Bradperson flies over the Mage Slayer and examines the artifact pieces when the rest of the group is approached from behind by the Ghost-Faced Killer and two ogre zombies. The Ghost-Faced Killer taunts them by telling them that his devil “friend”, Raekwon, is destroying the city of Khelukkhaz up above. L.A.Z.H.O.R. successfully rolls a bluff check to get the Ghost-Faced Killer to reveal how much he knows about the horn. The Ghost-Faced Killer says that the artifact pieces are allegedly part of a horn that can summon and bind a god. Upon hearing this, Aati becomes furious. Based on the fact that the Sons of the Scourge have been destroying temples of Moradin, he pieces together that they might be trying to bind and/or even destroy Moradin. He rushes the Ghost-Faced Killer, who responds by using a black fire attack to knock him into one of the pits in the room. Vezharax tries to keep Aati from falling, but they are both pulled into the pit. Vezharax calls out from the pit that Aati shielded Vezharax’s fall, but that Aati is unconscious. Aati then apparently stands up and shadow tentacles emerge, flailing wildly from every part of the pit and attacking Vezharax. The Ghost-Faced Killer mockingly tells L.A.Z.H.O.R. for appearing not to know why he does what he does, but seeming compelled to do it regardless. Then, Lil Justice attacks him and he commands his ogre zombies to attack. The players then decide to roll canon dice to determine that all ogres look, sound, smell, and taste(?) like Shrek. Avi calls in his little sister and she rolls a natural 20, so it becomes canon. In response to the Ghost-Faced Killer casting his spell attack on Aati, the Mage Slayer activates and teleports to the Ghost-Faced Killer before turning to attack everyone else in the room. A heated battle ensues as they fight the Ghost-Faced Killer and the ogres while the Mage Slayer teleports and attacks anyone who casts a magic spell. Bradperson flies above the Mage Slayer and examines it. He is able to conclude that the Mage Slayer absorbs magical energy from spells cast in its presence and this energy powers it, but that it is unable to absorb the energy and resist it at the same time, so it is actually vulnerable to magic. Forg destroys one ogre zombie with his swords and Vaerog destroys the other with a lightning bolt, causing them to explode and do damage to Forg, Lil Justice, and the Ghost-Faced Killer. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. punches the Ghost-Faced Killer in his face, causing the image of a blond man’s face to appear for a second, before returning to the image of the ghostly face. The Ghost-Faced Killer then decides to retreat and escapes, while leaving the group to fight the Mage Slayer. Phart rushes to the pit and drops a rope to pull out Vezharax. The Mage Slayer then stretches out a ghostly white chain between it and MC Thicc Boi and it begins using MC Thicc Boi as a wrecking ball. Realizing that the Mage Slayer will retaliate if they cast magic, they attempt to overload it by casting all of their spells simultaneously. Vaerog, Bradperson, L.A.Z.H.O.R., and Vezharx cast their strongest spells at the same time and find out that their spells do double damage. The Mage Slayer is severely damaged, but attempts a retaliation before Bradperson counters with his Hellish Rebuke and blasts it through the altar. Forg then kicks MC Thicc Boi into the nearby pit, hoping to be rid of it forever. The Mage Slayer is broken and half, but still attempts to crawl toward them until L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees its aura leaking out and uses his arm cannon to suck in its reiki. With that, he absorbs its power and gains the ability to turn his arm into ghostly white chains. When he attempts to use it, the chain shoots into the pit, pulling MC Thicc Boi out. L.A.Z.H.O.R. realizes that he has the ability to use MC Thicc Boi as a wrecking ball now. Vezharax uses a Healing Word spell to reawaken Aati, causing the tentacles to disappear as they help him out of the pit. They take the silver artifact pieces off of the altar and feel power flowing through them as the group all levels up to Level 8. The group then heads toward the exit, only to find that it is actually the caved-in entrance beneath the temple of Moradin that they had previously tried to enter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his new ability to smash MC Thicc Boi through the rubble and clear the entrance. Forg then punts MC Thicc Boi through the entrance into the temple above as they finally return above ground.


S2 Episode 78 – Bringin’ Out the Night Shrimp

Posted on January 8, 2019

The Assblasters exit the Crypts and find themselves in Khelukkhaz’s temple of Moradin, which is now full of the corpses of murdered clergy and a few dead Sons of the Scourge who died in the battle. At the front door, there is a guard in platemail who is pointing a bow and arrow at a white dragonborn cultist who is holding Brother Gossan hostage. The white dragonborn is wearing the purple robes of the Sons of the Scourge and she tells Brother Gossan that he should, “Tell your false god that Malexxis is coming.” Then, she uses her ice breath on Brother Gossan’s face, blinding him and severely damaging his face. The guard shoots an arrow through her throat, killing her instantly. Vezharax quickly tries to heal Brother Gossan as the guard rushes over to Phart. Phart recognizes the guard as Señor Stanko. He says that he is glad she is safe and tells her that Queen Qay’leen wants to speak with her soon. They head outside to see that the magical barrier is no longer keeping the rain out of the city. Miles in the distance, they can see a large bat-like devil creature having a battle with Queen Qay’leen before she impales it with an enormous pillar of ice. After that, the sounds of battle begin to quiet and the remaining Sons of the Scourge begin to retreat. The Assblasters are told that the guards will handle the remaining zombies, so they head to the Sans ranch to get Crate and their chariot. When they arrive, they find that Comma has been knocked unconscious and Crate is trying to wake him. Hooup heals him and he frantically tells them that an ogre zombie had attacked the ranch. It ignored the animals and tried to kill him, but Ellipsis used herself as bait to lure it away. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. both cast the Guidance spell to assist. Bradperson flies up high and spots a trail of shadow energy leading into the forest. He follows the trail and the others pursue closely behind. They quickly find Ellipsis trapped inside a hollow log. In an attempt to get her out of the log, the ogre zombie has impaled itself on a branch and collapsed part of the log on her legs. The zombie is badly wounded and looks like it could explode at any moment. After rolling for initiative, Hooup runs in to heal Ellipsis and to try to get between her and the ogre. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then uses the wall-generating ability that he stole from the minotaur in order to break the branch that is impaling the ogre. L.A.Z.H.O.R. forms one barrier between the ogre and the log and then one between the ogre and Hooup. Then, Bradperson casts Banishment to temporarily send the ogre to a pocket dimension. With the immediate threat handled, Vaerog lets Lil Justice break open the log to free Ellipsis. Hooup carries her to safety and they all stand 300 yards away. When the ogre reappears, L.A.Z.H.O.R. snipes it out with a lazer beam as they watch the explosion from a safe distance. Upon returning Ellipsis to her father, he offers them all one gold piece each as a reward. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Bradperson take the gold, but the rest refuse it. Lil Justice takes a knife from his afro and gives it to Comma, saying that it will be Comma’s decision whether to give it to Ellipsis when she is old enough or to keep it for himself. Then, Phart sees that it is no longer raining over the city, which means that Qay’leen has returned. Phart says farewell to the Assblasters as Forg advises her never to spell “icup.” Part returns to Lady Qay’leen and tells her of her adventures. Phart says that she believes the Dwarves are up to something, because they were hiding weapons and a Mage Slayer prototype in the Crypts beneath the temple. She requests an expeditionary force so that she can investigate both the Dwarves and the Sons of the Scourge. Qay’leen tell her she can pick whichever soldiers she wants for the mission and wishes her luck, but asks her to say goodbye to her parents, Lady Flatula and Mr. Toots. Meanwhile, the Assblasters decide to investigate the temple of Del’Tassi next. As they leave the Stormlands, they come upon the Field of Blades, which was the site of a famous battle between the Dwarves and the Elves. This was apparently the farthest north that the Elves ever marched before they were ambushed and slaughtered. The Dwarves left the Elven swords on the ground where they were dropped as a symbol of their defeat. That night, as the group makes camp, Forg hears a familiar bird call, which he recognizes as one native to his home continent. He follows the call and it leads him to the Field of Blades, in which 4 cloaked men now stand. They greet him and say, “Hello, Queensblade. We are from your homeland. It’s good to see you…”

S2 Episode 79 – Drink Some Beer and Lead a Rebellion

Posted on January 22, 2019

Forg follows the familiar bird call to find four cloaked figures standing in the field of blades. They reveal themselves to be men from his hometown: Ranndi of S’vaj, a famous executioner called “The TakeUnderer”, Veenz of House Makmaen, and his former squire Toady. They say that there were rumors that he had escaped the invasion of the Bandirian empire by disguising himself as a frog man. They had heard stories of a frog man who defeated a devil lord (D’Jay’Kaled), so they decided to track down this frog man and they eventually made their way to Forg. They ask him to come home and lead a rebellion, saying that the emperor has been poisoned and is on his deathbed while his court sorcerer is away, looking for a cure. Veenz challenges Forg to a fight, demanding that Forg prove that he is still worthy to lead the rebellion in his current form. Avi rolls canon dice to attempt to make it so that he will become the DM if Forg wins the fight, but Avi rolls a 2, so he doesn’t become the DM. Veenz claims to have studied all of Forg’s sword techniques. He counters Forg’s sword slashes and manages to avoid most of the damage from them. Realizing that his swords are ineffective, Forg decides to rely on techniques that he learned after leaving his homeland. Forg begins using wrestling moves on Veenz, who is completely caught off guard and quickly defeated. After Veenz admits defeat, Toady rewards Forg by returning his old breastplate to him: a chrome breastplate which features the symbol of the Queensblade (a sword with a crown for a hilt). Forg then returns to the Assblasters to tell them that he must leave. He reveals that he was not always a frog-man, but that he was transformed into one in order to better hide from the Empire. Avi also decides that the other continent apparently communicates via messenger penguins and the “Head Gondolier penguin” is named Jeeves. Meanwhile, MC Thicc Boi had been attempting to slowly bury Lil Justice in his sleep. With that plan foiled by Lil Justice being awoken, MC Thicc Boi reveals that it has a “going away present” for Forg. As Forg kicks it into the woods, it commands orcs to destroy the Assblasters. A group of half-orcs then steps out of the woods. It turns out that one of them is Lil Justice’s old friend, Nevlan Bloodfoot, and they intend to party with the Assblasters. MC Thicc Boi had apparently been confused by Nevlan’s use of the phrase “getting destroyed” in reference to alcohol consumption. After a long night of partying, Forg heads to the ship that was prepared for them. Despite Veenz’s attempt to kill Forg, Forg feels that Veenz has learned his lesson and his power is needed for the rebellion, so Forg agrees to take Veenz on the boat back to their homeland along with the other citizens of the Western Continent. Forg then dabs one final time and wishes the assblasters farewell as he sails away toward the rising sun.


S2 Episode 80 – Super Barrio Bros.

Posted on February 6, 2019

The group wakes up after a night of partying as Nevlan and his orc companions are making a camp fire. He throws some devil horn powder into the fire and breathes it in along with his companions. Crate tries playing fetch with Martha and Winston, but Martha is too lazy to chase the stick. Winston sees this and determines that fetch must not be a thing that dogs do. In his quest to become more of a dog, he lays down and tries to ignore the stick. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Hooup, and Bradperson all join Nevlan in breathing the devil horn. Nevlan says that he’s going to a city called Gashak to hunt a werewolf. A vampire named Badaro is in charge and hired Nevlan to hunt it. Nevlan says that Gashak is a city full of monsters. After that, Nevlan and his buddies become too high to continue the conversation, so the Assblasters get in their chariot and head to Del’Tassi. On the road, they hear a bard singing in the distance. The bard sings a song about a man being healed by an elf who he was soon to wed. When it gets to the chorus, it becomes apparent that the song is about Lil Justice. The Assblasters go to the source of the song and find another group of adventurers under a pavilion surrounded by deep puddles. There is a gray-skinned orc who is playing the song with his lute. He stops and introduces himself as Barrio. Lil Justice identifies himself as the subject of Barrio’s song, causing Barrio to get excited and introduce his whole group. Barrio’s companions include: Zeri, a blonde female wood elf; Ifania, a Purple Tiefling woman with spiral horns; Flamez, a very religious fire Genasi with flaming hair; and Dribble, their grumbling male Gnome enforcer. As Hooup investigates the deep puddles, a goblin pops out of the puddle and introduces herself as Jizz. She says she is a strong swimmer and has been swimming between the puddles, which are interconnected underground. MC Thicc Boi becomes excited about the possibility that Barrio’s group will kill the Assblasters. Barrio insists that they are friendly and invites the Assblasters to share a meal. MC Thicc Boi becomes worried that he has become a good luck charm and that he has led them to a life of nothing but parties and joy. He begins to sob uncontrollably as the Assblasters have a nice meal and conversation with Barrio’s group. Jizz keeps asking if anyone wants to help him with the dragon in his hometown. Barrio says that they are a group of travelers who are on their way to Fuluz’Mora to meet up with their benefactor. They are trying to help and feed anyone in need on their way. They offer some gold and wine to the Assblasters. Barrio plays some music for them as they eat, while Zeri and Ifanya dance together. Aati comments that he and Illum were close friends like the two young women. Then, the women kiss and Aati awkwardly explains that they weren’t quite that close. When Lil Justice goes to get it, he sees that their sacks also contain the purple robes of the Sons of the Scourge. Lil Justice has the horrifying realization that they have been eating alongside cultists. He asks Barrio to explain. Barrio says that the robes were gifts from their benefactor; a man named Tristan. He asks them to sit down as he tells them a tale.


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