Here we have full episode summaries. Maybe you want to jump into current content without listening to 100+ hours of podcast. Maybe you want to read the story to decide if it’s something you’d be interested in listening to. Maybe you’re trying to find a specific joke or scene that you liked and need to look at summaries to figure out which episode it happened. Maybe you don’t enjoy listening to battles and just want to hear the RP sections. Or maybe you just like reading. I don’t know. If you feel like reading them for whatever reason, then they’re here for you. Spoilers below (obviously).

 

Season 2 Complete Summary (so far)

Joe the dungeon master narrates the quest as Forg, the frog man fighter (played by Avi), L.A.Z.H.O.R. the goliath cyborg warlock (played by Andy), Harlow Mountainbrew the dwarven barbarian (played by Charlie), Harlow’s dog Martha, and Thediem the awakened mystic (played by Frankie) all meet in the city of Brinjal. They agree to complete a quest for Lord Durian, king of the birdfolk, in exchange for boons of their choosing and they bring Sapodia the birdwoman with them. Along the way, they are joined by Crate the blacksmith, Winston the size-changing Direcorgi, Lil Justice the half-orc barbarian (played by Dax), and Vaerog the elf wizard (played by Niccolo), as Thediem and Harlow are both trapped inside of Thediem’s mysterious puzzle box. Their quest leads them to Jose’Cuervos’lin where there have been a series of disappearances. They discover that performers in Jose’Cuervos’lin have been being taken by devils as sacrifices and Sapodia is taken as well. They go to Hell to rescue the sacrifices, but discover that this was all part of a plan to unleash a devil army under the command of the devil lord, D’Jay’Kaled. Returning to earth with the rescued victims, they are able to banish the army and D’Jay’Kaled himself with the help of an elven high priestess. Then, they burn the devil lord’s horn, causing its hallucinogenic effects to send a whole city on a day long acid trip. When they sober up, they are targeted by two assassins and they discover that the assassins were sent by Lord Durian himself, who is apparently trying to get out of paying them their boons. Upon returning to Brinjal, they attempt a coup against the Lord Durian, but they fail. They leave Sapodia behind and escape with their lives as Brinjal closes itself off from the outside world. They then begin investigating the explosion in Elmoor and seeking the culprits responsible for it. They are rejoined by their friend, Bradperson, the Aarakocra warlock (played by Max) and they find Aati. The group is currently seeking his companion, Illum.

Season 2: Episode 1 – We’re Going to Flavor Town!

Posted on February 22, 2017        

In the first episode of Season 2, we introduce our new cast. First, we see a frog-man Fighter named Forg (played by newcomer, Avi) as he enters an open air market outside of the mountain town of Brinjal, which is a town of Aarakocra (or birdfolk). Forg goes up to the contraption that functions as an elevator to the birdmen’s city, where he meets a cyborg goliath warlock with a lazer arm cannon named L.A.Z.O.R. (Played by Andy). L.A.Z.O.R. states that his name stands for “Lightly Armored Zapping Organic Robot”. A parrot man leads Forg and L.A.Z.O.R. to a nearby inn named the Tailfeather Tavern. Upon entering, they meet Vezherax the Dragonborn cleric and Hislen the gnomish bard. Hislen gives them all flowers and L.A.Z.O.R. eats his. Looking around the room, they see a female Aasimar trying to order food from a pigeon man at the bar as the pigeon man attempts to flirt with her; a Dwarven barbarian drinking at the bar; an Aarakocra bird girl devouring a bowl of porridge; and a sulking half-orc female paladin sitting at a table in the corner. Forg tries to order some ale from the bartender who gives him some fermented milk. After Forg expresses his disappointment, they are then greeted by the Dwarven barbarian, Harlow Mountainbrew (played by newcomer, Charlie) who was also sitting at the bar. Harlow shares some of his own personal brew from a barrel strapped to his back. Harlow keeps a mastiff named “Martha” at his side. Shortly after, 3 Aarakocra thugs (a cardinal man, a blue jay man, and a chicken man) all walk in. Their leader, the cardinal male, identifies himself as Kale, claiming that they are representatives of the king and demanding a toll, despite the fact that they aren’t wearing anything of the royal garb that the other representatives were wearing. Vezherax the Dragonborn offers to pay them in order to keep the peace, despite recognizing that they are lying. Runir the half-orc paladin threatens to fight them if they don’t leave. Maris the Aasimar says that she abhors violence and stands back against the wall. L.A.Z.O.R. begins counting down from 3. When he gets to two, Thediem (played by Frankie) enters the room carrying an ornate puzzle box. He sees the situation and ignores it as he takes a seat at the bar. Then, L.A.Z.OR. The players and the NPCs briefly brawl with the thugs before defeating them. After the fight, Hislen reappears and Vezherax heals the wounded cardinal man. While they are recuperating, the Aasimar, Maris, congratulates the players, but Forg notices her hand slipping into his coin pouch. Forg grabs her hand and she insists that she was killing a spider that had slipped into his pouch, but Thediem uses his powers to make her confess that she was attempting to rob him. Just as things get tense, the parrot man walks into the bar, seeing the room torn apart from the battle, and asks what the hell is going on.

 

S2 Episode 2 – You Wanna End this Campaign Right Now?

Posted on March 1, 2017

The group is led to a the king’s castle. The door is about 20 feet up, as it is designed for flying creatures, so they need to have a ladder lowered to them in order to get up to it. L.A.Z.O.R. decides to try to jump up to the balcony. Rolling a natural 20, he easily makes the jump. A seagull man lower a ladder for the others, who all climb up. After raising the ladder, they hear a meek voice asking them to lower it back down. They lower the ladder for her and she climbs up, seemingly unable to fly. As she climbs, the one who lowered the ladder asks the parrot man “Do you really think she killed him?” The group goes past to a see a series of statues of past heroes who have completed quests for the king, such as Turris, who L.A.Z.O.R. mistakenly identifies as “Trucknuts.” They enter into the king’s court. Upon entering the courtroom, they see a raven man guarding the door and a dodo man with one eye sewn shut. The dodo man appears to be a jester and is singing cryptic songs about there being blades in the grass and a snake in the blades, a key with no door, fire raining from the sky, pets in the lake, and other cryptic things. The king, a peacock man named Durian, comes out with his daughter, a peahen girl named Princess Galia. They sit on a raised platform looking down on the players. Lord Durian offers 4 different potential quests to our heroes. The first involves solving mysterious disappearances in the town of Cuervas’lin. The second involves delivering a message to the mayor of Binglederry, Higgle McGigglestein. The third quest involves investigating the explosion in the city of Elmoor and bringing back the culprits. The fourth quest involves going to the town of Turrenshire and slaying a dragon, which is allegedly causing the town to be on the brink of a civil war. Joe the DM informs the group that they will have the option of bringing one of the NPCs with them to aid them in their quest. Their options are: Maris, the Aasimar rogue who tries to steal from Forg; Runir, the half-orc paladin who helped them fight the thugs; Hislen, the gnomish bard who was unusually forgettable; Vezherax, the dragonborn cleric with a jewel in his throat; and Sapodia, the flightless, classless sparrow Aarakocra who was accused of murder. Out of character, the group takes a ranked-choice vote and decides on Sapodia. She then offers to come with them and they agree to go to Cuervas’lin. Andy rolls canon dice to change its name to “JoseCuervos’lin” and succeeded. Thediem formally introduces himself to the group and offers to come with them. He uses his powers to speak to Sapodia telepathically and ask if she would ever murder someone. She is frightened by the sudden invasion into her mind, but insists that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone. The group is given a map and heads out toward JoseCuervos’lin

 

S2 Episode 3 – …With Passion!

Posted on March 8, 2017  

Having decided that they would be going to JoseCuervos’lin with Sapodia, the group heads out. As the group leaves, they hear a loud sound and see the puzzle box that Thediem had been carrying. They look around to realize that Thediem has completely disappeared. L.A.Z.O.R. believes that Thediem must have gone to the bathroom and suggests that they wait for him while Harlow kicks the puzzle box. He hears a hissing voice in the back of his head that says, “Do… not… kick!” In light of the mysterious voice, he decides to leave the puzzle box alone for now and they take it with them, figuring that Thediem must somehow be inside and will probably come out at some point. As they get to the door, they hear the parrot man referring to them as a bunch of freaks and saying that he’d rather deal with the “vultures” than them. He looks back in embarrassment to realize that they have overheard and has the ladder lowered so they can leave. As they head to the elevator contraption to exit the city, they see the three thugs from the tavern all being taken in chains toward the castle. The cardinal man, Kale, tells Sapodia that they’re heading to the Clipping Grounds and that he’ll see say hello to her sister when he gets there. They get to the elevator and need to wait for it to get there. They see Maris, the Aasimar, and Hislen, the gnome, who say that they’re heading off to Binglederry and that the place is allegedly made of candy. Vezherax, the dragonborn, says that he is heading to Elmoor, since he already knows who destroyed the arena. Runir, the half-orc, says that she is going to Turrenshire. The player party goes down the elevator and heads toward JoseCuervos’lin. As the move down the mountain path, they meet a dwarven girl with a wagon and a pony on the side of the road. She warns them that the entire path is taken up by a huge turtle snake. Andy does a nature roll on turtle snakes to see what L.A.Z.O.R. knows about them, but rolls very poorly, so he becomes convinced that “turtle snake” is what the locals call Rabbit-squirrels and that they are about to encounter a small, fuzzy woodland creature. The group turns the corner and encounters a gigantic turtle the size of a chariot with the head of an anaconda and they begin attacking it. Harlow and L.A.Z.O.R. both immediately roll critical hits on it, causing it to retreat into its shell. Harlow and Forg see that the shell will be much harder to damage, so they hold their attacks to wait until the head reappears. Harlow climbs on its spiky shell so he can play whack-a-mole with the head when it comes out, but L.A.Z.O.R. decides to fire an eldritch blast out of his arm cannon at the shell. The blast is deflected off the shell, causing the beast to shake Harlow off, but he manages to land on his feet. When the head reappears, it manages to land a bite on Harlow, but shortly after, the group manages to cut its head clean off. The dwarven girl pulls her wagon up to them and thanks them for slaying the beast. She takes off her coat to introduce herself and says that her name is Crate. Once she is no longer bundled up, it is clear that she only has one arm. Crate claims to be a smith and offers to smith something for them using the beast’s tough, spiked shell. She says that the elves refer to turtle snakes as “tuto’rayal” and congratulates them for defeating the tuto’rayal. Sapodia feels embarrassed that she couldn’t be more helpful, so she asks the group what kind of skill she could learn to help them. In light of Harlow’s bite wound, they decide that they could use a proper healer. Sapodia agrees and vows to become a cleric for them. The group heads off toward their destination with Crate joining them.

S2 Episode 4 – Super Racist for No Reason

Posted on March 15, 2017

As the group exits the mountains, they come upon an enormous white wall known as Leannin’s Wall. Some of the members remember that it was built by one of the three Elven leaders (known as “Triads”) during the war between the dwarves and elves that lasted 300 years and ended about 100 years ago. The wall marks the end of the Elven lands. L.A.Z.O.R. rolls a low history check and becomes convinced that the wall is part of a very large house. The group then comes across an old gateway that has become a refugee camp known as the Wallflower Campgrounds. There is a hole in the wall here, but it is closed up for the night, as they say that powerful beasts roam the inside of the walls during the night. Harlow goes over to a well to sensually wash the snake blood off of his body, causing a scene and scaring a few of the residents. Crate says that she’ll set up a makeshift smithy and start crafting a breastplate for Forg using the snake turtle’s shell as well as a spiked stein for Harlow. Sapodia says that she will find the local healer to teach her about healing. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.O.R. grabs a random person and demands information about JoseCuervos’Lin, but the person doesn’t know much. They browse the goods at the market and L.A.Z.O.R. grabs another random villager and asks him for information, but it ends up being the same person he grabbed earlier. He refers to the man as “smallfolk” and the man asks, “How did you know my name?” The man introduces himself as “Smolfok” and says that he still doesn’t know anything about JoseCuervos’Lin. L.A.Z.O.R. lets him go as Forg and Harlow decide to get themselves a drink. They find a nice tent that serves ale and get hammered as Forg sings his best drinking songs for Harlow. While the two are bonding, L.A.Z.O.R. finds some sleeping tents for rent. He grabs the owner by the shoulders, demanding to know the price and realizes that he has once again grabbed Smolfok, who offers him the 4 tents for 1 gold each. At the end of the night, Harlow and Forg pass out at the drinking tent and L.A.Z.O.R. falls asleep in a sleeping tent that is half his size, with his legs clearly sticking out of the end. The next morning, they all wake up to see that the boards have been taken down from the hole in the wall and that there are a few men pulling dead bodies from out of the wall.

 

S2 Episode 5 – The Southerners

Posted on March 22, 2017

After waking up in the tents of the Wallflower Campgrounds, L.A.Z.O.R. awakens the remaining members who were still sleeping. Then, the puzzle box that he was carrying appears on the ground before him and Thediem reappears from out of the box. The group is glad to see him, except for Sapodia, who wasn’t fond of him telepathically invading her mind. When asked what the herbalist taught her, Sapodia hands out some potions that she made to everyone in the group. She says that she learned some herbalistic remedies as well as a bit about something called “reiki”. Crate walks over and presents Forg with the breastplate that she forged for him out of the turtle snake’s shell. She then shoves the stein that she made into Harlow’s hands. Crate asks where the group is going. They say that they’re heading to JoseCuervos’lin and she claims that she is heading that way, too. Thediem detects that she is lying, but that she actually just wants to come with them. He decides to keep that information to himself and the group agrees to let her come along as long a she keeps smithing things for them, which she agrees to do. The  group heads over to the wall and inspects the corpses that were pulled out of the wall. L.A.Z.O.R. believes that they died of natural causes, but the others all see the very obvious stab wounds covering their bodies. L.A.Z.O.R. demands entrance and the veteran doesn’t seem keen to let them pass. L.A.Z.O.R. begins counting down and charging his arm cannon, but Smolfok comes over and diffuses the situation, pleading with Gaglian to let them through. Gaglian agrees and opens the wall up for them and they head inside the wall. Crate stays behind and says that she’ll head through once they’ve cleared the way. The group heads inside the wall to see that there is a proper dungeon inside. They begins investigating when they hear the sounds of yipping creatures that they recognize as kobolds. The noise seems to be coming from behind a door, so L.A.Z.O.R. blasts it down. On the other side of the destroyed doorway, they see a bunch of kobolds who are sitting around a fire as well as a few who are perched on a high platform made of rubble. They begin an intense battle with the kobolds as more and more of the kobolds keep running out from different parts of the room. As the battle rages, Harlow runs over to them and rolls a critical miss, causing him to get up in one of the kobold’s faces and stabs himself in the leg, saying “ooh, yeah” and seeming to get a sadistic sense of pleasure from the pain, which actually freaks out the kobolds quite a bit. After violently destroying most of the kobolds, the last one runs away into what seems to be a secret passageway. Harlow berates Sapodia for not helping out more. She apologizes and says that she was too scared to help, but she’ll try to do better in the future. Harlow then notices that she got a new dagger and asks where it came from before noticing Crate’s name carved into the hilt. The group heads over to the secret passage and gets ready to enter as the episode ends.

 

S2 Episode 6 – Strip Poker with Some Kobolds

Posted on March 28, 2017

Just as the group is about to go inside the secret passage where the kobold escaped, the puzzle box begins to shake and Thediem is sucked back inside. L.A.Z.O.R. puts the box back into his compartment. Andy asks Joe the DM if they can treat L.A.Z.O.R.’s compartment as a bag of holding for gameplay purposes and he agrees to it. The group then opens up the secret passageway to find that the kobold is missing, but there is a pile of treasure and a chest in the corner. They approach the treasure pile, suspecting that the kobold is hiding inside. L.A.Z.O.R. aims his arm cannon at the pile when Harlow’s mastiff, Martha, sniffs at the chest and starts barking at it. L.A.Z.O.R. blasts the chest and the kobold comes out in surrender. L.A.Z.O.R. uses his “comprehend language” spell to allow him tos speak to the yipping kobold. It reveals to him that the kobolds do not go up to the second floor because there is a “big blue beast” there with many legs and it eats them, but it isn’t able to get down the stairway to the first floor. Harlow then kills the kobold with his hammer and Martha begins eating its body. Looking behind the kobold, they see that there was also a sword in the treasure chest. Forg takes the sword and realizes that it is better than his current sword. It adds +1 to hit and also has “bitchin’ flames” on it. The group takes this and heads over toward the exit. Beyond the door, they hear something large moving around on the other side. L.A.Z.O.R. starts a countdown from 3, Harlow counts out “2”, and Forg says, “1” as L.A.Z.O.R. blasts the door down. Before Joe can reveal what is beyond the door, they roll canon dice to decide that it is a group of kobolds playing strip poker. They roll high enough that Joe the DM says that there is a large stone lion with a mane made of purple flames and it is at a table playing a card game with some kobolds. The door that L.A.Z.O.R. blasted down seems to have smashed into the table, ruining the game and infuriating the lion construct. The lion smashes the table as the kobolds climb into the rafters to escape. The lion says, “You will not have the Eye!” and it begins attacking them. They fight back briefly as they notice that the spots beneath all of their feet are beginning to spout blasts of purple flame. It becomes apparent that they can’t stand in the same place for more than a few seconds or else they risk being roasted alive.

 

S2 Episode 7 – All About the Flank

Posted on April 4, 2017     

The group attempts to fight the large lion construct while constantly moving as the floor keeps lighting on fire in the spots where they were previously standing. Because Harlow had previously berated her for standing back while they were fighting the kobolds, Sapodia rushes into battle to prove that she can be a valuable asset. The others attack the construct while Harlow jumps on its back and attempts to ride it as he fights. It repeatedly tries to buck him off, but he manages to hold on. Charlie asks what the butt looks like and decides to roll canon dice to decide that they never actually carved it a butt. Because he rolls a low number, Joe gives the opposite of what he requests and decides that the construct’s rear end is actually just an uncarved block of stone with legs coming out. Once this is revealed, the group makes it their mission to attack it from behind and carve it a proper butt. The group’s attacks gradually chip away at the block and form an exceptionally round butt. Eventually, Sapodia gives it a finishing blow by jabbing her dagger right into the center of the butt, literally giving it a new hole. Her arm then seems to be stuck inside the butt and she struggles to pull it out. While she is doing this, L.A.Z.O.R. sees a strange aura coming off of the lion. He approaches it and puts his arm cannon against it. The arm cannon sucks in the aura and transforms into a material that resembles the marble skin of the lion construct. He sees that one of the kobolds has returned to get its cards from the card game. It sees Sapodia and tries to sneak up on her to stab her, but L.A.Z.O.R. quickly places his new arm cannon against the ground and purple flame shoots out from beneath the kobold’s feet, burning it to a crisp. L.A.Z.O.R. has officially stolen the boss’s power. His arm then transforms back to its standard form, but he can feel that he would be able to turn it back to its purple fire form using a bonus action any time that he wants.

 

S2 Episode 8 – Good Guy Discount

Posted on April 11, 2017  

Having defeated the lion construct, the group goes to the door that the lion construct was guarding, which seems to lead to the other side of Leannin’s Wall. They listen at the door and hear some men talking, so they have Sapodia try to sneak open the door. She fails her stealth roll and the door creaks open loudly. As the door opens, they see the city of Oakfen, which is an elven outpost that has been demilitarized and converted into a city. It is surrounded by walls made from burnt trees, which were damaged during the war with the dwarves. They also see two elven guards who are goofing off while they are supposed to be guarding the door to the Wall. One of them, named Terrill, is telling a story about fairies putting him in a compromising position in a place called the Agar Taure, when he is interrupted by the door creaking open. The two guards look inside and see that the group has “vandalized” the lion construct by carving a butt into it. They quickly arrest the group and take them to their barracks. The guards lead them through the streets, under a floating statue of the winged elf, Thraciel, who they recognize as one of the three Elven rulers known as Triads. She was a warrior known for defeating the dragon, Vermithrax. The statue depicts her flying with sword in hand at the dragon’s roaring head. Harlow hates elves, so he leans into the elven guard’s ear and whispers an insult about Thraciel, infuriating the guard. When they get there, the chief refers to them as “Wallflowers” and treats them harshly until he sees that Harlow is with them. He decides to let them go for fear of causing a diplomatic incident with the dwarven monarchy. As they leave the barracks, they see that Crate, who came through the wall shortly after them. Upon inquiring about her curious odor, they learn that she doused herself with dragon urine in order to scare off any kobolds from attacking. Sapodia sees a nearby temple and says that she is going to spend the day with them to learn more about becoming a cleric. Crate then tells the group that she overheard someone asking about them and saying that he wanted to meet the person who defeated the lion construct. Crate says that the person can be found at the local tavern. The group goes to the tavern to meet this mystery person and they see a dark figure sitting in the corner alone. It is a gray-skinned Deep Gnome reading and wearing a cloak. They approach the mysterious gnome, who immediately throws a tantrum, saying that he is sick and tired of adventurers coming up to him asking him if he has any quests to give them. While he is ranting, an elf who is sitting nearby says that he actually is looking for adventurers to help do something about the cyclops who has been kidnapping their children. The Deep Gnome insults him for not solving the problem themselves, then the Deep Gnome storms out. The elven man continues to explain the problem and asks what the group calls itself. In light of their recent butt destruction of the lion construct, L.A.Z.O.R. confidently declares that they are called “The Assblasters”. They accept the quest to defeat the cyclops and then head to sleep in the upstairs inn for the night. Forg decides to stay downstairs and drink for a bit, where he apparently gets into an argument with the barkeep and beats up the barkeep so bad that he gives him two black eyes and knocked him out of his shoes. While he is unconscious, Harlow’s dog, Martha, defecates in the barkeep’s shoes. Because he rolls a 20, it is agreed that the other patrons of the bar really disliked the barkeep, so they actually tip Forg some gold out of sheer gratitude. Having come, seen, and conquered, Forg goes to sleep as well.

 

S2 Episode 9 – Love Will Find a Way

Posted on April 18, 2017  

In the morning, the Assblasters come downstairs to the bar and see the shoes of the barkeep, which Martha pooped in. L.A.Z.O.R. is struck by the quality of the shoes and (in an attempt to annoy the DM), decides that he must see the maker of these shoes. The shoes have an inscription that says “Sha’k’ell’qe” (pronounce ‘Shaquille”). The group heads to Sha’k’ell’qe’s cobbler shop. They talk to him briefly and L.A.Z.O.R. tries to persuade him to permanently join them, but doesn’t get a high enough number on his persuasion roll. He does convince Sha’k’ell’qe to tell them all about his family and join them on their quest to defeat the cyclops. The Assblasters leave the village of Oakfen and follow the trail of knocked down trees back to the cyclops’ lair. When they get there, they see that it is a giant cave that once appears to have been mined out. They move through the cave until they come upon a large pen where all of the children are being kept, complete with farming equipment, water, and a rotting cow. The children beg them to save the. Forg tries to comfort the children, but upsets them more by cursing. The Assblasters then move further into the cave, coming upon another pen with two elven men in it; one a farmer and the other a priest. This pen features drapes, candles, and phallic drawings on the wall. The men inside reveal that the cyclops appears to be trying to breed them, but it doesn’t understand how breeding works. It comes into the pen daily, pushes them together until they kiss, gives them a thumbs-up and then leaves. The Assblasters move forward and can see an opening where the cyclops can be heard singing around the corner. Before the opening, they see a separate tunnel that leads up to a shelf above the cyclops. While standing on the shelf, they see a large vase that is bigger than they are. They look down to see the 25 foot tall cyclops sitting at a makeshift table and hear the cyclops’ song, in which he sings “Cyclops village, cyclops village,  gonna make myself a cyclops village.” L.A.Z.O.R. is the only one who speaks the Giant language, so only he can understand. The group decides to leave Forg on the shelf and for L.A.Z.O.R. to give him a signal to push the vase on top of cyclops if things go south. Then, L.A.Z.O.R. and Harlow go back down and try to talk to the cyclops. The cyclops talks to L.A.Z.O.R. and reveals that he is attempting to have the children grow crops for him and have the people breed to make more people so he can have his very own village where he belongs. He had tried to join the village of Oakfen, but they didn’t understand him, so they had chased him away. The cyclops says that his name is “Biclops”. L.A.Z.O.R. asks Biclops to release the children and try to come with him so he can join the village of Oakfen. Biclops asks if this is a trick and L.A.Z.O.R. rolls a critical failure on his persuasion roll, so Biclops becomes enraged, believing that L.A.Z.O.R. is tricking him. L.A.Z.O.R. gives the signal and Forg pushes the vase on his head. Biclops turns around and punches into the tunnel that Forg is in, causing it to collapse around his arm. Forg crawls out of the tunnel, severely injured by the punch and the group decides to retreat back to the village. As they leave, they manage to free the priest, the farmer, and the children. They get out of the cave just as Biclops frees his arm and begins running for them. Harlow encourages L.A.Z.O.R. to fire an eldritch blast at the ceiling of the cave to collapse it on the cyclops. L.A.Z.O.R. counts down, but can’t bring himself to collapse the cave, saying, “He just wants to belong.” The group runs into the forest with the cyclops hot on their trail. After a short time, they manage to outrun him, as they are able to move between the trees while the cyclops has to knock them down, which significantly slows him down in the forest.

 

S2 Episode 10 – Reiki-Ass Potion

Posted on April 26, 2017

The group gets back towards Oakfen. They run past the farmsteads located outside of the village and find that they have been abandoned. It seems that Sha’k’ell’qe warned the people there about the incoming cyclops and evacuated the farmsteads so the people could hide within the city walls. The Assblasters get to the city and speak to the guard captain, Terrill, who begins to organize a militia to fight Biclops. Sapodia comes out of the nearby temple, sees Forg, and takes him to the temple to treat his wounds. As Terril is organizing the men, a dwarven man with a dyed blue beard arrives. The man introduces himself as Bellis Diamondback and declares that he is the “Lord Witness”. He says that the dwarven monarchy declared that the elves aren’t allowed to organize with weapons outside of the city walls. He says that the dwarven king is expecting a letter from him and, if he tells the king that the elves are organizing then the king will send a military brigade to deal with them. Harlow enjoys watching a fellow dwarf boss the elves around and high-fives him. Then, Bellis notices the brand on Harlow’s neck and advises that Harlow leave the city along with “that clanless trash” (Crate) as soon as they’ve taken care of the cyclops problem. He refers to Harlow as “medicine man”, which enrages Harlow and causes him to try to punch Bellis, but Forg catches his fist and holds him back before he can. Then, one of the guards calls out to Terrill to inform him that there’s something that he is going to want to see at the gate. Terrill goes over to the gate and is shocked to see the local folk hero, a bluish orc barbarian with an afro who goes by the name Lil Justice (played by newcomer, Dax). The newcomer says that he just happened to be passing through and asks where he can pick up some of the local women. When he hears of the plight of the villagers, he agrees to help them with the cyclops problem. Forg returns and the Assblasters all introduce themselves to Lil Justice. L.A.Z.O.R. then gets the idea to go to the city’s mages’ guild, figuring that it shouldn’t technically violate the dwarven law as long as they don’t bring weapons with them. Harlow stays behind to survey the view from the top of the wall. He sees one forest to the left and can see trees being knocked down by Biclops in the distance as he slowly makes his way there. Harlow estimates that he’ll be there in a few hours. Harlow looks to the right and sees a red forest known as the Agar Taure, which was the site of a great military loss for the elves and each tree in the forest is apparently a grave marker for the fallen elf soldiers. Harlow then gets bored and decides to join the others. As he arrives, the Assblasters negotiate with the desk clerk, Patience, to see if they can get any mages to join them, but it seems like all of the mages are being called to defend the walls from within the city.  Patience introduces them to an apprentice named “Dunder”, saying that he is the “best that we can spare”. The group takes Dunder and meets up with Terrill. They ask him to get some elves with shovels and rope so they can set up some traps for the cyclops and then they head out to prepare for battle.

 

S2 Episode 11 – Have You Guys Ever Seen Misery?

Posted on May 2, 2017      

The Assblasters use the elven militia to set up ropes and spike pits as traps for Biclops the cyclops. While they are setting up the traps, Harlow notices that the puzzle box has appeared at his feet. While no one is looking, he decides to take a golf swing at it with his hammer, creating a crack along the middle of the box and for a similar design to appear on the palm of his hand. Recognizing that he has made a mistake, he decides not to mention it to anyone and gives the box back to L.A.Z.O.R. for safekeeping. The militia then leaves and Biclops arrives. Dunder quickly shrinks Biclops down to half his size, making it difficult for him to push down the trees as he had previously done. The Assblasters and Dunder then successfully lead him through the traps and attack him repeatedly as he is too confused to counter their attacks.

 

S2 Episode 12 – The Man in the Box

Posted on May 9, 2017      

Biclops kneels, bloody and defeated, as he begs for mercy. Just as victory seems to be within their grasp, Dunder blasts him with a fireball and tells him that he’ll pay for stealing Oakfen’s children, using a spell so that Biclops can understand him. Biclops replies that he had stolen any children and that he was only taking care of them. While he is busy puzzling out what Biclops’ meant by his cryptic statement, Dunder is suddenly crushed by a giant boulder that is sent hurling through the air. The boulder slides forward into the tree that Sapodia was hiding in, causing it to fall over and for her to be lost among the leaves. With Dunder dead, the enlarge/reduce spell wears off and Biclops returns to his normal size with Harlow standing just in front of him. As this is all happening, the crack in the puzzle box suddenly begins to glow and Harlow is sucked inside. Things immediately look dire for the Assblasters with Dunder dead, Sapodia & Harlow missing, and two cyclopes approaching them. Just then, they are given an opportunity to escape as the second cyclops, Garius, begins to attack Biclops, berating him for letting the prisoners escape. Garius says that he is going to give Biclops 3 strikes with his club and counts them down as he does them. He counts out “3” on the first hit, then knocks Biclops unconscious with the second as he calls out “2”. He raises up his club for one final strike and says, “What comes before 2?” L.A.Z.O.R. answers his question by saying “1” as he blasts a laser beam from his arm cannon at Garius. The group then attempts to fight Garius, but finds themselves outmatched, as he is smart enough to avoid their traps. Forg gets in a hit, but Garius lands a critical blow on him, sending him through the center of a tree like a railroad spike and nearly killing him outright. As things look truly hopeless, L.A.Z.O.R. and Lil Justice plan to get Forg’s unconscious body and retreat to safety as L.A.Z.O.R. distracts Garius with an illusion. Then, Sapodia appears over Forg pouring a health potion into his mouth and reviving him to consciousness. At that moment, Harlow emerges from the puzzle box. He looks around and sees that his friends have been outmatched, then gets an idea. Taunting Garius and throwing a beer at his back, Harlow walks up to face him, dropping the barrel on his back to the ground. Garius smiles cruelly and says that he is going to smash Harlow in two hits. Just as he swings his club down, Harlow throws the puzzle box up into his club, causing the crack in the box to spread across the entire surface and the crack in Harlow’s hand to spread all the way up his arm. He turns around and gives one final nod to his teammates as the box sucks in both him and Garius.

 

S2 Episode 13 – Now We Can Slide Him Under Doors

Posted on May 17, 2017   

Having come to terms with Harlow’s sacrifice, the group begins to collect their things so they can head back to Oakfen. As Sapodia is trying to move the boulder off of Dunder, she is suddenly helped by Biclops, who has regained consciousness. Biclops expresses regret that Garius had killed one of their friends. L.A.Z.O.R. speaks to Biclops and convinces him to come back to Oakfen with them in the hopes that he can convince the elves to let him live there with them. Biclops agrees to carry Dunder’s corpse so that they can give him a proper burial. Upon returning to the town, they see that the Lord Witness, Bellis Diamondback, had kicked Crate out and she is sitting outside the gates. Terrill comes out to find out why they have brought the cyclops back with them and they explain the situation. He agrees to let them inside as long as Biclops stays outside. A crowd gathers and Terrill brings out the Chief. The Assblasters speak to the chief, who reluctantly agrees to allow the cyclops to stay as long as he lives outside of the walls of the city. Bellis Diamondback shows up to mock their efforts and inform them that Harlow was some kind of exile and that the brand on his neck meant that he must have poisoned someone. Sapodia tries to defend him, but Bellis doesn’t seem to care. L.A.Z.O.R. asks for their reward so that they can leave, but Bellis says that he never asked them to stop the cyclops, so he doesn’t feel that he owes them a thing. Terrill steps forward and rallies the people to make a collection for the Assblasters. L.A.Z.O.R. loudly promises to one day return and free the elves from their Dwarven oppressors. Bellis Diamondback accuses him of treason for this and demands that the guards arrest the Assblasters. The guards reluctantly block the Assblasters’ path as L.A.Z.O.R. pushes them, telling them to pretend to be knocked out and saying that he can pretend to fight them and “make it look super real”. Forg convinces the Assblasters not to fight back for fear of making things worse. Just as they are about to be arrested, Terrill knocks out Bellis Diamondback, gives them their golden reward (300 gold) and tells them to get going. As they leave the gates, they see that multiple children have begun climbing on Biclops and he has gently allowed them to use him as a playground. They tell him that he is allowed to stay and L.A.Z.O.R. writes down some quick rules for him to follow in order to blend in some civilized society. Then, they give him a group fistbump and head out toward the Agar Taure on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin. As they walk into the red forest known as the Agar Taure, they are slowly separated by a growing mist. Andy rolls his canon dice to decide that they were not actually separated, but he is only successful enough to decide that L.A.Z.O.R. and Lil Justice weren’t separated. In the mist, Lil Justice sees an ethereal spirit bear; his totem. The bear points to a tree stump that has a bearskin cloak and a fang necklace on it. Lil Justice puts them on and feels empowered by the spirit of the bear. The spirit bear then looks over at L.A.Z.O.R. and gives him an awkward wave. Forg sees a ball of light on the ground and goes to pick it up, when he does, it disappears and he feels a pressure on his shoulder as he hears a voice that says “Now, rise…” He feels a well of emotions as he hears this and looks around to see that the fog has cleared and his friends are visible once more. Sapodia reappears wearing white and silver robes asking if anyone else saw a smiling woman in a hood. She is promptly ignored by the rest of the party as they all decide to set up camp. Lil Justice draws a map of the area while the others set up camp. Then, they all go to sleep, except for L.A.Z.O.R. who stands around waiting for something magical to happen to him as he hears the sound of crickets. Eventually, he passes out standing up. The last thing anyone hears is the sound of high-pitched laughter.

 

S2 Episode 14 – I’m a Horse!

Posted on May 23, 2017   

L.A.Z.O.R. awakens to see that the leaves have changed color from red to blue. There are floating balls of light wafting around, but he ignores them as he approaches a tree in the distance. In a knot in the tree, he finds a strange tome covered in spirit crickets. He wipes them away and takes it. The language inside is one he has never seen before, but he is able to read it anyway and it seems to be full of joy and happiness. Reading this tome seems to give him access to new magical abilities (3 cantrips). He returns to the group to see what is going on. Lil Justice awakens completely nude and Sapodia begs him to put his loin cloth back on. Crate wakes up and looks at him, but is unimpressed. Lil Justice dresses himself and they begin looking around to try to figure out where they are. L.A.Z.O.R. surprisingly actually figures out that they have somehow entered the Fey Wilds, which is a magical plane of existence that mirrors their own. While looking for a way home, bunch of corgi dogs wearing saddles who run up and start cuddling L.A.Z.O.R.’s legs. He is delighted by this and attempts to sit on one, but it runs away in pain, unable to handle his massive weight. The corgis all run away and a male fairy flies out of the bushes, pointing a sharpened twig at L.A.Z.O.R. and asking why L.A.Z.O.R. was hurting his steed, Winston. The group explains the situation and asks how they can get home. The fairy introduces himself as Robin Goodfellow and offers to take them home. As he leads them through a fairy village, Lil Justice decides to use his newfound ability to talk to animals. He channels it as they walk and they see a direcorgi (a corgi that is the size of a large bear) howling in the distance. When Lil Justice finishes channeling his spell, he asks Robin Goodfellow’s corgi, Winston, what he knows about this area. Winston simply replies, “I’m a horse!” Instantly realizing that he is not going to get any valuable information from this dog, he turns to Martha and asks her if she knows anything about direcorgis. She says that she has heard legends about really big dogs, but doesn’t seem to know much more. Robin Goodfellow then leads them into a village of mud huts where the streets seem empty. They hear a lot of sound coming from one of the buildings and enter to see a bunch of frog men wearing crowns. The frog men are turned away from them and seem to be cheering on some kind of snail race. As they approach to see what is going on, Lil Justice hears the snails competitively berating each other. Then, a frog man guard comes to the door behind them with his pants down (clearing having come back from the privy) and exclaims that they are intruders. Everyone in the room immediately turns and takes out weapons, saying that the Assblasters should be taken to the king. Out the door, they can see Robin Goodfellow riding away on Winston and calling out, “Good luck, friends!” He had clearly been leading them into a trap. Winston calls out, “I’m a horse!”

 

S2 Episode 15 – Kafkaesque

Posted on May 31, 2017   

The Assblasters are brought to the old ruins of an old stone building and they sit down in a dining hall as all of the frog men begin eating from bowls. One of the frog men suddenly drops face first into his soup and another declares that he is dead. After a moment of silence, the frog men cheer and they all begin to cheer as they exchange crowns. One of them, wearing a quartz crown, identifies himself as “Sir Gorp” with a long series of titles and he explains to them that the frog men have a very structured ranking system based on the value of their crowns. The only way to move up in rank is to kill the frog man directly above you in rank. Part of the game is that they need to make it look like an accident in order for it to count. While they are discussing this, they ask when they’ll see the king and Gorp informs them that the king is very busy. They then see the king peeking his head at them from the other room, but the king quickly hides when he realizes that he has been seen. Another frog woman named Mistress Urga introduces herself and claims to be part of the “outsider outreach committee”, which she admits she just made up on the spot. She explains a bit more about their society when trumpets begin to blare and The Assblasters are called into the king’s room. The group goes into the room to see an incredibly obese frog wearing a brass crown sitting on a chair on top of a large pile of trash. He asks them if they are impressed by his “treasure pile” and they tell him that they are. He asks what they are doing in the Court of Frogs and they explain the situation to him. He admits that he doesn’t know the way out of the Fey Wilds, but says that, now that they have entered the Court of Frogs, they are his guests and he demands a boon from them. While they are trying to find their most worthless possessions to give him, the puzzle box appears on the ground next to L.A.Z.O.R. and the frog king becomes entranced by it. He demands the puzzle box as his gift. L.A.Z.O.R. begins counting down from 3 and prepares to fire his arm cannon, but the frog king offers a nonviolent solution. He says that he will give their puzzle box back if they can retrieve his advisor, Henrietta, who has apparently been kidnapped by goblins. He also demands that The Assblasters capture the goblins and bring them back alive so they can be properly punished. The frog king tells them that  Henrietta has black and white hair and a jeweled necklace and he points them in the direction of the goblins’ hideout, warning them that it is booby-trapped. Crate and Martha choose to stay behind with the frog men as the Assblasters head out to retrieve the king’s advisor. .

 

S2 Episode 16 – Let’s All Hold Hands…

Posted on June 6, 2017     

The Assblasters arrive at the ruins of an old temple, which has scorpion statues by the door. As they enter, they see a trip wire with small, damp clothes hanging off of it like a clothesline. They step over the tripwire and walk through the ruins, eventually coming upon a net trap with a goblin sleeping in the net, using it like a hammock. They cut down the net, entangling him in it and attempt to question him. He responds in a language that they don’t understand and doesn’t seem to understand their questions, so they gag him and L.A.Z.O.R. carries him with them. Shortly after, they get to an open hall and see a goblin skip over a raised tile, then open a trapdoor to pull out a chicken leg. The goblin goes over to two statues of scorpions and steps on a different tile, causing the statues to spew flames out of their tails. He uses this fire to roast the chicken, then eats it as he leaves the room. Attempting to follow him, Avi rolls a critical miss, so Forg accidentally steps on one of the tiles, causing a poison dart to shoot him in the arm. Sapodia uses her medical knowledge to squeeze out the poison quickly, so it does less damage than it otherwise would have. The Assblasters then head to the next room, which is a trapped hallway. They see the obese goblin eating chicken as he gets to the door, peeks through a missing brick in the wall, and says something in the goblin language to make another goblin open the door. The Assblasters recognize that the hall is set to have swinging axes go across if they step in the wrong spot, so they run across. Forg makes a heroic leap across and dabs, revealing that the dab is a symbol of victory where he comes from. Then, the group peaks through different holes in the wall, realizing that their heads are coming out where the heads of statues are supposed to be. Forg’s head is on a statue of a sexy lady. Lil Justice’s head is on a statue of a dog. L.A.Z.O.R.’s head is on a statue of a “sexy dog”. They see that this is an old armory that the goblins seem to have turned into a hangout room, complete with makeshift bunkbeds. The two remaining goblins have chained up a goat with black and white fur and a necklace of jewels. It immediately becomes clear that this goat is the “advisor” to the frog king. One of the goblins reaches into a trap hole in the wall to pull out a few poison darts. They begin using the poison darts to play a game of darts with a makeshift bullseye that they had set up. While the goblins are distracted, Forg and Lil Justice try to sneak into the room to capture them, but Lil Justice trips over an old set of armor. L.A.Z.O.R. uses thaumaturgy to make a loud noise in the other direction to keep them distracted, but this only further frightens the goat, which runs off down a dark stairway with the rack that it was chained to. Lil Justice and Forg quickly knock out the goblins and head off into the dark staircase to retrieve the goat.

 

S2 Episode 17 – Who’s Ready to Drown on Solid Land?

Posted on June 14, 2017   

The Assblasters walk down the steps toward the next room, following after the goat while cautiously checking for traps. When they enter the room, they see 5 hungry-looking gnolls (hyena men) who begin to approach them with weapons. The foremost gnoll steps on a switch in the middle of the room and a gelatinous cube drops on top of him, completely engulfing him. Then, the door begins closing behind the Assblasters. Andy says that he wants L.A.Z.O.R. to throw his hat under the closing door Indiana Jones-style. Joe reminds Andy that L.A.Z.O.R. doesn’t have a hat, so Andy decides to roll canon dice to make it so that L.A.Z.O.R. always had a hat. He succeeds, then attempts to throw his hat under the door, but gets a low dexterity roll and immediately loses his hat as it fails to block the door and gets trapped on the other side of the door. L.A.Z.O.R. vows to come back for his hat as the Assblasters begin dispersing to get away from the gelatinous cube. They fight the gnolls and make a strategy of throwing the gnolls into the cube. The gnolls try to fight back, but repeatedly roll critical failures, so they drop their weapons and defecate all over themselves. L.A.Z.O.R. uses his Suggestion spell on one of the gnolls to make it closely investigate the gelatinous cube. The gnoll walks right up to the cube and is quickly engulfed right as he uses his fire canon to light the cube on fire. With that, 4 of the gnolls are defeated and the last one decides to run away, clawing at the door that they came from. Andy attempts to roll canon dice to retroactively say that L.A.Z.O.R. never actually had a hat, but he fails. The Assblasters let the last one run as they move into the following room, which is completely dark aside from some glowing moss on the walls. As they enter, they hear the goat bleating in the distance and are approached by a giant scorpion.

 

S2 Episode 18 – All Places Are Dungeons. All Monsters Are Dragons.

Posted on June 20, 2017   

The Assblasters head into the dark room and are confronted by a huge scorpion. Then, from out of the darkness, two gnolls come in and attack the scorpion. As they hit it, green moss on the walls begins to glow in response to the sounds of their swords hitting its carapace. The scorpion pulls back its tail fires two red laser beams at one of them, leaving a mark on the gnoll’s head and chest. It turns the other one in half with its claws and then the first one begins to run, but the red marks on it begin to glow as a line forms between them and it explodes. The scorpion than begins fighting them. Forg tries getting on its back, but is quickly thrown off. After a tough battle, Lil Justice runs up its back and slashes its tail off, then jams his axe into its head, killing the beast. L.A.Z.O.R. sees the severed tail is giving off a red aura. He goes over to it and puts his arm cannon up to it as his arm transforms to look like a scorpion’s stinger. He gains the scorpion’s ability to lay down red laser mines on targets and their damage compounds exponentially the more he puts on a single target. With the scorpion gone, they hear the goat bleating beyond a stone door on the opposite side of where they entered. L.A.Z.O.R. places two laser mines on the door and cracks it straight across the middle, causing it to collapse. They enter the room and realize that it is a tomb. They see the goat standing next to a sarcophagus with a giant painting of a blue-skinned elf behind it. In the painting, the blue-skinned elf is wearing a golden crown of jewels and holding an axe that looks like a golden scorpion is resting against it with its legs splayed along the blades and its tail being the handle of the axe. An inscription beneath the painting reads, “Here lies Zholoro: last of the Eladrin.” They approach the sarcophagus and see a skeleton in the sarcophagus that clearly belonged to the man in the painting, as it is wearing the same crown and holding the same axe. Lil Justice takes the axe from the skeleton. Feeling dishonorable at the thought of taking from a corpse, Forg places the sword he originally brought with him in the skeleton’s hands. A disembodied voice says, “A fair trade, champion.” L.A.Z.H.O.R. emits a flashing light and siren, referring to this as his “spooky alarm” and informing the party that the disembodied voice is, in fact, spooky. He also decide to take the crown, but they have nothing of value to trade in exchange. Since the voice remains silent, they assume that he is ok with them having it. They grab the goat, go back to get L.A.Z.O.R.’s hat, and then exit through a hidden back door from the scorpion’s room and head back toward the Court of Frogs with their captured goblins and rescued goat in hand.

 

S2 Episode 19 – A Skeleton May Already Be Inside of Us!

Posted on June 27, 2017   

The first of our two-part Halloween-themed session. As the group returns to the Court of Frogs with the goat and goblins in hand, they come upon a spooky mansion. Lil Justice decides to spear a raven with his javelin and eat it. As he is doing this, the goblins awake from their stupor and run off into the mansion. The Assblasters follow the goblins into the mansion and begin hunting for them as they encounter various horror tropes. There is a painting with eyes that follow them and a message written in blood on the ceiling that says “You’ll never leave!”  L.A.Z.O.R. sends an illusion down the hallway to open the door, but a spectral scythe comes through the door and cuts it in half. Lil Justice decides to cautiously go down the hallway, which seems to get smaller the further he goes down it. At the end of the hallway, a goblin jumps into Lil Justice’s afro.  L.A.Z.O.R. bashes his head on a wall to knock the goblin out and they head down the opposite hallway. They enter a side door to encounter a child’s room with an empty crib and a toybox full of creepy toys. In the toybox, they find the second goblin, trying to blend in with the toys. They knock him out and start hearing noises, so they make Sapodia check under the crib, when a rat runs out from under it. They are then immediately attacked by a creepy ghost baby that was crawling on the ceiling. L.A.Z.O.R. blasts through it and shoots a hole in the ceiling, revealing a view of a bedroom on the second floor. It appears to be a victorian style bedroom with curtains drawn around the bed. The group then goes to the next room, which seems to be a filthy privy with a large hole in the center of the room which seems to go down endlessly into the ground. L.A.Z.O.R. rolls canon dice to decide that he has occasionally been defecating in the dungeons that they have visited. The group then makes its way upstairs to see a ghost facing the wall, holding the third goblin. L.A.Z.O.R. tries to spook it by using thaumaturgy to open all the doors in the hallway, only to reveal that all of the doors were hiding black vortex portals behind them. The ghost turns around, generates a spectral scythe in its hand and begins to charge at them.

 

S2 Episode 20 – Does It Do Magic Damage?

Posted on July 6, 2017       

The conclusion to our two-part Halloween-themed session. The Assblasters battle the faceless ghost in a hallway full of open doors with portals in them; however, they are only able to hurt the ghost with magic damage. L.A.Z.O.R. is able to damage it with his arm cannon and Lil Justice can hurt it with his newly acquired magical scorpion axe. Not having a magical weapon himself, Forg uses his commander strike ability to give his teammates extra attacks. The ghost disappears in one door and comes out of another. After figuring out the pattern of the door portals, they are able to predict the ghost’s movements and gain the advantage, splitting the ghost in half. Then, the ghost’s two halves split up and begin attacking separately. Despite taking some hard hits and accidentally setting the hallway on fire, the Assblasters successfully defeat the ghost and hurry into the room that it was guarding, grabbing the final goblin on the way. They enter the room to discover that it is the bedroom that they saw earlier when they shot through the ceiling downstairs. They see a treasure chest in the corner with a potion of fire-breathing in it and they take the potion. Then, they pull back the curtains around the bed to see a strange cylindrical wooden object. As the fire from the hallway spreads toward the bedroom and smoke begins filling the room, they tear the boards off the windows, but are still blocked by a forcefield. Forg tries throwing the splintery cylindrical wooden object at the window and it seems to drill through the forcefield, shattering it. With the forcefield gone and the room beginning to catch fire, the Assblasters jump out the window. As they fall, Lil Justice slams his axe into the wall, rolling a natural 20 and sliding down the wall gracefully, catching Sapodia in his other arm. L.A.Z.O.R. then decides that he doesn’t trust  the cylindrical wooden object, so he blasts it off into the woods. The haunted mansion is fully engulfed in flames and implodes upon itself, disappearing completely before the group finds a nearby alcove and sets up camp for the night.

 

S2 Episode 21 – You Sure You Don’t Wanna Go Fishing?

Posted on July 11, 2017

On their way back to the Court of Frogs, the goblins regain consciousness and their leader, Gungi, asks where they are going. L.A.Z.O.R. explains the situation and the goblins beg not to be taken there, saying that they’ll be killed if they’re given to the frog-men. The goblins offer to steal back the puzzle box for the Assblasters in exchange for being set free. The Assblasters decide to use Forg’s newfound golden, jeweled crown to try to take over the Court of Frogs. They head into the frog king’s room only to discover that the former king, King Pepe, had a “fishing accident” and died on a fishing trip with his second-in-command, Sir Gorp. Gorp has taken over as king and now sits upon the throne. They return his advisor, Henrietta the goat, and Forg declares himself the new king. Gorp reluctantly concedes his throne, acknowledging that the value of Forg’s crown greatly surpasses his own brass crown. He attempts to convince Forg that the coronation ceremony for a new king involves a “fishing challenge”, but Forg fails to fall for his obvious trick. Forg asks where they keep their gold. When Gorp says that they consider gold to be trash and throw it in the lake, Forg tasks him with going into the lake and fishing out the gold for him. While Gorp is gone, Forg calls in Mistress Urga and tells her to bring in all of the frog men in town and to make them stand in order of their rank. While she is doing that, Forg talks to Lil Justice about his past. Lil Justice reveals that he doesn’t want to go back to his clan, because he and his father had differences over the way that things should be ruled. Before he can elaborate, all of the frog men enter the room. Forg demands a jester and one of them, named Footmouth, offers to put his feet in his mouth for Forg’s entertainment, then does so. Forg names him jester as Gorp returns with 9 pieces of gold and L.A.Z.O.R. walks in with three goblins whose heads have been notably deformed. L.A.Z.O.R. reveals that he had been repeatedly bashing their heads against trees to keep them unconscious, but that he wasn’t sure how much more punishment their skulls could take before he accidentally killed them. Forg then names one of the goblins as the new king and puts his crown on Gungi’s head. Rolling a 1 on persuasion, the frog men are outraged by this and immediately begin squabbling over who the actual new king should be now that their order has been disrupted. They begin killing each other for the right to take the new crown. While they are doing this, the Assblasters escape and see that the goblins are escaping as well. In consideration of the brain damage that L.A.Z.O.R. probably gave them, Forg decides to let the goblins keep their crown and doesn’t chase them as they run off.

 

NON-CANON S2 Episode 22B – That Was Chaotic Neutral at Best!

Posted on July 18, 2017    

In the non-canon version of this episode, Andy rolls his canon dice to change L.A.Z.O.R.’s name to “L.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Lightly Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). The Assblasters are approached by a frog-man named Luzz who asks them to help him kill the frog-men ranked above him so that he can be king. For some reason, they decide to actually do it. They spend the episode using Looney Tunes-style tricks to kill multiple frog-men. Eventually, Urga fails to fall for one of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s zany traps. Revealing that he didn’t actually have a Plan B, L.A.Z.H.OR. just kills her by shooting her with his arm cannon. The group then flees the Court of Frogs while being chased down, wanted for murder. They manage to escape into the forest and decide to go to sleep. It was later agreed upon that the events of this episode didn’t actually happen as far as the overarching story is concerned, because they didn’t make any sense for the characters involved.

 

S2 Episode 22 – UNLIMITED STAMINA!

Posted on July 19, 2017

Andy rolls his canon dice to change L.A.Z.O.R.’s name to “L.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Lightly Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). The Assblasters are approached by a frog-man named Luzz who asks them to help him kill the frog-men ranked above him so that he can be king. The Assblasters instead offer to bring him with them. They leave the Court of Frogs only to find that they can’t seem to escape the forest. Lacking other options, they go back to the fairy village and confront Robin Goodfellow. Fearing retribution for his tricks, Robin Goodfellow offers them his steed, Winston. He reveals that Winston is actually a direcorgi and dispels the magic that made Winston small, allowing Winston to grow to be the size of a large bear. Robin Goodfellow then points them to “The Curtains”, which is a waterfall that allows them to leave the Fey Wilds. L.A.Z.H.O.R. knocks out Robin Goodfellow and leaves him behind as they return to their home plane. They travel through wide-open plains on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin until it begins to rain. Then, they make camp under a nearby butte. While setting up camp, Lil Justice polishes his normal axe, revealing that it was a gift from his grandfather and it is named “Mosnat Gash”, which is Orcish for “Midnight Fire”. Crate suggests that the group should visit Ellary on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin, as she might know more about the puzzle box and a possible way to get Harlow Mountainbrew out of it. The group agrees to do so and then goes to sleep. When they wake up, they realize that Luzz and stolen all of their most worthless items and run away, leaving behind a note declaring victory for getting away with their “treasure”. They decide to forget about him and move on, arriving at a broken down and decrepit old temple, hidden in the woods where Ellary allegedly lives.

 

S2 Episode 23 – Let’s ERP for a Bit

Posted on July 25, 2017

The group enters Lady Ellary’s temple as they are greeted by a Dwarven boy, who leads them to Ellary’s room. Ellary says that she is surprised that she has visitors and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that, while the other two members of the Elven Triad were killed in the war with the Dwarves, Ellary was allowed to survive and she openly praised their new Dwarven regent who was chosen by the Dwarven king to replace them. They ask her to tell them about the puzzle box that they have been carrying. She insists that it is a normal magician’s box, but then sends the Dwarven boy away to get them tea. While the Dwarven boy is away, her tone changes dramatically as she asks where they got the box. She informs the group that the box is a doorway to other planes of existence and encourages them to destroy it, warning them that powerful beings from other planes of existence could use something like that to come through. When she is asked if she has ever encountered such a being, she tells them of a powerful devil lord who she sealed away many years ago. Avi rolls his canon dice to officially decide that the devil lord’s name is “D’Jay’Kaled.” Ellary reveals that she is being held in the temple against her will and the Dwarven boy is a spy who reports on her activities. The boy returns and Ellary bids farewell to the Assblasters, asking the boy to get her new friends some rations on their way out. The Assblasters then go to the Capital City, a floating city of ringed levels. It is a floating city between two cliffs that looks like a wedding cake stacked on top of an upside-down wedding cake (Wide in middle and thin on top and bottom). Each ring is its own floor. There are 10 floors, with the King Regent living on top floor and slums on bottom. Crate informs our protagonists that they’ll need permission from the king regent to proceed to Jose Cuervos’lin and they’ll need an appointment to see the King Regent. She promises to set that up for them and meet up with them later that night. The group then immediately goes to the bottom floor to look around. They find a shady-looking half-orc and Lil Justice approaches him to see what he is selling. The half-orc immediately says, “You lookin’ for slaves?” The Assblasters quickly realize that they are in over their heads and get away from the slave salesman, who calls out that his name is Grallic. They decide to go to a less shady floor and find a brothel, but the brothel that they find seems to be entirely male. They are approached by one of the many muscular elves wearing togas, who propositions them. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if they have ever heard of a performer known as Long Dong Silver. Every one of the male prostitutes immediately kneels at the sound of his name. The lead prostitute informs L.A.Z.H.O.R. that Long Dong Silver has passed away and “gone to that big brothel in the sky”. Disheartened, the group decides to leave. As they are leaving, they encounter Crate, who is suspicious of them for all being at an all-male brothel. She informs them that she got them an appointment for tomorrow morning and then goes inside the brothel. The Assblasters then find a tavern/inn where they can drink and go to sleep. While the others go to sleep, Lil Justice tries to flirt with the ladies. He meets a double-elf named Jo and quickly gets bored of trying to flirt with her, so he goes to bed. In the middle of the night, Forg is awoken by a knock on his door. It is Crate. She informs him that she had set up her shop to sell armor in the marketplace and she was approached by a man in armor with a snake on it. The man was asking if she had seen anyone by Forg’s description. She didn’t trust the man, so she told him Forg had gone to Turrenshire. She asks if Forg is in some kind of trouble. Forg says, “You know that trouble I was telling you about? I think it found me…”

 

S2 Episode 24 – Point of Order: Are We Heroes?

Posted on August 1, 2017

The Assblasters wake up and go to meet the King Regent, Praxis Darkstone. Upon hearing the familiar “Darkstone” name, our players are reminded of the antagonist from season 1, whose name was Pabarel Darkstone. Andy does a history check to remember the history of the Darkstone family and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that the original sacred texts said that Moradin had 19 children who went on to found the 19 clans. In the last century, a family of merchants, the Darkstone family, had made enough money to have the sacred texts re-translated. In the translation, it was “discovered” that there was a 20th child who went by the name “Darkstone”. L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to bring up this fortunate coincidence and the King Regent becomes notably awkward. Despite this, the King Regent agrees to grant them permits to go forth to the town of Jose Cuervos’lin. As they leave, they run into a familiar gray-skinned Deep Gnome, who is introduced as Stelwik Businessperson. He is the crown jeweler and has come to fit the king for a new crown. This is the same Deep Gnome who they had encountered in the city of Oakfen. He recognizes them as the adventurers from Oakfen and is certain that they are going to do something to cause trouble for him. He begins cursing them out, threatening them if they do anything to screw this up for him, while Lil Justice mistakes him for a child and pats his head. The group then heads to Jose Cuervos’lin. They go through a forest and are stopped by a guard at the gates of Jose Cuervos’lin. The guard asks for their performer licenses. L.A.Z.H.O.R. lies and says that he left them in his other horse. He offers to get them, but the guard says that he trusts them and lets them through anyway. They arrive at a large castle and are greeted by a creepy butler carrying a lantern. The creepy butler leads them inside to a banquet hall where multiple other performers are waiting to meet the Marquis. L.A.Z.H.O.R. speaks to a halfling bard with a lute named Jiggins. Jiggins tells him that the first place prize for the competition is a mystery box with rare magic items in it. Lil Justice speaks to a bard troupe that calls themselves “The Village People”. One of their members is a female elf named Joina who plays a woodwind instrument called a “dildus”. Joina tells Lil Justice that it is usually the victors of the competitions who disappear shortly after winning. She reveals that one of the members of the bard troupe is actually a mercenary who they hired to fight off whatever has been making the winners disappear. Lil Justice recognizes the mercenary as a half-orc named Nevlan Bloodfoot, who he has encountered in the past. Lil Justice asks Nevlan if he has seen Lil Justice’s cousin, Carl (AKA “Carl the Gruel Man”). Nevlan says that, last he had heard, Carl was a cook in the town of Tarnstead. They speak in Orcish and Nevlan tells Lil Justice that “your secret is safe with me.” Then, the group sees a disheveled jester who is drinking heavily at a different table. L.A.Z.H.O.R. introduces himself to the man and asks if the Marquis is involved in the disappearances. The jester introduces himself as “Squander.” Then, trumpets are blown and the Marquis arrives. The Marquis turns out to be a young Elven child. Squander admits that the disappearances started happening around the time that the young Marquis took over after his parents died, but he insists that the young Marquis has nothing to do with them. The Marquis announces that the contest will take place in the morning and everyone is sent off to their rooms. They are informed that they will not be able to leave their room in the middle of the night and the group opts to all stay in the same room. The door is locked behind them and they opt to sleep in shifts. The group is awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of Winston borking in the distance as well as some scratching and various other spooky sounds.

 

S2 Episode 25 – Yung Chipotle

Posted on August 9, 2017

Lil Justice uses his “Talk to Animals” ability to speak to Winston. The two bark at each other from opposite sides of the castle. Winston tells Lil Justice that there is a spooky man with chains outside, but that he doesn’t seem to be hurting anyone. Lil Justice instructs Winston to bork 3 times if there is any danger. Winston agrees and the group decides to go to remain in the room rather than violating the rules and risking being kicked out of the castle before they can compete. The rest of the night is quiet and they wake up in the morning, head to the banquet hall, eat some breakfast, and get ready for the tournament. The first performer is Squander, who puts on an impressive, yet sloppy magic show while clearly drunk. He flies around the room and makes Sapodia’s stool start to run out from underneath her before he creates a tornado of flame that cooks a piece of meat without burning the flower on top. The young marquis claps and reveals that Squander isn’t actually competing because Squander is his uncle. The first proper act is Jiggins, the bard, who plays an impressive solo on two lutes at the same time. The second performance is by the Village People. Joina plays the dildus while Nevlan drums on a lute as the other members of their troupe perform a play called “The Idiot.” The play is extremely racist towards Dwarves and tells an allegory for how the Dwarves came into power over the elves. Crate quickly becomes uncomfortable and leaves to go to the privy. All of the elves in the room seem to find the play hilarious. When the play ends, Crate returns and the group sets up a wrestling ring as L.A.Z.H.O.R. introduces Lil Justice and Forg. Crate rings the bell and their wrestling match performance begins.

 

S2 Episode 26 – ¡Qué Lástima!

Posted on August 15, 2017

The Assblasters finally start their wrestling match between Forg and Lil Justice (whose in-ring persona is ‘Lil Injustice’) while L.A.Z.H.O.R. commentates. Forg seems to be winning until Lil Injustice goes into a rage and gets in some hard hits on Forg. Then, Forg takes Lil Justice outside of the ring, lays Lil Justice on the Spanish announce table that L.A.Z.HO.R. had set up and does a frog splash off of a chandelier. Before he can pin Lil Injustice, Crate the referee is shackled to the turnbuckle by Sapodia, so she can’t count the pin. Lil Injustice gets back up and tries to hit a finisher on Forg, but Forg manages to reverse it and get the pin on Lil Injustice. Crate frees herself and goes for the three count. As Crate counts the pin, Winston is heard going, “Bork! Bork! Bork!” They all recognize this as the signal that Lil Justice asked him to give if there was danger. The group looks out the window to see that the sky has gone black and there is an ominous knock on the door.

 

S2 Episode 27 – Fairy Man Was a Prick

Posted on August 22, 2017

Having heard Winston give the signal, the Assblasters are eager to investigate, but Squander offers to check outside while the Marquis decides the winner of the contest. After the players successfully roll a high enough number, it is decided that their group has won the tournament and they are awarded with the prizes from the mystery box. The players roll a d100 to randomly determine what their prizes are. They are given: a potion of mind reading, an elixir of health (cures diseases and poisons), a potion of diminution (lets them shrink temporarily), and a potion of Stone Giant strength. As they receive these, the Assblasters hear the sounds of horses neighing wildly and then suddenly the neighing stops. Lil Justice sprints out to the stables, running past Squander who says that the situation has been handled. Lil Justice runs past him toward the stables. Upon arriving, he sees that all of the horses have been killed and Winston is missing. He calls out, but Winston doesn’t respond. As he is about to leave, Winston crawls out from beneath a pile of horse corpses and Lil Justice sees that Winston has shrunk down to the size of a normal corgi. Winston doesn’t seem to have understood how he shrunk, but he appears safe. Lil Justice takes Winston and checks on Martha, who is unharmed. Winston says that the man with chains returned and he killed the horses. As Lil Justice washes the blood off of him, Winston asks why Lil Justice would come toward him if he knew that there was danger. Lil Justice tells him that is what friends do for each other. Winston replies that his former fairy master wouldn’t have done that and Lil Justice replies that fairy man was a prick. Winston doesn’t understand what this means, but he decides that, whatever a prick is, he doesn’t want to be one. Lil Justice returns to the main hall and angrily questions the marquis about the horses. After a semi-successful persuasion roll, Squander tells him that he can’t say anything about what is going on, but that he’ll unlock the doors for the Assblasters so they can escape in the middle of the night. They agree to this and go to rest in their room, bringing Winston and Martha with them. As promised, they are awoken by the sound of their door unlocking and a knock on the door. Lil Justice uses his beast sense to smell through Winston’s nose. He smells alcohol and a man who clearly hasn’t washed in days, which they deduce is Squander. They open the door and see the Squander, who gives them a silent wave as he walks away. The group sneaks out into the forest, past a sleeping guard. As they get midway through the forest, everything gets quiet and they start to hear the sound of chains. A dark figure covered in chains slowly approaches them as they prepare for battle.

 

S2 Episode 28 – Hold it Down for the Underground

Posted on August 29, 2017

As the dark figure approaches, they can see that it is a devil wrapped in chains. L.A.Z.H.O.R. pre-empts the chain devil by blasting it with his laser arm cannon, but the devil brushes off his blast easily. The group attacks the chain devil and only Lil Justice manages to damage it. Forg is wounded and tossed aside. Having decided that the devil is too strong for them to defeat, Forg convinces his allies to flee. As they are fleeing, the chain devil lashes out its chains at L.A.Z.H.O.R., but Sapodia jumps in the way. The devil says “My lord will have his sacrifice” and it pulls her into a fiery portal in the ground beneath him. The group returns to the Marquis’ castle and kicks in the door to the marquis’ bedroom, confronting him about his relationship with the devil. The marquis cries and claims to know nothing. Squander pulls the Assblasters into the hallway and confesses that they have been giving the tournament winners to the chain devil. The devils had apparently killed the former marquis and his wife when they had refused to offer sacrifices. Squander says that he had tried fighting the chain devil himself, but had failed, so he had agreed to get sacrifices for the devils in exchange for them sparing the current marquis’ life. He says that Sapodia was likely taken to Hell and the only way to get her back would be to go through the portal in the Hellmouth a few miles south of Jose Cuervos’lin. Forg asks if they have anything that could help the Assblasters defeat the devils. Squander brings out a holy white sword that he says his deceased brother, Gonzago, the former marquis, had commissioned so that he could fight the devils himself. Squander then leads them to the town’s temple to the Elven pantheon. The priest, friar Tabbott, is clearly woken by them as he greets them in his night clothes and gives them two wineskins full of holy water. The Assblasters then rest up to prepare for their journey to Hell. When they awaken, Squander leads them through the dead forest beyond Jose Cuervos’lin and takes them to a cave that looks like a skull. In the mouth is a fiery portal. After failing to persuade Squander to come with them, the group bids farewell to Squander, Crate, Martha, and Winston as they enter the portal.

 

S2 Episode 29 – Of Course I’m Still Naked!

Posted on September 1, 2017

The episode is the first of two Christmas-themed episodes. It begins with a flashback to the journey through the dead forest to the Hellmouth. Squander removes the curse from the potions that had been given to the Assblasters. He explains that there was a tracking spell on the potions, which was how the chain devil found his victims. Squander takes a drink from his wineskin before realizing that he accidentally switched his wineskin with one of the wineskins filled with holy water. He switches it back for his own and reveals to the group that there are 9 levels to Hell, but he believes that their adversary resides on the first one. If they find the lord’s palace, that should be where Sapodia is. He also warns them that, if they die, their souls will be trapped in Hell forever. The Assblasters then go through the portal and enter Hell. They arrive in a dark cave with blood dripping from the ceiling. Forg’s new holy blade whispers in the back of his mind, telling him to say the words “Kerith Aure,” which is apparently the name of his new sword. He says the word and it begins glowing brightly, illuminating the cave. As they walk through the cave, Lil Justice hears a gruff voice in his head asking him what he is doing in Hell. L.A.Z.H.O.R. feels left out when he realizes that he is the only one who isn’t hearing voices in his head. He tries adjusting his circuits until he hears the deep voice of a crying child and feels relieved. As they exit the cave, it becomes apparent that all of them can hear the crying voice. As they exit the cave, they see a town of devils that looks like Venice if the streets were made of Lava instead of water. Next to the town is a mountain of skulls and beyond both is a giant iron wall covered with spikes and impaled corpses. The group looks to the side and they see the crying devil child who they  heard earlier. The child sobs about losing his sacrifice, saying that “Bloodmas” is tonight. The group approaches him and asks him to elaborate. They see that the crying child has a bright red nose and he introduces himself as Reedolph. He says that there is a prophecy stating that the devils would get their wings if they offer the EndSeeker’s skull beneath the tree of blades. A “bad man” with a red and white striped cane apparently stole the EndSeeker’s skull from them and took it with him to his home on the mountain of skulls. The devils aren’t supposed to set foot on the mountain or they believe that they will be taken by D’Jay’Kaled. The Assblasters agree to help him retrieve the EndSeeker’s skull in exchange for him flying them over the wall when he gets his wings. Then, they head to the devil town, sneaking up in case the devils are hostile. As they approach, the puzzle box falls out of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s compartment and their old companion, Thediem (Frankie) reappears from out of the puzzle box completely nude. The devils draw their weapons and prepare for battle. Never having seen Thediem before, Lil Justice becomes convinced that he is an enemy and attempts to come out from hiding to attack him. Forg tries to stop him, so Avi and Dax have to roll a strength contest to decide who succeeds. They both roll critical failures and thus, Forg and Lil Justice fall to the ground in their struggle and both of their pants fall down. The devils ask if this group is friend or foe and Thediem replies that he isn’t looking for a fight. After a persuasion roll, the devils seem like they are about to attack the group, but are held back by one devil who seems enamored of the fully nude Thediem. This devil encourages them to get in the Bloodmas spirit and reminds them that they are sworn not to attack outsiders who aren’t hostile to them. He leads them around the town and welcomes them to the town of Eeville. There are horrible, hellish decorations and streamers all over the town. He leads them to a feast where they are eating infernal foods. Lil Justice tries the beer and it somehow makes him more sober. He begins hearing the gruff voice in his head once more and decides to go outside to get some fresh air. Having confirmed Reedolph’s story, the group heads off to the mountain of skulls. They meet up with Lil Justice and begin their climb up the mountain of skulls.

 

S2 Episode 30 – Keep the Blood in Bloodmas

Posted on September 13, 2017

The second part of our Christmas session. The Assblasters climb the mountain of skulls to confront the man who stole the Endseeker’s skull from the town of Eeville. As they climb, skeletal limbs reach out and try to grab them, but they manage to avoid the limbs. When they get toward the summit, they see a cave in the mountain and they hear a man talking to himself inside. They approach the man to discover a charred bard who speaks only in rhymes. The bard explains to our heroes that, if the devils down in Eeville are allowed to celebrate Bloodmas, then they will get their wings and D’Jay’Kaled will enslave them. Upon discovering the truth, the Assblasters decide that the right course of action is to help him stop the celebration. He explains that the guards of Eeville dress wear red coats and hats with white fur lining (santa outfits). He gives the group their own guard outfits to act as disguises and gives them the names of the devils with the best sacrifices. Thediem goes to Reedolph to take his bat heart. He fails to convince Reedolph to give it to him, so he knocks out Reedolph and takes it. Lil Justice tricks a guard to go out into the middle of nowhere, then tries to knock him out from behind, but fails and fights the guard while the guard calls for reinforcements. Lil Justice manages to defeat him and take his sacrifice, escaping before the other guards arrive. Forg and L.A.Z.H.O.R. sneak into individual homes in a Grinch-like manner to steal the remaining sacrifices. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is stopped by a little devil girl who he convinces to go back to bed as he sings a song about how much he loves stealing. The group then returns to the mountain, where they give the remaining sacrifices to the bard. The bard uses his magical red and white striped cane (the “Cane of Kan’dai”) to fly them to the top of the iron wall so that they can continue their quest. As he flies them over the city, it is the stroke of midnight and he can hear the devils crying out “This is the worst Bloodmas ever!” They all sob and fail to get their wings as the Assblasters soar overhead and the devils vow never to forgive them for their betrayal.

 

S2 Episode 31 – The Essence of Comedy is SPEED!

Posted on September 20, 2017

The Assblasters look out from atop the wall and see legions of devils training beneath them among spiked devil barracks and buildings. Then, one of the structures that they previously thought was a building gets up and begins to move. For the first time, they see the 100ft tall devil lord, D’Jay’Kaled. He sees his troops doing training exercises and he commands, “Another one!” He then heads back toward his enormous palace in the distance. The group watches the training 700 feet below and is able to determine the ranking of the devils. The ones that can cast magic seem to be higher up in their military rankings. The group then goes into a tunnel in a nearby cliff face that connects to the wall and they begin to descend the sloped cavern to get to the bottom. Midway through the tunnel, they hear devils speaking in their Infernal language. Thediem is able to interpret that they are talking about D’Jay’Kaled finally getting the last sacrifice and that he will enact his plan in the morning. Since they can tell that the devils are eating at a campfire, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his prestidigitation cantrip to turn their fire green and he attempts to imitate D’Jay’Kaled to scare them away. He fails to convince them and they grab their weapons and shields. The devils turn the corner to see the Assblasters as they form a shield wall with large metal shields that cover their entire bodies, except for a hole that they can stab the spear through. After rolling a natural 20 critical hit, Lil Justice is able to successfully grab one of their spears, pull the devil’s arm through the spear hold and then chop the arm off with his scorpion greataxe, instantly killing the devil. Thediem creates a bat companion and uses it to distract one of the devils while Forg frontflips over them and cuts one in half. His holy blade, Kerith Aure, glows and does double damage to devils, causing the devill to disintegrate upon its death. The final devil is easily dispatched by a laser blast from L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the group heads to the exit of the cave. They find themselves at the bottom of the cave, looking out at a vast desert.

 

S2 Episode 32 – Hell Is Other Rappers

Posted on September 27, 2017

As the group stands before the deserts of Hell, Forg’s sword speaks to him once more and identifies itself as the trapped spirit of the former Marquis, Gonzago. Gonzago says that he can tell that Forg is a good person and worthy of wielding him. He promises to offer his strength to Forg. As they walk into the desert, they see a large bat perched on a dead tree. Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to talk to the bat, who introduces itself as “Al Dente”.  Al Dente informs them that they will need to go to D’Jay’Kaled’s palace of S’xess if they want to retrieve their friend, but the Keys to S’xess would be found in the castle of the Dark Wizard, Khalifa. The castle lies on the other side of the desert and its outer layer is made entirely of bees. The bat warns them of the Nightmare Rider that patrols the desert, but its warning is too late as a devil riding a Nightmare (an infernal horse with flaming hooves and mane). The Nightmare Rider calls them insects and maggots. As he prepares to attack, L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to pre-empt him, but the devil uses his black scimitars to reflect L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s laser beam back at L.A.Z.H.O.R. The Nightmare Rider also reflects Lil Justice’s javelin. It quickly becomes clear that projectiles are no use against the Nightmare Rider.  Lil Justice attempts to attack the rider’s steed, but as he wounds it, fire blasts from the wound, hurting Lil Justice. Just as things seem bleakest, they hear footsteps coming from the cave behind them. They turn to see that it is their little corgi companion, Winston. As the Nightmare Rider charges, he transforms into his Direcorgi form, briefly chasing away the Nightmare. Winston tells Lil Justice that he was worried that Lil Justice was in danger. Winston was inspired by Lil Justice previously rushing into danger to rescue him, so he vowed to do the same, because he didn’t want to be a “prick” like his former fairy master.  Lil Justice hops on the direcorgi’s back and rides against the Nightmare Rider, wounding his steed. Forg uses his holy blade to split the Nightmare in two, causing it to explode and unhorsing the Nightmare Rider. The Nightmare Rider calls for minions to attack as imps crawl up from cracks in the ground and the imps charge at the Assblasters.

 

S2 Episode 33 – Hangin’ With Mr. Brexit

Posted on October 3, 2017

Just as they thought that they had weakened the Nightmare Rider, he sends his horde of imp minions at them as well as combining his black scimitars to make one double-bladed weapon and unleashing black flame attacks at them. Forg is quickly overpowered and nearly killed. As the Nightmare Rider prepares to strike a fatal blow to him, his sword speaks to him and asks him to use it to block. He places the sword in front of him and it glows with a white light, blocking the attack, but causing the sword to shatter. Weaponless, Forg retreats and calls to L.A.Z.H.O.R. for his old sword. Lil Justice comes charging in on the direcorgi, Winston, crashing through three imps on his way. He quickly recognizes the danger and hops off of Winston for fear that his steed would be attacked. He attempts to fight the Nightmare Rider, but is also quickly overpowered. L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws Forg his sword, but accidentally throws it way too hard at Forg’s face. Successfully rolling higher than Andy in a strength check, Forg is able to dodge the sword and grab it out of the air. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then blasts three imps as one of the imps jumps on his shoulders and starts stabbing at his neck. Meanwhile, Lil Justice falls to his knees from his wounds sustained by the Nightmare Rider. He calls out for Winston to get him as the Nightmare Rider gathers black flame around his blade and goes for a killing blow. Seeing his companion in danger, Winston jumps in the way, causing the blade severs his front right leg off and cuts into his chest. Seeing the wounded Winston, Forg hears the shard of his shattered blade whispering to him. It begs him to stab it through the Nightmare Rider’s heart. Forg leaps heroically at the devil. As he leaps, he hears Gonzago’s voice coming from the blade. Gonzago begs him to tell the current marquis that he is proud of him and to tell Squander that he forgives him. Forg stabs the blade shard through the Nightmare Rider’s chest. The devil demands to know how he could be defeated by an ‘insect’. Forg twists the blade and replies, “I’m not an insect. I’m a frog.” With the Nightmare Rider defeated, the remaining imps flee. They bandage Winston’s wounds, but recognize that he will die if he doesn’t receive medical treatment soon. Forg picks up the devil’s black scimitar and feels power coursing through his veins. Lil Justice begs him to leave the blade, saying that he has seen a man corrupted by an infernal blade before. Forg feels that Lil Justice is jealous of his blade, but this feeling convinces him that the sword is evil and he drops it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to take it, but Lil Justice convinces him to drop it as well. As he begins to hear the gruff voice in his head once more, Lil Justice grabs throws his scorpion axe on the ground and tries to destroy it, fearing that his magical blade might also be corrupting him. His friends manage to stop him from destroying the scorpion axe and L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts it in his compartment, but Lil Justice chooses to use his mundane greataxe, Mosnat Gash, even though it will put him at a disadvantage. The group then heads off to walk through the desert and get to the castle of the Wizard Khalifa to get the keys to S’xess, while also hoping that there will be potions there that can save Winston’s life before he succumbs to his wounds.

 

S2 Episode 34 – Columbus Day Assblast

Posted on October 10, 2017

The Assblasters walk through the desert and find themselves standing before the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s castle of bees. They see the bat, Al Dente, perched on top of it and he swoops down to greet them. Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to discover that Khalifa hasn’t been seen in some time, but his guardian, Tupac Shakur, is still inside. The guardian is allegedly undefeatable and they are warned against confronting him. Suddenly, the puzzle box begins to shake and Thediem appears from out of it once more. He looks around and sees that Lil Justice is carrying the dying Winston. They explain to him that Winston was their steed and is capable of growing to the size of a bear, so Thediem decides to use his shadow magic to heal Winston. He is unable to restore Winston’s lost leg, but he does close the wounds and stop the bleeding. The group then hears a large number of devils marching toward them, so they hide inside of Khalifa’s castle. Inside, they find a suit of armor with an inscription that it was for “Sir Suge the Knight.” Then, they find a small work room that contains mana potions. They head down the stairway beyond to find a subterranean coliseum room with pillars in a circular pattern around the edges of the room. On the other side of the room is a door guarded by a 15 ft tall devil with four arms a bull’s head. The devil raises its arms, causing the torches in the room to light and a trap door behind them to close, locking them in the room. They try to talk to him and nearly persuade him not to attack, but then he sees L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm and says that L.A.ZH.O.R. “shouldn’t have left.” He blasts them with 4 fireballs and they try to fight back, but Tupac casts Hellish Rebuke as a counter any time that they hit him. They quickly realize that they are taking more damage than he is and they can’t beat him in a straightforward battle. Forg and Thediem try to attack him head on while Lil Justice and L.A.Z.H.O.R. hide behind pillars. Thediem is quickly forced to retreat behind a pillar as well, leaving Forg desperately dodging attacks as he distracts Tupac. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his scorpion laser ability to plant multiple mines on the devil. After planting three mines, the group does a canon dice roll to make it canon that devils have 3 nipples, with one on their foreheads, so that he can place one mine on each nipple. As L.A.Z.H.O.R. plants his mines, Lil Justice begins tearing down one of the pillars so that he can knock it down on top of their opponent. Forg and Thediem both trick him into attacking different parts of the pillar. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finally detonates his mines, causing massive damage to the devil and bringing him to one knee as Lil Justice goes into a rage, using his herculean strength to topple the pillar and crush Tupac Shakur, claiming victory for the Assblasters. The group grabs the now-conscious Winston and open the door to Khalifa’s laboratory.

 

S2 Episode 35 – Where the Rules Are Made Up & Alignment Doesn’t Matter

Posted on October 17, 2017

The group moves past the corpse of Tupac Shakur and head into the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s laboratory. They are immediately greeted by a hologram of Tupac, but realize that it isn’t capable of hurting them, so they walk right past it. They examine the laboratory and see that it seems to have been mostly torn apart in some kind of struggle. Winston starts borking at some rubble, so Lil Justice puts him down, but he doesn’t understand that he only has 3 legs, so he just tips over and spins on the ground in circles for a while as Lil Justice examines the rubble. Buried within the rubble, he finds a giant 2 foot-long golden key to the palace of S’xess and gives it to L.A.Z.H.O.R. to hold in his compartment. Upon touching the key, L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon turns into a new configuration. It turns green and starts projecting an image onto the wall in front of L.A.Z.H.O.R. The video projected on the wall shows a view from L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s perspective. L.A.Z.H.O.R. looked at the Dark Wizard Khalifa, a devil man wearing L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s hat, who says that the cyborg has made some kind of deal with this devil and that Khalifa has turned him into a weapon to be used by Malexxis (the warlock from season 1 who led the Sons of the Scourge). When he is unable to remember his own name, Khalifa calls him “lazor,” which he says means “weapon” in the old tongue. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is unsatisfied when he realizes that the letters don’t stand for anything, so he decides he will turn it into an anagram. Then, rather than going through the portal as commanded, L.A.Z.H.O.R. rejects the order and attempts to shoot Khalifa, who says that the “little witch” must have changed his programming. Khalifa then responds by setting L.A.Z.H.O.R. on fire. The image then becomes corrupted and stops playing. L.A.Z.H.O.R. insists that they probably shouldn’t think too much about what they just saw and he decides to drink his mana potion. They continue through a burnt out dead woods toward the Palace of S’xess, encounter Aldente the bat, who uses his sonar help them avoid more devils in the woods. As they get close to the palace, they encounter a bunch of damned souls being used as slaves, pushing minecarts. They see a devil slavemaster beating one of the slaves, who still seems to be alive. They begin arguing over whether they should help the living slave and L.A.Z.H.O.R. ends the argument by shooting the slave master through the chest. When they go to help the living slave to his feet, they recognize him as Grallic, the slave salesman who they had met in the capital city.

 

S2 Episode 36 – Is This a Rescue Mission Right Now?

Posted on October 25, 2017

The group discuss their friend Biclops. Joe reveals that he had initially planned for Biclops to be a two-eyed cyclops, but decided against it. Andy rolls canon dice to determine that Biclops wears glasses (or a single ‘glass’) and he is called Biclops as an insult in the way that one would could someone with glasses “four eyes.” Grallic, the slave salesman explains that his slaves rebelled and had cast a dark ritual to have him pulled to Hell while he was still alive. The Assblasters allow him to leave with his life once he promises that he won’t go back to selling slaves upon his return. Aldente then leads them to the Palace of S’xess where they use the key to S’xess and are led to the mindcells. In the mindcells, they see Sapodia and 12 other mages strung up from chains and forced to watch their own worst moments. They see a halfling who refuses to go to visit his dying father, believing that there will be plenty of other opportunities once he gets better. Then, they look into the pool of water beneath Sapodia and see her worst moments. Her sister was being taken away by a guard who she assaulted to protect her. Sapodia and her sister were both sentenced to exile by the king and Sapodia’s wings were painfully clipped so she could no longer fly. While living in a camp among the exiles, a starving Sapodia tried to return home without her sister, but her sister swore to kill Sapodia if she left without her. Desperate to return home, Sapodia then used a pillow to smother her sister to death in her sleep. Unable to watch anymore, they begin taking Sapodia down from the chains that suspend her over the pool. Before they can, Winston borks three times and they are attacked by 2Chainz, who promises to finish them off this time.

 

S2 Episode 37 – Frogs Gone Wild

Posted on October 31, 2017

Because the episode was recorded on Mardi Gras, the group rolls their canon dice to determine that 2Chainz’s chains are actually giant strings of purple, yellow, and green Mardi Gras beads. When he attacks with them, his attacks causes energy to explode the armor off of their chests, lowering their AC. The Assblasters begin a long battle against 2Chainz. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries attacking the red, floating crystal, but his lazhor blast is deflected into the chains of one of the thirteen prisoners. Realizing that 2Chainz is too powerful for them to defeat by themselves, they begin freeing the prisoners, hoping that it will at least stop D’Jay’Kaled’s plan and prevent them from being sacrificed. As Lil Justice seems to be losing, 2Chainz is suddenly hit by a beam of energy from behind and it seems that one of the prisoners, an Elven wizard named Vaerog (played by Niccolo) is helping them. After a hard battle, Lil Justice is nearly knocked unconscious, but sees a vision from his past of his grandfather telling him, “One day, I will tell you why we do not hunt the bear.” He then sees his bear spirit and it gives him strength as he rises to his feet. Forg calls out for L.A.Z.H.O.R. to throw Lil Justice’s scorpion axe to him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws too hard and almost hurts Forg with it, but Forg manages to catch it at the last second. Forg trades places with Lil Justice and uses the scorpion axe to fight 2Chainz. As Forg is fighting for his life, Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. have a polite conversation and casually break the chains of some remaining prisoners. Forg is also quickly overpowered and, just when things seem hopeless, L.A.Z.H.O.R. runs straight at 2Chainz and surprises him by punching him and blasting his lazhor cannon at point blank range, doing massive damage. The victory is short lived as 2Chainz counter-attacks and nearly kills L.A.Z.H.O.R. with one hit. Before the fight can go on any longer, the final prisoner is freed. They hear the voice of D’Jay’Kaled, who scolds 2Chainz for failing him. 2Chainz calls them fools and says that they’ll all be sacrificed now. The room begins to fill with electricity as D’Jay’Kaled’s voice is heard saying, “Congratulations. You just played yourselves!”

 

S2 Episode 38 – Mr. Steal Yo Dice

Posted on November 7, 2017

L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws the wineskin of holy water at the red crystal, causing black smoke to rise off of it. It lets off electricity that begins draining everyone in the room, but then the mysterious puzzle box appears on the ground and absorbs the lightning. A beam of energy shoots into the ceiling and they can see in the image on the ceiling of the capital city with the green energy bubble above it is struck by the red energy beam and the green bubble evaporates. The red crystal then floats back down to the middle podium. L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes over and picks it up and miraculously isn’t turned to ash like 2Chainz was. He then sees an aura coming off of 2Chainz’s ashes. He places his lazhor cannon against it and absorbs the aura, allowing his arm cannon to turn into a yellow, purple, and green hookshot. He uses it to pull himself around the room as the others gather everyone in one spot. Lil Justice says goodbye to their bat friend Aldente and they grab onto the crystal together. It transports them to the kitchen of the Marquis’ castle in Jose Cuervos’lin, where Crate and the Marquis are. Crate demands to knock what happened to Winston’s paw. She comforts the now small Direcorgi and tells him that he is special like her now, since they are both missing a limb. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. smashes his “MF Like Button,” which causes celebration music to play. The group goes into the dining hall and sees that Squander is using his magic to fight off dozens of devils. He quickly dispatches them and tells the group that the devil army has been unleashed on the material plane and they are being led by an enormous devil lord who fits the description of D’Jay’Kaled himself. Squander warps them to Lady Ellary’s temple, saying that she is the only one who can cast the Forbiddance spell to banish them now. As they arrive, they see that it is on fire and partially destroyed. They enter to find Lady Ellary fighting a dozen devils herself. She quickly dispatches of them and puts out the fire. The group tells her what they know and she asks them to come with her and help protect her as she casts the forbiddance spell over the city. She then heals them up and gives them back their spell slots. Ellary recognizes the broken white sword at Forg’s side as Kerith Aure and she uses her magic to fix it for him. The dwarven boy who stays with her threatens to write a letter to the Dwarven king if she leaves the temple. She tells him to go ahead and that he can show his letter to the devils when more show up. The boy promises not to write any letters as long as Ellary keeps him safe. She then warps the group to the outskirts of the capital city and they prepare for battle. Having been healed by Ellary, the group has now moved up to level 5.

 

S2 Episode 39 – One Small Step for Man & One Giant Leap for Devils

Posted on November 14, 2017

Niccolo rolls canon dice to try to make it that everyone in the world secretly wants to be turned into gas, so that he can take advantage of the Gaseous Form spell. With a roll of 12, it is determined that more people want to be turned into gas than one would reasonably expect. Lady Ellary informs the group that she needs to get the ruby from the king regent’s crown as a component in order to cast the Forbiddance spell. She needs the Assblasters to protect them while she gets there and casts it. If she fails to cast the spell, then she intends to remove the enchantments that keep the city floating, which would drop it into the chasm below, killing everyone in the city, but also hopefully also killing D’Jay’Kaled and blocking the path of the devil army. While they are discussing this, they can see that the bridge to the city is covered in devils. Winston grows to full Direcorgi size and bowls them all over, knocking them into the chasm and clearing a path. The Assblasters then head inside and are confronted by the Rough Riders, the companions of the now-deceased Nightmare Rider. Their leader is wielding the Nightmare Rider’s black blades. L.A.Z.H.O.R. immediately blasts one of them off of a balcony and the others are dispatched by the Assblasters. They then get on the elevator to go to the top level where the king regent resides. As they are about to go up, the bottom level of the floating city collapses and D’Jay’Kaled begins climbing inside the city.

 

S2 Episode 40 – Me and an Unjust God

Posted on November 21, 2017

Forg attempts to pick up the Nightmare Rider’s black blades. He immediately becomes distrusting of his friends and realizes that the sword is manipulating his thoughts, but he can’t bring himself to throw it away. Lady Ellary helps him break the spell and he throws the sword down at D’Jay’Kaled, scratching him as it falls into the chasm below. They ride the elevator up as they attack down at him but quickly realize that he is unphased by their attacks, so they are forced to get creative. They begin attacking the balconies in order to weaken his handholds. Vaerog creates an illusion of Lady Ellary to distract him. They successfully cause some of the ledges to collapse as he climbs them, slowing his ascent. L.A.Z.H.O.R. magically amplifies his voice and calls out to the city for their assistance. He successfully gets dozens of citizens to come to the balconies and begin throwing things at D’Jay’Kaled until the devil lord bewitches the people to make them all raise their arms in the air. When they get to the king regent’s chambers at the top, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his hookshot to grab the king regent’s crown off of his head as Lady Ellary uses the ruby in it as a component for the Forbiddance spell. Then, they drop one of the magically floating elevators and a statue onto him. As D’Jay’Kaled makes it to the top, it is apparent that they will not have enough time to finish the spell if they cannot stall him more. L.A.Z.H.O.R. says that he considers his fellow adventurers to be his friends and then heroically leaps off the edge, launching his hookshot into D’Jay’Kaled’s hand and using his weight to pull it off of the ledge. The devil lord falls down one level and then angrily throws L.A.Z.H.O.R. into the chasm below. Inspired by L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s sacrifice, Forg leaps off of the top level and lands directly on D’Jay’Kaled’s right eye, stabbing it repeatedly before jumping off onto a ledge. Suddenly, as L.A.Z.H.O.R. is falling, a jetpack emerges from his back and he flies up to the top level. When asked why he hadn’t revealed that he could fly, he says, “literally no one asked.” The final battle begins as D’Jay’Kaled makes his way up to the top floor.

 

S2 Episode 41 – We’re Not Heroes. We’re Assblasters!

Posted on November 28, 2017

The Assblasters and the king regent attack D’Jay’Kaled with everything that they have in order to keep him from attacking Lady Ellary before she can finish casting the Forbiddance spell. They focus on attacking the devil lord’s hands, hoping to weaken his grip and cause him to fall. Lady Ellary blasts him with a pillar of white flame that burns the nipple off of his forehead, leaving a circle of ash in its place. D’Jay’Kaled destroys the roof of the city, exposing the eclipsed sun and showing his devil army standing at the edge of the city, waiting for him to destroy Ellary so they could mark forward. The people trapped on lower levels watch the battle and cheer for the Assblasters, helpless to do anything else. Lil Justice throws Forg at D’Jay’Kaled’s head and Forg manages to cut off his left horn. He breathes fire on the whole group, completely destroying the king regent and Vaerog, but Lady Ellary heals them right as they are burnt, allowing them to stay alive. She then finally casts the forbiddance spell, obliterating the entire devil army and blasting D’Jay’Kaled into the chasm below. As he falls, he grabs Lady Ellary in one hand the king regent in the other. Vaerog leaps onto one hand and turns the king regent into gas so he safely floats out between the devil lord’s fingers while Lil Justice cuts Lady Ellary free. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then blows off D’Jay’Kaled’s left thumb as he falls into the chasm below, cursing the Assblasters loudly. L.A.Z.H.O.R. smashes his “MF Like Button”, causing celebration music to play and noticing the devil lord’s enormous horn that Forg had cut off. He remembers that, in ancient times, people would burn devil horn as a form of celebration. He transforms his arm cannon into the fire attachment and lights the horn on fire, causing it to burn and let off a purple haze that spreads throughout the entire city, causing everyone in the city to begin a powerful days-long acid trip.

 

S2 Episode 42 – Satan Staycation

Posted on December 5, 2017

The Assblasters awaken 24 hours after defeating D’Jay’Kaled with fuzzy memories. Lady Ellary reveals that devil lords like D’Jay’Kaled can’t be killed in the mortal realm, because it will just cause their physical form to turn to stone as he is banished back to Hell. They all remember the high priestess used astral projection to fly them to the bottom of the chasm, showing them the statuesque stone remains of the devil lord reaching upward toward the floating city above. She then flew them through Hell, where they see that the city of Eeville has put up signs saying that they will kill outsiders on sight. The devil citizens all have deformed wing bones painfully sprouting from their backs and they are burning effigies of the Assblasters, who they now hate for ruining Bloodmas. Then, they were taken to the caste of the dark wizard, Khalifa, where it is revealed the Tupac Shakur is still alive and he declares that he will never die before they are warped back to the material plane. In the present time, the Assblasters also have a new companion, Bradperson (played by guest player, Max), the Aarakocra warlock who looks like an eagle person. As far as they can all remember, he has been with them the whole time and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is even convinced that they went to Hell for the sole purpose of saving Bradperson. Lady Ellary offers herself up for punishment for violating her imprisonment and leaving her temple. The king regent agrees to pardon her and writes a letter saying that he had requested her assistance. The king regent thanks Vaerog for saving him and asks if Vaerog would be interested in a royal position that involves turning him to gas again occasionally, because he found the experience transcendent. Vaerog says that he will consider it in the future, but turns Praxis into gas in exchange for access to the royal library. Now that they finally have a moment’s respite, Lil Justice chooses to help the people bury their dead and rebuild, before training Winston and Martha to respond to orcish commands. He teaches them “Rrau” means “sit.” It makes Martha sit and makes Winston lay down. “Vrapog” means “run” and they both learn it successfully. “Inras” means “attack”which makes Martha bite and makes Winston do an odd sort of body slam. Vaerog and Bradperson spend the day reading. Forg spends the morning helping the people rebuild the city and bury their dead before spending  the evening at a bar, where he is later joined by Bradperson and Lil Justice. L.A.Z.H.O.R. spends the entire day standing on a floating platform in the center of the city defragmenting while frozen in a dabbing position. The drunken Forg aims to get into a fight, but nobody wants to fight the man who just saved their city. The citizens push forward the only person who suggests worshipping D’Jay’Kaled and Forg beats him up. Lil Justice celebrates by throwing a javelin through the dart board, destroying it. Then, they all head back to royal sleeping quarters provided for them by the king regent. Lil Justice brings two elven women with him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. breaks through the door to his room by walking right through it and then falls asleep standing up. Forg is too drunk to make it to the bed, so he passes out on the floor. The others have a nice sleep. Then, in the middle of the night, Bradperson wakes up to use the privy. On his way back, he sees that the torches have been blown out and two shadowy figures with knives are entering Forg and L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s rooms.

 

S2 Episode 43 – I Dream of Benis

Posted on December 12, 2017

During the episode recap, Joe makes the mistake of asking Niccolo what his character, Vaerog, had been reading about during the previous episode. Niccolo says that Vaerog read about the tale of Benis, the dwarf sorcerer, who lived in a time before villages were connected by roads. Benis apparently saved the villages from ocean drakes by using a spell to summon storms and turn them away. Benis was known for carrying a magical rod, the Rod of Benis, but the stories were warped over the course of time and the true owner of the rod was actually an Elven mage named Pallsac. When the Dwarves conquered the Elves, they erased Pallsac from their history books and Benis got all the credit. Meanwhile, in the present time, Bradperson (played by guest player, Max) approaches the rooms and sees that one of the assassins is a drow monk and the other is a human rogue. The monk goes after L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the rogue goes after Forg. Bradperson rushes to help Forg and casts phantasmal force, creating an illusion of Sapodia and making her attack the rogue. The rogue fights back, but the scuffle causes Forg to awaken and knock out the rogue with a slash of his sword. Meanwhile, the monk attempts to assassinate L.A.Z.H.O.R., but wasn’t prepared to encounter a cyborg. As his knife enters L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s neck, it is obstructed by some gears and he fails to kill L.A.Z.H.O.R., who then wakes up and begins attacking the monk. Seeing that his partner has been defeated, the monk melts into the shadows and runs away, performing a slow fall through the center of the city and leaving through the main gates. The team then ties up the unconscious rogue as a guard comes in to investigate. The guard explains that the assassins are infamous in the area. The pair are known as Peace and Quiet (Peace is the monk and Quiet is the rogue) and they are generally contracted for political assassinations. The Assblasters request that they be allowed to interrogate Quiet themselves. They are allowed to take him to an empty cell in the city’s prison. When he wakes up, Lil Justice immediately rolls a natural 20 on an intimidation check, causing Quiet to be scared into admitting that him and his partner were hired by Lord Durian, the king of the bird people and the one who had initially sent them on the quest. Apparently, Lord Durian was hoping to get rid of them before he would have to pay them their reward. He refuses to give up the location of his partner, but promises to call off the assassination if they allow him to leave. L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to trust him and blows a hole in the wall for him to escape. He immediately runs out the hole and climbs his way out, but was so scared by Lil Justice that he apparently crapped his pants. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his thaumaturgy to amplify the sound of him crapping himself as he leaps away. Bradperson decides that he doesn’t trust the assassin to keep his word, so he vows to fly after him and keep an eye on the assassins. He bids a tearful farewell to his companions  as Vaerog declares him the closest thing to a friend that he has ever had. Then, he flies off into the sunset as L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if anybody actually knew who Bradperson was.

 

S2 Episode 44 – You Pay With Hamsters

Posted on December 20, 2017

Having taken a substantial break from playing, Joe the DM offers a point of inspiration to anyone who can correctly list all the items in their inventory. Dax/Lil Justice is the only one who earns a point of inspiration. L.A.Z.H.O.R. wakes up in the morning to see the cylindrical rainbow barrier around the sacred forest outside of his window. He goes into the hall and sees his companions. They are greeted by Crate and Winston. Crate reveals that she smithed a new breastplate for Forg, using the obsidian claw of D’Jay’Kaled that was left behind when L.A.Z.H.O.R. blew off his thumb. Forg accepts it and she tells him that it will give him resistance to fire damage. She says that she also made a metal prosthetic leg for Winston, but he refuses to use it and seems to prefer his makeshift slinky leg. The King Regent then shows up and tells the Assblasters that the city will be throwing a feast in their honor today. First, he takes them out to show them the gilded chariot that was made for them and specially designed to allow Winston to pull it. As he is showing it to them, the deep gnome Stelwik Businessperson, shows up and becomes furious upon seeing that the city has been partially destroyed and the king regent no longer has money to pay him for his crown. The crown would have sold for $5,000 gold, which is the exact amount that is inside the gilded chariot as a gift for the Assblasters. The group discusses and decides to purchase the crown from Stelwik for $2,000 gold. He begrudgingly agrees, having no other options. Then, they go inside the city and the feast begins. The king regent also honors two of the city’s own heroes, Armstrong Dickstrong the elf (who they previously met at the all-male brothel) and Mr. Bucket the halfling. As the group is about to eat, the food on their plates turns to ash and the wine in their cups turns to blood. Lady Ellary bursts into the room and warns them that today is the day of prophecy: Black Friday. The Assblasters are aware the Black Friday is the first sign of the apocalypse; however, they also know that the gods will be offering unbeatable Black Friday deals on magic items today. Apparently, the Black Friday prophecy said that the other signs of the apocalypse were that fire will rain from the sky, a tower will shoot up from the ground connecting the land and the sky, a beast with 10 horns will rise from the sea, brother will fight against brother, and then man will look upon the gods and death shall be upon them. With that, the heroes head out to the sacred forest, where it is predicted that the rainbow barrier around the sacred forest will come down and a divine messenger will appear. Lil Justice tries to remember what he knows about the sacred forest and recalls that there are legends that it contains nymphs and anyone who lays with a nymph will gain incredible strength. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to walk through the barrier, but is blasted back by it and takes some damage. Then, a cubical prism of rainbow light descends from the sky. Out of it, a 20 foot tall red fire-breathing salamander walks out. He introduces himself as the Salarymander and explains that the gods are holding a contest and will give magic items to anyone who can catch a sacred golden hamster. Anyone who kills a hamster will be safely (but dishonorably) warped out of the forest. As he is explaining, many other adventurers are showing up and lining up outside of the forest. The king regent comes up to them and shows them the city’s map of the sacred forest so that they will know the best places to find hamsters. The group then sees a goliath female in magic armor fly in and land close to them. A dark-skinned wood elf male sees that she is exhausted from flying, so he gives her a mana potion. She tells him that she has a boyfriend, but he insists that he was just honoring a fellow warrior. She thanks the knight, but he simply responds, “I’m not a knight. I’m a patrolmen.” The wood elf then goes over to the Salarymander and warns the divine being that a foul beast has invaded the forest. He says that he has no interest in the contest, but that he is here to hunt the beast. The Salarymander allows this and then finally lowers the barrier to the sacred forest as all of the contestants begin to run inside.

 

S2 Episode 45 – Strength & Booty

Posted on December 27, 2017

The group discusses whether or not the hamsters should instead be hand turkeys in order to fit the Thanksgiving theme. They attempt to roll canon dice on this, but fail the roll, so it is decided that the hamsters are instead wearing costumes to make them look like “foot chickens” (the opposite of hand turkeys). The group then splits up and goes to the different places on the map based on which area suits them best. Forg goes for the swampy marshes that are full of frogs and mosquitoes. As he goes through, he encounters a large 2 foot wide frog and he finds himself surrounded by other frogs who were apparently expecting him. The forest is shaped like a target with an island in the center surrounded by cliffs. L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies to this island and sees an old, fat hamster. He rolls poorly on a wisdom roll to see how much he knows about how tough these hamsters are, so he thinks that it will survive a shot from his hookshot. He attempts to shoot it and just as his hookshot is about to hit, we switch to Vaerog’s perspective. Vaerog heads to the northern part of the forest, known as the gaseous wastes. He uses the gaseous form spell to transform himself into gas in order to get close to the hamsters, but is surprised as two familiar figures appear in the forest behind him. One lets out an unintelligible battlecry and releases a strong gust of wind that blows him away. The perspective switches to Lil Justice, who is headed toward a waterfall surrounded by boulders under which the hamsters apparently burrow. On his way, Winston sees a limping hamster and manages to catch it, but accidentally kills it in the process. Winston the direcorgi is then surrounded by a golden light that lifts him into the air and warps him safely outside of the forest. Lil Justice then hears the sound of a beautiful song and follows the sound to the waterfall where he sees a nymph bathing. Meanwhile, Forg is surrounded by the frogs who all begin to worship him and call him the “chosen one.” Unable to convince them that he isn’t their chosen one, Forg asks for their help in catching a hamster. They take him to the river where they attempt to frogpile onto a hamster, but fail to catch one. Forg then gets mad and leaves the forest with two middle fingers in the air as he is followed by ten frogs who only he can understand. As that happens, L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to hookshot his own hamster, but the female goliath uses her magical lion breastplate to create a black hole which sucks the hamster to her. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to trap a hamster of his own and then attempts to steal one of hers. She briefly talks with L.A.Z.H.O.R., speaking in a mechanical tone similar to his, but warns him that he shouldn’t get too close because she has a boyfriend. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to put her at ease by saying  that he has a boyfriend, too. He introduces himself and she says that her name is M.I.C.A.I.H.A.B. (“the Magic Item Collecting Armored… I Have A Boyfriend”). She then awkwardly flies away. Meanwhile, Vaerog wakes up to see that he had been briefly knocked unconscious and there is a hamster sniffing at his bag. He attempts to use an illusion to seduce it with a female hamster, but it seems to be scared off by the illusion. Before it can escape, he casts a sleep spell on it and manages to capture it. Finally, Lil Justice approaches the bathing nymph in the waterfall. The nymph turns around to reveal that she has puppy dog nose and ears. She is embarrassed at first, but quickly seems intrigued by the mortal who has stumbled upon her. She asks to kiss him and he agrees. As she kisses him, he feels the power being drained from him and loses half of his health. She unhinges her jaw and it becomes apparent that she is a succubus. Before she can finish him off, he is rescued by the dark-skinned wood elf who the group had seen earlier. The wood elf introduces himself as Baegon and says that he is a member of the “Patrol,” an order from the city of Lydas that is dedicated to slaying beasts that take human shape to seduce men and women, such as harpies, succubi, lamia, and sirens. Lil Justice feels compelled to check on the succubus before Bagon frees him from control. As the succubi emerges, it transforms into a swirling mass of tentacles with the likeness of a woman’s torso on top. Bagon tells him to get himself to safety, but he feels the need to repay his debt to Bagon, so the two fight together to defeat the beast. Bagon is knocked unconscious by the creature’s psychic screech, but Lil Justice barely manages to cut into her with his axe and Bagon regains consciousness long enough to help him finish it off. Bagon thanks Lil Justice for his help and offers to help him capture a hamster. Together, they lift a boulder and Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to persuade one of the hamsters to come with him by promising it food. He then rolls a critical failure on what it is that he thinks hamsters eat, so he believes that they eat other hamsters, so he takes the hamster to the corpse of the hamster that Winston had killed earlier. Fortunately, it turns out that this hamster in particular actually is a cannibal, so it is overjoyed to eat another hamster and it agrees to come with him. The group all meets up outside of the forest and presents their hamsters to the Salarymander. He brings them inside of his rainbow cubicle, which looks like a rainbow road surrounded by space and stars inside. For each hamster, the Salarymander offers them a choice of either two random magic items or one of the following: an immovable rod, a gourd that can provide infinite rope from one end or infinite water out of the other, a clasp of truth (any mortal who wears it must speak only the truth), a helm of comprehending languages, a hat of disguise, or a master key that can unlock any non-magically locked door. The group decides that they will all speak about it between sessions and come to a decision at the beginning of the next session.

 

S2 Episode 46 – The War to Come

Posted on January 2, 2018

The Assblasters choose their prizes. Because the episode was recorded after Christmas, Joe the DM offers them an additional potential prize that is a magical mistletoe which will make any two creatures underneath it kiss if they fail a saving throw. The group chooses to take the Immovable Rod and two random prizes. Dax and Niccolo roll for the prizes that their characters won. Lil Justice gets a figurine of wondrous power (silver raven), which will transform into a sentient, obedient raven and allow him to send out messages any time that he wants. Vaerog gets a Pearl of Power, which allows him to regain one spell slot of 3rd or lower level every day. Niccolo decides that the secret command word for his pearl of power is “ADMIN.” The barrier to the sacred forest goes back up and Salarymander floats away into the sky in his rainbow cubicle prism. As they leave, ash begins to fall from the sky and Winston eats a few flakes, believing it to be snow, before coughing them up and attempting to eat more. Bagon says that ash falling from the sky is part of the prophecy of Black Friday. He wishes them farewell and says that he is heading to the coast to get on a ship and hunt down sirens. The Assblasters head back into the capital city, where they finish their feast and ask if anyone knows more about the ash. Nobody seems to know anything, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts on his santa outfit and Forg puts santa hats on every one of his ten frog companions (who are riding on the barrel on his back that he got from Harlow Mountainbrew). The group then receives a request to see the King Regent, Praxis Darkstone, in his chambers. When they arrive, they see the young Marquis of Jose Cuervos’lin sitting outside. Squander the jester is inside with shackles on his hands. The King Regent says that the dwarven king has sent a letter demanding punishment for the one who released D’Jay’Kaled and he thinks it would be fitting for the Assblasters to decide how Squander should be dealt with. The dwarven king has said that he would call for the King Regent’s crown if someone wasn’t punished. The Assblasters make a plan to use the spell “Leomund’s Tiny Hut” to pretend that they are sending Squander to an interdimensional prison for 50 years. Then, they will cast invisibility on him so he can walk free and go back home in disguise. Squander agrees to pay them back for this by advising the young marquis to help them if he can. They set up a public stage in the middle of the floating city and Vaerog casts the spell, Leomund’s Tiny Hut, which surrounds Squander and Vaerog with an opaque magical dome. While inside, Vaerog realizes that he seems to be in some kind of log cabin and that there is a third person in there with them. The third person is a human man who looks at them in shock and says, “Who the f*** are you?!”

 

S2 Episode 47 – As Much as You Want, Sir

Posted on January 9, 2018

Vaerog realizes that something has gone wrong with his spell and, instead of a blank interdimensional space, he and Squander have actually been transported inside the home of a very confused man named Leomund. Vaerog attempts to explain that Squander is a criminal and Vaerog has taken him here for punishment, but this only concerns Leomund more, and he repeatedly urges them to leave his house. Vaerog manages to successfully cast invisibility on Squander and they leave the hut. Vaerog promises it will be better next time he comes back and Leomund yells at him to never come back. With Vaerog and invisible Squander returned to material plane, the people of the city clap, believing that Squander has been banished. Squander sneaks off while invisible as the King Regent thanks them for their help and asks for Vaerog to turn him into gas one more time. Vaerog does so as he bids them farewell. As they are leaving the city, they are confronted by Lady Ellary, who tells them that she knows what they did and she thinks it was kind of them. She is disturbed to learn that Vaerog’s spell took him into someone’s home and she warns them that the barriers between reality seem to be blurring. She wishes them good luck as they leave, getting into the golden chariot as Forg takes the reigns and Winston pulls them back through the plains, past the buttes, and into the Agar Taure. As they go through, they see that some of the trees have red leaves, but others have blue leaves like in the Fey Wild, and even more have purple leaves. As they go through the purple forest, they encounter Robin Goodfellow in the road. The fairy and former master of Winston seems to be down on his luck and ragged, but he looks hopeful on seeing Winston. He berates the Assblasters for causing Winston to lose a leg and for using him to pull their carriage. Robin Goodfellow attempts to convince Winston to be his steed once more. Winston seems to be considering it, but then borks at Robin Goodfellow, knocking him into a tree and pulling the carriage past him as Robin Goodfellow says, “…Did he just call me a prick?…” Inspired by his decision to stay with them, Lil Justice later tells Winston the truth, that Winston isn’t actually a horse. Winston seems very disappointed, but thanks him for telling the truth. They later pass the three goblins who they met the last time that they went to the Fey Wilds. The goblins now all have misshapen heads and one is still wearing the crown that Forg gave him. They are cooking a fish over a campfire and begin waving to the carriage until they see L.A.Z.H.O.R. and run for their lives. Lil Justice jumps off the carriage and steals the fish that they were cooking as he devours it. They continue through the forest, coming upon a very obvious net trap in the road. Once they stop the chariot, they are surrounded by the frog men from the Court of Frogs, armed with spears. Forg quickly takes Stelwik Businessperson’s crown from L.A.Z.H.O.R., puts it on his head, and names himself their new king. With a natural 20 roll, he successfully persuades them that he is (once again) their king. King Gorp runs out of the forest, accompanied by his goat advisor, Henrietta. from the forest. Gorp seems to have gained 50 pounds since they last saw him two weeks earlier and he is furious that he has once again been usurped. Forg commands the frog men to disable the trap and carry away (former) King Gorp. One of the frog men says that he doesn’t know how to disable the trap, so he jumps inside it and lets it capture him instead. They ride away as Gorp promises vengeance and L.A.Z.H.O.R. shoots down the frog man trapped in the net, who follows after his peers. As the group is leaving the forest, the players roll canon dice to attempt to make something from one of their other campaigns canon. With a middling roll, the group sees some strange weed-like ferns on the side of the road. When a soft breeze flows through them, the group hears a faint sound that is strongly reminiscent of Snoop Dogg’s intro part in the song “The Next Episode.” The group then exits the forest and sees the Elven clerk from Oakfen’s mages’ guild, Patience. She is kneeling before a sproutling of a tree that was planted as a grave marker for Dunder. She gives them a nod and they proceed toward Oakfen, which has had its burnt walls replaced with fresh logs and its fields thoroughly plowed. They see Biclops the cyclops pulled four plows on his back. He sees the group and forgets what he is doing, running toward them and tearing up the crops with the plows. He invites them into his hut where he reveals that he is now living with the priest and the farmer who he had previously kidnapped (Nystra & Destro) and that he has been living according to the rules that L.A.Z.H.O.R. wrote down for him last time they met. Nystra reveals that the Lord Witness, Bellis Diamondback, has put the former guard captain, Terrill, in prison for assaulting him and the Assblasters agree to help break him out of jail.

 

S2 Episode 48 – You Could ‘Abraham Lincoln’ This

Posted on January 16, 2018

The group plans how best to get Vaerog into the city so he can break Terrill out of the city. They eventually settle on having him disguise himself as a dwarven nobleman who is a cousin of Bellis Diamondback. He brings Lil Justice’s silver raven figurine (which is apparently named “Simon”), promising to send it back to them if he gets in trouble and needs help. He makes his way to Bellis’ tower and is confronted by Bellis himself. Vaerog doesn’t recognize him at first and claims to be his cousin, Jasper Diamondback, son of Samulus and Lytralda. After a tense conversation, Bellis seems to be convinced and invites Vaerog to go to a play with him called “Ormir & Julinna”. Meanwhile, the other Assblasters remain in Biclops’ house, where Forg drinks heavily and Biclops plays a game that is similar to Mastermind with L.A.Z.H.O.R. While they wait, a villager visits and brings ingredients for a communal stew that they are planning to share with Biclops. When the villager sees Forg, he pulls out a knife, believing Forg to be one of the “trash frogs” who have apparently been mugging/robbing villagers in the last week and taking their trinkets. Nystra and Destro talk him out of attacking and he leaves. That is when Forg notices that one of his little forg buddies has jumped in front of him to protect him. It is a one-eyed frog that he affectionately names “Fetty Woop.” The frog is ecstatic to be given a name by the chosen one. Forg then speaks to his ten little frog buddies in an attempt to find out why they think he is the chosen one. He doesn’t discover much other than the fact that he looks sort of like them, but sort of like the gods (humanoid) and they think that makes him something in between the two groups. The Assblasters are then visited by Patience, the elven clerk from the mages’ guild. After making a joke about people wandering in and out of Biclops’ hut as if he is Seinfeld, Avi rolls canon dice to retroactively name the previous villager Kramer, because they decided that the term “trash frog” was racist against frog people. She asks what they are doing there while Forg sees one of his frog buddies with a heart shape on its back as it pulls on his pant leg and encourages him to kiss her. Forg ignores this as Patience discovers their plan and warns them that Vaerog is in great danger. At the same time, two guards come and stand directly behind Vaerog with their spears at the ready as the stage curtains pull back and Bellis shushes him, smiling and saying, “It’s starting…”

 

S2 Episode 49 – Yes, We Are! No, We’re Not. Are We?

Posted on January 24, 2018

Joe the DM establishes with Niccolo that Vaerog must be carrying around his wizard staff if he wants to be able to cast spells, so he decides that he has disguised it as a walking stick. Bellis Diamondback attempts to get him to hand over his walking stick, but he manages to persuade Bellis to let him keep it. Meanwhile, the rest of the group receives a letter from Bellis Diamondback informing them that he knows they’re in the city and inviting them to see a live execution at the play. Patience warns them that he has filled the theatre with guards and mages, that he had the imprisoned former guard captain Terrill moved underneath the stage, and and that this is an obvious trap. She says that the most powerful mage in the city will be there. His name is Drandir and he is Dunder’s father, so he blames the Assblasters for his son’s death. Patience says that she was kicked out of the city walls for assigning Dunder to them. The group decides that the best way to handle the situation is to infiltrate the play and replace the cast of the play with themselves, using Patience’s magic to keep them disguised. After successfully sneaking backstage, the other actors assume that this is all part of Bellis’ plan, so they don’t argue and the Assblasters are freely able to replace them on stage. L.A.Z.H.O.R. plays the leading lady, the elf named Julinna, Lil Justice plays the leading man, the dwarf named Ormir. Forg plays the disapproving nursemaid as the two star-crossed lovers meet. After a predictably awful performance, L.A.Z.H.O.R. wanders into the orchestra pit looking for an entrance to get underneath the stage, then they call Vaerog onto stage to join them. Bellis is clearly not fooled by their ploy and tells the guards to start surrounding the stage as Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. go backstage, put one of the guards to sleep and find the secret entrance to get under the stage. As they approach the chained-up Terrill, He warns them that this is a trap and they should get out while they still can. Immediately after, the platform beneath L.A.Z.H.O.R., Terrill, and Vaerog raises them all onto the stage next to Lil Justice and Forg as the Bellis slow claps and walks down the aisle. The entire front row stands up and pulls out pikes from beneath their seats as guards pour in from the back, surrounding the Assblasters.

 

S2 Episode 50 – Zero Initiative

Posted on January 30, 2018

The Assblasters are approached by the guards as L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to stay in character. When the guards try arresting them, Lil Justice attacks the guard captain and the others join in. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his fire cannon to lay down two patches of fire on the entrances to the stage, but the guards get past it before it can hurt them. Forg manages to knock out one of the guards, but she is revived by a healer that is hidden somewhere in the building. The group gets hit with a silence spell, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Vaerog manage to escape its area of effect. L.A.Z.H.O.R. runs straight for Bellis Diamondback who begs the mage, Drandir, to get him out of there. Drandir touches him and he disappears. Vaerog suspects that Bellis isn’t really gone, so he uses the Detect Thoughts spell and reads Drandir’s mind to determine that Bellis is actually just invisible, but still present. Forg knocks out the same guard a second time and L.A.Z.H.O.R. examines the orchestra pit to notice that, while most of the orchestra is cowering in fear, one of them is still suspiciously playing their instrument. As L.A.Z.H.O.R. discovers the bard impostor, his fire spots spread across the sides of the stage and the curtains catch fire.

S2 Episode 51 – Episode 50: Part 2

Posted on March 16, 2018

Having discovered that a bard is hiding in the orchestra and secretly healing the guards, L.A.Z.H.O.R. shoots the bard with his eldritch blast, knocking the bard out instantly. The fight continues as a cleric hidden in the audience puts out the fires on the sides of the stage.Drandir uses vicious mockery to make Lil Justice lose his concentration. The spell turns Drandir’s words into the same mysterious voice that Lil Justice had heard in Hell. The voice mocks him about a woman dying in his arms and says that he wasn’t strong enough. Lil Justice becomes so enraged that he mistakenly kills the new guard captain, Captain Sassafras. The group successfully defeats the other guards as teleports into the balconies. L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies up and spots Drandir’s hiding spot, but Drandir blasts L.A.Z.H.O.R. out of the sky with a firebolt, knocking him unconscious. Drandir then leaps out of the balcony to attack the others, but a member of the audience pushes away the chair where Drandir was going to land, causing Drandir to be knocked unconscious. The cleric in the audience revives Drandir, who blasts the group with a Cone of Cold spell, before Vaerog knocks him out once more as Frog knocks out the cleric. The invisible Bellis is heard running out the door and the audience begins fleeing as well.

S2 Episode 52 – Loss

Posted on March 21, 2018

With the fight won, Vaerog steals Drandir’s staff and the group runs out the exit behind the stage. Lil Justice takes a potion from the unconscious guard and uses it to revive L.A.Z.H.O.R. The group sneaks to the city walls and uses an elaborate human chain to get themselves over the walls. A guard spots them, but Vaerog makes an illusion of a fire in the distance to distract him. They all jump down from the wall and Lil Justice is knocked out by the fall. The wounded Assblasters drag him back to Biclops’ hut where they are ambushed by more guards. The guard with the burnt face who had escaped the theatre fight reveals that he has been named the new guard captain, because Lil Justice had killed the previous guard captain. He says that he accepted Bellis’ offer to let the guards come outside the walls to catch the Assblasters, but Biclops, Crate, and Sapodia had run away as the guards approached. The man with the burnt face holds up Then, the new guard captain holds a knife to Winston’s throat and the group surrenders. Forg’s frog buddies are taken separately as Bellis Diamondback reveals himself and says that commands the guards to take the little frogs back to his room so that he can eat them alive, which he says is something that the birdfolk do as a delicacy. As they are taken to the prison, one of the guards tells them that Thraciel’s Wings are on their side and he shows them a rune that is tattooed onto his arm. In the morning, they are led to a freshly built gallows where they see that the man who promised to free them has already been decapitated. Drandir waits at the gallows, promising to kill Biclops the cyclops if he enters the city to rescue them. Just as they are about to be executed, smoke and an explosion are heard coming from another part of the city. Suddenly, multiple frogfolk leap onto the guards and a fight breaks out. In the midst of the fight, Vaerog casts an illusion on the new guard captain’s arm. The guard captain with the burnt face gets into a fight with one of his own men, who accuses him of being a traitor. Then, Biclops shows up wearing a makeshift suit of armor crafted out of farming equipment. Drandir attempts to fight Biclops, but Sapodia shows up and heals the cyclops, who grabs mattresses from the Grinning Kobold Inn and hurls them at Drandir, knocking him unconscious. Terrill, Nystra, and Destro all arrive to assist with the rescue effort as a yellow-skinned frog person leads the group to safety. She tells them that “Emperor Gorp” has agreed not to kill any of the elves, but his promise can’t be kept if any harm comes to him. The obese frog man then walks out and welcomes them to his city. He tells them that he has honored his end of the bargain and they are free to go. Gorp tells them that their equipment and frog buddies are waiting for them in the golden chariot. Avi rolls canon dice to determine that the frogfolk refer to regular frogs as “pond scum.” Some of the other frogfolk then drag over Bellis Diamondback, asking what they should do with him, since they had only promised not to kill the elves. Gorp takes Bellis’ snake rattle belt and wears it as a necklace, then says to give Bellis a “fishing challenge.” Bellis begs the Assblasters to help him, but they refuse as he is carried off to his demise. The group then gets into their chariot and reunites with Crate and Forg’s little frog buddies. Sapodia reveals that she had intended to leave when she heard that they had been captured, but Crate put together a rescue plan and made a deal with the frogfolk before staying up all night smithing armor for Biclops. She passed out after all the effort and is fast asleep in the chariot. The group heads off to Brinjal to finally collect their rewards.

S2 Episode 53 – Hello There, Loser!

Posted on March 28, 2018

The group’s chariot heads past the Wallflower Campgrounds, where they see Smolfok, the man who L.A.Z.H.O.R. repeatedly harassed when they last visited. Smolfok runs away at the sight of him. The group proceeds up the mountain. As they pass the spot where they originally met Crate, she reveals that she had lied to them and that she hadn’t been going to Jose’Cuervos’lin. She was just looking for a strong group of adventurers and wanted to go where they were going so she could make strong armor out of whatever they killed. The group then arrives at Brinjal and takes the lift up to see Lord Durian. They are led once more to the Tailfeather Tavern, where they meet another adventurer named Mike. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to recruit the new adventurer, but accidentally knocks him unconscious instead. The bartender, a pigeon Aarakocra named Sorrel, coyly implies that there is an assassination attempt planned for the following day and he tells them to either join him or to to be out of the city when it happens. The group goes to see Lord Durian. Sapodia requests that she be allowed to return from exile and he agrees to that. Having finally gotten what she was after, she says farewell to the group and leaves. Vaerog then requests a magic item as his boon and receives a Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks to have the wards that are blocking his memories removed. The court sorcerer, a kookaburra Aarakocra, leaves to get some scrolls and enchantments so that he can perform the necessary ritual to remove the wards. Meanwhile, Lil Justice asks the sorcerer to examine his grandfather’s heirloom axe, Mosnat Gash, and see if there is anything special about it, like he suspects that there is. The sorcerer says that there is something about it that is actually blocking magic from affecting it and it seems to be affected by ancient natural magicks. He recommends speaking to a druid to learn more about the axe. Since they couldn’t power up his axe, Lil Justice is offered an alternative boon and he receives a golden afro pick, called the Pick of Fate, which increases his strength. The sorcerer returns and casts a ritual to remove L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s mental wards. As his memories return, his arm cannon transforms into its projector form and plays the same video that it played in the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s laboratory. The projection gets to the part where L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempted to rebel against Khalifa and Khalifa lit him on fire, but the projection continues instead of stopping the way that it previously did. This time, they see that the fire engulfed L.A.Z.H.O.R. and was suddenly sucked into his arm cannon. The arm cannon transformed into a golden configuration and fired a black beam which blew a hole in Khalifa’s chest and sucked him inside of it. Afterward, L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes to the portal that Khalifa had asked him to enter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. was convinced that he knew how to change the coordinates to take him home. He then stepped through the portal and it warped him to Brinjal, where he saw the king’s parrot Aarakocra servant. The parrot man asked him if he was there to accept a quest from the king and he said, “Yeah, sure. Whatever.” Immediately after that, Forg walked up and introduced himself for the first time. This is apparently how and why L.A.Z.H.O.R. got to Brinjal in the first episode. Once the projection has ended, it is Forg’s turn to pick his boon. Forg requests an airship and the king agrees. The court sorcerer leads them outside to a ship that is covered with fins and sails. From the ship’s deck, they see a parrot aarakocra who leans over the side and calls out, “Yar, this be me new crew?”

S2 Episode 54 – New Raven, Who Dis?

Posted on April 3, 2018

Joe the DM confirms for Niccolo that the new staff that Vaerog had stolen from Drandir will give him +1 attack & damage and Vaerog is also awarded a point of Inspiration for having put the Loss rune on the guard captain’s arm in Oakfen. L.A.Z.H.O.R. discovers that he can access is arm cannon’s new projection ability at will. Andy is given a choice between a +2 to attack or +2 to damage. Andy chooses the attack bonus and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is awarded a new scope for his arm cannon. The group meets the pirate Aarakocra, Captain Cherimoya Huggins and his pixie, Squawky. Cap’n Huggie shows them around the ship and drinks a toast with them, but promises them that he will hold them accountable if any harm comes to his ship. Then, he feels bad for threatening them and he hugs it out with them. The group then leaves Cap’n Huggie and Squawky behind with the airship, promising to see him again when the ship’s repairs are complete. They request to head back to the Tailfeather Tavern to meet up with the pigeon Aarakocra bartender. The pigeon man tells them that his name is Sorrel and he is part of a group known as the Vultures. The Vultures are planning to stage a coup against King Durian. The Assblasters decide to join the coup as revenge for King Durian allegedly having sent the assassins (Peace & Quiet) to assassinate them in the Capital City. They are allowed to stay in an upper room of the tavern overnight. Before going to sleep, Lil Justice sends out his silver raven, Simon, to Jose’Cuervos’lin to find out how they have been doing since the Assblasters left. While the others go to sleep, Vaerog tests out his new water elemental. He decides that the password to activate his Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals is “the water is life.” In the morning, the group wakes to find the tavern full of revolutionaries. It becomes apparent that the revolutionaries are primarily exiles and criminals who have had their wings clipped. They see that the three Aarakocra who had mugged them in the first episode of season 2 are part of the group. Then, they meet the leader, a vulture Aarakocra named Cress, who briefly explains the plan and they head toward the king’s castle together.

S2 Episode 55 – Flying Like a Rat… Just Like Rats Do…

Posted on April 11, 2018

A ladder is lowered for the revolutionaries to enter the castle. As they enter, they are greeted by Sillybeak, the court jester, who is apparently assisting the revolutionaries. The Assblasters are told that they need to go through an old servant’s quarters to get to the king’s courtroom, where they will meet back up with Cress and a seagull Aarakocra named Salak. Cress says that the chambers should be empty, because the previous servant who occupied them had recently died of natural causes. When they enter the servant’s chamber, they are surprised to encounter Sapodia. She reveals that she had attempted to go home, but her parents wouldn’t take her back, so she had returned to King Durian and asked for employment in his castle. When she discovers that the Assblasters have gotten mixed up with the Vultures, she begs them to stop. Sapodia claims that Cress isn’t a bad person, but that he is willing to work with evil people to accomplish his goals, and she doesn’t think that makes him much better than Durian. The Assblasters don’t heed her warning and they proceed to the king’s court. As they head through the halls, they see that King Durian has already had a marble statue of L.A.Z.H.O.R. magically constructed. They enter the king’s court and a fight ensues as King Durian attempts to fly out of a hatch in the castle’s glass ceiling. Vaerog uses illusion magic to hide the hatch and trap him in the room. As the fight progresses, Durian manages to escape and Cress flies out after him. The court sorcerer, Bartlett, comes in and calls them traitors as he turns invisible and begins hurling firebolts at Vaerog. The seagull man, Salak, attempts to chase after the king as well, but Sapodia sees him and goes into a rage. Salak bears the scars from when he formerly worked for the king and took away Sapodia’s sister. She says that Salak had disappeared and this caused the people of Brinjal to spread rumors that she killed him. In her rage, she begins burning him with Sacred Flame, saying that she wouldn’t want the people of Brinjal to be liars. The Assblasters defeat all of the guards, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. is knocked unconscious in the process and fails one of his three death saving throws. Things begin to look dire as the invisible court sorcerer readies a full assault and it becomes unclear if L.A.Z.H.O.R. will survive.

S2 Episode 56 – The Cromsby Show

Posted on May 9, 2018

The group makes a canon roll to decide that Bartlett’s last name is “Cromsby” as part of a running joke. The newly named “Bartlett Cromsby” sees that L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s life is in danger and recognizes that the king is also in danger of being killed by Cress. Sapodia stands weeping over the body of the seagull man, Salak, who she has just burned to death. In that moment, she realizes that L.A.Z.H.O.R. is fatally wounded. She begins moving to heal him, but the invisible Bartlett Cromsby convinces her that they aren’t on her side. He points out that she has killed one of the Vultures and Cress will punish her if he succeeds in usurping the king. Cromsby also promises to return her ability to fly, telling her that they can reverse the wing clipping curse that she received when she was exiled. She is finally convinced when she realizes that Cromsby has bothered to learn her name (something which L.A.Z.H.O.R. never bothered to do). With no other options, the group agrees to throw down their weapons and leave peacefully in exchange for potions to heal L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the promise that Durian won’t seek retribution on them as long as they never return. On their way out, Vaerog steals a spell scroll that teaches him “Shield” as they are given two health potions, using one of them to revive L.A.Z.H.O.R. The group gets in the cage that they keep on a pulley system, which allows them to descend the cliff face. After getting to the bottom, Cromsby and Sapodia collapse the pulley systems, breaking down every entrance that a non-flying person could use to easily get into the city. They reunite with Crate, Martha, and Winston at the stables. L.A.Z.H.O.R. remarks that the birdfolk had made a statue of him. At the moment that he says that, they throw the head off the statue off from the cliff above and it crashes through the roof of the stable. They decide to strap the five foot tall statue head to the top of their gilded chariot and they leave the mountains as Vaerog uses his magic to blast fireworks that say “Mission Accomplished!” Amidst their celebratory fireworks, the sounds of fire and screaming are heard as Durian’s guards fight to the death with the revolutionaries. Sorrel, the pigeon man, is thrown off the side of the cliff and lands on the stable. He calls out to the Assblasters before choking on his own blood. They continue to ride off into the sunset blasting fireworks. They decide to go toward Elmoor to investigate the arena explosion that had been mentioned the first time they were in Brinjal. They stop in the night to rest and Vaerog uses the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell to give them shelter. As they appear in Leomund’s hut, Leomund quickly becomes upset that Vaerog has once more transported into his home. Leomund claims that his wife is threatening to leave him and that he was making a romantic dinner for her to rekindle their romance. The Assblasters ignore his please and set up shop for the night as he goes outside and has an argument with his wife, then comes back in and cries himself to sleep. In the morning, the spell fades away and they are returned to the road back to Elmoor. Forg’s little frog buddy, Fitty Copper, proclaims once more that he has found “mana from the heavens” and spits out Leomund’s wedding ring. Forg holds onto the ring in the hopes of giving it back at some point. They continue toward Elmoor until they see a white wolf in the road. A druid named Dehalam calls to the wolf and refers to her as “Inaba.” The wolf moves toward him and is followed by a white wolf pup that he calls “Telfor.” They ask the druid which way they should go to get to Elmoor and he tells them to follow the wind. A light wind begins pushing the group in the right direction. On the way, Lil Justice uses his survival skills to help them avoid some spiderbears and they pass by an abandoned hut that belonged to a man named Raina P. Laudenslager. As they pass by the cabin, they see a raven that is blasted out of the sky by a white flame. Forg uses his tongue to pull a message off of the raven’s leg before to and see that it is a haiku requesting elderberries from “grandma’s house.” Then, a dwarf paladin and a human cleric who come over to investigate. They claim to be working for the Dwarven King, King Goldenbeard, and they demand to see the message and the Assblasters comply. The Dwarf and the human argue loudly that the message is clearly a secret code asking for weapons. The king’s men tell the Assblasters that they won’t be allowed into Elmoor, because the city is blockaded due to an Elven insurrection. Crate pulls them aside and says that she can get them in, but that they won’t be able to bring their gilded chariot. They leave the chariot covered in a woodshed at Raina P. Laudenslager’s cabin. Crate then removes a loose metal bar from underneath Elmoor’s water mill and swims them all in under the wall. She then takes them to a tavern called the Queen’s Sword, where she introduces them to her brother, Barrel.

S2 Episode 57 – We Do More Fighting Than Singing

Posted on May 15, 2018

The group speaks to Crate’s brother, Barrel and he tells them about the arena explosion and says that the player characters from season 1, Aati & Illum, are the prime suspects. Barrel takes them back to his room at the temple of Moradin. L.A.Z.H.O.R. breaks down his door, because the group has still somehow neglected to teach him how to open doors. Barrel tells them that they should speak to an elf named E.L. Fudge if they want more information on the temple’s investigation into the explosion. Crate and Barrel go to sleep for the night while the group heads toward E.L. Fudge’s office. On the way, they pass by the office of Brother Vashenn, who is being loudly scolded by a military official for having sent off the city’s militia to Cacot because he had lost a drinking contest to Aati. The commander threatens to excommunicate Vashenn if he has a single drop of alcohol going forward. The commander then storms out of the room and the Assblasters attempt to talk to Vashenn, who stares intently at the barrel of ale on Forg’s back. When Forg offers him some, he claims to have taken a “vow of sobriety.” They ask him for directions and he points them to E.L. Fudge’s office. L.A.Z.H.O.R. naturally bursts through E.L. Fudge’s door and the group proceeds to ask him for information on the investigation while L.A.Z.H.O.R. repeatedly unintentionally threatens E.L. Fudge. The cleric tells the Assblasters that Aati & Illum had been taken prisoner and were being held for trial regarding the explosion, but they were broken out of prison by members of the Elven insurrection. Lil Justice asks about his cousin, Carl the Gruel Man. E.L. Fudge says that there was a half-orc with them who made them gruel every day while they were in prison. He was left behind in the escape attempt. The dwarves questioned him, but he didn’t know anything about anything other than gruel, so they let him go. They are instructed to speak to Ganister Ironspine, the Dwarven commander who they had seen threatening Vashenn earlier. When they go to Ironspine’s chambers, he thinks that they are bards and asks them to leave. When they ask about the investigation, he says that he doesn’t have time for that amidst fighting off the insurrection. He lets them browse through the files that they have regarding the investigation. The files note all of the places that Aati & Illum had visited. The group decides to split up and head to the individual locations.

S2 Episode 58 – *Bass Riff from Seinfeld*

Posted on May 23, 2018

Having split up, L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Vaerog head to Elmoor’s library to see which books Aati had checked out. The gnome librarian, Scruffy, says that he isn’t supposed to share his notes without an order from Ganister Ironspine himself. Andy rolls persuasion as L.A.Z.H.O.R. assures Scruffy that they should help each other out because they are both “good guys”. Scruffy misreads the situation as he puts down his book, which is titled “The Good Guy’s Guide to Picking Up Woman.” Because he believes that L.A.Z.H.O.R. is a fellow pickup artist, he offers to let L.A.Z.H.O.R. have the information. Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. head to the second floor, where it says that Aati had been looking. They see that he checked out a book called “Demi-gods and Powerful Beings from Other Dimensions: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” After some searching, they find a book on cults that Aati had reviewed and they find volume 2 of the Demi-gods book. L.A.Z.H.O.R. makes a history check and they determine that both books were written by a gnomish man named Danteiiaetoo. It seems like he may have run out of gods to write about in volume 1 and possibly made up some gods for volume 2. They believe the book may have been a quick cash-grab after the success of the first volume. They review the cult compendium and see that multiple cults share markings that they had previously seen in Hell which were associated with the devil lord, D’Jay’Kaled. Before leaving, Vaerog searches the arcane section and finds a spell scroll of the “Compulsion” spell and takes the time to copy it down in his spellbook. Meanwhile, Lil Justice goes with the dogs, Winston and Martha, to investigate the destroyed arena. He uses his Speak to Animals ability to ask Winston to tell him if he smells gruel. Lil Justice says that he is worried that Carl could be in serious danger if he attempted to return to Lil Justice’s tribe, but Winston is too busy sniffing his own butt to ask Lil Justice to elaborate. They arrive at the arena and find that the people have superstitiously avoided it. They have refused to even clean up most of the bodies, which still lay decaying a month and a half after the event. Walls of the arena have pulsing black ooze scattered about. They split up until Martha begins screaming for help. Lil Justice rushes to help and finds her being attacked by a zombie that is being held together by the black ooze. He rescues her and destroys the zombie, but its destruction causes it to explode black ooze all over him. He shakes off the explosion and heads to the Big Green Apple tavern to meet up with the others. On the way, Winston smells gruel and runs off. Lil Justice follows after and briefly loses Winston before hearing a family of elves screaming. He finds Winston in a pot of gruel that an Elven family was about to eat for dinner. Lil Justice awkwardly apologizes and takes Winston (along with a bowl of gruel). Meanwhile, Forg heads to the Big Green Apple tavern, where he meets a man named Fanetan. After some discussion, he notices that the man has the rune symbol of Thraciel’s Wings tattooed on his arm. Forg tells him that he knows about the symbol thanks to the guard in Oakfen who had tried to rescue them. Fanetan agrees to take him somewhere safe to discuss. While Forg and Fanetan were discussing, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Vaerog, and Lil Justice have all arrived outside the bar. L.A.Z.H.O.R. somehow convinces the others that it’s a good idea to hide in the bushes as L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts on a mask. When Forg and Fanetan gets outside, he stops to ask Forg to reassure him that he’s a good guy. At that moment, L.A.Z.H.O.R. jumps out of the bushes, wearing his mask (just as Aati had done in episode 24 of season 1), screaming, “We’re not good guys! We’re Assblasters!” Fanetan thinks that he is being attacked, so he jumps back and draws his wand.

S2 Episode 59 – We’ll Bring Anyone to Justice for Any Reason

Posted on June 6, 2018

Fanetan prepares to attack as another elf, Galrana, readies her daggers on the roof of the tavern and a third elf runs in to use the Tiny Hut spell over herself and Vaerog. She tells Vaerog that he is safe, but is confused when he tells her that he is willingly traveling with these people. She had assumed that he must be a servant or a slave. Meanwhile, Vaerog is confused how she can cast the Tiny Hut spell without it transporting them both to Leomund’s tiny hut. The elven woman doesn’t seem to know who Leomund is. Forg and Lil Justice manage to convince the elves that they aren’t enemies and Fanetan agrees to take them all to the hideout of Thraciel’s Wings. Fanetan goes behind the tree and holds his tattoo up to an identical sign in the tree, causing a secret passage to open up. When inside, the group asks Fanetan what he knows about the explosion. He claims that Thraciel’s Wings had nothing to do with the explosion, but admits to breaking ou Aati & Illum. During the discussion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. accidentally upsets Fanetan by referring to the Elve’s homes as “tree houses.” Fanetan says that the term is offensive in Elven culture and that the preferred term is “arboreal homes.” As a fellow elf, he asks Vaerog to instruct his friends on Elven manners. Vaerog says that it is rude to leave a book on the floor, rude to sip your drink instead of finishing in one gulp, and that Elves prefer to speak only when they have something worth saying. Fanetan seems uncertain if he can trust the Assblasters, but him and Galrana are reassured when they recognize Lil Justice as a local folk hero. Galrana tells them that Aati & Illum said they were headed to Waleah and she asks them to tell Aati to stay safe. Before they leave, Vaerog asks to speak privately with Fanetan. The elf woman casts the Tiny Hut spell around them so that their privacy is ensured. While inside the magical dome of force, Vaerog asks if Fanetan has heard of Glandenforn. Fanetan says that he isn’t a fan of Glandenfornians, because they refused to help during the war between the elves and the dwarves. Vaerog admits to being from Glandenforn and asks if Fanetan knows anything about the Book of Glandenforn. Fanetan is so insulted that a Glandenfornian is asking him for help, that he immediately ends the conversation. The Assblasters head back to the temple to get Crate, but when they arrive, they are confronted by a group of armed Dwarves, led by Ganister Ironspine and E.L. Fudge. Commander Ironspine seems ready to arrest them for threatening E.L. Fudge and destroying church property, but, before he can, another group of Dwarves and a half-orc arrive. The leader of the second group introduces himself as Pabarel Darkstone and he says that he recognizes the Assblasters, having heard of their deeds from his uncle, the King Regent of the Elven Capital City. Ironspine is furious that Pabarel has been receiving letters from outside the city, but Pabarel brushes him off and invites the Assblasters back to his chateau. When they arrive, he offers them a golden chariot (or comparable money reward) if they bring him back Aati & Illum’s heads. Lil Justice becomes uncomfortable with the offer and convinces him to give them a reward if they can bring Aati & Illum back for a fair trial. Pabarel indicates that the trial will be less than fair, but accepts the proposal. Lil Justice also asks if Pabarel knows anything about his cousin, Carl the Gruel Man. Pabarel defers to his half-orc bodyguard, Boo. Boo says that he was formerly a champion in the arena before it was destroyed (he is the same half-orc who Illum saw fight in episode 22 of season 1). Boo believes that Aati & Illum put him out of work by destroying the arena and that is how he ended up as a bodyguard. Boo recalls Aati & Illum being with a half-orc, but he doesn’t have any new information. Pabarel then treats them all to a feast as they celebrate their new mission to bring Aati & Illum to justice.

S2 Episode 60 – 🅱️uality 🅱️ontent

Posted on June 13, 2018

The group eats dinner until Pabarel becomes upset that his food is slightly overcooked and he proceeds to go into the kitchen to yell at his cooking staff loudly. Meanwhile, his bodyguard, the half-orc named Boo, takes the Assblasters up to their rooms. They look at the paintings on the wall, seeing one of Pabarel, one of his female cousin, Vanesha Darkstone, one of his uncle, Praxis Darkstone the King Regent, and the founder of their modern house, Babbara Darkstone. L.A.Z.H.O.R. recalls that Babbara Darkstone was a known slaver who is now known as an “entrepreneur.” Babbara was the one who had the sacred texts “retranslated” to include the Darkstones as direct descendants of Moradin. Because it was mentioned that Aati & Illum’s opponent was from Forg’s homeland, the Western Continent, Lil Justice asks Forg if he knows of anyone from there who has the power to destroy an arena like he did. Forg says that a group called the Bandirian Empire might have the strength to do something like that. L.A.Z.H.O.R. rifles through the drawers in his room and finds sleeping robes with the Darkstone family sigil on them. He remarks how nice they are and Vaerog suggests that he slip them in his secret compartment if he likes them so much. Everyone then goes to their rooms, but Vaerog are given notably worse rooms than the others because the Darkstone family doesn’t like Elves or clanless Dwarves. Vaerog does some reading from the Occult Compendium and reads a tale (which Niccolo made up on the spot) which said that, 4000 years ago, there was an underground cult that believed they had the power to shift into other realities and influence events in our reality from there. They wrote down a bunch of the ways they did it and the things they claimed to influence. One notable thing they claimed they influenced was that they defeated a powerful dragon that would have otherwise defeated powerful demon overlords. The cult is called “The Cult of 🅱️ult”. One of the demon overlords was 🅱️ult, who still exists because they killed the ancient dragon. The dragon was named Ashardalon. It’s unlikely this account is strictly true. After reading, Vaerog attempts to go to sleep before he is disturbed by a knock on his door. He opens it to see Crate, their one-armed clanless Dwarven blacksmith, who says that she has been given a closet to sleep in. She asks if she can have any pillows and Vaerog complies. While she is collecting them, she asks Vaerog how he ended up in Hell where the others had met him. Vaerog tells her that he was also a performer who was betrayed by the Marquis of Jose’Cuervos’lin after winning the contest with his illusion magic. She remarks that it’s funny how people end up in the places they least want to be, which causes him to ask if she doesn’t want to travel with the Assblasters. Crate says that she likes traveling with them, but she doesn’t like being in the Darkstone house, because the Darkstones are exactly the kind of Dwarves who made her leave Elmoor in the first place. As Crate heads back to the closet, Vaerog offers to let her sleep in his room. During their conversation, L.A.Z.H.O.R. had woken up and decided to sleep in the closet instead. Crate thanks Vaerog for the offer, but she decides to sleep in the guest room that L.A.Z.H.O.R. had abandoned instead. Vaerog finally goes to sleep before he is awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of a white horse with its bridle caught in the brambles behind the chateau. Vaerog goes outside and sees that the horse is skittish and has signs of abuse. Vaerog frees the horse from the brambles. It struggles against him, but he casts the Friends spell to convince it to go into the stables. Then, he goes to Lil Justice to ask for his help talking to the animal. Lil Justice is awoken from a nightmare where he sees himself repeatedly murdering Captain Sassafras in Oakfen. Sassafras tells him that he is haunted as he wakes up. Vaerog and Lil Justice go out to the stable and talk to the horse. The white bronco introduces himself and says that his name is Jackson. He speaks like a bad parody of Michael Jackson and calls them ignorant. They convince the horse to wait in the forest behind the chateau until the morning. Vaerog and Lil Justice talk briefly. Vaerog compliments his scorpion axe, so Lil Justice gives the scorpion axe to Vaerog, choosing to rely only on his grandfather’s axe, Mosnat Gash. Then, they all go to sleep. Meanwhile, Forg wakes up to hear his little frog buddies chanting. One of the frog buddies has set up a child’s toy block as a pedestal and is preaching that “The tower will rise. The snake man cometh.” Forg stares in horror at his frog buddies as they all turn to greet him.

S2 Episode 61 – Horse Repairman

Posted on June 20, 2018

Forg talks to his little frog buddy who was spewing out prophecies. Because the frog has its left eye sewn shut, he calls it “Right Eye.” Right Eye refers to the cryptic phrases as “stories” and says that he is describing dreams that he had. The frog says that he also saw a green guardian and a horned beast that had already risen from the sea. Right Eye claims that this green guardian wouldn’t be able to hold back the beast forever. Forg realizes that the frogs don’t understand this much more than he does, so he just decides to go back to sleep as his frog buddy, Fetty Woop, stands guarding the door and another frog buddy, Fitty Copper, claims to have received more “mana from the heavens” and spits out a key that he clearly stole from the Darkstone house. Forg thanks him and goes back to sleep. In the morning, they are all called down to breakfast. As Vaerog prepares to go down, he sees a Dwarven man heading out to forest where they left Jackson, the white bronco. Vaerog runs out to confront him. The Dwarven man says that his name is O’Jae and claims that the horse belongs to him, but he calls the horse “Ford.” O’Jae insists that he never abused the horse, but begins explaining in great detail how he would have abused the horse if he did abuse it. Vaerog tries to reason with O’Jae, but O’Jae repeatedly disrespects Vaerog by dropping a book on the ground, sipping his drink, and talking unnecessarily. Vaerog decides to let him take the horse and follow him covertly. After he leaves, Vaerog picks up the book that O’Jae had dropped and sees that it was ironically a book on Elven manners. Vaerog follows O’Jae back to the dwarf’s home and then returns to Darkstone’s chateau to ask the other Assblasters for help rescuing the horse from its abuser. The others agree, but decide to wait until the cover of dark. Lil Justice and Forg gamble to pass the time, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. takes it upon himself to rescue the horse on his own. Rather than asking where O’Jae’s house is, he wanders the city looking for it. Eventually, he ends up at the city hall and asks for the city plans, claiming that he is interested in building a porch. After reviewing the plans, he sees four different homes that are big enough to house a stable (aside from Pabarel Darkstone’s chateau). L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes to every single one of them until he ends up at O’Jae’s house. He claims to be a “horse repairman” and casts the Suggestion spell (twice) on O’Jae and uses it to make O’Jae open up his gate and let L.A.Z.H.O.R. in. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then brings the horse back to Pabarel Darkstone’s chateau and suggests that they all leave. As they are leaving, Pabarel Darkstone returns from a council meeting. He tells them that he has heard news that the militia that was sent to Cacot successfully fought off an invasion by cultists. Pabarel takes this as confirmation that Aati & Illum must be connected to the cultists or else they wouldn’t have known where the cultists would attack next. The Assblasters decide to leave the city in search of Aati & Illum. Pabarel asks them how they got into the city, saying that he wants to block it off to keep Elves from using their secret entrance. The group ignores him and heads off, but he sends his half-orc bodyguard, Boo, to follow them. They get to the blockaded main gate and Vaerog casts the Sleep spell to render Boo unconscious so they can get away from him and head back to the secret entrance. The group then finally leaves Elmoor to head toward the city of Waleah in search of Aati & Illum.

S2 Episode 62 – We’re Not Ass Guys. We’re Ass Men!

Posted on June 26, 2018

The group travels through the night. They hear a young halfling yelling out in distress. L.A.Z.H.O.R. insists that they should help, because he has decided that he should set a good example for Crate. They head toward the screaming to find a halfling halfway up a tree, being clawed at by one of the black ooze zombies. Forg leaps off of the gilded chariot and cuts it in two, causing it to explode and damage him. The halfling climbs down from the tree and introduces himself as Tayoris (AKA “Ted” from season 1). While brushing off his brown frock, he tells them that he accompanied a dragonborn here and the dragonborn went into a nearby Elven tree fortress to recover a focus stone for the town of Tarnstead, but has yet to return. Tayoris worries that something bad has happened. The Assblasters agree to go up and investigate. They arrive at the fortress, which is made up of four hollowed-out giant trees twisted together. They go inside and head up the stairs, going past numerous destroyed zombies. When they arrive at the top, they see the dragonborn fighting a barbed devil with batlike wings. The brass dragonborn tries to warn them to escape, but he is stabbed through the chest by the barbed devil’s long claws and he crumples to the floor. They begin fighting the barbed devil as it slashes them with its claws, leaving a green, acidic residue on their wounds which continues to burn if they don’t use their action to clean the wounds. Zombies begin pouring in through the other doors, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. yells out that he’ll protect his friends with the “power of good” as he casts Hunger of Hadar, which creates a void of black tentacles over one of the open doors. The void of tentacles begins destroying all of the zombies that try to pass through as L.A.Z.H.O.R. absorbs the life force from the fallen zombies to give himself strength. The barbed devil proves too mobile for the group to catch until Forg uses his holy blade to slash a hole in one of its wings. Just as things seem to be going favorably for The Assblasters, the barbed devil laughs and asks them if they thought that the black ooze could only resurrect humanoids. In that moment, a zombie spiderbear comes through one of the open doors and lets out a horrible screech.

S2 Episode 63 – Chili Still Hurts When It’s Cooked

Posted on July 3, 2018

The fight continues as zombies pour into the room. Forg successfully cuts off the devil’s undamaged wing. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his laser cannon arm’s fire ability to place a burning flame in front of the southwestern door to block off incoming zombies. The wooden tree floor catches fire and begins spreading as the fight continues. The zombie spiderbear shoots webbing at Lil Justice’s feet, but he manages to cut himself free. Lil Justice is reminded of the flashback that he previously saw in the fight with 2Chainz in Hell. He sees the remainder of that memory, where his grandfather told him, “One day, I will tell you why we do not hunt the bear.” Apparently, right after his grandfather had said that, the bear that they were looking at turned its head and revealed that it was actually spiderbear. Lil Justice’s grandfather then said that he hated The flashback ends and we’re returned to the present time. Lil Justice attacks the spiderbear with his axe, but his axe gets stuck in the zombie spiderbear’s neck and he is unable to remove it. The group makes a canon roll to decide that the black ooze apparently tastes and smells like spicy chili. Vaerog blasts the spiderbear zombie with a firebolt, which burns away some of the ooze and frees Lil Justice’s axe. Lil Justice then backs away from the spiderbear and uses a javelin to pin it to the wall as the spreading fire burns it and causes it to make an extra large explosion. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then traps the remaining zombies and the devil in the Hunger of Hadar spell. The devil is blinded and trapped in the spell’s void as it is attacked repeatedly by milky tentacles. Lil Justice tries to take the unconscious dragonborn out of harm’s way, but the dragonborn regains consciousness and insists on sticking around to see the devil vanquished. The devil emerges from the void as every single party member simultaneously hits it as hard as they can, cutting off its acid claws, retrieving the focus stone from it, and knocking it back into the void to be torn apart by the tentacles.

S2 Episode 64 – Nice to Meet You, Mr. Edgelord

Posted on July 10, 2018

The dragonborn with a diamond in his throat collects the devil’s claws and horns to be used or sold later. He reintroduces himself as Vezherax and says that he remembers L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Forg from the tavern in Brinjal back in the first episode of season 2. Vezherax is surprised that they have already returned from Jose’Cuervos’lin and asks if they have met Marq. The elderly dragonborn informs them that the Marquis is named Marq. The group goes down to the chariot, where they see that Crate and Tayoris have captured a shadow zombie in the wheels of the chariot. The Assblasters remove the zombie from the wheel and destroy it at a safe distance, so the explosion doesn’t damage anything. Then, they realize that Winston is missing. They hear him howling in the distance. Lil Justice runs toward the howling as his friends are left behind to deal with a horde of zombies that comes out of the woods. On his way to Winston, Lil Justice sees an imp with a broken arm. His vision is then obscured by pure darkness as the imp begins blasting him with firebolts. In the darkness, Lil Justice sees a vision of his spirit bear asking him where his rage comes from. The spirit bear tells him to “let go” and he decides to drop his axe. As he walks toward the spirit bear, he can see again and he realizes that the imp had cast the Darkness spell on the axe, so the aura of darkness had been following him as long as he carried it. With his vision restored, he uppercuts the imp’s head clear off of its body and takes a potion that it had on it. He finds Winston howling sadly amidst the ruins of the Tarnstead temple of Moradin. Lil Justice speaks to Winston and finds out that Winston spoke to Jackson and he thinks that Lil Justice was replacing him with “a real horse.” Lil Justice tells him that they could never replace the Direcorgi. Winston is comforted by this and resolves to become the best dog that he can be. They return to the rest of the group and then go to Tarnstead to return the focus stone to Bekela. Afterward, they nearly enter the Imp and the Serpent before Vezherax warns them that he already made that mistake and that it is a brothel. Upon hearing Lil Justice sneaks away to run to the brothel. Meanwhile, Vezherax tells them everything he has heard about Aati & Illum. He recaps season 1 for the party in a way that makes Aati & Illum sound like the villains. He mistakenly refers to their companions as “Long Dark Silver” and “Carl the Cruel Man.” Upon returning, the Assblasters ask Lil Justice if he has ever heard of the “Cruel Man.” Lil Justice doesn’t put 2 + 2 together and he insists that the cruel man can’t be his cousin, because Carl wasn’t cruel. With that, the group heads out toward Waleah.

S2 Episode 65 – Evil Forest Hag

Posted on July 17, 2018

As the group heads to Waleah, Crate gives Forg a new weapon that she has made for him using the barbed devil’s acid claws. Thanks to the poisonous content of the claws, the group decides that the devil’s name was “Belbiv the Foe.” they regale Vezherax with all of the things that they have done so far. They stop for lunch as Vezherax asks them about their respective cultures. Forg talks about the Western Continent. He says that it is a sign of respect there to say “oh shit, waddup?” Frog people often ride unicycles there. There is a delicacy called “icup,” which you can only eat if you spell its name, but nobody wants to spell it. Nobody knows how it’s made or where it comes from. Vaerog says that he has been reading about a wizard who did some studies on lightning magic named Grelkin. He lived on top of a mountain to be closer to the storms. Lil Justice says that his tribe (the Yonkersonian tribe) has a battle cry that sounds like “YERRRR!” They venerate and refuse to harm bears. Finally, he says that they are great fighters and their signet is the turquoise-browed motmot. Afterward, they continue traveling to the city of Waleah to find Aati & Illum. On the way, they go through a dark forest and it begins raining. In the night, it begins raining and they pass by a cabin with an old woman inside. She calls out to them and invites them inside. Every single party member rolls perception, believing that she must be a hag or a witch with evil intentions. After repeatedly checking and having Vezherax cast “Detect Good & Evil,” they finally decide to go inside. The woman introduces herself as Minerva Hanson. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is extremely suspicious and watches over her shoulder as she makes them dinner. Vaerog sees that she has a bookshelf with basic magic and he studies it to learn the “Silent Image” spell. She tells them that they can stay in her children’s rooms. She tells them the story of how she took in two young children who she found in the woods. She called them Bibi and Bobo. One was an Aasimar and the other was a tiefling. She tells about how she found the Aasimar in a bear’s den and he has been afraid of them ever since. The Tiefling was apparently afraid of the dark. When the local villagers detected that there was a demon in her cabin, they came to her house to slay it and she sent them away into the woods to protect them. After hearing her story, Forg tries to tell Minerva that her adopted children are still alive, but Vezherax insists on keeping it secret, thinking that it will only break her heart more if she knew that the Assblasters were going to bring them to justice. The group goes to sleep, except for Vezherax, who says that nightmares of people he has lost tend to keep him awake. The elderly dragonborn goes outside and chops wood for Minerva. In the morning, they eat breakfast and prepare to leave as Vezherax apologizes to Minerva. She doesn’t understand what he is apologizing for and asks if he has done something. He simply replies, “No, not yet.” With that, the group heads to Waleah. When they arrive, they find that the temple they were seeking is now in a pile of smoldering ruins.

S2 Episode 66 – Fix It in Post

Posted on July 24, 2018

This episode marks the podcast’s 100th total episode. As they stand before the ruins of the Waleah temple, Vezharax the dragonborn insists that this is exactly what the temple in Tarnstead looked like and he blames this on Aati & Illum. Whiele the temple is destroyed, the city’s castle remains standing. They investigate and find it completely abandoned. Martha sniffs around the ruins as Winston mimics her in an attempt to be a better dog. L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s history check reveals that the people refer to Waleah as “The city in the Castle,” but all of the homesteads within the castle’s walls are completely destroyed or empty. There isn’t a single corpse, leading Vezharax to conclude that the bodies were raised as shadow zombies. The dragonborn tells the Assblasters that there is a legend that Waleah’s monastery was built to contain a minotaur cursed with eternal life. Upon inspection, they find a secret passageway beneath the temple ruins. Before they can head in, their old friend, the eagle Aarakocra, Bradperson, flies in to join them. Bradperson says that he has been tracking them for some time. He reveals that he killed the assassin, Peace, but spared his partner, Quiet. Bradperson confirms that King Durian hired the assassins. Vezherax protests upon hearing that Bradperson is a killer. The dragonborn cleric insists that the party must not kill anyone if they are to continue working with him and says that enemies must be restrained and taken in for justice. As they head into the labyrinth beneath the temple, the Puzzle Box suddenly frees itself from L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s compartment and Harlow pops out. Harlow looks considerably older. He is covered in shadow ooze, wearing a necklace of eyes, and is holding the head of the cyclops, Garius. Harlow tells them that the box sent him to a shadow realm and he was trapped there for 15 years (despite only 3 weeks having passed in the Assblaster’s world). Harlow said that he had just beheaded the cyclops, Garius, who was originally sucked into the box along with him. Beheading the cyclops apparently returned him to the mundane world. He warns them of a dragon lich named Durg Gyrtu Gahl, whose name means “The first sunset.” Garius had apparently allied himself with this dracolich and together they had hunted Harlow. His old dog companion, Martha, sniffs out Harlow and rushes over to him. She licks his face as Winston comes rushing in to mimic her. Winston has grown to his full Direcorgi size and tackles Harlow. Lil Justice orders Winston to get off of Harlow as Harlow pets Martha. The dogs are ordered to stay behind with Crate as the group enters the castle. As they go in, L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon turns into a new setting that looks suspiciously like a shakeweight. They see a sign that tells them that the “walls have eyes” and see a trail of black slime leading toward a wall to their right, so Harlow attacks the wall, which turns out to be a mimic. A Black Ooze creature crawls out from behind the mimic and a fight ensues as Lil Justice splits it in half and the two halves begin attacking the group. They eventually manage to destroy the ooze. The wall mimic transforms back into its amorphous mimic state and attempts to run away, so Harlow smashes it against a wall. They see that the area that the wall mimic was previously blocking contains a treasure chest. The Assblasters open to chest to get a Belt of Dwarvenkind. Harlow attaches the mimic’s eyes to the belt and gives it to L.A.Z.H.O.R. The belt gives L.A.Z.H.O.R. darkvision and lets him speak Dwarvish. They follow one path and it leads to a chasm, so they turn around. As they navigate the labyrinth, they find a devil corpse with its head smashed in. Then, they come across one hallway that is collapsed and flooded with water. Another hallway has a series of vents filling part of the hall with fire. They decide to go down another hall that leads to the bottom of the chasm, where they pass the remnants of a destroyed stone golem. Then, they are attacked by a giant snake. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attaches one of his scorpion mines to the snake’s head. Then, Forg cuts its head off, Bradperson summons a warhammer to hit a homerun on the snake head, and L.A.Z.H.O.R. detonates his mine, exploding the head in midair. Harlow collects the snake’s eyes for his necklace. The group climbs up to the other side of the chasm and sees a cloaked devil covered in shadow tentacles. The devil seems to be trying to open a steel door. They approach the devil with their weapons drawn and he turns around, lowering his hood. The devil reveals that he is wearing paladin armor and calls out “Skibbity bo bop!” They have finally found Aati.

S2 Episode 67 – #CancelDnDBags

Posted on August 7, 2018

Harlow Mountainbrew sees Aati surrounded by shadow tentacles and charges in to attack. The shadow ooze that is on Harlow begins reacting to the shadow energy coming off of Aati and Harlow is sucked back into the puzzle box. Thinking that Aati had intentionally banished Harlow, Forg responds by attacking him. Vaerog casts Detect Thoughts on him. When it becomes apparent that he doesn’t know what is going on, they stop attacking. Vezherax the dragonborn accuses Aati of destroying the temple of Waleah, but Aati claims that the temple was destroyed by a hooded demon. Aati claims that, underneath the hood, there is only a floating pair of eyes and fangs, along with translucent skin that you can see straight through to the back of the demon’s skull. The demon apparently calls itself “The Ghost Faced Killer”. Avi tries to roll canon dice to determine that the Sons of the Scourge was actually called “The Wu-Tang Clan”. He rolls too low, but Joe the DM agrees to name future devils working for the Sons of the Scourge after Wu-Tang Clan members. Vezherax says that he spoke to members of the Sons of the Scourge who told him of Aati & Illum’s cowardly retreat in Tarnstead. Upon further questioning, Aati reveals that he doesn’t know where Illum is. He says that their friend, Lane, had been communicating with them through a crystal ball. Lane had told them how to get through a portal that allegedly led to the hideout of the Sons of the Scourge’s leader, Malexxis. When they went through the portal, they were immediately surrounded by reanimated skeletons with nooses around their necks. Illum recognized the noose skeletons from his nightmare and immediately pushed Aati back through the portal as he shouted about how lame the skeletons were. As the skeletons wrapped their nooses around Illum, he destroyed the portal so that the skeletons couldn’t get to Aati, but that also meant that Aati couldn’t get back to Illum. That was the last time that Aati saw Illum, but he says that he can still feel Illum’s energy through his amulet, so he feels certain that Illum is still alive. Lil Justice asks if Aati is the one who destroyed the golem and wrote the message on the wall from before. Aati confirms that he did both of those things. Lil Justice also asks where Carl the Gruel Man is, but Aati says that they were separated from Carl after they escaped prison in Elmoor. Then, the players decide that mimics, in their natural forms, have googly eyes, so that the eyes that Harlow attached to L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s Belt of Dwarvenkind are now googly eyes as well. People in this world are apparently disgusted by the sight of mimic eyes. Vaerog asks Aati how he feels about being turned to gas and Aati admits that he has seriously thought about it on occasion. Vezherax insists that they tie up Aati, because they still believe that he might be dangerous. Aati realizes that he can’t defeat the group, so he agrees to have his hands bound and Lil Justice ties his hands with his manticore belt. The group attempts to open the steel door behind Aati, but they can’t get it to budge, so L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks Forg to look in a small 1.5 foot tall hole in the wall nearby. Forg ribbits and gets a response ribbit from Lil Justice’s afro and they realize that one of Forg’s little frog buddies, Right Eye, had secretly come with them by hiding in Lil Justice’s afro. Forg tells Right Eye to stay safe in the afro and then he looks into the hole, where he sees a treasure chest on the other of a small tunnel. Vaerog sends his Unseen Servant into the tunnel and it retrieves a scroll from the chest. A kobold in the tunnel attempts to swipe at the Unseen Servant, but misses, as the Unseen Servant takes the scroll back to the group and L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts an illusion to make it look like their end of the tunnel is blocked off. Bradperson then uses his Clairvoyance spell to see the other side of the steel door. He sees a room with spikes on the opposite wall and a portion of the wall with 6 statue busts sticking out of it (an Aarakocra, a Sahuagin/fishfolk, a devil, an earth genasi, and an Aasimar). In the center of the wall is a flaming eye that turns and sees the invisible orb that Bradperson is seeing through. The devil statue’s eyes glow and the room goes dark, but Bradperson’s warlock pact allows him to see in magical darkness, so he is unphased. Then, the dragonborn’s eyes glow and the eye shoots fire at the invisible orb. The fireblast causes him to flinch out of the spell. He then switches it to hear what is in the room and he hears the sound of the minotaur clopping around past another steel door on the far side of the locked room. Unable to get through the steel door, they decide to go back to the hallway that was filled with water. Vezherax casts the Sanctuary spell on Forg to protect him from anything that might be in the water. Finally, Forg dives into the murky water, hoping to find a way through.

 

S2 Episode 68 – I Hand the Bird My Résumé

Posted on August 21, 2018

Forg swims through the flooded portion of the labyrinth as his ankle is suddenly caught by the hand of a Sahuagin (fishfolk) corpse. He pulls free of the dead fish man and emerges on the other side of the hall, where he sees the corpse of an Aarakocra reaching out for a lever in the middle of the hall. There are little kobold tunnels in the walls to his right and left as well as a steel door in front of him (past the lever). Forg tries moving the lever into its first position, which seems to open a steel door behind the fire in the leftmost hallway. He moves it into its second position, which causes the steel door in front of him to open. Behind that door, he sees a white section of wall with 6 blue, ethereal tentacles reaching out for him and a voice saying, “Join us!” He quickly pulls the lever back, closing the door. The voice grows louder and the labyrinth begins shaking, causing more of it to collapse, blocking Forg’s path back underwater. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to dislodge the rocks with his hookshot, but only causes more of the ceiling to collapse and further blocking the underwater path. Forg turns the lever to its third and final position, which opens up the door in the far right hallway where they originally met Aati. Unwilling to proceed without Forg, the group decides to talk to the kobolds to figure out a way to free him. Vaerog convinces the kobolds that the Assblasters weren’t the ones who stole the kobolds’ scroll. The kobolds then cryptically reveal that “the fallen ones” become part of the Wall that Forg had seen. They ask the kobolds how to get past the vents that are spewing fire and the kobolds tell them that the silver Gustwing can get through. Lil Justice drinks his Potion of Diminution (AKA “Shrinky Dink Potion”) to become 3 feet tall and go through the kobold tunnels. He gets to the other side of the fire vents and speaks to the bird. He convinces the Gustwing to help them by offering it gold, but they decide against using the Gustwing as Lil Justice has Forg open the steel door in front of him and sees that it leads to the same statue room that they had seen from the opposite hallway where they met Aati. When he peeks in, the fishfolk statue’s eyes light up and a jet of water shoot at Lil Justice from the center of the White Wall. Lil Justice quickly leaves the room and returns to meet his friends. They decide to untie Aati so that he can help them in the fight. Then, they have Forg open up the door in the far right hallway and enter the room with the White Wall and the statues coming out of it. The devil statue and the dragonborn statues’ eyes both light up as the room goes dark and It blasts fire at Lil Justice. Forg hears the sound of the fire blast from the other side of the steel door in front of him just as the episode ends.

 

S2 Episode 69 – Lady’s Night

Posted on September 4, 2018

This is our “ladies’ night” episode which features an all-female audience, consisting entirely of our friend, Christina. The episode begins with Dax deciding to establish that Lil Justice is lactose intolerant (for no particular reason). Bradperson and L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s players roll to compete for who can tolerate lactose better and L.A.Z.H.O.R. wins. Tiny Justice manages to avoid the fire blast and attacks the Aasimar statue, which begins bleeding black, corrosive acid. Then, the statue responds by glowing its eyes and a flash of light is released from the center of the wall. The group attacks the various statues that are sticking out of the wall, as each one causes the wall to release a different counterattack. Aarakocra head (Wind attack), Dragonborn head (Fire attack), Fishfolk head (Water spit), Devil head (Dark attack), Earth Genasi head (Rock Attack), and the Aasimar head (Light attack). Different tentacles correspond to the different statues on Forg’s side. On Forg’s turn, the ethereal tentacles reach through the door and pull the lever to open it, but Forg immediately pulls it closed again. On the wall’s turns it uses combined attacks (i.e. The dragonborn’s fire attack + Aarakocra’s wind attack creates a fire tornado). L.A.Z.H.O.R. pulls out a beach chair and relaxes as he uses his Hunger of Hadar spell on the wall, but the spell’s radius includes Forg, who desperately avoids the spell’s black tentacles until L.A.Z.H.O.R. releases them. Aati attempts to help, but rolls a 1 and his hammer deflects off of the statue into his face, knocking him out. The wall’s wind attack pushes Vaerog back into the spikes on the opposite wall. The group rolls canon dice to decide that the spikes are apparently notably phallic. The wall’s ethereal blue tentacles then reach through the steel door in front of Forg once more and pull the lever, breaking the lever off completely. The ethereal tentacle reaches into Forg’s chest, causing a Forg-shaped statue to start appearing on the other side of the wall. After a few turns, Forg successfully attacks the tentacles connected to the devil statue and the Aasimar statue. When the wall tries to produce light and dark simultaneously, it fails and both statues crumble. Vaerog then uses magic missile to blast the dragonborn and fishfolk statues, causing them to cancel each other out and crumble. Finally, Forg attacks the tentacles connected to the Earth Genasi and the Aarakocra, causing them to cancel each other out and the whole wall crumbles, revealing a key on top of the rubble. Badly wounded from the fight, they decide to rest by having Vaerog use the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell. When they get into the hut, they see that it has been torn apart by Leomund, who is apparently searching for his wedding ring. The group decides to stay quiet about the ring after realizing they left it back in the chariot. Vezherax the dragonborn heals the party members and tells them that he can use the Sending spell to telepathically communicate with Harlow Mountainbrew, since they seem concerned about where he went. Bradperson says that he also knows the Sending spell. Because  the spell only lets them dictate 25 words, L.A.Z.H.O.R. dictates a 50 word message to be split between Vezharax and Bradperson. Vezherax sends the message, “Hey, what’s good. How have you been? I hope you have been doing well. As for us, we’re ok. Last you saw us, we were-” and Bradperson sends the message, “In the middle of a quest, but comma you already knew that because we were in the dungeon together. Anyway, we’re fine. How ‘bout you?” Joe the DM agrees to text this message to Harlow’s player (Charlie) and tell them how he replied in our next session. Bradperson and Tiny Justice begin eating all of Leomund’s finest cheeses from his cupboard, because Dax decided that Lil Justice was lactose intolerant for no particular reason. As they finish, the Potion of Diminution wears off and Tiny Justice returns to his full size, once again referring to himself as Lil Justice. The group all goes to sleep and L.A.Z.H.O.R. sleeps standing up on top of Leomund’s bed, which consequently destroys the bed frame. In the morning, Vaerog asks Leomund how he feels about being turned to gas. After Vaerog successfully gets a high roll, it is determined that Leomund is really into it. Leomund asks Vaerog to turn him into gas and seems really happy about it, but the Tiny Hut spell ends and the group is transported back to the dungeon just before Vaerog can actually cast the spell. The group then uses the key to enter the Minotaur’s room. They see a pile of minotaur bones and conclude that the minotaur must have died of old age and the “eternal life” was a myth. In the room, the group sees the corpse of an Aasimar and an Earth Genasi. The Earth Genasi had a bow right next to it and is full of stab wounds. The Aasimar corpse was full of arrows. On the far end of the room, they see an altar with 5 golden shards on it. Behind the altar, there is the statue of a headless man holding a stone carving that looks identical to the group’s Puzzle Box in one hand. In the statue’s other hand, it is holding a quill. Vaerog’s recognizes this item as the Trickster’s Quill, which allows its user to change the properties of a spell by editing its name in a spellbook. The quill can either add one letter, remove one letter, or substitute one letter of the spell’s name and the spell effect will change accordingly. L.A.Z.H.O.R. takes the artifact shards from the altar and he gives one to each player character. Suddenly, reacting to the shards being removed, the minotaur bones reassemble themselves into a skeletal minotaur with a scimitar. The episode ends as the group prepares for battle.

 

S2 Episode 70 – Leomund’s Tiny Hat

Posted on September 19, 2018

Our original DM, Frankie, joins us for this episode as a player. Instead of reprising his role as Thediem, Frankie instead chooses to play a new character: the bald wood elf monk, Hooup. We rewind slightly from the end of the last episode and, just before the bones assemble themselves, a dazed raccoon walks in the door of the chamber. L.A.Z.H.O.R. slowly fades out of view as he uses his level 7 ability to camouflage with his surroundings. The raccoon is followed by Hooup, who introduces himself and claims to have gotten lost following the raccoon into the dungeon. As the Assblasters are hit with a dank wave of stench, Hooup reveals that he is also carrying a skunk inside his robes. Forg detects that the raccoon is rabid. The skeletal minotaur then begins speaking in Dwarven and says that it’ll show them how the maze was made. The minotaur begins stomping its hooves as 10’ x 5’ stone walls rise from the ground around the Assblasters. The Assblasters run between the rising walls to attack the minotaur as Bradperson and L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempt to fly over them. As the two warlocks rise into the sky, the minotaur stomps his feet again and causes 10’ x 5’ stone slabs to fall from the ceiling on top of them and the other party members. Lil Justice starts feeling that Leomund’s cheese isn’t sitting well in his stomach, due to his lactose intolerance. After a grueling fight, Aati is trapped and knocked unconscious. Forg has L.A.Z.H.O.R. throw his bitchin’ flame sword and he dual-wields both of his swords and he manages to disarm the minotaur with them before breaking the minotaur apart. Before it can reassemble, L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees an aura glow around it. He absorbs the minotaur’s spirit into his arm cannon and gains the ability to create walls himself. As the spirit leaves the skull, it says “Lord Sheeran, I have failed you.” Forg’s little frog buddy, Right Eye hops over to it and closes its eyes as it says, “Goodnight, sweet prince.” Forg attempts to question this strange behavior, but Right Eye is unable to explain it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts one of its eyes in an empty vial as a souvenir for Harlow, because they know that Harlow liked collecting monster eyes. As they are leaving, they realize that the path has been blocked, but they are helped by some of the kobolds who they had stolen from earlier. The kobolds lead them through their tunnels and out to safety. Aati is confused why they would help him, as he had been taught that kobolds were one of the “bad races.” Upon questioning, Aati reveals that he was taught about good/bad races by a man from his monastery named Brother Kramer, who had been kicked out for saying some hateful things about Gnomes. Vezherax encourages Aati to forget everything that Kramer taught him and Aati agrees. Then, they step out of the labyrinth to see that they are surrounded by a thousand shadow zombies and a man with a transparent face, who calls himself the Ghost-faced Killer. Refusing to be taken prisoner, Vezherax tells L.A.Z.H.O.R. to use his new ability to create walls and keep them safe from the zombies while he uses his Turn Undead ability to get them to safety. Meanwhile, Crate begins firing the catapults at them from the castle. After a long battle, they are able to defeat all of the zombies and get to safety. Martha is sad to see that Harlow is no longer with them and Winston imitates her sadness (believing that sadness is a dog thing). Vaerog then prepares the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell so they can rest safely and Vezherax announces that he intends to use the Zone of Truth spell to interrogate Aati.

 

S2 Episode 71 – One and a Half Sheep

Posted on October 2, 2018

Vaerog’s spell transports all of the players to Leomund’s Tiny Hut. Leomund is distraught, because his wife has finally left him. His now ex-wife, Letisha, walks through the door and sees the Assblasters. She mistakenly believes that Leomund has thrown a party, causing her to become angry and leave once more. Forg awkwardly gives back Leomund’s wedding ring (which his frog buddy, Fitty Copper, had previously stolen). This only causes Leomund to burst into tears and attempt to lay down in the bed that L.A.Z.H.O.R. had previously destroyed. For one of the first times, Vaerog actually feels sympathy/guilt for Leomund, so he uses the mending spell to fix his bed. Meanwhile, Vezharax casts the Zone of Truth spell to interrogate Aati. Aati gets defensive and also casts Zone of Truth to make sure that Vezharax’s questions are truthful. This causes the Zones of Truth to take up the entire hut so that nobody can lie. Aati then confirms that everything he previously told them was true. Upon questioning, Aati says that he has no recollection of the old woman, Minerva, who claims to have raised a child matching his description. He also admits that he doesn’t remember anything before the age of 10, so he wouldn’t remember her even if her story is true. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his arm’s projection ability to project a Medieval version of the movie “Snow Dogs” on the wall. He watches it with Winston and Martha. After repeatedly confirming that he has never killed any people, Aati defensively asks how many Vezharax has killed. Unable to lie, Vezharax admits that he killed 23 orcs who had slaughtered his clan when he was young. He had vowed to kill anyone who murdered his clan members. This was before he had taken his vow never to kill another person. When Aati brings up Vezharax’s son, the old dragonborn says that his son was killed by a monster. Vezharax then turns his questions to Hooup, who admits that he wasn’t really lost in the labyrinth and had come there searching for anyone who he could help after all of the citizens of Waleah were killed. He says that he was working as an ambassador for an order of monks at the time of the attack. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then tells Leomund that he loves him and that Leomund is one of his best friends, which is apparently somehow true, because it was said in the Zone of Truth. Vezharax remains suspicious that Aati may have been an unwitting accomplice to Illum, but he ends the interrogation for now.  Bradperson examines the artifact pieces and sees that they have runes which say “To return…. back to the sky… the gods…” They roll canon dice to determine that the artifacts are actually pieces of the Silver Monkey from Legends of the Hidden Temple. The group then decides to go to the city of Khelukkhaz to see if there are more artifacts under the temple there and hopefully get clues as to the location of Illum. With some history rolls, the characters remember that Khelukkhaz lies at the base of a mountain in the center of the Stormlands, where it is eternally raining. There is a magical barrier keeping the rain out of the city. Goblins are apparently treated as equal citizens within the city. It’s queen is a human named Qay’leen, who is believed to be a demigod and is one of the most powerful sorcerers in the world. The characters get in their golden chariot and begin heading to Khelukkhaz. As they’re on their way through the Stormlands, they send Lil Justice’s silver raven back to Winston’s former fairy master, Robin Goodfellow, to insult him and ask him if he’s seen Illum.

 

S2 Episode 72 – Dude Ranch

Posted on October 17, 2018

This episode begins a few days after end of the last. The Assblasters are arriving at the city of Khelukkhaz as lil Justice’s silver raven figurine, Simon, returns to him. Dax uses his canon dice roll to determine that his silver raven token sings a song that is very similar (but legally distinct) from the Mail Song in Blue’s Clues. Robin Goodfellow’s reply returns Lil Justice’s insults and says that he hasn’t seen anyone who looks like Illum. At the outskirts of the city, Aati & Vezharax choose to stay outside, for fear that Aati would be recognized as a wanted fugitive. The group then steps through the magical barrier that blocks the rain as they enter the city of Khelukkhaz. They see humans and goblins stepping out of the city to collect rain water for their homes. The adventurers walk through the city and see that it is full of flowers and all of the buildings are painted different colors. They head through to the other side of the city and back into the rain, where they find Khelukkhaz’s temple of Moradin. They head inside and talk to the head of the monastery, Brother Gossan, who L.A.Z.H.O.R. mistakenly believes is a janitor. Brother Gossan says that he is aware of crypts underneath the monastery, but that Queen Qay’leen has taken the key for safekeeping after reportss of cultists attacking the monasteries and that they would need an appointment to see her.  They re-enter the city to get an appointment, but are told that the next appointment is in two weeks. When the goblin attendant leaves his desk, they check the appointment book and see that the first appointment is an ellipsis followed by an address and that it is scheduled for the following morning. L.A.Z.H.O.R. pencils his name in between the dots of the ellipsis and they head to the address, hoping to convince the appointee to share their appointment with them. As they head back into the rain, Hooup’s raccoon companion wanders off into the woods and he chases it until he runs into Vezharax and Aati, who saw them exit the city and are wondering what they are doing. After explaining the situation, Hooup, Vezharax, and Aati rejoin the group and they head to a dillapidated farm. At this point in the episode, the players are joined by two of our friends, Kaylin and Christina. The group goes to the rainy ranch and Andy rolls canon dice to make it canon that it is, in fact, a “dude ranch” (open to interpretation). Joe the DM decides to interpret it so that every animal on the farm is male. While it is unclear how an all-male animal farm functions, the adventurers proceed inside the farm and talk to the owner, a dark-skinned Dwarven man named Comma. He introduces his daughter, Ellipsis, and tells them that he was recently attacked by a Yeti from the snowy mountains nearby. The adventurers are eager to offer to slay the Yeti for him, but he tells them that he actually already hired a bounty hunter to take care of the Yeti and that he just needs someone to take care of the menial labor around the farm while he is healing. Comma claims that the temple of Moradin charges fees to heal non-fatal wounds and he can’t afford those fees. The group agrees to help around the farm in exchange for his appointment with the queen. He agrees and sends them with his daughter, Ellipsis. The group then meets Queen Qay’leen and her hideous blob-headed goblin handmaiden. Because Kaylin is the DM’s girlfriend, the players are expecting the magnificent Queen Qay’leen to be played by her. Instead, Kaylin introduces herself as the queen’s handmaiden, Phart the goblin. Qay’leen reveals that she has seen a vision of the Assblasters coming to her and that she will give them the key, but because they cut in line, she demands that they fulfill their promise to Comma first. Bradperson uses Detect Magic and sees that the queen’s crown is enchanted and is letting her read their minds. Phart accompanies them back to the ranch to ensure that they keep their vow. The group heads back to the farm and rests for the night. In the morning, they begin helping around the farm. The Yeti attack had apparently broken the fences and freed many animals, including all of Comma’s sheep. Vaerog uses his Tricker’s Quill to change his “Sleep” spell into a “Sheep” spell. When he casts it, 5 sheep appear before the spell stops working. After it has been cast, he notices all of the sheep have been branded with the phrase “Property of Leomund.”

 

S2 Episode 73 – Come at Me, Shrimp Man!

Posted on November 3, 2018

We’re joined once more by guests, Kaylin and Christina. The Assblasters divide up the menial tasks to help out Comma’s ranch. Vaerog uses his Mending cantrip to mend the fences around the farm. Hooup and Lil Justice try to track down some missing jackalopes. They track them to a nearby lake, where Lil Justice attempts to use his Speak to Animals ability to reason with them while Winston and Martha cut off their escape routes. They manage to wrangle half of the jackalopes, but the others escape and are eaten by ogres in the forest. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to help renew the ranch’s lease by negotiating with the bank. He puts on the set of nobles’ clothing that he stole from Pabarel Darkstone’s house and disguises himself as “A.A.Z.H.O.R.” (the Aristocratic Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot) heads to the bank. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds the head banker, a 3 foot tall tiefling named Skrrrap. After some failed attempts at persuasion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses the Suggestion spell to make Skrrrap agree to give them another year to pay back their lease. He attempts to find out where Skrrrap personally keeps his money, but seems to decide against robbing the banker when he discovers that the money is in the bank and is guarded by paladins from the nearby temple of Moradin. Then, L.A.Z.H.O.R. leaves and destroys the door by walking straight through it on his way out. As that is happening, Forg and Bradperson attempt to track down 3 golden-egg laying geese. Bradperson flies above the forest and spots an ogre carrying two geese. When he and Forg approach, they see that the third goose is beind held alive in the ogre’s mouth. The ogre grunts something at them, but they don’t understand it. The ogre then begins squeezing the geese’s necks, so Forg and Bradperson kill the ogre by cutting off its hands and head to free the geese. Finally, Phart and Vaerog sgo with Ellipsis and set up a tent in the market to sell meat and wool at the annual market fair. Vaerog mostly ignores the task and focuses on getting books from another tent. He uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Counterspell” into “Countersell” in order to buy, sell, and re-buy a book about dragon anatomy while somehow making a profit off of his purchase. Phart does some shouting to attract customers and makes a few sales before finding out that a poor goblin child stole some of their meat. Vaerog chases the child down. The child rolls a critical fail and trips, so Vaerog catches him and holds him upside down until all of the meat and wool falls out of his pockets. He says that he is an orphan and is starving, so Vaerog takes back the wool, but lets him keep the meat. An hour later, a group of beggar children come over, saying that they heard the tent was giving away free meat. Ellipsis has fallen asleep and Vaerog is indifferently reading in the back of the tent, so Phart decides to give away the rest of the meat. Then, they all meet back at the ranch and try to do the last task. Comma has informed them that the bull needs help breeding. Apparently, the bull only gets “in the mood” is witnessing platonic male bonding. The group talks about their day, sings together, and then attempts to collectively pee in Vaerog’s Bowl of Commanding Water Elementals. Seeing that the cow is still unimpressed, Vaerog admits that he is thankful that the others saved him from Hell and that he has grown fond of them all. L.A.Z.H.O.R. points out that they’ve all already done more than they needed to for the farm and that they’ve all shared this bizarre yet pointless experience. Aati suggests that they’re really just trying to arouse this bull because they enjoy each other’s company. With that, the bull is fully erect and it heads into the barn to mate with a rental cow.

 

S2 Episode 74 – Senpai in the Front, Hentai in the Back

Posted on November 14, 2018

The Assblasters go into Comma’s house to tell him that all of the work has been completed. He invites them to stay the night and they all go to bed. In the middle of the night, they are awoken by a loud knocking at the door. They see a monstrous figure at the door covered in Yeti fur. The figure opens the door and throws down the Yeti furs to reveal that it is a half-orc named DeathDeath Murderkill. Mr. Murderkill identifies himself as the bounty hunter who was hired to kill the Yeti. He revealed that he had also killed the Yeti’s two babies, saying that it was the humanitarian thing to do rather than let them starve or grow up to become dangerous to people. Hooup seems disturbed by this, but doesn’t fight it. Deathdeath collects his payment and says that he will be taking the Yeti furs to keep him warm while he hunts a golden dragon up north. Vaerog expresses interest in accompanying him to find this dragon, but then the banker, Skrrrap, shows up to complain that he suspects that L.A.Z.H.O.R. cast a spell on him and he intends to take legal action to rescind his decision to extend the lease. After some argument, L.A.Z.H.O.R. simply casts the Suggestion spell on him again to make him go away. Without Skrrrap’s drama, Deathdeath Murderkill becomes bored and decides to leave as well. He insults Ellipsis on his way out and Comma remarks that people like him always “get what’s comin’ to ‘em.” The group returns to bed as Vezharax asks Lil Justice to speak to him privately outside. They stand on the porch, protected from the rain, where Vezharax apologizes to Lil Justice for having killed orcs in his past. Vezharax says that these were gray-skinned orcs who were likely unrelated to the blue-skinned Lil Justice. Vezharax explains that he was honor-bound to fulfill his promise to avenge his clan. Apparently, in the religion of Bahamut, there is a legend that the dragonborn asked the dragon God to “do [them] a solid.” Instead, Bahamut did them three solids. He promised that they would have his protection & guidance in this world, that all their questions would be answered upon their death, and that their spirits would live with him in his halls for all eternity; however, whenever a dragonborn breaks a promise, one of those three things is denied to that dragonborn. Vezharax says that he vowed never to kill again after avenging his clan members. In light of his apology, Lil Justice forgives him and promises to talk down any orc ever who tries to harm Vezharax. When Lil Justice goes to sleep, he has a dream of a past event where he was next to an orcish chieftain with a familiar voice. The man says that they have finally found some treasure and the two walk into a building. As he enters, the scene changes and he needs to dodge an enormous cheese wheel. Then, he finds himself in an ancient temple with something on an altar. As he approaches the altar, he is spooked by the ghost of the man he killed (Captain Sassafras). The nightmare wakes him and he goes to sharpen his axe. In the morning, they find a note left for them by Ellipsis asking them to teach her how to be an adventurer. The note mentions that her father doesn’t want her learning to fight, so they would need to keep it secret. She says that she will be waiting for them in the barn. The group takes a vote on whether it’s a good idea to go against Comma’s wishes and teach the child to fight. Vaerog, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Vezharax, Bradperson vote against teaching her. With Aati casting a tie-breaking vote, they decide to compromise. Rather than teach her to fight, Hooup goes to the barn and teaches her the basics of the Sanctuary spell. He advises her that running and hiding are always the safest options. L.A.Z.H.O.R. confuses the advice by suggesting that sometimes it is appropriate to “violently attacking” anyone who seems threatening, but Hooup tells her to ignore him. She promises to follow Hooup’s advice and the Assblasters head toward the temple. Aati pulls the men aside and says that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to enter the temple, because he’s a wanted fugitive after the arena explosion in Elmoor. He doesn’t want to say this in front of Phart, because she is working for Queen Qay’leen and he thinks she is a “narc”. Apparently, it is canon that there is a mythological creature called a Narc, which is a ratlike creature has wings that look like those of the golden snitch from the Harry Potter universe. Apparently this golden rat/snitch creature is prone to finding out people’s secrets and then repeating them. After rolling a 20 on persuasion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. manages to convince him to enter the temple in disguise. Vaerog uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Disguise Self” to “Disguise: Self”. This allows Vaerog to disguise Aati by making him look exactly like Vaerog. The group enters the temple and Phart uses her key to open the entrance to the Crypts beneath the altar. They quickly discover that the entrance has been caved in around an unfortunate man who appears to have attempted to enter the temple without the key, triggering some kind of trap. Aati and Vezharax recognize the purple robes emblazoned with a silver horn and identify it as belonging to the Sons of the Scourge. With the front entrance caved in, Brother Gossan advises them to go up the mountain and use the back entrance. The group heads for the base of the mountain and prepares to climb.

 

S2 Episode 75 – MC THICC BOI

Posted on November 28, 2018

Frankie wasn’t able to make it for this session, so the group treats Hooup as an NPC. As they stand at the base of the mountain, Crate realizes that the chariot isn’t going to make it up, so she returns to Comma’s farm with Winston, Martha, and Forg’s frog buddies. Vezharax returns L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s copy of the tome containing the script to Snow Dogs. Aati says that his favorite character was Demon and Vezharax says that his favorite was Thunderjack. As the group climbs the mountain, they get into an argument about their favorite characters, which eventually leads into an argument about Illum. Vezharax states that he thinks that Illum is literal monster (possibly a changeling), because he has never heard of an Aasimar without wings and that Illum’s lack of knowledge of human society and his willingness to kill were suspicious. As the Assblasters reach the peak of the mountain, the argument also reaches its peak. Aati argues that Illum couldn’t have possibly destroyed the arena, because it was done with shadow energy and the only ones with shadow energy were Nemestraehi and himself. Aati says that his shadow powers don’t count, because they were the result of Nemestraehi’s poison. Vezharax calls this into question by asking if Aati has ever heard of a poison granting powers to its victim. Vezharax then tells Aati that the zombies only started appearing in Tarnstead right after Aati left it. In the midst of this revelation, the group realizes that they aren’t alone on the mountain. They are approached by a bizarre man holding a kite with a key on the string. In response to a joke by Kaylin, Joe the DM decides that the man looks like Benjamin Franklin. The kite-flying stranger introduces himself as Magister Grelkin, who Vaerog had previously read about in one of his books. Grelkin invites them inside his home on the mountain and serves them tea. He tells them that the Crypts are full of secrets that the Dwarves are trying to bury; primarily machines from the war against the elves. After warning them of the mage-slaying prototypes, Vaerog persuades Grelkin to teach him the Lightning Bolt spell in exchange for being turned to gas. The players roll canon dice to decide that magical spells incantations often use an ancient language to ask for the opposite of the thing that the spell grants. Grelkin then floats away in the hopes of observing lightning up close in his temporary gaseous form. L.A.Z.H.O.R. briefly considers burning down Grelkin’s house so that they can move on to the Crypts sooner. As they are exiting the house, he leaves it up to chance whether his lit match burns the house down, but the rain on the mountain extinguishes the flame before anything can be burnt. As the group approaches the mountaintop entrance to the Crypts, they see ancient ruins to a dragon god on a nearby mountain peak (the ruins of Kinet). Then, they finally get to the entrance to the Crypts, a giant stone door with a metal orb in the center. The orb speaks to them and asks them to put their most prized possession in a nearby well. Phart quickly lowers the stakes by telling everyone that they will get their prized possessions back and this is just a test of character. In light of this, Lil Justice drops in his grandfather’s heirloom axe, Forg throws in the barrel of beer that he got from Harlow, Phart throws in her hammer, Bradperson throws in his coin purse full of 420 gold, and Vaerog throws in his Bowl of Commanding Water Elementals. After fighting it and being persuaded, L.A.Z.H.O.R. finally throws in his hat under the promise that he would receive a larger version of his hat as a reward. It’s not mentioned out loud, but it is assumed that Aati and Vezharax throw their most prized possessions in the well also. Those would be Aati’s hammer and a bag of old letters, respectively. With this, the doors finally open. The Assblasters head down the stairs and are able to retrieve their possessions. Vaerog quietly casts Minor Illusion to make L.A.Z.H.O.R. think that his hat has grown larger. The metal ball rolls past them and unfolds its bottom half into a set of six legs. It introduces itself as Mechanical Construct TH1CC, model B0I. It says that they can call it MC Thicc Boi for the sake of efficiency. Then, they head into a room with 5 glowing green spots on the ground. MC Thicc Boi asks them to recite a password, but Phart wasn’t told that there would be a password. The group makes three guesses, but all of them are wrong. In response, MC Thicc Boi says that it is going to vaporize them all. The metal orb begins shooting poisonous vapor at them and says that the only thing that will allow them to proceed is a “sign from the heavens.” When they try attacking MC Thicc Boi, the metal orb is just sent rolling away and takes no damage. Lil Justice accidentally knocks the orb into Vezharax’s legs, knocking him over. After knocking the ball around, they realize that the green spots light up when MC Thicc Boi is knocked through them, but they unlight if he goes through two of them that are right next to each other. After some experimenting, Dax realizes that the “sign from the heavens” means they need to make the shape of a star. The group members all reposition and they knock MC Thicc Boi back and forth between themselves in the shape of a star. Upon going through the fifth green spot, the doors finally open and the are allowed to pass. MC Thicc Boi remains convinced that they are intruders who were lucky enough to figure out the puzzle’s solution, so it leads them out of the room. The metal orb is now out of poison spray and is unable to attack; however, it still remains determined to find a way to destroy them.

 

S2 Episode 76 – Hold on There, Dr. Science

Posted on December 12, 2018

Joe reveals some new character art for Vezharax, Bradperson, and Phart. Back in the game, MC Thicc Boi leads the group through the halls of the Crypts of Khelukkhaz. He runs ahead and jumps over an obviously trapped tile and encourages the group to walk on it. The group all easily jumps over the tile before Bradperson summons a warhammer to attack the trapped tile. His attack causes a spiked platform to swing out from the wall. It hits Aati’s arm, causing his shadow tentacles to tear the trap out of the wall. Aati insists that he didn’t command the tentacles to do that and Vezharax notes that they seem to be acting based on his impulses. The group proceeds to a entry way into an enormous room with a 200 foot tall statue of a cloaked smiling woman holding a set of scales with stone platforms on each scale. On the other side of the room, there is a  The group encourages Vezharax to step onto the closer scale, causing it to drop 60 feet and raise the opposite platform, as two suits of animated armor are dropped from a chute onto the scale next to Vezharax. It becomes a running joke that a pen is used to represent the bridge between the two platforms. The group rolls canon dice to determine that the bridge in the game actually looks like an enormous pen. After successfully beating the animated suits of armor, two more drop down and are eventually defeated amidst the balancing act. The members land on opposite sides of the scales and attempt to balance them until Niccolo has the idea to use the Immovable Rod to hold the scales in place. The plan is successful and the group is able to get past the scales. Hooup uses his dash ability to run back and retrieve the Immovable Rod before the scales can unbalance themselves. Then, MC Thicc Boi reveals a secret lever that allows him to balance the scales so that he can catch up to the crew and lead them further into the Crypts.

 

S2 Episode 77 – It’s All Ogre Now

Posted on December 25, 2018

Frankie rejoins the group this week. Joe asks him what Hooup would have thrown in the well to gain access to the Crypts. Frankie decides that Hooup’s most precious possession would be his bindle with his food, because he doesn’t really believe in any possessions besides food and necessities. The group takes a short rest and then heads to a room at the bottom of the Crypts, where they see the feet of the enormous statue that was holding the scales that they balanced on in the previous episode. Between the feet of the statue, there is an altar with more silver artifact pieces. In the center of the room, they encounter a series of pits surrounding an automaton that looks suspiciously like what L.A.Z.H.O.R. would look like if his metal parts covered his whole body. MC Thicc Boi says that this is a Gnomish design and it is called “the Mage Slayer.” MC Thicc Boi then encourages the Assblasters to cast a spell in front of it. Bradperson flies over the Mage Slayer and examines the artifact pieces when the rest of the group is approached from behind by the Ghost-Faced Killer and two ogre zombies. The Ghost-Faced Killer taunts them by telling them that his devil “friend”, Raekwon, is destroying the city of Khelukkhaz up above. L.A.Z.H.O.R. successfully rolls a bluff check to get the Ghost-Faced Killer to reveal how much he knows about the horn. The Ghost-Faced Killer says that the artifact pieces are allegedly part of a horn that can summon and bind a god. Upon hearing this, Aati becomes furious. Based on the fact that the Sons of the Scourge have been destroying temples of Moradin, he pieces together that they might be trying to bind and/or even destroy Moradin. He rushes the Ghost-Faced Killer, who responds by using a black fire attack to knock him into one of the pits in the room. Vezharax tries to keep Aati from falling, but they are both pulled into the pit. Vezharax calls out from the pit that Aati shielded Vezharax’s fall, but that Aati is unconscious. Aati then apparently stands up and shadow tentacles emerge, flailing wildly from every part of the pit and attacking Vezharax. The Ghost-Faced Killer mockingly tells L.A.Z.H.O.R. for appearing not to know why he does what he does, but seeming compelled to do it regardless. Then, Lil Justice attacks him and he commands his ogre zombies to attack. The players then decide to roll canon dice to determine that all ogres look, sound, smell, and taste(?) like Shrek. Avi calls in his little sister and she rolls a natural 20, so it becomes canon. In response to the Ghost-Faced Killer casting his spell attack on Aati, the Mage Slayer activates and teleports to the Ghost-Faced Killer before turning to attack everyone else in the room. A heated battle ensues as they fight the Ghost-Faced Killer and the ogres while the Mage Slayer teleports and attacks anyone who casts a magic spell. Bradperson flies above the Mage Slayer and examines it. He is able to conclude that the Mage Slayer absorbs magical energy from spells cast in its presence and this energy powers it, but that it is unable to absorb the energy and resist it at the same time, so it is actually vulnerable to magic. Forg destroys one ogre zombie with his swords and Vaerog destroys the other with a lightning bolt, causing them to explode and do damage to Forg, Lil Justice, and the Ghost-Faced Killer. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. punches the Ghost-Faced Killer in his face, causing the image of a blond man’s face to appear for a second, before returning to the image of the ghostly face. The Ghost-Faced Killer then decides to retreat and escapes, while leaving the group to fight the Mage Slayer. Phart rushes to the pit and drops a rope to pull out Vezharax. The Mage Slayer then stretches out a ghostly white chain between it and MC Thicc Boi and it begins using MC Thicc Boi as a wrecking ball. Realizing that the Mage Slayer will retaliate if they cast magic, they attempt to overload it by casting all of their spells simultaneously. Vaerog, Bradperson, L.A.Z.H.O.R., and Vezharx cast their strongest spells at the same time and find out that their spells do double damage. The Mage Slayer is severely damaged, but attempts a retaliation before Bradperson counters with his Hellish Rebuke and blasts it through the altar. Forg then kicks MC Thicc Boi into the nearby pit, hoping to be rid of it forever. The Mage Slayer is broken and half, but still attempts to crawl toward them until L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees its aura leaking out and uses his arm cannon to suck in its reiki. With that, he absorbs its power and gains the ability to turn his arm into ghostly white chains. When he attempts to use it, the chain shoots into the pit, pulling MC Thicc Boi out. L.A.Z.H.O.R. realizes that he has the ability to use MC Thicc Boi as a wrecking ball now. Vezharax uses a Healing Word spell to reawaken Aati, causing the tentacles to disappear as they help him out of the pit. They take the silver artifact pieces off of the altar and feel power flowing through them as the group all levels up to Level 8. The group then heads toward the exit, only to find that it is actually the caved-in entrance beneath the temple of Moradin that they had previously tried to enter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his new ability to smash MC Thicc Boi through the rubble and clear the entrance. Forg then punts MC Thicc Boi through the entrance into the temple above as they finally return above ground.

 

S2 Episode 78 – Bringin’ Out the Night Shrimp

Posted on January 8, 2019

The Assblasters exit the Crypts and find themselves in Khelukkhaz’s temple of Moradin, which is now full of the corpses of murdered clergy and a few dead Sons of the Scourge who died in the battle. At the front door, there is a guard in platemail who is pointing a bow and arrow at a white dragonborn cultist who is holding Brother Gossan hostage. The white dragonborn is wearing the purple robes of the Sons of the Scourge and she tells Brother Gossan that he should, “Tell your false god that Malexxis is coming.” Then, she uses her ice breath on Brother Gossan’s face, blinding him and severely damaging his face. The guard shoots an arrow through her throat, killing her instantly. Vezharax quickly tries to heal Brother Gossan as the guard rushes over to Phart. Phart recognizes the guard as Señor Stanko. He says that he is glad she is safe and tells her that Queen Qay’leen wants to speak with her soon. They head outside to see that the magical barrier is no longer keeping the rain out of the city. Miles in the distance, they can see a large bat-like devil creature having a battle with Queen Qay’leen before she impales it with an enormous pillar of ice. After that, the sounds of battle begin to quiet and the remaining Sons of the Scourge begin to retreat. The Assblasters are told that the guards will handle the remaining zombies, so they head to the Sans ranch to get Crate and their chariot. When they arrive, they find that Comma has been knocked unconscious and Crate is trying to wake him. Hooup heals him and he frantically tells them that an ogre zombie had attacked the ranch. It ignored the animals and tried to kill him, but Ellipsis used herself as bait to lure it away. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. both cast the Guidance spell to assist. Bradperson flies up high and spots a trail of shadow energy leading into the forest. He follows the trail and the others pursue closely behind. They quickly find Ellipsis trapped inside a hollow log. In an attempt to get her out of the log, the ogre zombie has impaled itself on a branch and collapsed part of the log on her legs. The zombie is badly wounded and looks like it could explode at any moment. After rolling for initiative, Hooup runs in to heal Ellipsis and to try to get between her and the ogre. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then uses the wall-generating ability that he stole from the minotaur in order to break the branch that is impaling the ogre. L.A.Z.H.O.R. forms one barrier between the ogre and the log and then one between the ogre and Hooup. Then, Bradperson casts Banishment to temporarily send the ogre to a pocket dimension. With the immediate threat handled, Vaerog lets Lil Justice break open the log to free Ellipsis. Hooup carries her to safety and they all stand 300 yards away. When the ogre reappears, L.A.Z.H.O.R. snipes it out with a lazer beam as they watch the explosion from a safe distance. Upon returning Ellipsis to her father, he offers them all one gold piece each as a reward. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Bradperson take the gold, but the rest refuse it. Lil Justice takes a knife from his afro and gives it to Comma, saying that it will be Comma’s decision whether to give it to Ellipsis when she is old enough or to keep it for himself. Then, Phart sees that it is no longer raining over the city, which means that Qay’leen has returned. Phart says farewell to the Assblasters as Forg advises her never to spell “icup.” Part returns to Lady Qay’leen and tells her of her adventures. Phart says that she believes the Dwarves are up to something, because they were hiding weapons and a Mage Slayer prototype in the Crypts beneath the temple. She requests an expeditionary force so that she can investigate both the Dwarves and the Sons of the Scourge. Qay’leen tell her she can pick whichever soldiers she wants for the mission and wishes her luck, but asks her to say goodbye to her parents, Lady Flatula and Mr. Toots. Meanwhile, the Assblasters decide to investigate the temple of Del’Tassi next. As they leave the Stormlands, they come upon the Field of Blades, which was the site of a famous battle between the Dwarves and the Elves. This was apparently the farthest north that the Elves ever marched before they were ambushed and slaughtered. The Dwarves left the Elven swords on the ground where they were dropped as a symbol of their defeat. That night, as the group makes camp, Forg hears a familiar bird call, which he recognizes as one native to his home continent. He follows the call and it leads him to the Field of Blades, in which 4 cloaked men now stand. They greet him and say, “Hello, Queensblade. We are from your homeland. It’s good to see you…”

 

S2 Episode 79 – Drink Some Beer and Lead a Rebellion

Posted on January 22, 2019

Forg follows the familiar bird call to find four cloaked figures standing in the field of blades. They reveal themselves to be men from his hometown: Ranndi of S’vaj, a famous executioner called “The TakeUnderer”, Veenz of House Makmaen, and his former squire Toady. They say that there were rumors that he had escaped the invasion of the Bandirian empire by disguising himself as a frog man. They had heard stories of a frog man who defeated a devil lord (D’Jay’Kaled), so they decided to track down this frog man and they eventually made their way to Forg. They ask him to come home and lead a rebellion, saying that the emperor has been poisoned and is on his deathbed while his court sorcerer is away, looking for a cure. Veenz challenges Forg to a fight, demanding that Forg prove that he is still worthy to lead the rebellion in his current form. Avi rolls canon dice to attempt to make it so that he will become the DM if Forg wins the fight, but Avi rolls a 2, so he doesn’t become the DM. Veenz claims to have studied all of Forg’s sword techniques. He counters Forg’s sword slashes and manages to avoid most of the damage from them. Realizing that his swords are ineffective, Forg decides to rely on techniques that he learned after leaving his homeland. Forg begins using wrestling moves on Veenz, who is completely caught off guard and quickly defeated. After Veenz admits defeat, Toady rewards Forg by returning his old breastplate to him: a chrome breastplate which features the symbol of the Queensblade (a sword with a crown for a hilt). Forg then returns to the Assblasters to tell them that he must leave. He reveals that he was not always a frog-man, but that he was transformed into one in order to better hide from the Empire. Avi also decides that the other continent apparently communicates via messenger penguins and the “Head Gondolier penguin” is named Jeeves. Meanwhile, MC Thicc Boi had been attempting to slowly bury Lil Justice in his sleep. With that plan foiled by Lil Justice being awoken, MC Thicc Boi reveals that it has a “going away present” for Forg. As Forg kicks it into the woods, it commands orcs to destroy the Assblasters. A group of half-orcs then steps out of the woods. It turns out that one of them is Lil Justice’s old friend, Nevlan Bloodfoot, and they intend to party with the Assblasters. MC Thicc Boi had apparently been confused by Nevlan’s use of the phrase “getting destroyed” in reference to alcohol consumption. After a long night of partying, Forg heads to the ship that was prepared for them. Despite Veenz’s attempt to kill Forg, Forg feels that Veenz has learned his lesson and his power is needed for the rebellion, so Forg agrees to take Veenz on the boat back to their homeland along with the other citizens of the Western Continent. Forg then dabs one final time and wishes the assblasters farewell as he sails away toward the rising sun.

 

S2 Episode 80 – Super Barrio Bros.

Posted on February 6, 2019

The group wakes up after a night of partying as Nevlan and his orc companions are making a camp fire. He throws some devil horn powder into the fire and breathes it in along with his companions. Crate tries playing fetch with Martha and Winston, but Martha is too lazy to chase the stick. Winston sees this and determines that fetch must not be a thing that dogs do. In his quest to become more of a dog, he lays down and tries to ignore the stick. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Hooup, and Bradperson all join Nevlan in breathing the devil horn. Nevlan says that he’s going to a city called Gashak to hunt a werewolf. A vampire named Badaro is in charge and hired Nevlan to hunt it. Nevlan says that Gashak is a city full of monsters. After that, Nevlan and his buddies become too high to continue the conversation, so the Assblasters get in their chariot and head to Del’Tassi. On the road, they hear a bard singing in the distance. The bard sings a song about a man being healed by an elf who he was soon to wed. When it gets to the chorus, it becomes apparent that the song is about Lil Justice. The Assblasters go to the source of the song and find another group of adventurers under a pavilion surrounded by deep puddles. There is a gray-skinned orc who is playing the song with his lute. He stops and introduces himself as Barrio. Lil Justice identifies himself as the subject of Barrio’s song, causing Barrio to get excited and introduce his whole group. Barrio’s companions include: Zeri, a blonde female wood elf; Ifania, a Purple Tiefling woman with spiral horns; Flamez, a very religious fire Genasi with flaming hair; and Dribble, their grumbling male Gnome enforcer. As Hooup investigates the deep puddles, a goblin pops out of the puddle and introduces herself as Jizz. She says she is a strong swimmer and has been swimming between the puddles, which are interconnected underground. MC Thicc Boi becomes excited about the possibility that Barrio’s group will kill the Assblasters. Barrio insists that they are friendly and invites the Assblasters to share a meal. MC Thicc Boi becomes worried that he has become a good luck charm and that he has led them to a life of nothing but parties and joy. He begins to sob uncontrollably as the Assblasters have a nice meal and conversation with Barrio’s group. Jizz keeps asking if anyone wants to help him with the dragon in his hometown. Barrio says that they are a group of travelers who are on their way to Fuluz’Mora to meet up with their benefactor. They are trying to help and feed anyone in need on their way. They offer some gold and wine to the Assblasters. Barrio plays some music for them as they eat, while Zeri and Ifanya dance together. Aati comments that he and Illum were close friends just like the two young women. Then, the women kiss and Aati awkwardly explains that he and Illum weren’t quite that close. When Lil Justice goes to get the wine, he sees that their satchels also contain the purple robes of the Sons of the Scourge. Lil Justice has the horrifying realization that they have been eating alongside cultists. He asks Barrio to explain. Barrio says that the robes were gifts from their benefactor; a man named Tristan. He asks them to sit down as he tells them a tale.

 

S2 Episode 81 – Scourgey Hut Jr.

Posted on February 21, 2019

Barrio explains that he and his friends were recruited to the Sons of the Scourge by a man named Tristan. Aati wonders if this might be the same Tristan who went missing from his monastery, but Barrio says that the Tristan who he met is a blond human, unlike the bald Dwarf who Aati knew. Barrio’s group claims to know nothing of the atrocities that the Sons of the Scourge have committed. He says that the “Scourge” was a great calamity that occurred many years ago and that his cult was born out of a desire to make sure that such a calamity never occurs again. Zeri the wood elf claims that she has foreseen a war to come and the destruction of Fuluz’Mora. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if she sees any of the Assblasters in her vision. She says that she sees L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice, but Hooup is blurry. She doesn’t see the others, but she does see clouds of gas. The Assblasters are unsuccessful in convincing Barrio’s group that the Sons of the Scourge are evil, but they get Barrio’s group to agree to leave if they are asked to do anything questionable. Barrio says that he is supposed to meet Tristan at an inn called the Golden Tapir. The Assblasters decide to head to Del’Tassi, but then to head to the Golden Tapir afterward to try to intercept that message. As they are leaving, Barrio tries to give them the gold that he had offered them. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Bradperson take the gold. Lil Justice gives them 5 gold. Hoop sneaks 5 gold to Lil Justice. Vaerog rejects the gold. The Assblasters then head to the valley between two mountains, where the temple of Del’Tassi is nestled. As they walk in, they see that all of the brothers are laying face down and they assume the worst. When Aati goes to check on one of them, the face-down man informs them that they had missed the party. It becomes apparent that they were all alive, but passed out from a wild night of partying. Aati then leads the protagonists to the main hall, where they encounter a group of men wearing togas and playing cards on the back of a man who is on all fours. Aati introduces the men to the Assblasters. Their names are: Bryce, Skyler, Cody, Brody, Topher, Tripp, Hunter, Brayden, Cayden, and Todd. The man who is imitating a table is referred to as “the pledge” and is verbally abused any time he attempts to speak. The protagonists are told that their leader, Brother Chadwick, has just finished meditating and they are free to speak to him. The group heads to Brother Chadwick’s room to discover a young red dragon wearing a baseball cap. The red dragon greets the Assblasters as Aati realizes that he had forgotten to mention that Brother Chadwick was a dragon.

 

S2 Episode 82 – The Man Who Had to Gladiate

Posted on March 6, 2019

Aati speaks to Brother Chadwick about the Sons of the Scourge, finding it strange that the cultists haven’t attacked Del’Tassi. Brother Chadwick says that he has been talking to Brother Cole from Waleah, but Aati points out that everyone in Waleah was killed weeks ago. Having been caught in a lie, Brother Chadwick reveals that Del’Tassi isn’t a real monastery. It was built as a monastery, but then abandoned. Chadwick and his group found the place and took up residence. When Aati was brought in, he assumed they were worshipers of Moradin and they allowed him to believe that as a joke. Aati’s hazing was all dressed up as holy rituals. When Aati suddenly gained healing abilities, Chadwick decided that the right thing would be to send him to a real monastery, which is how he ended up in Tarnstead. Aati is distraught that he has been lied to and he storms off into the library (which has been converted into a party room). When the group follows Aati into the room, they find him reminiscing about the books that he read there. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. remind Aati that all of the things he learned are real, even if the circumstances around them were a joke. After sufficient comforting, Aati thanks them for their support and they return to Brother Chadwick. Brother Chadwick reveals that a few members of the Sons of the Scourge had visited them and he had allowed them to enter the caverns underneath the temple through the magical vortex of water in his room. Chadwick says that the Pledge is the only one who has been down there and that he was sent down as a prank. The group speaks to the Pledge, who crawls into the room on all fours. The Pledge tells them that he was bitten by some kind of shadow dog twice before he left the caverns. The second bite apparently hurt twice as bad as the first one. He shows them wounds surrounded by shadow energy. Hooup spends 5 points of healing to heal the man-table’s bite wound infection. After hearing that there is shadow energy in the caverns, Aati elects to stay behind and read the books to try to find something helpful. Vezharax chooses to stay behind with him, saying that he will use the Sending spell to communicate any useful information that they find. Hooup casts Guidance on Aati to help him find the information. Lil Justice rituals up Speak with Animals to potentially speak to the shadow dog as Hooup casts Sanctuary on himself. Then, Brother Chadwick throws down a rope so they can all go down into the vortex. Dax rolls canon dice to determine that Chadwick has information regarding Carl the Gruel Man. Chadwick tells them that he has hard of Garl the Cruel Man, who is apparently a warrior in the arena of Gashak. The Assblasters seem determined to beat up this cruel man and stop his cruelty, but Brother Chadwick clarifies that the cruel man is only actually cruel to his opponents (not to the general public), which the Assblasters agree is understandable. Finally, the Assblasters climb the rope down into the vortex and enter the caverns. They land on a pile of dirt and bones and Lil Justice quickly finds himself dodging an attack from the shadow dog. The group quickly moves down the cavern until they come upon a crevasse.

 

S2 Episode 83 – Weird Tentacle Corn

Posted on March 19, 2019

They see signs that the whole cavern might have been dug out by thousands of worms. The group gets to the edge of a crevasse with a river of shadow energy flowing beneath it. The tunnel continues on the other side of the pit 60 feet away. Then, on the right side of the crevasse, they see a strange lamp post with a geode blossoming out of the top. There is Dwarfish writing on it that says “Strike to ignite”. L.A.Z.H.O.R. punches it and the crystal produces a blacklight effect. All of the players assume the light must be harmful and immediately roll to dodge it. Brad person does a sick backflip to avoid the light. which scares away the shadow dog and illuminates some kind of robot fluid that is apparently all over L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Lil Justice. Lil Justice wipes off some of it and eats a bit. L.A.Z.H.O.R. claims that it is his “residue”.  Lil Justice attempts to speak to the shadow dog, but it says that it previously trusted Dwarves and they tried to hurt “the sisters”, so it refuses to trust again. They spot something floating in midair about 30 feet away from the edge of the crevasse. Brad person recognizes it as a pebble and flies over to grab it. When he does, he feels a stone surface beneath it and lands on an invisible bridge. He uses his “Detect Magic”, which allows him to see a magic aura around the invisible bridge. The group conga-lines their way across the invisible bridge with no difficulty as the shadow dog follows. Then, they come upon three smashing block traps that are moving in sync. They put the Immovable Rod in the smashing trap and it stops one of the blocks from moving. Then, the shadow wolf bites Lil Justice on the back of the calf. He swings his axe at it, but his attack goes straight through it. Vaerog casts Dimension Door to take them to the other side of the trap. He transports himself and Lil Justice with him to the other side of the trap. Bradperson casts Dimension Door and takes himself and Hooup across. L.A.Z.H.O.R. grabs the Immovable Rod, casts Synchronicity, and cartwheels across the traps safely. MC Thicc Boi awkwardly walks through the trap and gets repeatedly smashed, but doesn’t take any damage. The group runs ahead and comes to a fork in the tunnel. L.A.Z.H.O.R. chooses to go left and it leads them to a large room with four crystal lamps, a smashing trap, and a decaying female figure on the other side prostrating itself before the trap. The shadow dog jumps in front of them and says that it will not let them hurt the Sister. It howls as a wall of shadow blocks them from proceeding and tentacles sprout all throughout the room as the dog hides among them. The group attacks the tentacles to clear them out as the shadow dog repeatedly lunges at them from within the tentacles. They attempt to light the lamps, but the lights go out after two turns, so they need to keep attacking them to keep them lit. The dog attacks Lil Justice multiple times, each time doing twice as much damage as the last. Hooup and L.A.Z.H.O.R. both step in front of him to take a hit so that he won’t be killed. Eventually, they are able to light the lamps, clear the tentacles, and kill the shadow dog. As the dog dies, the remaining tentacles fade and the dog limps over to the dead female figure. It nuzzles up to her and lays down as it dies next to its former master.

 

S2 Episode 84 – We Luggin’

Posted on April 3, 2019

After the battle with the shadow dog, the group decides to take a short rest. Afterward, they approach the Elven corpse in the room. Hooup notices Elven writing carved into the wall that says, “Forgive me, sisters. It is better to lose the war as Elves than to win as monsters.” They notice that the Elven corpse seems to have deliberately prostrated itself into the trap so that the trap would crush her head. Her body was somewhat morphed, with her hands transformed into claws and other parts had bulged asymmetrically. Vaerog’s knowledge of Arcana tells him that her partial transformation is related both to shadow energy and also to a strange silver monkey’s jawbone with geode crystals inside. Vaerog recognizes its power and affixes it to his staff, giving him +2 to spell attack and damage. They recognize that it looks similar to the silver monkey artifact pieces that they have been collecting. Then, while the group is resting, Vezharax uses the Sending spell to communicate to the group. He chooses to communicate directly with Lil Justice, because Lil Justice seems to be the most trustworthy member who isn’t a complete idiot. Vezharax says that he had mended a book and discovered that there was an artifact called “the Monkey’s Skull”. Vezharax relays a rhyme that he found in the book:
“Three sisters sought to end the war
and find the Monkey’s Skull
All three sisters disappeared
And then the swords grew dull
To find the sisters, one by one,
the lords sent fifty men
There was some screaming in the night
but they were never seen again”

Lil Justice poorly communicates his own version which comes out as:

“Three sisters helped start a war
they played with monkeys’ skulls
All three sisters are very sexy
and then the swords were testy
The swords and the sisters, one by one
helped to murder fifty men
Their loud voices screaming for all to hear
and they were never seen again”

They use the Immovable Rod to block the smashing wall trap and proceed through, unclicking the rod and taking it with them. once they had passed the trap. They proceed down a ladder as Bradperson flies to the bottom and takes the lead. They enter a room with a stone altar with a skeleton on top. Then, the group notices that the rooms is lined with Dwarven corpses which are nailed to the walls. The players successfully roll canon dice to determine that most of the corpses are wearing Fjällräven Kånken backpacks. The corpses also appear to be wearing robes of Moradin and it becomes apparent that these corpses are the Brothers of Moradin who previously occupied the Temple of Del’Tassi before their disappearance. Suddenly, Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw begins glowing as two mutated female elves appear. Each one is wearing half of the Monkey’s skull as a mask. The one with the left half of the skull is snacking on a purple-robed corpse while the right half pulls a lever to trap the Assblasters in the room. She accidentally breaks the lever, leaving the smashing trap behind them slammed shut. There are troughs flowing with shadow energy around the room. The Elven shadow mutant with the right-half of the mask scoops up a handful and drinks it, while left-half masked mutant drops the corpse she was holding at the sight of Vaerog’s silver monkey jaw. Hooup attempts to distract the left-half Sister by rubbing spices on himself and telling her to eat him, but she is fixated on Vaerog and charges straight for him. It becomes apparent that the two Sisters become more powerful the closer they are to the other pieces of the Monkey’s Skull. The pieces glow more brightly and they do more damage/take less damage when they are within 10 feet of another piece. Vaerog attempts to use this to his advantage by running up close to them, but quickly realizes that his Monkey Jaw doesn’t provide him with as much power as their pieces do, because they have attached the pieces directly to their bodies instead of channeling the power through a staff. He attempts to blast them with a lightning bolt at point blank range, but the combined power of the Monkey Skull pieces being in close proximity causes them to take severely reduced damage. Vaerog quickly throws away the Monkey Jaw to Hooup in order to avoid being counterattacked. Hooup turns one of the sister’s attacks on herself and then uses his intense Monk speed to get the Jaw away from the Sisters while high-fiving all of his friends in the process. The two mutant Sisters continue to attack whoever holds the Monkey’s Jaw until Bradperson banishes the Right Sister and L.A.Z.H.O.R. defeats the Left Sister by shooting an Eldritch Blast laser through her stomach. Bradperson tears the Left half of the mask off of the dead Elf mutant and keeps it separate from Hooup’s piece. When Banishment ends and the Right Sister reappears, L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts Hunger of Hadar to surround her with a void full of tentacles. She rushes out of the void, heading straight for her deceased sister and refusing to leave her side until L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts her back into the void. She attempts to rush the Left half of the mask, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his Minotaur Wall technique to wall her in. The remaining Sister lashes out until Lil Justice finally uses his axe to split her skull open and kill her. She reaches out for her sister and dies as Lil Justice says, “Justice has been served… that’s my catchphrase now…” They look at the three skull pieces and realize that the back of the silver Monkey’s skull still seems to be missing. Vaerog decides to steal a Fjällräven Kånken backpack off of one of the Dwarf corpses that is pinned to the wall.

 

S2 Episode 85 – An Adult-Sized Minion

Posted on May 2, 2019

The group proceeds to examine the blonde corpse that was being eaten by one of the Sisters. They quickly realize that the corpse is human and can’t possibly be Illum. MC Thicc Boi gets sentimental as he imagines the day that he will be examining their corpses. L.A.Z.H.O.R. kicks MC Thicc Boi into the trough full of shadow goo on the edge of the room. Vaerog proceeds to cast Mending to fix the broken lever and pulls on it, which open the door in front of him. As he opens it, three rats that have been infected by shadow energy emerge from behind it. Hooup quickly throws some of his spices on the blond human’s corpse. Two of them try to attack Vaerog while the third shadow rat rushes toward the human’s corpse and begins nibbling on it. Frankie refers to them as minions and Andy proceeds to roll canon dice. With his roll, he successfully makes it canon that all rats in the world are actually just Minions, like the small yellow creatures from the Despicable Me movies. Vaerog uses Acid Splash to kill two of the shadow minions and they ignore the third one as it feasts on the human corpse. The Assblasters then attempt to put together the three Silver Monkey Skull pieces. The pieces have a strange magnetic attraction to one another and glow when put together. L.A.Z.H.O.R. gets a strange desire to put the pieces on his face. Vaerog quickly shuts down that idea by taking back the left half of the skull. Bradperson also takes back his piece and L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts the jawbone in his compartment. They go through the doorway and find a mineshaft going straight down with a rope hanging down it. They determine that it is strong enough to hold one or two normal people at a time. Bradperson jumps down and L.A.Z.H.O.R. does a backflip to the bottom. He rolls a high Acrobatics check to determine that he doesn’t take any damage from the 30 foot drop. At the bottom of the shaft, there is another room with stalactites covering the ceiling. In that room, there is a statue of a gorilla with spider legs jutting out of its back. In front of that, there is an altar with a treasure chest on it. Lil Justice opens the chest and finds the final piece of the silver monkey’s skull. As he takes the piece, he gets a mental message from Vezharax, telling him that the statue apparently represents some kind of ancient god of darkness, dreams, and nightmares. Vezharax’s message is suddenly interrupted as he says that the temple above is being attacked by the Ghost-Faced Killer. The gorilla statue then raises its hand and opens it, causing Bradperson to suddenly find himself standing in his old kitchen with his little brother, Chadperson. He is back in the past on the day of his little brother’s fledging ceremony (the first day he would fly in the open air). Bradperson remembers all of the mistakes that he made on that day and tries to correct each one. In the end, Chadperson ends up falling into the misty Cloud Forest below. Bradperson goes down to retrieve him. Upon reaching him, Chadperson suddenly turns his head all the way around and says, “But that’s not what happened, is it?” At that moment, Bradperson is instantly warped back to the beginning of the memory. Then, we switch to L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s perspective as L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds himself stranded in a void. He then meets a blue rectangular figure named Blocko. Blocko claims to be a manifestation of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s consciousness designed to calm him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. follows Blocko until a laser beam blasts through Blocko’s chest, causing Blocko to disintegrate. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is then greeted by the Dark Wizard, Khalifa. The ten foot tall devil sits at a chess board and offers to free L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s consciousness in exchange for the right to take control of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s body for 24 hours. L.A.Z.H.O.R. poorly attempts to play chess with Khalifa, using rules he has stolen from every other board game he can think of. He agrees to give Khalifa control of his body at a time of Khalifa’s choosing. They shake hands on it and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is then dropped into a series of scenarios where Khalifa punishes him to remind him “where [his’ powers came from.” L.A.Z.H.O.R. is sent through a series of scenarios where he is expected to use the powers that he stole from enemy monsters, but he doesn’t figure that out until failing multiple scenarios and taking a lot of damage. After running through giant scorpions and falling off a cliff, he finds himself in a labyrinth. He attempts to use the minotaur’s power to tear down the walls, but because he inside his mind, using the power instead transforms him into the skeletal minotaur. As the minotaur, he is able to easily navigate the labyrinth. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then battles the dark wizard Khalifa as they fight inside L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s chest and Khalifa sits on top of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s heart shooting Edlritch Blasts down at L.A.Z.H.O.R. After a few hits, L.A.Z.H.O.R. is knocked unconscious as Khalifa laughs and says that he looks forward to taking control of L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s body.

 

S2 Episode 86 – Chekhov’s Pee Elemental

Posted on May 16, 2019

Lil Justice swings his axe at the statue, but fails to damage it. Hooup then attacks a stalactite above the statue’s head, causing it to drop on the statue’s head. The statue seems mostly unaffected and proceeds to sprout many more legs from its back. It ceases to look like a spider-monkey and starts to look like a Gorillapede. The statue then uses the insectoid legs to stab at him, damaging him badly. Vaerog uses the Trickster’s Quill to turn Acid Splash into “Acid Splish” and attacks with it. The statue remains unaffected. Lil Justice runs over to L.A.Z.H.O.R. and uses the button on his arm cannon to fire L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon and push the statue back against the wall. The statue reacts by putting Lil Justice to sleep. In Lil Justice’s dream, he wakes up next to a dead elf whose name he cannot remember. He is back in his memory of the time he saved Westchesteros from the Manticore. The Manticore chases him through a back alley and he runs into a nearby store, grabbing chains and pitch to burn down a guard tower and bring down a guard tower on top of its head. On Bradperson’s turn, he is allowed to run through his memory again and this time, he deliberately tries not to change anything. His warlock patron speaks to him and commends him for finally accepting what he cannot change. The patron tells him that, “when the time comes, you must bring me the weapon.” The patron then gifts him with improved perception. On L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s turn, he wakes up in his happy place, which is apparently a small, plain white room. His imaginary friend, Blocko, appears next to him telling him that Khalifa is keeping his word by releasing L.A.Z.H.O.R., but doing it very slowly by trapping L.A.Z.H.O.R. in his happy place. L.A.Z.H.O.R. exits the room only to end up in another plain white room with a second Blocko in it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. begins running through the rooms as fast as he can, generating Blockos as fast as possible in the hopes of overloading the system. Meanwhile, in the real world, Vaerog and Hooup realize that they are hopelessly outmatched. They attempt to escape by using the pulley to lift their unconscious friends up the mine shaft and out of the room. The Gorillapede statue stabs Vaerog with its insect legs. As they make it back to the room where they had fought the masked Sisters, the gorillapede statue begins stabbing its legs into the wall of the mine shaft in order to climb up after them. As it approaches, they close one of the smashing traps on it, partially crushing it. In that moment, L.A.Z.H.O.R. wakes up. He blasts the statue back so that its head is crushed in the trap. Then, he sees its aura and is able to absorb the statue’s reiki. This transforms his lazor cannon into a large stone fist. L.A.Z.H.O.R. believes that he has stolen the creature’s sleep powers. A feral minion from earlier rushes at them and L.A.Z.H.O.R. “puts it to sleep” by punching it really hard in the face with his new stone fist.

 

S2 Episode 87 – That Is What It Do

Posted on May 29, 2019

Everyone has officially leveled up to Level 9 after defeating the Gorillapede statue. The group leaves the dungeon to return to the temple of Del’Tassi. Upon their return, they find the place badly damaged and the brothers all blockaded themselves in the library. They see a badly bleeding Vezharax, who tells them that Aati lost control and wounded him. The group then heads out to the front to see that the shadow tentacles have sprouted from Aati and they now look more like giant spider legs. Aati wildly stabs at remaining zombies with the shadow legs. When the last zombie is killed, L.A.Z.H.O.R. calls out to him and he slowly turns and begins approaching the group menacingly. Hooup manages to avoid his attacking shadow appendages and use his healing hands to bring Aati back to his senses. The group then convinces the brothers and Chadwick to remove the blockade and let them into the library. Chadwick reveals that the brothers were partying the entire time, despite their lives being in imminent danger. He also claims that “someone” got the dogs drunk. Lil Justice casts Speak with Animals to talk to a very drunk Winston, who is laying in front of a mirror pawing at his own reflection. Martha apparently handled her beer like a champ and didn’t even get a little bit drunk. After being invited to drink, the rest of the party drinks a lot. A very drunk Aati volunteers to drive the chariot while the other party members rest. They awaken to find that Aati passed out and drove the chariot off the side of the road. MC Thicc Boi claims that there is something urgent that needs their attention and leads them to a nearby hill where he has clearly made a pile of rocks on top. There is an X mark at the bottom of the hill and he convinces L.A.Z.H.O.R. to stand on it. The automaton then climbs the hill and pushes the rocks down to create a small avalanche. Vezharax pushes L.A.Z.H.O.R. out of the way before the avalanche would have killed him. Vezharax asks MC Thicc Boi to explain how its programming works. It says that it is programmed to either kill all intruders or confirm they are dead, but, if it can kill them, then it must be the one to do it. Vezharax says that his vow of vengeance worked the same way. Vaerog then creates an illusion of the Assblasters’ corpses. MC Thicc Boi briefly becomes ecstatic at the sight until it realizes that it has been deceived. It says that it has learned never to trust them. MC Thicc Boi persuades the group to drink more beer in the hopes of killing them with alcohol poisoning. The group toasts to Forg and MC Thicc Boi attempts to repeatedly toast to Forg to get them to drink more. Lil Justice then kicks Aati out of the driver’s seat and drives the chariot to Fuluz’Mora. As they arrive, Vezharax tells Hooup that he and Aati had found some talismans that once belonged to a great monk named Master Zoombino. These talismans apparently have the power to multiply or divide a creature/object’s weight. Then, Vezharax tells Vaerog that they also found a Deck of Illusions. Vezharax gives the talismans to Hooup and gives the Deck of Illusions to Vaerog. The group then proceeds to Fuluz’Mora, which is a city built under the seat of an enormous chair that is carved into a mountain. It is alleged that Moradin once sat in the enormous chair. The group goes into the city and heads to the Golden Tapir Inn. Vaerog disguises himself as Barrio and talks to the barkeep to get the message that was intended for him. The barkeep tells Vaerog that a man is waiting upstairs to meet him alone. Vaerog casts the Invisibility spell on L.A.Z.H.O.R. and they go upstairs, where they see Malexxis waiting for them. Meanwhile, the other party members hear Barrio’s group coming toward the front door of the inn. Lil Justice and Bradperson burst through the door and pretend to fight in order to distract Barrio’s group from interrupting Vaerog’s meeting. Back upstairs, Malexxis welcomes the disguised Vaerog and quickly admits that the rumors about the Sons of the Scourge are all true. Malexxis claims that the world has become full of heretics and worshippers of false gods. He believes that these people are bringing about the end of the world and says that he aims to stop that. Malexxis alleges that he has proof as he opens a portal, inviting the disguised Vaerog to step through. Vaerog tries to postpone the meeting, but fails all of his deception checks. Malexxis hands him a ceremonial dagger with infernal script carved into the blade. The cult leader says that they will meet again soon enough and bids Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.OR. farewell by name, revealing that he saw through their ruse and knows them by name.

 

S2 Episode 88 – It Is I, the Richest Man in the World

Posted on June 13, 2019

L.A.Z.H.O.R. shows Barrio’s group a projection of Malexxis admitting to his crimes. Dribbles the Gnome says, “Mhmm, I’ve been in enough cults to know how this is going. This is a cult. I’m out.” The Assblasters also persuade Jizz the goblin to leave the cult. The remaining members of Barrio’s group decide to stay in the cult without Barrio, because Malexxis had said that Barrio was kicked out and that he couldn’t be trusted. Barrio curses the Assblasters for betraying his trust as he goes out on his own to try to find out what Malexxis knows about the end of the world. Bradperson reads the inscription on the ceremonial dagger that Malexxis gave Vaerog. The inscription reads, “Keep collecting the pieces of the Überhorn and you will be reunited with Illum soon enough.” The Assblasters then hear the sound of a parade in honor of the king’s upcoming birthday. It is apparently the Xiaventh day of the Xiaventh month (which falls on a Tuesday this year). Vezharax informs them that the king offers a special boon to one petitioner each year. The Assblasters decide to try to get into the king’s feast to offer their own petition. They pull aside a Dwarven noble to ask how they could get into the feast. The Dwarven noble brings them to an Elven noble with his right eye sewn shut. The Elven noble introduces himself as Lord Siloughby and says that he is bored with the day-to-day affairs of the city. He offers to help the Assblasters in their quest if they compete in a game for him to see who can make the most money in two hours. He has an associate named Madoff (played by our friend and guest voice, Berni) who sells the Assblasters potions to improve their charisma and intelligence. The Assblasters agree to take turns and the one whose turn it is wears an amulet so that everyone else can see what they are doing in a crystal ball. Bradperson immediately robs Lord Siloughby’s private vault and teleports back with the Dimension Door spell before the guards can catch him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts an illusion to make his armor plating gold-colored and pretends to be a nobleman named “G.A.Z.H.O.R.” (Gold Armored Zapping Hatted Organic Robot). He goes to the city’s largest bank. The players attempt to roll canon dice for the bank to be called “Gringotts,” but they roll a 2 and the bank’s name instead becomes “Hotgrits”. G.A.Z.H.O.R. pretends to be the richest man in the world and demands to see their most guarded vault. He is allowed to see their second most guarded vault, which he very blatantly robs. L.A.Z.H.O.R. stuffs jewels and magic items in his pockets, then uses the Fly spell to fly over the guards. After a brief carriage chase, he makes it back to Lord Siloughby’s estate, becoming a wanted fugitive in the process, because he apparently thought that Lord Siloughby had the authority to pardon crimes. Lil Justice then goes to the town square and offers to talk to peoples’ bears. He then gets into a fight with a man called “Bearwhipper” and cuts the harness off the man’s bear to set it free. Nearby guards threatened to arrest Lil Justice for damage to Bearwhipper’s private property; however, they agree to look the other way in exchange for a round of drinks and an autograph from Lil Justice. Vaerog attempts to sell the amulet and crystal ball that were being used to watch them to two wealthy Dwarf nobles. When the Dwarves let Vaerog examine their gold, he casts Dimension Door to portal himself out with the gold, the amulet, and the crystal ball. For his turn, Madoff goes to the town square to try to sell his potions. He manages to sell a bunch of charisma potions to the same two idiot nobles that Vaerog had just swindled. It is decided that Vaerog has earned the most money with his scam, so as a bonus prize, he is granted a locket that transforms into the wearer’s most secret desire. Once he puts it on, it becomes a scroll that would allow him to cast “Speak with Dead” as a Wizard spell. Lord Siloughby pulls aside Madoff and thanks him for keeping the game interesting by trying to sabotage the other players. Once out of sight of the Assblasters, Lord Siloughby gives Madoff the money that the group had gathered as compensation for his work. Madoff then transforms into his true form; that of a snake-headed Yuan-ti. The snake-headed snake-oil salesman says he will use the money to get himself somewhere far away from those looking for it. The Assblasters then proceed to the king’s palace for his birthday feast, escorted by Lord Siloughby. They dress Bradperson in their finest robes and crown as they ride their chariot right up into the palace’s enormous entry hall and they line up next to the other nobles. Upon lining up, they realized they are standing right next to Pabarel Darkstone & O’jae of Elmoor, Drandir & Gorp of Oakfen, and Praxis Darkstone, the king regent of the Elven capital. Pabarel Darkstone looks at Bradperson and says, “Are those my robes?”

O’Jae looks at their white bronco and says, “Is that my horse?”

Drandir looks at Vaerog’s arcane focus and says, “Is that my staff?”

The king regent looks at Bradperson and says, “Is that my crown?”

 

S2 Episode 89 – The Burger End of the Spectrum

Posted on July 3, 2019

The Assblasters manage to convince the other nobles that their items weren’t stolen just as a servant comes out to let them all into the palace. The group’s weapons are all collected as they enter King Goldenbeard’s palace only to discover that there are golden runes and antimagic crystals lining the walls, which prevent any magic from being cast within the castle. Aati and Vezharax sneak into the chariot and switch outfits while Aati cuts his hair and breaks off the ends of his horns in order to disguise himself from the many paladins who are swarming this place (who are very aware that he is a wanted fugitive). The player characters are taken to an extravagant ballroom lined with marble floors and granite tables around the edges of the room. The ceiling of the room has at least a thousand fresh flowers pinned to it and their petals sporadically fall from the ceiling, causing a slow shower of flower petals gently floating through the air around them. The right and left walls are mostly made of thick glass. Behind each glass wall is an enormous aquarium filled with brilliantly colored fish and mermaids who curiously wave to the guests. Each granite table is reserved for representatives from all the other major cities. The protagonists are here on behalf of Lord Siloughby, the Elven noble with a coif of blue-grey hair and his right eye sewn shut. He sponsors their petition, because he apparently finds them amusing. The group is then told that the king only grants one petition each year and he makes the petitioners vote for whose petition will be granted. This simple game cleverly makes the different nobles trade favors for votes, so that they solve each other’s problems and the king only needs to grant one favor to keep them happy. The vote must be unanimous. The Assblasters have until the end of the feast to either convince the other nobles all or use your vote to support someone else’s petition in exchange for a lesser prize.

Brinjal is the only place that didn’t send their actual leader. King Durian has opted to remain in Brinjal while he sent two representatives: their former party member, Sapodia, who apparently can fly now, and Durian’s court sorcerer, a Kookaburra Aarakocra named Bartlett Cromsby.

Lil Justice speaks to Pabarel Darkstone, who reveals that his companion, O’Jae, had followed L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s tracks in search of his stolen horse and found the secret exit to Elmoor that they had used to escape the city. O’Jae had shared this information with Pabarel Darkstone, who snuck Dwarven army into Elmoor to crush the Elven rebellion and take back the city. Fanetan, the leader of the rebel group (Thraciel’s Wings), was captured and imprisoned. His second-in-command, Galrana, took over the group and she has been engaging in guerilla warfare against the Dwarves. Pabarel is here to petition for more soldiers to root out and kill the remaining members of the Elven rebellion. He recognized Aati’s face despite Aati’s disguise and he says that he is willing to give up his petition in exchange for both O’Jae’s horse and Aati’s head.

Tarnstead is represented by its mayor, Mayor McCheese. The players roll canon dice to establish that he looks like an anthropomorphic cheeseburger. With a middling roll, it is decided that he dresses like a cheeseburger. Mayor McCheese promises his vote to the Assblasters in exchange for Aati vowing to rebuild the temple of Moradin and to reform the Hammers of Moradin one month from this date.

Marquis Marq is here to represent Jose’Cuervos’lin with his tutor, Lady Sqarlet, who used to be known as Squander the Jester. She was unaffected by the antimagic field, so it seems that her new form is no simple illusion. It is implied that she permanently changed her form with a True Polymorph spell. Marquis Marq is here to petition for material components that would allow the priestess, Lady Ellary, to make the Forbiddance spell permanent, because stray devils have been coming through the open Hellmouth portal and terrorizing the citizens of Jose’Cuervos’lin. The player characters convince the Marquis that their petition would be necessary for them to win the war to come, which would be more important in keeping his people safe and also would probably require them to destroy those devils anyway. Marquis Marq promises the Assblasters his vote.

Minette Marblevein is the representative of Cacot, who says she is here to petition for food. The waters around Cacot have become polluted and the fish are all dying. The city’s food supplies have been running low and the people are starving because she has been feeding the encamped militia from Elmoor (who were sent to protect the city as a result of Aati & Illum beating Brother Vashenn in a drinking contest.)

The King Regent, Praxis Darkstone, is here to petition to have the Capital City rebuilt, since much of it is still in ruins after the attack by D’Jay’Kaled. Lil Justice promises his aid in rebuilding and says he will recruit members of his tribe as well. Praxis Darkstone promises the Assblasters his vote.

The table for Waleah is empty, because the representative from Waleah, Brother Cole, was killed in the attack on Waleah by the Sons of the Scourge. The Khellukkhaz table is also empty because Queen Qay’leen apparently refuses to play the Dwarves’ political games.

Lord Siloughby has L.A.Z.H.O.R. pardoned for robbing the Hotgritz bank and he compensates the bank for their stolen money. Siloughby’s vizier apparently told the guards that L.A.Z.H.O.R. was being mind controlled by a Dwarven sorcerer with no teeth. Siloughby informs the group that Inquisitor Ironspine has demanded to speak to them at the end of the feast, before they can make your petition. The Inquisitor has doubts about the story that they had exiled Squander the Jester to another plane of existence. He demands to see where they have exiled the prisoner.

At the end of the episode, the group has four votes with the support of Lord Silloughby, Praxis Darkstone, Marquis Marq, and Mayor McCheese. Without the use of magic or weapons, they will still need to convince the remaining 6 petitioners: Sapodia on behalf of Brinjal; Pabarel Darkstone on behalf of Elmoor; Minette Marblevein on behalf of Cacot; Gorp the frog person on behalf of Oakfen; and finally Rhomb Rubyheart and Borathazon Diamondback on behalf of their respective noble houses.

 

S2 Episode 90 – Diversify Your Clout

Posted on July 17, 2019

Gorp reveals that Oakfen is under investigation for the disappearance of Bellis Diamondback. He is here to petition for the city to be named a sovereign nation of the frogfolk and end the investigation. He isn’t willing to budge much, but he is clearly thirsting for the bejeweled crown that Bradperson is wearing.

The group meets with Rhomb Rubyheart and Ponelope, her apology pony. Ponelope can speak, but can only say the words “I’m”, “so”, and “sorry” (in that order). Rhomb is an older Dwarven noblewoman trying to marry off her daughter, Scoria, who is apparently hideous by Dwarven standards, but seems to be conventionally attractive by human standards. Rhomb says that she would vote for the Assblaster’s petition if they could find a suitable match for her daughter. The group attempts to convince her to consider Gorp on the basis that he and Bellis Diamondback are “fishing buddies”, but the problem is that Gorp won’t have any true political power unless his petition gets answered. At the moment, Gorp is technically ruling the Elves of Oakfen, but that mostly just means that he collects their trash under the guise of it being “taxes”. The Elves seemingly let him call himself “Emperor” so that he will take the fall if the Dwarves try to punish Oakfen for Bellis’ disappearance. The group manages to convince Lord Siloughby and Mayor McCheese to consider a proposal to Scoria Rubyheart, but neither of them has a ton of clout among Dwarven noble clans. In the conversation, it is established that the world is called “Uurf”.

Sapodia and Cromsby are petitioning on behalf King Durian, who lost a wing and an eye in the Assblaster’s assassination attempt. The leader of the Vultures presumably caused those wounds while the group was busy fighting Cromsby. Sapodia was apparently promoted to Master Healer after she cured Durian’s wounds and she quickly became his top representative. Sapodia and Cromsby came to petition for the Stillwind mountains and its surrounding areas to be the sole property of the Aarakocra. This would lead to the evacuation of the Wallflower Campgrounds and the Goliath nomads who live in the mountains. It would also prevent the city of Waleah from ever being repopulated. Because Bradperson was wearing the group’s crown and he wasn’t involved in King Durian’s assassination attempt, they successfully convince her that Bradperson was the king of his hometown, which is apparently called “Birdco”. They persuade her and Cromsby to vote for their petition in exchange for an alliance with the people of Birdco. Bradperson agrees to convince the Aarakocra from his hometown to move to Brinjal and to offer some measure of protection for the birdfolk.

The Assblaster’s speak with Borathazon Diamondback, who wants the king to burn Oakfen to the ground, find his son (Bellis Diamondback), and bring all those involved in his son’s disappearance to justice. The group tells him that they have more information about his Bellis’ disappearance and they imply that Gorp was involved. Borathazon offers them money in exchange for that information.

The group then rolls canon dice to successfully establish that Dwarves refer to their political status as “clout” and that they are all chasing as much clout as they can get.

 

S2 Episode 91 – Kiss Your Homies Goodnight

Posted on July 31, 2019

After a brief conversation, the players insult Pabarel Darkstone’s clout and he responds by snitching on Aati. Aati is quickly arrested and taken away to the dungeon. Aati’s freedom suddenly becomes dependent on them securing their petition and getting him pardoned. With this in mind, the player characters promise to continue hunting down Illum and they also arrange for Pabarel to marry Scoria Rubyheart, securing a vote from both Pabarel Darkstone and also from Rhomb Rubyheart. Rhomb gives the group her apology pony, Ponelope, as a “thank you” gift. This guarantees that Pabarel will have access to the Rubyheart militia, a force of 200 soldiers, and essentially secures the death of Galrana and the Elven rebellion.

The Assblasters promise Minette Marblevein that they will help clean up the waters around Cacot by changing Vaerog’s counterspell into “counterspill”. They also promise her that they will convince Elmoor’s paladins to bring fish from the River Vees in Elmoor and that they will ask the king to build a university in Cacot dedicated to helping people gain clout. L.A.Z.H.O.R. refers to it as the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”. Lady Marblevein is convinced that this would be a great aid to her city’s economy, since it would doubtlessly attract plenty of nobles to the city. She promises to vote for their petition.

The group then tells Borathazon that Gorp had killed his son and they promise that they will kill Gorp in exchange for Borathazon’s vote.

The Assblasters give Gorp their golden crown in exchange for his vote.

The group is then interrogated by the Inquisitor, Ganister Ironspine, who demands to see the plane where they had allegedly exiled Squander. Vaerog changes Leomund’s Tiny Hut to “Leomund’s Tiny Hot”, which transports the group inside Leomund’s fireplace behind its burning flames. Through the fire, they see a pantless Leomund romancing his broom and putting a dress on it. They manage to convince Commander Ironspine that this is a layer of Hell, that Leomund was some evil being known as “the keeper”, and that Squander must have been transformed into a broom. The group rushes out of the hut just as Leomund becomes aware of their presence.

With all of the votes secured and the Paladin Commander convinced that Squander had been successfully exiled, the group is led to King Goldenbeard’s room.

 

S2 Episode 92 – Fortnight at Bernie’s

Posted on August 14, 2019

The golden doors open to reveal King Goldenbeard. All of the nobles plank facedown on the ground out of respect for the king. Lil Justice is the first to join as all of the party members join in planking. Bradperson flies up to the top of the door and planks there. He congratulates them on the first successful petition in 14 years. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to smash his MF Like Button and make his speakers play “Celebration”, but instead, it plays “I Love It” by Kanye West and all of the nobles are extremely confused. The king introduces himself and says that his first name is Carletonite, but he prefers to go by “Carlton”. He agrees to pardon Aati & Illum as well as order the creation of the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”, which will teach young future rulers how to navigate Dwarven politics. The King fears that the Assblasters will become targets for having the king’s favor, so he orders the captain of the guard to protect them. the captain (played by returning former player Avi) introduces himself as Captain Kirk Kirkland, but he prefers to be called “Captain Cuck”. The group follows Gorp and Drandir into a back alley, with the intention to banish Gorp back to the Feywilds and tell Borathazon that they killed him. Drandir is onto them and defends Gorp. Drandir tells Gorp to get to safety. When the frog king is out of hearing distance, Drandir says that he needs to keep Gorp as a scapegoat for the disappearance of Bellis Diamondback. Gorp has seemingly been keeping the other frog folk in line and Drandir fears that they would become violent if Gorp were to disappear. The Assblasters agree to wait until after the investigation is completed before taking care of Gorp. Lil Justice attempts to speak to their new apology pony, Penelope, but she only says “I’m sorry” and “I’m so sorry”. She does seem to be able to understand his questions and can nod her head to answer them “yes” or “no”. He enlists Winston the Dire Corgi’s help in communicating her, but Winston just seems to think that she is introducing herself and her name is “Sorry”. With that, the group finally leaves Fuluz’Mora and heads south to Cacot. On the way, they pass through the Memorial Valley. Vezharax informs them that Dwarves have an innate ability to sense when they are going to die of natural causes. It seems to be a sacred place for Dwarves and they come here to “return to the stone”. The group approaches a small hut with a fire inside. They speak to an elderly dying Dwarf named Grendel. He tells them that the valley is filled with lonely spirits of fallen Dwarves. The spirits appear at twilight or talk to him in his sleep. They are know to sense the happiest memories of people who travel to the Memorial Valley and project those memories on the walls of the valley; however, the spirits grow upset with people who try to leave the valley and will show them their most painful memory. The Assblasters share a meal with Grendel and then wish him farewell as they continue heading to Cacot. On the way, the spirits project their happiest memories. Lil Justice sees himself on a date with an Elven woman as they lay in a field looking up at the stars. Captain Cuck sees himself being promoted to Captain and going home to tell his wife. L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees himself in a laboratory with no cybernetic enhancements and there is a Gnome fixing his broken arm. Lil Justice anticipates the bad memories that the spirits are going to show and he puts his manticore belt over his eyes. Aati follows his lead and covers his eyes to protect his friends’ privacy as Bradperson immediately pickpockets 5 gold from the blindfolded Aati. Aati’s memory is the scene from Season 1 of the podcast where Illum gave him his shield, Carl made him his favorite gray gruel, and Long Dong Silver brought him a rose. Thanks to this, everyone in the group is finally able to see what Carl the Gruel Man looks like. Bradperson’s memory is of the first time he flew. Vezharax’s memory is of him coming home to his wife and son to find out that they had performed a ritual to make themselves his clan members so that he would have a Dragonborn clan once more (having lost his previous clan to Orcish raiders). Vezharax begins to cry at the sight of his now-deceased son. The blindfolded Lil Justice attempts to comfort him, but accidentally embraces Bradperson. Vezharax leans back and bumps Ponelope, who simply says “I’m sorry”, which he actually finds strangely comforting. Vaerog’s memory is of himself as a child learning to cast Firebolt for the first time with an old Elf tutor at his side. Then, they finally begin approaching the end of the valley and the spirits show them their worst memories to scare them away from the exit. Captain Cuck sees the same memory as before, but this time it continues to him entering the house and seeing his wife sleeping with his Elven best friend. He begins to sob openly as Aati hugs him. Lil Justice removes the manticore belt from around his eyes and puts it around Captain Cuck’s eyes just as his own bad memory begins to play, so he is forced to watch a blurry memory of himself on the verge of death looking up at a dark figure as it slits the throat of the same Elven woman from his happy memory. Aati brings Lil Justice into the group hug with Captain Cuck. Aati’s memory is from the same episode in season 1 when Nemestraehi slit Long Dong Silver’s throat. Vaerog’s memory is of an Elven village burning as he ran around frantically until he found his old tutor laying on the floor. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is shown a memory from the redacted episode (S2 E22 B), where they killed half of the frog folk. He mourns for what could have been. Bradperson sees a vision of himself limping down a dark hallway until he gets to a stone door. He pushes it open and goes into the room beyond as the memory goes pitch black. Bradperson is clearly shaken by this vision. MC Thiccboi proclaims that he has no tragic backstory like the other party members, but the spirits show a memory of the time when it convinced the party members to repeatedly toast to Forg until they drank themselves unconscious. In the memory, MC Thiccboi is standing over their bodies, gloating triumphantly. Its triumph quickly turns to despair as the party begins to awaken and it discovers that it failed to kill them. The Assblasters then finally proceed to Cacot. After two more days of traveling, they begin traversing through hills fields of long grass growing on both sides of the road. They see a dark cloud in the distance and recognize it as the cloud of smog that is said to erupt from the forges of Cacot and cover the city. Vezharax claims that people call it “the city under the cloud” due to the heavy pollution. As they approach the city, they come upon a devil sitting under a tree by the side of the road. A second figure wearing wizard robes lays bleeding in the center of the road. This husky devil with a long gray beard stands up, brushes himself off and readies two shimmering blades as he says that he was expecting the Assblasters, but he was starting to worry they wouldn’t show up.

 

S2 Episode 93 – Tokyo Drift

Posted on August 28, 2019

The Assblasters head to the city of Cacot to fulfill promises they made in the Dwarven capital city of Fuluz’Mora. As they approach the city, they are stopped by a white winged devil who had apparently been waiting for them next to the bleeding body of a green dragonborn who he had stabbed. The white devil says that most people just call him “Old Dirty Bastard” and claims to be Malexxis’ strongest general. He claims that the dragonborn was an unfortunate casualty who happened upon him while he was waiting for the Assblasters. ODB proceeds to attack the party, killing their companion, Captain Cuck. As he fights, Aati recognizes the devil’s twin daggers as being the same ones that Nemestraehi had used in the arena of Elmoor. ODB successfully knocks out Aati, paralyzes Lil Justice, and uses the daggers to steal Lil Justice’s rage ability. The party attempts to flee as Vezharax heals the green dragonborn. The green dragonborn gets up, thanks Vezharax, and says that, if they ever need anything, his name is Picelric. Then he runs off toward Cacot. As they drag Aati and Lil Justice into their golden chariot, ODB approaches menacingly. At the last second, L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts him backward with an Eldritch Blast. Then, Bradperson takes the reigns of the chariot, turns it to go around ODB, but then turns again at the last second in order to “Tokyo Drift” the carriage straight into ODB. ODB manages to cut the bridle, freeing Jackson the white bronco, which runs off with Vezharax. The carriage then rolls over the devil and tears apart as it slams into a tree, throwing most of the party from it (except for Vaerog, who managed to hold on). When the dust clears, the white devil is still standing and approaches to finish off the Assblasters. Just as all hope seems lost, a green bullseye appears on ODB’s forehead. Then, a mysterious masked frog-man leaps out of the tall grass on the side of the road. The froggy luchador (played by Avi) quickly suplexes the white devil, then hurls him through the overturned carriage before using an Action Surge to body slam him and kick him through the fence on the side of the road. The final blow causes him to drop his dagger and land on top of it, shattering the blade and returning Lil Justice’s rage ability to him. ODB then realizes he is outmatched, so he flies away, swearing vengeance upon the Assblasters. Having survived the battle, the party members all level up to Level 10. L.A.Z.H.O.R. approaches the masked frog-man and asks who he is, but the froggy luchador  simply responds, “Mi nombre as El Froggo Loco.”

 

S2 Episode 94 – You Guys Wanna See Me Do a Backflip?

Posted on October 1, 2019

The protagonists look around at the wreckage as Old Dirty Bastard flies away. They see the puzzle box and have a flashback of them on the road to Cacot a few days ago when Hooup was trying to solve the puzzle box. Just as he was about to solve it, he said, “When I turn this piece, I should be able to -” and then he was instantly sucked into the puzzle box. At that point, Captain Cuck had been preparing to do a backflip and he promised to do a backflip that they would never forget. In the present day, a group of masked luchador frog buddies hop out of the grass to join El Froggo Loco. Shadow begins leaking out of the shattered dagger. Vaerog uses Mending to try to keep it from escaping. He manages to trap most of it, but a little bit still flows into Aati, who sits straight up with his eyes rolled back in his head. He quickly snaps out of it, but is joined by the tentacle who he calls his “lil buddy” and says that he hasn’t seen during the day time in a while. The tentacle gurgles cryptic message to Aati as Aati proceeds to say a prayer over Captain Cuck’s body. Vezharax then returns to heal party members. He attempts to heal Captain Cuck, but he is not strong enough to restore life to Captain Cuck. The players roll canon dice to attempt to determine that Captain Cuck comes back to life to perform one final backflip, but they roll very low.

Crate, Winston, and Ponelope were hurt in the crash, but Martha is weirdly completely fine. Vezharax heals them as Lil Justice talks to Winston. Lil Justice then attempts to talk to Aati’s lil tentacle buddy. He doesn’t understand most of its gurgling, but he gets it to blink at him and asks it “yes or no” questions. The tentacle claims that it is not trying to hurt Aati and it seems to want to be close to Old Dirty Bastard’s dagger. It indicates that it is with Aati because of the same magic that the dagger came from. As they are talking, Captain Cuck rises to his feet, but he does so as a shadow zombie. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Aati refuse to attack, but Bradperson uses his great sword to sweep the zombie’s legs out from under him, causing the undead Captain Cuck to do one final backflip, landing on his head and exploding.

Picelric rides up with a paladin who Aati recognizes as the guard from Elmoor, Babyface. It seems that Picelric went to the city to get help. Lieutenant Babyface offers to bury Captain Cuck and send news to the king about the guard captain’s death. He gives the Assblasters a ride back to the city and helps them bring the remains of their chariot to a carpenter for repairs. Babyface says that all of the paladins are packing up their camps to go get building materials and fish from Elmoor so that they can re-stock the river and build the Clout Ruler Temple.

The Assblasters finally see the city of Cacot, which exists almost entirely on a big wooden bridge that spans a murky, polluted river beneath a cloud of smog from the forges that line the banks of the river. The people of the city are emaciated and lethargic due to their food supply drying up. The players roll persuasion checks to try to get Picelric to come with them. Because none of the party members rolls a 20, Picelric offers to let them recover at his house under the bridge. The group sleeps through most of the day and then eats a thin stew that Picelric made for dinner. Afterward, L.A.Z.H.O.R. thanks Picelric by giving him a regular hammer from his inventory as a parting gift. The Assblasters then head to the spring that feeds the river. They travel for a few miles and see that the solution has traveled upstream. Vaerog uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Counterspell” into “Counterspill”. The group becomes determined to complete this from as far away as possible, so Niccolo rolls to perform the spell “from downtown”. With a successful roll, he manages to shoot the spell a little further than its normal max distance and the pollution in the water magically dissipates. As they head back, they see the water has turned clear blue and some villagers have run to the stream to start drinking from it. With the sun setting, they head to the temple, which is full of silent monks who have all taken a vow of silence. They are taken aside by the head of the order, Sibling Micah, who bears a strong resemblance to the city’s mayor Minette Marblevein. They say there is a dungeon beneath the temple, but only those who have been told the password and given permission from the king can access it. Micah also says that there is an artifact down there called The Gateway, which can take a person to any place they can think of. Aati sees this as a way to get the group back to the last place where he saw Illum. Unable to persuade Micah to let them in, they leave to scheme of another way to get into the dungeon. As they exit the temple, they are met by Picelric, who says that his boss may be able to help them get into the dungeon. He takes them to Cacot Potions & Salves, where an Orcish man behind the counter greets them and says, “You guys lookin’ for salves?” It is Grallic, the former slave salesman, who is now selling salves.

 

S2 Episode 95 – This Is Gonna Be So Dated By the Time It Gets Posted

Posted on November 28, 2019

The Assblasters speak to Grallic the salve guy. El Froggo Loco buys a salve of fire breathing for 20 gold. Grallic says that he had gotten out of the slave business at just the right time, because there was a group of lawless vigilantes known as “The White Claw” who had been hunting slavers. The leader of the White Claw is a man named Scam Likely. The Assblasters try to intimidate Grallic into helping them by threatening to tell the authorities about his former dealings selling slaves. Grallic counters by having his apprentice, Picelric, threaten to show a falsified illusion of the group stealing from the shop. Picelric reveals that, a few weeks earlier, he had been attacked by a group of thugs. Grallic just so happened to have arrived at that exact moment and threw exploding potions to scare off the bandits. Picelric promised to do whatever he could to repay the life-debt and Grallic took advantage of this by making Picelric his apprentice. Vezharax seems suspicious of Grallic’s timing. The Assblasters agree to stop the Bugbears in exchange for Grallic getting them into the dungeon beneath the temple of Cacot. Grallic then tells them that Bugbears are going to attack the city of Cacot and asks the protagonists to stop them in exchange for the password to the dungeon. The group agrees and then returns to Picelric’s house to rest for the evening.

In the middle of the night, one of El Froggo Loco’s frogs wakes up Lil Justice and tells him “Illum will die and Aati will be consumed by shadow”. In the morning, Lil Justice tells everyone else in the group except for Aati. Then, Picelric ferries the group to Bug Island

On the way, they see a large beast prowling the waters. Picelric says that it is called Fudgie the Leviathan and it is known to sink ships. It’s insides may or may not be filled with chocolate. The group is able to ferry past the beast undetected. Once on the island, they meet Truth, a bug person who belongs to a species of bug people. The bug people are known as Mayflies and they are originally from the Fey Wilds. All of the Mayflies are named either “Truth” or “Justice” in the hopes of fulfilling a prophecy that “Truth and Justice would one day rule the land.” The Mayflies only live about 24 hours, so time is of the essence to rescue his friends. Truth reveals that most of his people were kidnapped by bugbears, who hoped to harvest their sparks for their healing properties. The white devil, Old Dirty Bastard, had come to the island to say something to the bugbears which made them aggressive toward the bugs and start planning to invade Cacot. Truth joins the party as they head toward the Bugbear hideout. On the way, they overhear some bugbears talking about stabbing their leader in the back and eating people once the city was taken. They say that someone named “Mossy” would give the signal when the time was right.

The Assblasters sneak into their home base, which is a giant dragon skull. The captured mayflies are being kept in a cage and the bugbears are raucously watching two bugbears wrestle. Vaerog turns El Froggo Loco invisible as El Froggo Loco sneaks up on the leader of the Bugbears, who has his son on his knee. The Bugbear leader is telling his son that they would have lots of food soon and that no one would be hurt in the invasion. Feeling morally conflicted, El Froggo Loco decides to make himself visible right next to the leader while balancing a knife. He successfully intimidates the Bugbears as they all freeze in silence.

 

S2 Episode 96 – The Medieval Equivalent of a PS4

Posted on December 12, 2019

The Assblasters talk to the bugbears and find out that the white devil, Old Dirty Bastard, had deceived the bugbears into believing that the citizens of Cacot were hoarding tons of food. The bugbears had been capturing the Mayflies with the intent of harvesting their sparks at the end of the day and using their sparks to heal themselves after raiding the city of Cacot. The Assblasters successfully convince them to release the Mayflies in exchange for the Assblasters killing Fudgie the Leviathan and bringing back its body for the bugbears to eat. The bugbears send their best cleric, Mystical Spelled with a K. Vaerog uses his magic to cast “Counterspill” on the waters around the island. Their Mayfly friend, Truth, says that this probably will be the last time they’ll see him, because his species only lives for 24 hours. He says goodbye and gives L.A.Z.H.O.R. his family heirloom staff as a parting gift. Then, they set off on a boat with Mystical Spelled with a K. Lil Justice attempts to use Speak With Animals to talk to Fudgie. Fudgie says that he doesn’t like the taste of people, but he is planning on eating them anyway just because he likes killing people and chewing on their bones. The leviathan then emerges from the depths and begins crushing their longboat. Mystical Spelled with a K immediately falls into Fudgie’s mouth. The Assblasters have an epic battle with Fudgie. It attempts to swim away, but El Froggo Loco catches it and uses his magical luchador gloves to suplex it onto the rocky beach. The force of the suplex causes Fudgie to throw up Mystical Spelled with a K and a long lost companion from season 1, the Halfling named Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson.

 

S2 Episode 97 – The Tyranny of their Horrible Vegan Existence

Posted on December 25, 2019

With Fudgie the Leviathan slain, the group approach Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson and ask him how he got inside Fudgie. He claims not to have any memory, but Aati points out that he had said the same thing after he had tried to rob Aati & Illum in season 1. The bugbears thank the Assblasters for slaying Fudgie the Leviathan and say that they owe the Assblasters a debt of gratitude. They give the Assblasters one of their longships. The Assblasters sail around the island to find that Picelric is missing and there are bugbear footprints leading into the island. They follow the tracks as L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies overhead. They find 4 bugbears around a campfire who are pickling Picelric in a barrel of salty brine. L.A.Z.H.O.R. successfully intimidates the rogue bugbears by showing them a projection of the Assblasters slaying Fudgie. The rogue bugbears free Picelric and leave peacefully to join their brethren for the feast. Picelric reveals that one of the Mayflies had been looking to speak with them.

They go to the Mayfly village, where they meet Truth’s daughter, Jussie (short for Justice). Jussie says that she recognizes them from her father’s memories, but he had passed away a few hours before they arrived. She directs them to the village elder, Trustice, who had also requested to speak with them. Trustice says that he is the oldest one in the village, since he was born a day and a half ago. He knows he doesn’t have much longer to live, so he promises his “spark” to the Assblasters if they take him to a cliff overlooking the sea where he can see the sunset for the first and last time. The group agrees to help him. As they leave, one of the Mayflies loses their arm in an accident, but it quickly regenerates. Trustice explains that this healing power can temporarily be passed along if one were to consume a Mayfly’s spark. Lil Justice carries Trustice over his shoulder. They sit him down on the cliff as he reveals that his eyesight has gone in his old age. Being completely blind, he asks them to describe the sunset to him. Unfortunately, they arrive a few hours too early and the sun isn’t setting at all. Not wanting to break his heart by telling him the truth, El Froggo Loco describes a sunset to him. He thanks them for their help and tells them that, even if this all seemed pointless or stupid to them, it had meant the world to him. He passes away quietly as a star-like spark floats out of his body and the party quickly bottles it. They return Trustice’s body to the village, only to discover an entire new generation of Mayflies who apparently had created life-sized wood-carved sculptures in their likenesses. Jussie’s daughter, Ruth (short for Truth) , approaches them and says that the others had started to believe that the Assblasters were a myth, but Ruth never doubted their existence. They ritualistically burn Trustice’s body and absorb his memories. The group sees when the bug people lived in the Fey Wild where they had interactions with Gorp and the frogfolk.

After that, the Assblasters take their new longship back to Cacot and watch the actual sunset as they row. Picelric recognizes Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson as someone who pretended to own Grallic’s shop when Grallic had once been banished to Hell. Shah-pu Ki-pu had apparently disappeared after Grallic came back and he was presumably fleeing in a ship when he was swallowed by Fudgie. Upon arrival in Cacot, the group speaks to Grallic the Salve guy, who gives them the password to get into the dungeon. The password is: “The siphon shall remain hidden” written in Dwarvish. Grallic tells them that the head of the monastery, Sibling Micah, would be meeting their sister, Minette Marblevein, upon her return the following day. The entrance to the dungeon is in Sibling Micah’s chambers and would be unguarded during that time. Before they leave, Vezharax offers to pay 150 gold for Picelric’s freedom. Grallic demands more, so El Froggo Loco puts in 150 of his own gold. Grallic agrees and commands Picelric never to do anything he says ever again. Picelric tearfully thanks Vezharax as Vezharax says that he would love to have Picelric in his clan, but that he can’t afford to avenge anyone else. He says that Picelric is a good kid, to which Picelric reveals that he is actually 35 years old. As they leave the shop, Grallic gloats about how he can easily find another dragonborn to do his bidding. Vezharax stays behind to “talk” with Grallic. After a few moments, there is a lot of crashing and screaming. Vezharax comes out of the shop and announces that Grallic will be resting for a few days before leaving the city for good. Shah-Pu Ki-pu Longperson hears this and says that he could stick around to take over Grallic’s shop. Vaerog asks for a salve and Shah-pu goes into the shop to retrieve a Salve of Water Breathing for them. Lil Justice asks what Picelric plans to do with his newfound freedom. When he seems unsure, Lil Justice asks him to join the Assblasters and successfully persuades him to do so. The group then goes to sleep at Picelric’s house and plays some Ni No Kuni with him. For the first time in months, one of his fishing rods actually catches a small fish. They are warned that their passage through the portal will be a one-way trip and it may be dangerous, so they choose to leave behind Picelric, Ponelope, Martha, Crate, Jackson, and Winston. They say goodbye and promise to return for their companions soon. The group then hears a mayoral procession coming by as Minette Marblevein returns. They proceed to the monastery and Picelric sneaks them in a back entrance. They say the password to a magical door in Sibling Micah’s room and it opens for them, leading down a spiral staircase into a stone dungeon that is built down into the river itself. The party finds 100 Mage Slayers lining the walls like the one they fought in Khellukkhaz. MC Thicc Boi encourages them to cast a spell in front of the Mage Slayers. The group then sees a statue of a buff shirtless man with a horse head and they hear a voice in the back of their heads that says “neigh!” On the altar in front of the horse-man, there is a scroll for the spell Darkness, which Vaerog takes. They search among the treasures hidden in this dungeon and Bradperson finds an mirror which lets him cast Clairvoyance to see a place he has been. He uses it to see inside Leomund’s hut, but the hut is strangely empty aside from a lone broom in the corner. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds boots which meld to his feet, leaving small wings on his ankles that let him double jump. The party then approaches a stone arch that appears to be The Gateway. Aati stands on the platform in front of it and thinks of the last place he saw Illum as he holds hands with the others and they all walk through.

 

S2 Episode 98 – How Do You Do, Fellow Players?

Posted on January 8, 2020

Andy takes over as DM. The portal seems to malfunction and, instead of transporting the group to the last place where Aati saw Illum, it sends them to the Old Boar Inn in the town of Scarsdale (which bears a remarkable resemblance to the town that the players encountered in a side-campaign when they played Sunless Citadel). They seem to have gotte separated from Aati & Vezharax. Cacot is apparently a week away from Scarsdale, so they can’t walk back. They speak to the bartender, who is named Steven. He asks them to find his missing friend, a man in a horse mask known as The Pony Express. Strangely, no one can seem to remember The Pony Express. Steven also tells them that the Sherriff Tim has been wearing dark clothes and isolating himself lately. The Assblasters investigate and find out that he is just really excited that his favorite band got back together. Apparently, his favorite band happens to be named My Chemical Romance. Tim is unhelpful in locating the Pony Express. He seems magically incapable of retaining any memory of the Pony Express. The players terrorize the town for two hours, climbing in people’s windows to try to find the Pony Express. Then, Martha nudges Lil Justice to go toward the forest, where they find an elf named James who is trapped under some rocks in a ravine. They free James and the Pony Express magically shows up in an instant to deliver James a letter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that there are some demi-gods among the mortals that can warp reality in minor ways. it is implied that the Pony Express is probably one such demi-god. Steven rewards them with a Horn of Blasting, which he gives to El Froggo Loco. It behaves in a remarkably similar fashion to a gun and its command phrase is “Make my day!” With their quest complete, the Assblasters return through the door they came through and they rejoin with Aati and Vezharax, who have been fighting noose skeletons in the crystal caverns for the last few hours. They follow a trail of golden bloo and skeletal parts until they find a chamber with a open ceiling. There, they see a pile of bones and armor, which Aati recognizes as Illum’s armor. Illum’s severed leg still seems to be in one of the greaves. Aati sees Illum’s hand with his teleportation ring. He grabs Illum’s hand and tries to pull it free, only to realize that the arm isn’t attached to a body. Aati is confused, because he still feels a life force coming from his half of the Sentinel heart pendant. That is when Old Dirty Bastard and the Ghost-Faced Killer. ODB holds up Illum’s half of the pendant and he says that he killed Illum.

 

S2 Episode 99 – New Year, New Cease and Desist

Posted on January 23, 2020

Upon hearing that Illum was dead, Aati flies into a rage and his shadow powers go berserk. His shadow energy begins caving in the crystal caverns. Old Dirty Bastard and the Ghost-Faced Killer attempt to use a crystal mechanism to seal away Aati’s shadow powers, but he partially destroys some of the crystals or blocks the light from being channeled through them. With their plan foiled, the two villains create a portal to leave, but Vaerog counterspells it. Ghost-Face responds by throwing a potion which curses Vaerog to occasionally turn into small marketable creatures. Vaerog then transforms into a small green creature known as a Baybiota. The Assblasters fix or unblock all of the mirrors of the crystal mechanism to temporarily seal away Aati’s shadow powers. Aati apologizes for causing them so much trouble until he notices that Vezharax smiles every time he mentions Illum being dead. Aati storms off and Vezharax says that he has something important to do in the city of Khelukkhaz that night. In the morning, Vezharax returns and reveals that he had tried to cheer up Aati by going asking around the city for the location of Aati’s other former companion, Carl the Gruel Man. In his search, he found out that Carl the Gruel Man was in the monster city of Gashak. So the group heads to Gashak to finally be reunited with Carl. They arrive at the edge of the city and see that there are two ogres guarding the gates.

 

S2 Episode 100 – You Will Be Amazed How Little All of This Mattered

Posted on February 19, 2020

(Summary coming soon)

S2 Episode 101 – TBD

Posted on TBD