S2 Episode 91 – Kiss Your Homies Goodnight
Posted on July 31, 2019
After a brief conversation, the players insult Pabarel Darkstone’s clout and he responds by snitching on Aati. Aati is quickly arrested and taken away to the dungeon. Aati’s freedom suddenly becomes dependent on them securing their petition and getting him pardoned. With this in mind, the player characters promise to continue hunting down Illum and they also arrange for Pabarel to marry Scoria Rubyheart, securing a vote from both Pabarel Darkstone and also from Rhomb Rubyheart. Rhomb gives the group her apology pony, Ponelope, as a “thank you” gift. This guarantees that Pabarel will have access to the Rubyheart militia, a force of 200 soldiers, and essentially secures the death of Galrana and the Elven rebellion.
The Assblasters promise Minette Marblevein that they will help clean up the waters around Cacot by changing Vaerog’s counterspell into “counterspill”. They also promise her that they will convince Elmoor’s paladins to bring fish from the River Vees in Elmoor and that they will ask the king to build a university in Cacot dedicated to helping people gain clout. L.A.Z.H.O.R. refers to it as the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”. Lady Marblevein is convinced that this would be a great aid to her city’s economy, since it would doubtlessly attract plenty of nobles to the city. She promises to vote for their petition.
The group then tells Borathazon that Gorp had killed his son and they promise that they will kill Gorp in exchange for Borathazon’s vote.
The Assblasters give Gorp their golden crown in exchange for his vote.
The group is then interrogated by the Inquisitor, Ganister Ironspine, who demands to see the plane where they had allegedly exiled Squander. Vaerog changes Leomund’s Tiny Hut to “Leomund’s Tiny Hot”, which transports the group inside Leomund’s fireplace behind its burning flames. Through the fire, they see a pantless Leomund romancing his broom and putting a dress on it. They manage to convince Commander Ironspine that this is a layer of Hell, that Leomund was some evil being known as “the keeper”, and that Squander must have been transformed into a broom. The group rushes out of the hut just as Leomund becomes aware of their presence.
With all of the votes secured and the Paladin Commander convinced that Squander had been successfully exiled, the group is led to King Goldenbeard’s room.
S2 Episode 92 – Kiss Your Homies Goodnight
Posted on August 14, 2019
The golden doors open to reveal King Goldenbeard. All of the nobles plank facedown on the ground out of respect for the king. Lil Justice is the first to join as all of the party members join in planking. Bradperson flies up to the top of the door and planks there. He congratulates them on the first successful petition in 14 years. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to smash his MF Like Button and make his speakers play “Celebration”, but instead, it plays “I Love It” by Kanye West and all of the nobles are extremely confused. The king introduces himself and says that his first name is Carletonite, but he prefers to go by “Carlton”. He agrees to pardon Aati & Illum as well as order the creation of the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”, which will teach young future rulers how to navigate Dwarven politics. The King fears that the Assblasters will become targets for having the king’s favor, so he orders the captain of the guard to protect them. the captain (played by returning former player Avi) introduces himself as Captain Kirk Kirkland, but he prefers to be called “Captain Cuck”. The group follows Gorp and Drandir into a back alley, with the intention to banish Gorp back to the Feywilds and tell Borathazon that they killed him. Drandir is onto them and defends Gorp. Drandir tells Gorp to get to safety. When the frog king is out of hearing distance, Drandir says that he needs to keep Gorp as a scapegoat for the disappearance of Bellis Diamondback. Gorp has seemingly been keeping the other frog folk in line and Drandir fears that they would become violent if Gorp were to disappear. The Assblasters agree to wait until after the investigation is completed before taking care of Gorp. Lil Justice attempts to speak to their new apology pony, Penelope, but she only says “I’m sorry” and “I’m so sorry”. She does seem to be able to understand his questions and can nod her head to answer them “yes” or “no”. He enlists Winston the Dire Corgi’s help in communicating her, but Winston just seems to think that she is introducing herself and her name is “Sorry”. With that, the group finally leaves Fuluz’Mora and heads south to Cacot. On the way, they pass through the Memorial Valley. Vezharax informs them that Dwarves have an innate ability to sense when they are going to die of natural causes. It seems to be a sacred place for Dwarves and they come here to “return to the stone”. The group approaches a small hut with a fire inside. They speak to an elderly dying Dwarf named Grendel. He tells them that the valley is filled with lonely spirits of fallen Dwarves. The spirits appear at twilight or talk to him in his sleep. They are know to sense the happiest memories of people who travel to the Memorial Valley and project those memories on the walls of the valley; however, the spirits grow upset with people who try to leave the valley and will show them their most painful memory. The Assblasters share a meal with Grendel and then wish him farewell as they continue heading to Cacot. On the way, the spirits project their happiest memories. Lil Justice sees himself on a date with an Elven woman as they lay in a field looking up at the stars. Captain Cuck sees himself being promoted to Captain and going home to tell his wife. L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees himself in a laboratory with no cybernetic enhancements and there is a Gnome fixing his broken arm. Lil Justice anticipates the bad memories that the spirits are going to show and he puts his manticore belt over his eyes. Aati follows his lead and covers his eyes to protect his friends’ privacy as Bradperson immediately pickpockets 5 gold from the blindfolded Aati. Aati’s memory is the scene from Season 1 of the podcast where Illum gave him his shield, Carl made him his favorite gray gruel, and Long Dong Silver brought him a rose. Thanks to this, everyone in the group is finally able to see what Carl the Gruel Man looks like. Bradperson’s memory is of the first time he flew. Vezharax’s memory is of him coming home to his wife and son to find out that they had performed a ritual to make themselves his clan members so that he would have a Dragonborn clan once more (having lost his previous clan to Orcish raiders). Vezharax begins to cry at the sight of his now-deceased son. The blindfolded Lil Justice attempts to comfort him, but accidentally embraces Bradperson. Vezharax leans back and bumps Ponelope, who simply says “I’m sorry”, which he actually finds strangely comforting. Vaerog’s memory is of himself as a child learning to cast Firebolt for the first time with an old Elf tutor at his side. Then, they finally begin approaching the end of the valley and the spirits show them their worst memories to scare them away from the exit. Captain Cuck sees the same memory as before, but this time it continues to him entering the house and seeing his wife sleeping with his Elven best friend. He begins to sob openly as Aati hugs him. Lil Justice removes the manticore belt from around his eyes and puts it around Captain Cuck’s eyes just as his own bad memory begins to play, so he is forced to watch a blurry memory of himself on the verge of death looking up at a dark figure as it slits the throat of the same Elven woman from his happy memory. Aati brings Lil Justice into the group hug with Captain Cuck. Aati’s memory is from the same episode in season 1 when Nemestraehi slit Long Dong Silver’s throat. Vaerog’s memory is of an Elven village burning as he ran around frantically until he found his old tutor laying on the floor. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is shown a memory from the redacted episode (S2 E22 B), where they killed half of the frog folk. He mourns for what could have been. Bradperson sees a vision of himself limping down a dark hallway until he gets to a stone door. He pushes it open and goes into the room beyond as the memory goes pitch black. Bradperson is clearly shaken by this vision. MC Thiccboi proclaims that he has no tragic backstory like the other party members, but the spirits show a memory of the time when it convinced the party members to repeatedly toast to Forg until they drank themselves unconscious. In the memory, MC Thiccboi is standing over their bodies, gloating triumphantly. Its triumph quickly turns to despair as the party begins to awaken and it discovers that it failed to kill them. The Assblasters then finally proceed to Cacot. After two more days of traveling, they begin traversing through hills fields of long grass growing on both sides of the road. They see a dark cloud in the distance and recognize it as the cloud of smog that is said to erupt from the forges of Cacot and cover the city. Vezharax claims that people call it “the city under the cloud” due to the heavy pollution. As they approach the city, they come upon a devil sitting under a tree by the side of the road. A second figure wearing wizard robes lays bleeding in the center of the road. This husky devil with a long gray beard stands up, brushes himself off and readies two shimmering blades as he says that he was expecting the Assblasters, but he was starting to worry they wouldn’t show up.
S2 Episode 93 – Tokyo Drift
Posted on August 28, 2019
The Assblasters head to the city of Cacot to fulfill promises they made in the Dwarven capital city of Fuluz’Mora. As they approach the city, they are stopped by a white winged devil who had apparently been waiting for them next to the bleeding body of a green dragonborn who he had stabbed. The white devil says that most people just call him “Old Dirty Bastard” and claims to be Malexxis’ strongest general. He claims that the dragonborn was an unfortunate casualty who happened upon him while he was waiting for the Assblasters. ODB proceeds to attack the party, killing their companion, Captain Cuck. As he fights, Aati recognizes the devil’s twin daggers as being the same ones that Nemestraehi had used in the arena of Elmoor. ODB successfully knocks out Aati, paralyzes Lil Justice, and uses the daggers to steal Lil Justice’s rage ability. The party attempts to flee as Vezharax heals the green dragonborn. The green dragonborn gets up, thanks Vezharax, and says that, if they ever need anything, his name is Picelric. Then he runs off toward Cacot. As they drag Aati and Lil Justice into their golden chariot, ODB approaches menacingly. At the last second, L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts him backward with an Eldritch Blast. Then, Bradperson takes the reigns of the chariot, turns it to go around ODB, but then turns again at the last second in order to “Tokyo Drift” the carriage straight into ODB. ODB manages to cut the bridle, freeing Jackson the white bronco, which runs off with Vezharax. The carriage then rolls over the devil and tears apart as it slams into a tree, throwing most of the party from it (except for Vaerog, who managed to hold on). When the dust clears, the white devil is still standing and approaches to finish off the Assblasters. Just as all hope seems lost, a green bullseye appears on ODB’s forehead. Then, a mysterious masked frog-man leaps out of the tall grass on the side of the road. The froggy luchador (played by Avi) quickly suplexes the white devil, then hurls him through the overturned carriage before using an Action Surge to body slam him and kick him through the fence on the side of the road. The final blow causes him to drop his dagger and land on top of it, shattering the blade and returning Lil Justice’s rage ability to him. ODB then realizes he is outmatched, so he flies away, swearing vengeance upon the Assblasters. Having survived the battle, the party members all level up to Level 10. L.A.Z.H.O.R. approaches the masked frog-man and asks who he is, but the froggy luchador simply responds, “Mi nombre as El Froggo Loco.”
S2 Episode 94 – You Guys Wanna See Me Do a Backflip?
Posted on October 1, 2019
The protagonists look around at the wreckage as Old Dirty Bastard flies away. They see the puzzle box and have a flashback of them on the road to Cacot a few days ago when Hooup was trying to solve the puzzle box. Just as he was about to solve it, he said, “When I turn this piece, I should be able to -” and then he was instantly sucked into the puzzle box. At that point, Captain Cuck had been preparing to do a backflip and he promised to do a backflip that they would never forget. In the present day, a group of masked luchador frog buddies hop out of the grass to join El Froggo Loco. Shadow begins leaking out of the shattered dagger. Vaerog uses Mending to try to keep it from escaping. He manages to trap most of it, but a little bit still flows into Aati, who sits straight up with his eyes rolled back in his head. He quickly snaps out of it, but is joined by the tentacle who he calls his “lil buddy” and says that he hasn’t seen during the day time in a while. The tentacle gurgles cryptic message to Aati as Aati proceeds to say a prayer over Captain Cuck’s body. Vezharax then returns to heal party members. He attempts to heal Captain Cuck, but he is not strong enough to restore life to Captain Cuck. The players roll canon dice to attempt to determine that Captain Cuck comes back to life to perform one final backflip, but they roll very low.
Crate, Winston, and Ponelope were hurt in the crash, but Martha is weirdly completely fine. Vezharax heals them as Lil Justice talks to Winston. Lil Justice then attempts to talk to Aati’s lil tentacle buddy. He doesn’t understand most of its gurgling, but he gets it to blink at him and asks it “yes or no” questions. The tentacle claims that it is not trying to hurt Aati and it seems to want to be close to Old Dirty Bastard’s dagger. It indicates that it is with Aati because of the same magic that the dagger came from. As they are talking, Captain Cuck rises to his feet, but he does so as a shadow zombie. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Aati refuse to attack, but Bradperson uses his great sword to sweep the zombie’s legs out from under him, causing the undead Captain Cuck to do one final backflip, landing on his head and exploding.
Picelric rides up with a paladin who Aati recognizes as the guard from Elmoor, Babyface. It seems that Picelric went to the city to get help. Lieutenant Babyface offers to bury Captain Cuck and send news to the king about the guard captain’s death. He gives the Assblasters a ride back to the city and helps them bring the remains of their chariot to a carpenter for repairs. Babyface says that all of the paladins are packing up their camps to go get building materials and fish from Elmoor so that they can re-stock the river and build the Clout Ruler Temple.
The Assblasters finally see the city of Cacot, which exists almost entirely on a big wooden bridge that spans a murky, polluted river beneath a cloud of smog from the forges that line the banks of the river. The people of the city are emaciated and lethargic due to their food supply drying up. The players roll persuasion checks to try to get Picelric to come with them. Because none of the party members rolls a 20, Picelric offers to let them recover at his house under the bridge. The group sleeps through most of the day and then eats a thin stew that Picelric made for dinner. Afterward, L.A.Z.H.O.R. thanks Picelric by giving him a regular hammer from his inventory as a parting gift. The Assblasters then head to the spring that feeds the river. They travel for a few miles and see that the solution has traveled upstream. Vaerog uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Counterspell” into “Counterspill”. The group becomes determined to complete this from as far away as possible, so Niccolo rolls to perform the spell “from downtown”. With a successful roll, he manages to shoot the spell a little further than its normal max distance and the pollution in the water magically dissipates. As they head back, they see the water has turned clear blue and some villagers have run to the stream to start drinking from it. With the sun setting, they head to the temple, which is full of silent monks who have all taken a vow of silence. They are taken aside by the head of the order, Sibling Micah, who bears a strong resemblance to the city’s mayor Minette Marblevein. They say there is a dungeon beneath the temple, but only those who have been told the password and given permission from the king can access it. Micah also says that there is an artifact down there called The Gateway, which can take a person to any place they can think of. Aati sees this as a way to get the group back to the last place where he saw Illum. Unable to persuade Micah to let them in, they leave to scheme of another way to get into the dungeon. As they exit the temple, they are met by Picelric, who says that his boss may be able to help them get into the dungeon. He takes them to Cacot Potions & Salves, where an Orcish man behind the counter greets them and says, “You guys lookin’ for salves?” It is Grallic, the former slave salesman, who is now selling salves.
S2 Episode 95 – This Is Gonna Be So Dated By the Time It Gets Posted
Posted on November 28, 2019
(Summary coming soon)