S2 Ep. 91 – 100

S2 Episode 91 – Kiss Your Homies Goodnight

Posted on July 31, 2019

After a brief conversation, the players insult Pabarel Darkstone’s clout and he responds by snitching on Aati. Aati is quickly arrested and taken away to the dungeon. Aati’s freedom suddenly becomes dependent on them securing their petition and getting him pardoned. With this in mind, the player characters promise to continue hunting down Illum and they also arrange for Pabarel to marry Scoria Rubyheart, securing a vote from both Pabarel Darkstone and also from Rhomb Rubyheart. Rhomb gives the group her apology pony, Ponelope, as a “thank you” gift. This guarantees that Pabarel will have access to the Rubyheart militia, a force of 200 soldiers, and essentially secures the death of Galrana and the Elven rebellion.

The Assblasters promise Minette Marblevein that they will help clean up the waters around Cacot by changing Vaerog’s counterspell into “counterspill”. They also promise her that they will convince Elmoor’s paladins to bring fish from the River Vees in Elmoor and that they will ask the king to build a university in Cacot dedicated to helping people gain clout. L.A.Z.H.O.R. refers to it as the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”. Lady Marblevein is convinced that this would be a great aid to her city’s economy, since it would doubtlessly attract plenty of nobles to the city. She promises to vote for their petition.

The group then tells Borathazon that Gorp had killed his son and they promise that they will kill Gorp in exchange for Borathazon’s vote.

The Assblasters give Gorp their golden crown in exchange for his vote.

The group is then interrogated by the Inquisitor, Ganister Ironspine, who demands to see the plane where they had allegedly exiled Squander. Vaerog changes Leomund’s Tiny Hut to “Leomund’s Tiny Hot”, which transports the group inside Leomund’s fireplace behind its burning flames. Through the fire, they see a pantless Leomund romancing his broom and putting a dress on it. They manage to convince Commander Ironspine that this is a layer of Hell, that Leomund was some evil being known as “the keeper”, and that Squander must have been transformed into a broom. The group rushes out of the hut just as Leomund becomes aware of their presence.

With all of the votes secured and the Paladin Commander convinced that Squander had been successfully exiled, the group is led to King Goldenbeard’s room.

S2 Episode 92 – Fortnight at Bernie’s

Posted on August 14, 2019

The golden doors open to reveal King Goldenbeard. All of the nobles plank facedown on the ground out of respect for the king. Lil Justice is the first to join as all of the party members join in planking. Bradperson flies up to the top of the door and planks there. He congratulates them on the first successful petition in 14 years. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to smash his MF Like Button and make his speakers play “Celebration”, but instead, it plays “I Love It” by Kanye West and all of the nobles are extremely confused. The king introduces himself and says that his first name is Carletonite, but he prefers to go by “Carlton”. He agrees to pardon Aati & Illum as well as order the creation of the “Clout Ruler’s Temple”, which will teach young future rulers how to navigate Dwarven politics. The King fears that the Assblasters will become targets for having the king’s favor, so he orders the captain of the guard to protect them. the captain (played by returning former player Avi) introduces himself as Captain Kirk Kirkland, but he prefers to be called “Captain Cuck”. The group follows Gorp and Drandir into a back alley, with the intention to banish Gorp back to the Feywilds and tell Borathazon that they killed him. Drandir is onto them and defends Gorp. Drandir tells Gorp to get to safety. When the frog king is out of hearing distance, Drandir says that he needs to keep Gorp as a scapegoat for the disappearance of Bellis Diamondback. Gorp has seemingly been keeping the other frog folk in line and Drandir fears that they would become violent if Gorp were to disappear. The Assblasters agree to wait until after the investigation is completed before taking care of Gorp. Lil Justice attempts to speak to their new apology pony, Penelope, but she only says “I’m sorry” and “I’m so sorry”. She does seem to be able to understand his questions and can nod her head to answer them “yes” or “no”. He enlists Winston the Dire Corgi’s help in communicating her, but Winston just seems to think that she is introducing herself and her name is “Sorry”. With that, the group finally leaves Fuluz’Mora and heads south to Cacot. On the way, they pass through the Memorial Valley. Vezharax informs them that Dwarves have an innate ability to sense when they are going to die of natural causes. It seems to be a sacred place for Dwarves and they come here to “return to the stone”. The group approaches a small hut with a fire inside. They speak to an elderly dying Dwarf named Grendel. He tells them that the valley is filled with lonely spirits of fallen Dwarves. The spirits appear at twilight or talk to him in his sleep. They are know to sense the happiest memories of people who travel to the Memorial Valley and project those memories on the walls of the valley; however, the spirits grow upset with people who try to leave the valley and will show them their most painful memory. The Assblasters share a meal with Grendel and then wish him farewell as they continue heading to Cacot. On the way, the spirits project their happiest memories. Lil Justice sees himself on a date with an Elven woman as they lay in a field looking up at the stars. Captain Cuck sees himself being promoted to Captain and going home to tell his wife. L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees himself in a laboratory with no cybernetic enhancements and there is a Gnome fixing his broken arm. Lil Justice anticipates the bad memories that the spirits are going to show and he puts his manticore belt over his eyes. Aati follows his lead and covers his eyes to protect his friends’ privacy as Bradperson immediately pickpockets 5 gold from the blindfolded Aati. Aati’s memory is the scene from Season 1 of the podcast where Illum gave him his shield, Carl made him his favorite gray gruel, and Long Dong Silver brought him a rose. Thanks to this, everyone in the group is finally able to see what Carl the Gruel Man looks like. Bradperson’s memory is of the first time he flew. Vezharax’s memory is of him coming home to his wife and son to find out that they had performed a ritual to make themselves his clan members so that he would have a Dragonborn clan once more (having lost his previous clan to Orcish raiders). Vezharax begins to cry at the sight of his now-deceased son. The blindfolded Lil Justice attempts to comfort him, but accidentally embraces Bradperson. Vezharax leans back and bumps Ponelope, who simply says “I’m sorry”, which he actually finds strangely comforting. Vaerog’s memory is of himself as a child learning to cast Firebolt for the first time with an old Elf tutor at his side. Then, they finally begin approaching the end of the valley and the spirits show them their worst memories to scare them away from the exit. Captain Cuck sees the same memory as before, but this time it continues to him entering the house and seeing his wife sleeping with his Elven best friend. He begins to sob openly as Aati hugs him. Lil Justice removes the manticore belt from around his eyes and puts it around Captain Cuck’s eyes just as his own bad memory begins to play, so he is forced to watch a blurry memory of himself on the verge of death looking up at a dark figure as it slits the throat of the same Elven woman from his happy memory. Aati brings Lil Justice into the group hug with Captain Cuck. Aati’s memory is from the same episode in season 1 when Nemestraehi slit Long Dong Silver’s throat. Vaerog’s memory is of an Elven village burning as he ran around frantically until he found his old tutor laying on the floor. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is shown a memory from the redacted episode (S2 E22 B), where they killed half of the frog folk. He mourns for what could have been. Bradperson sees a vision of himself limping down a dark hallway until he gets to a stone door. He pushes it open and goes into the room beyond as the memory goes pitch black. Bradperson is clearly shaken by this vision. MC Thiccboi proclaims that he has no tragic backstory like the other party members, but the spirits show a memory of the time when it convinced the party members to repeatedly toast to Forg until they drank themselves unconscious. In the memory, MC Thiccboi is standing over their bodies, gloating triumphantly. Its triumph quickly turns to despair as the party begins to awaken and it discovers that it failed to kill them. The Assblasters then finally proceed to Cacot. After two more days of traveling, they begin traversing through hills fields of long grass growing on both sides of the road. They see a dark cloud in the distance and recognize it as the cloud of smog that is said to erupt from the forges of Cacot and cover the city. Vezharax claims that people call it “the city under the cloud” due to the heavy pollution. As they approach the city, they come upon a devil sitting under a tree by the side of the road. A second figure wearing wizard robes lays bleeding in the center of the road. This husky devil with a long gray beard stands up, brushes himself off and readies two shimmering blades as he says that he was expecting the Assblasters, but he was starting to worry they wouldn’t show up.

S2 Episode 93 – Tokyo Drift

Posted on August 28, 2019

The Assblasters head to the city of Cacot to fulfill promises they made in the Dwarven capital city of Fuluz’Mora. As they approach the city, they are stopped by a white winged devil who had apparently been waiting for them next to the bleeding body of a green dragonborn who he had stabbed. The white devil says that most people just call him “Old Dirty Bastard” and claims to be Malexxis’ strongest general. He claims that the dragonborn was an unfortunate casualty who happened upon him while he was waiting for the Assblasters. ODB proceeds to attack the party, killing their companion, Captain Cuck. As he fights, Aati recognizes the devil’s twin daggers as being the same ones that Nemestraehi had used in the arena of Elmoor. ODB successfully knocks out Aati, paralyzes Lil Justice, and uses the daggers to steal Lil Justice’s rage ability. The party attempts to flee as Vezharax heals the green dragonborn. The green dragonborn gets up, thanks Vezharax, and says that, if they ever need anything, his name is Picelric. Then he runs off toward Cacot. As they drag Aati and Lil Justice into their golden chariot, ODB approaches menacingly. At the last second, L.A.Z.H.O.R. blasts him backward with an Eldritch Blast. Then, Bradperson takes the reigns of the chariot, turns it to go around ODB, but then turns again at the last second in order to “Tokyo Drift” the carriage straight into ODB. ODB manages to cut the bridle, freeing Jackson the white bronco, which runs off with Vezharax. The carriage then rolls over the devil and tears apart as it slams into a tree, throwing most of the party from it (except for Vaerog, who managed to hold on). When the dust clears, the white devil is still standing and approaches to finish off the Assblasters. Just as all hope seems lost, a green bullseye appears on ODB’s forehead. Then, a mysterious masked frog-man leaps out of the tall grass on the side of the road. The froggy luchador (played by Avi) quickly suplexes the white devil, then hurls him through the overturned carriage before using an Action Surge to body slam him and kick him through the fence on the side of the road. The final blow causes him to drop his dagger and land on top of it, shattering the blade and returning Lil Justice’s rage ability to him. ODB then realizes he is outmatched, so he flies away, swearing vengeance upon the Assblasters. Having survived the battle, the party members all level up to Level 10. L.A.Z.H.O.R. approaches the masked frog-man and asks who he is, but the froggy luchador  simply responds, “Mi nombre as El Froggo Loco.”

S2 Episode 94 – You Guys Wanna See Me Do a Backflip?

Posted on October 1, 2019

The protagonists look around at the wreckage as Old Dirty Bastard flies away. They see the puzzle box and have a flashback of them on the road to Cacot a few days ago when Hooup was trying to solve the puzzle box. Just as he was about to solve it, he said, “When I turn this piece, I should be able to -” and then he was instantly sucked into the puzzle box. At that point, Captain Cuck had been preparing to do a backflip and he promised to do a backflip that they would never forget. In the present day, a group of masked luchador frog buddies hop out of the grass to join El Froggo Loco. Shadow begins leaking out of the shattered dagger. Vaerog uses Mending to try to keep it from escaping. He manages to trap most of it, but a little bit still flows into Aati, who sits straight up with his eyes rolled back in his head. He quickly snaps out of it, but is joined by the tentacle who he calls his “lil buddy” and says that he hasn’t seen during the day time in a while. The tentacle gurgles cryptic message to Aati as Aati proceeds to say a prayer over Captain Cuck’s body. Vezharax then returns to heal party members. He attempts to heal Captain Cuck, but he is not strong enough to restore life to Captain Cuck. The players roll canon dice to attempt to determine that Captain Cuck comes back to life to perform one final backflip, but they roll very low.

Crate, Winston, and Ponelope were hurt in the crash, but Martha is weirdly completely fine. Vezharax heals them as Lil Justice talks to Winston. Lil Justice then attempts to talk to Aati’s lil tentacle buddy. He doesn’t understand most of its gurgling, but he gets it to blink at him and asks it “yes or no” questions. The tentacle claims that it is not trying to hurt Aati and it seems to want to be close to Old Dirty Bastard’s dagger. It indicates that it is with Aati because of the same magic that the dagger came from. As they are talking, Captain Cuck rises to his feet, but he does so as a shadow zombie. L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Aati refuse to attack, but Bradperson uses his great sword to sweep the zombie’s legs out from under him, causing the undead Captain Cuck to do one final backflip, landing on his head and exploding.

Picelric rides up with a paladin who Aati recognizes as the guard from Elmoor, Babyface. It seems that Picelric went to the city to get help. Lieutenant Babyface offers to bury Captain Cuck and send news to the king about the guard captain’s death. He gives the Assblasters a ride back to the city and helps them bring the remains of their chariot to a carpenter for repairs. Babyface says that all of the paladins are packing up their camps to go get building materials and fish from Elmoor so that they can re-stock the river and build the Clout Ruler Temple.

The Assblasters finally see the city of Cacot, which exists almost entirely on a big wooden bridge that spans a murky, polluted river beneath a cloud of smog from the forges that line the banks of the river. The people of the city are emaciated and lethargic due to their food supply drying up. The players roll persuasion checks to try to get Picelric to come with them. Because none of the party members rolls a 20, Picelric offers to let them recover at his house under the bridge. The group sleeps through most of the day and then eats a thin stew that Picelric made for dinner. Afterward, L.A.Z.H.O.R. thanks Picelric by giving him a regular hammer from his inventory as a parting gift. The Assblasters then head to the spring that feeds the river. They travel for a few miles and see that the solution has traveled upstream. Vaerog uses his Trickster’s Quill to change “Counterspell” into “Counterspill”. The group becomes determined to complete this from as far away as possible, so Niccolo rolls to perform the spell “from downtown”. With a successful roll, he manages to shoot the spell a little further than its normal max distance and the pollution in the water magically dissipates. As they head back, they see the water has turned clear blue and some villagers have run to the stream to start drinking from it. With the sun setting, they head to the temple, which is full of silent monks who have all taken a vow of silence. They are taken aside by the head of the order, Sibling Micah, who bears a strong resemblance to the city’s mayor Minette Marblevein. They say there is a dungeon beneath the temple, but only those who have been told the password and given permission from the king can access it. Micah also says that there is an artifact down there called The Gateway, which can take a person to any place they can think of. Aati sees this as a way to get the group back to the last place where he saw Illum. Unable to persuade Micah to let them in, they leave to scheme of another way to get into the dungeon. As they exit the temple, they are met by Picelric, who says that his boss may be able to help them get into the dungeon. He takes them to Cacot Potions & Salves, where an Orcish man behind the counter greets them and says, “You guys lookin’ for salves?” It is Grallic, the former slave salesman, who is now selling salves.

S2 Episode 95 – This Is Gonna Be So Dated By the Time It Gets Posted

Posted on November 28, 2019

The Assblasters speak to Grallic the salve guy. El Froggo Loco buys a salve of fire breathing for 20 gold. Grallic says that he had gotten out of the slave business at just the right time, because there was a group of lawless vigilantes known as “The White Claw” who had been hunting slavers. The leader of the White Claw is a man named Scam Likely. The Assblasters try to intimidate Grallic into helping them by threatening to tell the authorities about his former dealings selling slaves. Grallic counters by having his apprentice, Picelric, threaten to show a falsified illusion of the group stealing from the shop. Picelric reveals that, a few weeks earlier, he had been attacked by a group of thugs. Grallic just so happened to have arrived at that exact moment and threw exploding potions to scare off the bandits. Picelric promised to do whatever he could to repay the life-debt and Grallic took advantage of this by making Picelric his apprentice. Vezharax seems suspicious of Grallic’s timing. The Assblasters agree to stop the Bugbears in exchange for Grallic getting them into the dungeon beneath the temple of Cacot. Grallic then tells them that Bugbears are going to attack the city of Cacot and asks the protagonists to stop them in exchange for the password to the dungeon. The group agrees and then returns to Picelric’s house to rest for the evening.

In the middle of the night, one of El Froggo Loco’s frogs wakes up Lil Justice and tells him “Illum will die and Aati will be consumed by shadow”. In the morning, Lil Justice tells everyone else in the group except for Aati. Then, Picelric ferries the group to Bug Island

On the way, they see a large beast prowling the waters. Picelric says that it is called Fudgie the Leviathan and it is known to sink ships. It’s insides may or may not be filled with chocolate. The group is able to ferry past the beast undetected. Once on the island, they meet Truth, a bug person who belongs to a species of bug people. The bug people are known as Mayflies and they are originally from the Fey Wilds. All of the Mayflies are named either “Truth” or “Justice” in the hopes of fulfilling a prophecy that “Truth and Justice would one day rule the land.” The Mayflies only live about 24 hours, so time is of the essence to rescue his friends. Truth reveals that most of his people were kidnapped by bugbears, who hoped to harvest their sparks for their healing properties. The white devil, Old Dirty Bastard, had come to the island to say something to the bugbears which made them aggressive toward the bugs and start planning to invade Cacot. Truth joins the party as they head toward the Bugbear hideout. On the way, they overhear some bugbears talking about stabbing their leader in the back and eating people once the city was taken. They say that someone named “Mossy” would give the signal when the time was right.

The Assblasters sneak into their home base, which is a giant dragon skull. The captured mayflies are being kept in a cage and the bugbears are raucously watching two bugbears wrestle. Vaerog turns El Froggo Loco invisible as El Froggo Loco sneaks up on the leader of the Bugbears, who has his son on his knee. The Bugbear leader is telling his son that they would have lots of food soon and that no one would be hurt in the invasion. Feeling morally conflicted, El Froggo Loco decides to make himself visible right next to the leader while balancing a knife. He successfully intimidates the Bugbears as they all freeze in silence.

S2 Episode 96 – The Medieval Equivalent of a PS4

Posted on December 12, 2019

The Assblasters talk to the bugbears and find out that the white devil, Old Dirty Bastard, had deceived the bugbears into believing that the citizens of Cacot were hoarding tons of food. The bugbears had been capturing the Mayflies with the intent of harvesting their sparks at the end of the day and using their sparks to heal themselves after raiding the city of Cacot. The Assblasters successfully convince them to release the Mayflies in exchange for the Assblasters killing Fudgie the Leviathan and bringing back its body for the bugbears to eat. The bugbears send their best cleric, Mystical Spelled with a K. Vaerog uses his magic to cast “Counterspill” on the waters around the island. Their Mayfly friend, Truth, says that this probably will be the last time they’ll see him, because his species only lives for 24 hours. He says goodbye and gives L.A.Z.H.O.R. his family heirloom staff as a parting gift. Then, they set off on a boat with Mystical Spelled with a K. Lil Justice attempts to use Speak With Animals to talk to Fudgie. Fudgie says that he doesn’t like the taste of people, but he is planning on eating them anyway just because he likes killing people and chewing on their bones. The leviathan then emerges from the depths and begins crushing their longboat. Mystical Spelled with a K immediately falls into Fudgie’s mouth. The Assblasters have an epic battle with Fudgie. It attempts to swim away, but El Froggo Loco catches it and uses his magical luchador gloves to suplex it onto the rocky beach. The force of the suplex causes Fudgie to throw up Mystical Spelled with a K and a long lost companion from season 1, the Halfling named Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson.

S2 Episode 97 – The Tyranny of their Horrible Vegan Existence

Posted on December 25, 2019

With Fudgie the Leviathan slain, the group approach Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson and ask him how he got inside Fudgie. He claims not to have any memory, but Aati points out that he had said the same thing after he had tried to rob Aati & Illum in season 1. The bugbears thank the Assblasters for slaying Fudgie the Leviathan and say that they owe the Assblasters a debt of gratitude. They give the Assblasters one of their longships. The Assblasters sail around the island to find that Picelric is missing and there are bugbear footprints leading into the island. They follow the tracks as L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies overhead. They find 4 bugbears around a campfire who are pickling Picelric in a barrel of salty brine. L.A.Z.H.O.R. successfully intimidates the rogue bugbears by showing them a projection of the Assblasters slaying Fudgie. The rogue bugbears free Picelric and leave peacefully to join their brethren for the feast. Picelric reveals that one of the Mayflies had been looking to speak with them.

They go to the Mayfly village, where they meet Truth’s daughter, Jussie (short for Justice). Jussie says that she recognizes them from her father’s memories, but he had passed away a few hours before they arrived. She directs them to the village elder, Trustice, who had also requested to speak with them. Trustice says that he is the oldest one in the village, since he was born a day and a half ago. He knows he doesn’t have much longer to live, so he promises his “spark” to the Assblasters if they take him to a cliff overlooking the sea where he can see the sunset for the first and last time. The group agrees to help him. As they leave, one of the Mayflies loses their arm in an accident, but it quickly regenerates. Trustice explains that this healing power can temporarily be passed along if one were to consume a Mayfly’s spark. Lil Justice carries Trustice over his shoulder. They sit him down on the cliff as he reveals that his eyesight has gone in his old age. Being completely blind, he asks them to describe the sunset to him. Unfortunately, they arrive a few hours too early and the sun isn’t setting at all. Not wanting to break his heart by telling him the truth, El Froggo Loco describes a sunset to him. He thanks them for their help and tells them that, even if this all seemed pointless or stupid to them, it had meant the world to him. He passes away quietly as a star-like spark floats out of his body and the party quickly bottles it. They return Trustice’s body to the village, only to discover an entire new generation of Mayflies who apparently had created life-sized wood-carved sculptures in their likenesses. Jussie’s daughter, Ruth (short for Truth) , approaches them and says that the others had started to believe that the Assblasters were a myth, but Ruth never doubted their existence. They ritualistically burn Trustice’s body and absorb his memories. The group sees when the bug people lived in the Fey Wild where they had interactions with Gorp and the frogfolk.

After that, the Assblasters take their new longship back to Cacot and watch the actual sunset as they row. Picelric recognizes Shah-pu Ki-pu Longperson as someone who pretended to own Grallic’s shop when Grallic had once been banished to Hell. Shah-pu Ki-pu had apparently disappeared after Grallic came back and he was presumably fleeing in a ship when he was swallowed by Fudgie. Upon arrival in Cacot, the group speaks to Grallic the Salve guy, who gives them the password to get into the dungeon. The password is: “The siphon shall remain hidden” written in Dwarvish. Grallic tells them that the head of the monastery, Sibling Micah, would be meeting their sister, Minette Marblevein, upon her return the following day. The entrance to the dungeon is in Sibling Micah’s chambers and would be unguarded during that time. Before they leave, Vezharax offers to pay 150 gold for Picelric’s freedom. Grallic demands more, so El Froggo Loco puts in 150 of his own gold. Grallic agrees and commands Picelric never to do anything he says ever again. Picelric tearfully thanks Vezharax as Vezharax says that he would love to have Picelric in his clan, but that he can’t afford to avenge anyone else. He says that Picelric is a good kid, to which Picelric reveals that he is actually 35 years old. As they leave the shop, Grallic gloats about how he can easily find another dragonborn to do his bidding. Vezharax stays behind to “talk” with Grallic. After a few moments, there is a lot of crashing and screaming. Vezharax comes out of the shop and announces that Grallic will be resting for a few days before leaving the city for good. Shah-Pu Ki-pu Longperson hears this and says that he could stick around to take over Grallic’s shop. Vaerog asks for a salve and Shah-pu goes into the shop to retrieve a Salve of Water Breathing for them. Lil Justice asks what Picelric plans to do with his newfound freedom. When he seems unsure, Lil Justice asks him to join the Assblasters and successfully persuades him to do so. The group then goes to sleep at Picelric’s house and plays some Ni No Kuni with him. For the first time in months, one of his fishing rods actually catches a small fish. They are warned that their passage through the portal will be a one-way trip and it may be dangerous, so they choose to leave behind Picelric, Ponelope, Martha, Crate, Jackson, and Winston. They say goodbye and promise to return for their companions soon. The group then hears a mayoral procession coming by as Minette Marblevein returns. They proceed to the monastery and Picelric sneaks them in a back entrance. They say the password to a magical door in Sibling Micah’s room and it opens for them, leading down a spiral staircase into a stone dungeon that is built down into the river itself. The party finds 100 Mage Slayers lining the walls like the one they fought in Khellukkhaz. MC Thicc Boi encourages them to cast a spell in front of the Mage Slayers. The group then sees a statue of a buff shirtless man with a horse head and they hear a voice in the back of their heads that says “neigh!” On the altar in front of the horse-man, there is a scroll for the spell Darkness, which Vaerog takes. They search among the treasures hidden in this dungeon and Bradperson finds an mirror which lets him cast Clairvoyance to see a place he has been. He uses it to see inside Leomund’s hut, but the hut is strangely empty aside from a lone broom in the corner. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finds boots which meld to his feet, leaving small wings on his ankles that let him double jump. The party then approaches a stone arch that appears to be The Gateway. Aati stands on the platform in front of it and thinks of the last place he saw Illum as he holds hands with the others and they all walk through.

S2 Episode 98 – How Do You Do, Fellow Players?

Posted on January 8, 2020

Andy takes over as DM. The portal seems to malfunction and, instead of transporting the group to the last place where Aati saw Illum, it sends them to the Old Boar Inn in the town of Scarsdale (which bears a remarkable resemblance to the town that the players encountered in a side-campaign when they played Sunless Citadel). They seem to have gotte separated from Aati & Vezharax. Cacot is apparently a week away from Scarsdale, so they can’t walk back. They speak to the bartender, who is named Steven. He asks them to find his missing friend, a man in a horse mask known as The Pony Express. Strangely, no one can seem to remember The Pony Express. Steven also tells them that the Sherriff Tim has been wearing dark clothes and isolating himself lately. The Assblasters investigate and find out that he is just really excited that his favorite band got back together. Apparently, his favorite band happens to be named My Chemical Romance. Tim is unhelpful in locating the Pony Express. He seems magically incapable of retaining any memory of the Pony Express. The players terrorize the town for two hours, climbing in people’s windows to try to find the Pony Express. Then, Martha nudges Lil Justice to go toward the forest, where they find an elf named James who is trapped under some rocks in a ravine. They free James and the Pony Express magically shows up in an instant to deliver James a letter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. remembers that there are some demi-gods among the mortals that can warp reality in minor ways. it is implied that the Pony Express is probably one such demi-god. Steven rewards them with a Horn of Blasting, which he gives to El Froggo Loco. It behaves in a remarkably similar fashion to a gun and its command phrase is “Make my day!” With their quest complete, the Assblasters return through the door they came through and they rejoin with Aati and Vezharax, who have been fighting noose skeletons in the crystal caverns for the last few hours. They follow a trail of golden bloo and skeletal parts until they find a chamber with a open ceiling. There, they see a pile of bones and armor, which Aati recognizes as Illum’s armor. Illum’s severed leg still seems to be in one of the greaves. Aati sees Illum’s hand with his teleportation ring. He grabs Illum’s hand and tries to pull it free, only to realize that the arm isn’t attached to a body. Aati is confused, because he still feels a life force coming from his half of the Sentinel heart pendant. That is when Old Dirty Bastard and the Ghost-Faced Killer. ODB holds up Illum’s half of the pendant and he says that he killed Illum.

S2 Episode 99 – New Year, New Cease and Desist

Posted on January 23, 2020

Upon hearing that Illum was dead, Aati flies into a rage and his shadow powers go berserk. His shadow energy begins caving in the crystal caverns. Old Dirty Bastard and the Ghost-Faced Killer attempt to use a crystal mechanism to seal away Aati’s shadow powers, but he partially destroys some of the crystals or blocks the light from being channeled through them. With their plan foiled, the two villains create a portal to leave, but Vaerog counterspells it. Ghost-Face responds by throwing a potion which curses Vaerog to occasionally turn into small marketable creatures. Vaerog then transforms into a small green creature known as a Baybiota. The Assblasters fix or unblock all of the mirrors of the crystal mechanism to temporarily seal away Aati’s shadow powers. Aati apologizes for causing them so much trouble until he notices that Vezharax smiles every time he mentions Illum being dead. Aati storms off and Vezharax says that he has something important to do in the city of Khelukkhaz that night. In the morning, Vezharax returns and reveals that he had tried to cheer up Aati by going asking around the city for the location of Aati’s other former companion, Carl the Gruel Man. In his search, he found out that Carl the Gruel Man was in the monster city of Gashak. So the group heads to Gashak to finally be reunited with Carl. They arrive at the edge of the city and see that there are two ogres guarding the gates.

S2 Episode 100 – You Will Be Amazed How Little All of This Mattered

Posted on February 19, 2020

The Assblasters prepare to enter the monster city by disguising themselves as monsters. Bradperson pretends to be a Kenku, Lil Justice pretends to be a  go to a store called Mummy Mercantile, run by a mummy. They buy a mask that causes people to forget who they are when they wear it. Bradperson buys an eyepiece called the “Eyes of the Eagle” which improves his vision when he wears it.

Avi gets a shard of obsidian that is always warm to the touch, mechanical canary inside a gnomish lamp, a glass orb filled with water inside which swims a clockwork goldfish, and an indecipherable treasure map, half of a floor plan for a castle, temple, or some other structure, and an invitation to a party where a murder happened, a piece of cloth that unfolds into a luchador mask, and the deed for a parcel of land unknown to them, and a gold monocle. As they were leaving, it was revealed that the mummy proprietor had a terrible memory, which called into question the value his description of all the things he had just sold them. As they’re helping Cwegg, they see Nevlan having an epic battle on top of a moving carriage pulled by a gorgon (a steel bull with poison breath).  El Froggo Loco, while still invisible, power-slammed Cwegg through a table. Lil Justice puts 5 gold into Cwegg’s pocket. The group then used Cwegg’s key to get into the arena. They approached the fighter who they thought was Carl only to discover that it was actually a different orc who went by the name “Garl the Cruel Man”. They were disappointed that their lead had led them to a dead-end until Garl offhandedly mentioned a one-armed Aasimar he had recently met named Illum. He told them that Illum was heading north toward the ancient ruins of Fardahl. L.A.Z.H.O.R. rolls a natural 20 persuasion check to successfully convince Garl to join them as they head to Fardahl. The only way to get to Fardahl is through the ancient colosseum in the valley surrounded by lava. As they approach, the group sees that the white devil, Old Dirty Bastard, is waiting for them. Vezharax wonders how Malexxis has managed to stay one step ahead of them this whole time. Aati thinks that he should reach out to his good friend, Lane, to warn him. He takes out the crystal ball that Lane had enchanted for him back in season 1. Vezharax says that Lane is very obviously betraying them and he throws the crystal ball in the lava. The group then goes inside and confronts Old Dirty Bastard. Old Dirty Bastard was joined by two small flying devils named Method and Red. Red had fire powers and Method had ice powers. The Assblasters successfully defeated the little devils and seemed to mortally wound Old Dirty Bastard, but the devil responded by shedding his skin and transforming into an enormous forty foot tall spider. The spider jumped up and down, stabbing its legs into the ground and causing lava to flow up through the holes it created. Then, it grabbed Aati in its mandibles. He attempted to escape, but not before it could bite off his right arm. Finally, Lil Justice hurled a javelin with all of his might as Vezharax and Aati both called upon their gods to bless it. The holy javelin flew straight through the spider, splitting it in half. As the head of the spider sunk into the lava, it called out for the Ghost-Faced Killer to save it, but he appeared only to tell it that Malexxis despises devils and that Old Dirty Bastard had outlived his usefulness. The Ghost-Faced Killer then disappeared through a portal. As Old Dirty Bastard finally completely melted in the lava, all of the powers that he had stolen were released into the air and went into the nearest hosts: the Assblasters. As the power flowed through them, the Assblasters all leveled up from the level 10 to level 11, but the power kept flowing and they gained another level. The whole party had finally attained level 12. As the dust cleared from the battle, the Assblasters heard a noise toward the edge of the colosseum. They looked up and finally saw the man they had been looking for all this time. With a bright light shining behind them, the wingless Aasimar appeared before them with one arm and a peg leg. Illum had finally been found.