S2 Episode 51 – Episode 50: Part 2
Posted on March 16, 2018
Having discovered that a bard is hiding in the orchestra and secretly healing the guards, L.A.Z.H.O.R. shoots the bard with his eldritch blast, knocking the bard out instantly. The fight continues as a cleric hidden in the audience puts out the fires on the sides of the stage. Drandir uses vicious mockery to make Lil Justice lose his concentration. The spell turns Drandir’s words into the same mysterious voice that Lil Justice had heard in Hell. The voice mocks him about a woman dying in his arms and says that he wasn’t strong enough. Lil Justice becomes so enraged that he mistakenly kills the new guard captain, Captain Sassafras. The group successfully defeats the other guards as teleports into the balconies. L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies up and spots Drandir’s hiding spot, but Drandir blasts L.A.Z.H.O.R. out of the sky with a firebolt, knocking him unconscious. Drandir then leaps out of the balcony to attack the others, but a member of the audience pushes away the chair where Drandir was going to land, causing Drandir to be knocked unconscious. The cleric in the audience revives Drandir, who blasts the group with a Cone of Cold spell, before Vaerog knocks him out once more as Frog knocks out the cleric. The invisible Bellis is heard running out the door and the audience begins fleeing as well.
S2 Episode 52 – Loss
Posted on March 21, 2018
With the fight won, Vaerog steals Drandir’s staff and the group runs out the exit behind the stage. Lil Justice takes a potion from the unconscious guard and uses it to revive L.A.Z.H.O.R. The group sneaks to the city walls and uses an elaborate human chain to get themselves over the walls. A guard spots them, but Vaerog makes an illusion of a fire in the distance to distract him. They all jump down from the wall and Lil Justice is knocked out by the fall. The wounded Assblasters drag him back to Biclops’ hut where they are ambushed by more guards. The guard with the burnt face who had escaped the theatre fight reveals that he has been named the new guard captain, because Lil Justice had killed the previous guard captain. He says that he accepted Bellis’ offer to let the guards come outside the walls to catch the Assblasters, but Biclops, Crate, and Sapodia had run away as the guards approached. The man with the burnt face holds up Then, the new guard captain holds a knife to Winston’s throat and the group surrenders. Forg’s frog buddies are taken separately as Bellis Diamondback reveals himself and says that commands the guards to take the little frogs back to his room so that he can eat them alive, which he says is something that the birdfolk do as a delicacy. As they are taken to the prison, one of the guards tells them that Thraciel’s Wings are on their side and he shows them a rune that is tattooed onto his arm. In the morning, they are led to a freshly built gallows where they see that the man who promised to free them has already been decapitated. Drandir waits at the gallows, promising to kill Biclops the cyclops if he enters the city to rescue them. Just as they are about to be executed, smoke and an explosion are heard coming from another part of the city. Suddenly, multiple frogfolk leap onto the guards and a fight breaks out. In the midst of the fight, Vaerog casts an illusion on the new guard captain’s arm. The guard captain with the burnt face gets into a fight with one of his own men, who accuses him of being a traitor. Then, Biclops shows up wearing a makeshift suit of armor crafted out of farming equipment. Drandir attempts to fight Biclops, but Sapodia shows up and heals the cyclops, who grabs mattresses from the Grinning Kobold Inn and hurls them at Drandir, knocking him unconscious. Terrill, Nystra, and Destro all arrive to assist with the rescue effort as a yellow-skinned frog person leads the group to safety. She tells them that “Emperor Gorp” has agreed not to kill any of the elves, but his promise can’t be kept if any harm comes to him. The obese frog man then walks out and welcomes them to his city. He tells them that he has honored his end of the bargain and they are free to go. Gorp tells them that their equipment and frog buddies are waiting for them in the golden chariot. Avi rolls canon dice to determine that the frogfolk refer to regular frogs as “pond scum.” Some of the other frogfolk then drag over Bellis Diamondback, asking what they should do with him, since they had only promised not to kill the elves. Gorp takes Bellis’ snake rattle belt and wears it as a necklace, then says to give Bellis a “fishing challenge.” Bellis begs the Assblasters to help him, but they refuse as he is carried off to his demise. The group then gets into their chariot and reunites with Crate and Forg’s little frog buddies. Sapodia reveals that she had intended to leave when she heard that they had been captured, but Crate put together a rescue plan and made a deal with the frogfolk before staying up all night smithing armor for Biclops. She passed out after all the effort and is fast asleep in the chariot. The group heads off to Brinjal to finally collect their rewards.
S2 Episode 53 – Hello There, Loser!
Posted on March 28, 2018
The group’s chariot heads past the Wallflower Campgrounds, where they see Smolfok, the man who L.A.Z.H.O.R. repeatedly harassed when they last visited. Smolfok runs away at the sight of him. The group proceeds up the mountain. As they pass the spot where they originally met Crate, she reveals that she had lied to them and that she hadn’t been going to Jose’Cuervos’lin. She was just looking for a strong group of adventurers and wanted to go where they were going so she could make strong armor out of whatever they killed. The group then arrives at Brinjal and takes the lift up to see Lord Durian. They are led once more to the Tailfeather Tavern, where they meet another adventurer named Mike. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to recruit the new adventurer, but accidentally knocks him unconscious instead. The bartender, a pigeon Aarakocra named Sorrel, coyly implies that there is an assassination attempt planned for the following day and he tells them to either join him or to to be out of the city when it happens. The group goes to see Lord Durian. Sapodia requests that she be allowed to return from exile and he agrees to that. Having finally gotten what she was after, she says farewell to the group and leaves. Vaerog then requests a magic item as his boon and receives a Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals. L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks to have the wards that are blocking his memories removed. The court sorcerer, a kookaburra Aarakocra, leaves to get some scrolls and enchantments so that he can perform the necessary ritual to remove the wards. Meanwhile, Lil Justice asks the sorcerer to examine his grandfather’s heirloom axe, Mosnat Gash, and see if there is anything special about it, like he suspects that there is. The sorcerer says that there is something about it that is actually blocking magic from affecting it and it seems to be affected by ancient natural magicks. He recommends speaking to a druid to learn more about the axe. Since they couldn’t power up his axe, Lil Justice is offered an alternative boon and he receives a golden afro pick, called the Pick of Fate, which increases his strength. The sorcerer returns and casts a ritual to remove L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s mental wards. As his memories return, his arm cannon transforms into its projector form and plays the same video that it played in the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s laboratory. The projection gets to the part where L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempted to rebel against Khalifa and Khalifa lit him on fire, but the projection continues instead of stopping the way that it previously did. This time, they see that the fire engulfed L.A.Z.H.O.R. and was suddenly sucked into his arm cannon. The arm cannon transformed into a golden configuration and fired a black beam which blew a hole in Khalifa’s chest and sucked him inside of it. Afterward, L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes to the portal that Khalifa had asked him to enter. L.A.Z.H.O.R. was convinced that he knew how to change the coordinates to take him home. He then stepped through the portal and it warped him to Brinjal, where he saw the king’s parrot Aarakocra servant. The parrot man asked him if he was there to accept a quest from the king and he said, “Yeah, sure. Whatever.” Immediately after that, Forg walked up and introduced himself for the first time. This is apparently how and why L.A.Z.H.O.R. got to Brinjal in the first episode. Once the projection has ended, it is Forg’s turn to pick his boon. Forg requests an airship and the king agrees. The court sorcerer leads them outside to a ship that is covered with fins and sails. From the ship’s deck, they see a parrot aarakocra who leans over the side and calls out, “Yar, this be me new crew?”
S2 Episode 54 – New Raven, Who Dis?
Posted on April 3, 2018
Joe the DM confirms for Niccolo that the new staff that Vaerog had stolen from Drandir will give him +1 attack & damage and Vaerog is also awarded a point of Inspiration for having put the Loss rune on the guard captain’s arm in Oakfen. L.A.Z.H.O.R. discovers that he can access is arm cannon’s new projection ability at will. Andy is given a choice between a +2 to attack or +2 to damage. Andy chooses the attack bonus and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is awarded a new scope for his arm cannon. The group meets the pirate Aarakocra, Captain Cherimoya Huggins and his pixie, Squawky. Cap’n Huggie shows them around the ship and drinks a toast with them, but promises them that he will hold them accountable if any harm comes to his ship. Then, he feels bad for threatening them and he hugs it out with them. The group then leaves Cap’n Huggie and Squawky behind with the airship, promising to see him again when the ship’s repairs are complete. They request to head back to the Tailfeather Tavern to meet up with the pigeon Aarakocra bartender. The pigeon man tells them that his name is Sorrel and he is part of a group known as the Vultures. The Vultures are planning to stage a coup against King Durian. The Assblasters decide to join the coup as revenge for King Durian allegedly having sent the assassins (Peace & Quiet) to assassinate them in the Capital City. They are allowed to stay in an upper room of the tavern overnight. Before going to sleep, Lil Justice sends out his silver raven, Simon, to Jose’Cuervos’lin to find out how they have been doing since the Assblasters left. While the others go to sleep, Vaerog tests out his new water elemental. He decides that the password to activate his Bowl of Conjuring Water Elementals is “the water is life.” In the morning, the group wakes to find the tavern full of revolutionaries. It becomes apparent that the revolutionaries are primarily exiles and criminals who have had their wings clipped. They see that the three Aarakocra who had mugged them in the first episode of season 2 are part of the group. Then, they meet the leader, a vulture Aarakocra named Cress, who briefly explains the plan and they head toward the king’s castle together.
S2 Episode 55 – Flying Like a Rat… Just Like Rats Do…
Posted on April 11, 2018
A ladder is lowered for the revolutionaries to enter the castle. As they enter, they are greeted by Sillybeak, the court jester, who is apparently assisting the revolutionaries. The Assblasters are told that they need to go through an old servant’s quarters to get to the king’s courtroom, where they will meet back up with Cress and a seagull Aarakocra named Salak. Cress says that the chambers should be empty, because the previous servant who occupied them had recently died of natural causes. When they enter the servant’s chamber, they are surprised to encounter Sapodia. She reveals that she had attempted to go home, but her parents wouldn’t take her back, so she had returned to King Durian and asked for employment in his castle. When she discovers that the Assblasters have gotten mixed up with the Vultures, she begs them to stop. Sapodia claims that Cress isn’t a bad person, but that he is willing to work with evil people to accomplish his goals, and she doesn’t think that makes him much better than Durian. The Assblasters don’t heed her warning and they proceed to the king’s court. As they head through the halls, they see that King Durian has already had a marble statue of L.A.Z.H.O.R. magically constructed. They enter the king’s court and a fight ensues as King Durian attempts to fly out of a hatch in the castle’s glass ceiling. Vaerog uses illusion magic to hide the hatch and trap him in the room. As the fight progresses, Durian manages to escape and Cress flies out after him. The court sorcerer, Bartlett, comes in and calls them traitors as he turns invisible and begins hurling firebolts at Vaerog. The seagull man, Salak, attempts to chase after the king as well, but Sapodia sees him and goes into a rage. Salak bears the scars from when he formerly worked for the king and took away Sapodia’s sister. She says that Salak had disappeared and this caused the people of Brinjal to spread rumors that she killed him. In her rage, she begins burning him with Sacred Flame, saying that she wouldn’t want the people of Brinjal to be liars. The Assblasters defeat all of the guards, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. is knocked unconscious in the process and fails one of his three death saving throws. Things begin to look dire as the invisible court sorcerer readies a full assault and it becomes unclear if L.A.Z.H.O.R. will survive.
S2 Episode 56 – The Cromsby Show
Posted on May 9, 2018
The group makes a canon roll to decide that Bartlett’s last name is “Cromsby” as part of a running joke. The newly named “Bartlett Cromsby” sees that L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s life is in danger and recognizes that the king is also in danger of being killed by Cress. Sapodia stands weeping over the body of the seagull man, Salak, who she has just burned to death. In that moment, she realizes that L.A.Z.H.O.R. is fatally wounded. She begins moving to heal him, but the invisible Bartlett Cromsby convinces her that they aren’t on her side. He points out that she has killed one of the Vultures and Cress will punish her if he succeeds in usurping the king. Cromsby also promises to return her ability to fly, telling her that they can reverse the wing clipping curse that she received when she was exiled. She is finally convinced when she realizes that Cromsby has bothered to learn her name (something which L.A.Z.H.O.R. never bothered to do). With no other options, the group agrees to throw down their weapons and leave peacefully in exchange for potions to heal L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the promise that Durian won’t seek retribution on them as long as they never return. On their way out, Vaerog steals a spell scroll that teaches him “Shield” as they are given two health potions, using one of them to revive L.A.Z.H.O.R. The group gets in the cage that they keep on a pulley system, which allows them to descend the cliff face. After getting to the bottom, Cromsby and Sapodia collapse the pulley systems, breaking down every entrance that a non-flying person could use to easily get into the city. They reunite with Crate, Martha, and Winston at the stables. L.A.Z.H.O.R. remarks that the birdfolk had made a statue of him. At the moment that he says that, they throw the head off the statue off from the cliff above and it crashes through the roof of the stable. They decide to strap the five foot tall statue head to the top of their gilded chariot and they leave the mountains as Vaerog uses his magic to blast fireworks that say “Mission Accomplished!” Amidst their celebratory fireworks, the sounds of fire and screaming are heard as Durian’s guards fight to the death with the revolutionaries. Sorrel, the pigeon man, is thrown off the side of the cliff and lands on the stable. He calls out to the Assblasters before choking on his own blood. They continue to ride off into the sunset blasting fireworks. They decide to go toward Elmoor to investigate the arena explosion that had been mentioned the first time they were in Brinjal. They stop in the night to rest and Vaerog uses the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell to give them shelter. As they appear in Leomund’s hut, Leomund quickly becomes upset that Vaerog has once more transported into his home. Leomund claims that his wife is threatening to leave him and that he was making a romantic dinner for her to rekindle their romance. The Assblasters ignore his please and set up shop for the night as he goes outside and has an argument with his wife, then comes back in and cries himself to sleep. In the morning, the spell fades away and they are returned to the road back to Elmoor. Forg’s little frog buddy, Fitty Copper, proclaims once more that he has found “mana from the heavens” and spits out Leomund’s wedding ring. Forg holds onto the ring in the hopes of giving it back at some point. They continue toward Elmoor until they see a white wolf in the road. A druid named Dehalam calls to the wolf and refers to her as “Inaba.” The wolf moves toward him and is followed by a white wolf pup that he calls “Telfor.” They ask the druid which way they should go to get to Elmoor and he tells them to follow the wind. A light wind begins pushing the group in the right direction. On the way, Lil Justice uses his survival skills to help them avoid some spiderbears and they pass by an abandoned hut that belonged to a man named Raina P. Laudenslager. As they pass by the cabin, they see a raven that is blasted out of the sky by a white flame. Forg uses his tongue to pull a message off of the raven’s leg before to and see that it is a haiku requesting elderberries from “grandma’s house.” Then, a dwarf paladin and a human cleric who come over to investigate. They claim to be working for the Dwarven King, King Goldenbeard, and they demand to see the message and the Assblasters comply. The Dwarf and the human argue loudly that the message is clearly a secret code asking for weapons. The king’s men tell the Assblasters that they won’t be allowed into Elmoor, because the city is blockaded due to an Elven insurrection. Crate pulls them aside and says that she can get them in, but that they won’t be able to bring their gilded chariot. They leave the chariot covered in a woodshed at Raina P. Laudenslager’s cabin. Crate then removes a loose metal bar from underneath Elmoor’s water mill and swims them all in under the wall. She then takes them to a tavern called the Queen’s Sword, where she introduces them to her brother, Barrel.
S2 Episode 57 – We Do More Fighting Than Singing
Posted on May 15, 2018
The group speaks to Crate’s brother, Barrel and he tells them about the arena explosion and says that the player characters from season 1, Aati & Illum, are the prime suspects. Barrel takes them back to his room at the temple of Moradin. L.A.Z.H.O.R. breaks down his door, because the group has still somehow neglected to teach him how to open doors. Barrel tells them that they should speak to an elf named E.L. Fudge if they want more information on the temple’s investigation into the explosion. Crate and Barrel go to sleep for the night while the group heads toward E.L. Fudge’s office. On the way, they pass by the office of Brother Vashenn, who is being loudly scolded by a military official for having sent off the city’s militia to Cacot because he had lost a drinking contest to Aati. The commander threatens to excommunicate Vashenn if he has a single drop of alcohol going forward. The commander then storms out of the room and the Assblasters attempt to talk to Vashenn, who stares intently at the barrel of ale on Forg’s back. When Forg offers him some, he claims to have taken a “vow of sobriety.” They ask him for directions and he points them to E.L. Fudge’s office. L.A.Z.H.O.R. naturally bursts through E.L. Fudge’s door and the group proceeds to ask him for information on the investigation while L.A.Z.H.O.R. repeatedly unintentionally threatens E.L. Fudge. The cleric tells the Assblasters that Aati & Illum had been taken prisoner and were being held for trial regarding the explosion, but they were broken out of prison by members of the Elven insurrection. Lil Justice asks about his cousin, Carl the Gruel Man. E.L. Fudge says that there was a half-orc with them who made them gruel every day while they were in prison. He was left behind in the escape attempt. The dwarves questioned him, but he didn’t know anything about anything other than gruel, so they let him go. They are instructed to speak to Ganister Ironspine, the Dwarven commander who they had seen threatening Vashenn earlier. When they go to Ironspine’s chambers, he thinks that they are bards and asks them to leave. When they ask about the investigation, he says that he doesn’t have time for that amidst fighting off the insurrection. He lets them browse through the files that they have regarding the investigation. The files note all of the places that Aati & Illum had visited. The group decides to split up and head to the individual locations.
S2 Episode 58 – *Bass Riff from Seinfeld*
Posted on May 23, 2018
Having split up, L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Vaerog head to Elmoor’s library to see which books Aati had checked out. The gnome librarian, Scruffy, says that he isn’t supposed to share his notes without an order from Ganister Ironspine himself. Andy rolls persuasion as L.A.Z.H.O.R. assures Scruffy that they should help each other out because they are both “good guys”. Scruffy misreads the situation as he puts down his book, which is titled “The Good Guy’s Guide to Picking Up Woman.” Because he believes that L.A.Z.H.O.R. is a fellow pickup artist, he offers to let L.A.Z.H.O.R. have the information. Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. head to the second floor, where it says that Aati had been looking. They see that he checked out a book called “Demi-gods and Powerful Beings from Other Dimensions: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” After some searching, they find a book on cults that Aati had reviewed and they find volume 2 of the Demi-gods book. L.A.Z.H.O.R. makes a history check and they determine that both books were written by a gnomish man named Danteiiaetoo. It seems like he may have run out of gods to write about in volume 1 and possibly made up some gods for volume 2. They believe the book may have been a quick cash-grab after the success of the first volume. They review the cult compendium and see that multiple cults share markings that they had previously seen in Hell which were associated with the devil lord, D’Jay’Kaled. Before leaving, Vaerog searches the arcane section and finds a spell scroll of the “Compulsion” spell and takes the time to copy it down in his spellbook. Meanwhile, Lil Justice goes with the dogs, Winston and Martha, to investigate the destroyed arena. He uses his Speak to Animals ability to ask Winston to tell him if he smells gruel. Lil Justice says that he is worried that Carl could be in serious danger if he attempted to return to Lil Justice’s tribe, but Winston is too busy sniffing his own butt to ask Lil Justice to elaborate. They arrive at the arena and find that the people have superstitiously avoided it. They have refused to even clean up most of the bodies, which still lay decaying a month and a half after the event. Walls of the arena have pulsing black ooze scattered about. They split up until Martha begins screaming for help. Lil Justice rushes to help and finds her being attacked by a zombie that is being held together by the black ooze. He rescues her and destroys the zombie, but its destruction causes it to explode black ooze all over him. He shakes off the explosion and heads to the Big Green Apple tavern to meet up with the others. On the way, Winston smells gruel and runs off. Lil Justice follows after and briefly loses Winston before hearing a family of elves screaming. He finds Winston in a pot of gruel that an Elven family was about to eat for dinner. Lil Justice awkwardly apologizes and takes Winston (along with a bowl of gruel). Meanwhile, Forg heads to the Big Green Apple tavern, where he meets a man named Fanetan. After some discussion, he notices that the man has the rune symbol of Thraciel’s Wings tattooed on his arm. Forg tells him that he knows about the symbol thanks to the guard in Oakfen who had tried to rescue them. Fanetan agrees to take him somewhere safe to discuss. While Forg and Fanetan were discussing, L.A.Z.H.O.R., Vaerog, and Lil Justice have all arrived outside the bar. L.A.Z.H.O.R. somehow convinces the others that it’s a good idea to hide in the bushes as L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts on a mask. When Forg and Fanetan gets outside, he stops to ask Forg to reassure him that he’s a good guy. At that moment, L.A.Z.H.O.R. jumps out of the bushes, wearing his mask (just as Aati had done in episode 24 of season 1), screaming, “We’re not good guys! We’re Assblasters!” Fanetan thinks that he is being attacked, so he jumps back and draws his wand.
S2 Episode 59 – We’ll Bring Anyone to Justice for Any Reason
Posted on June 6, 2018
Fanetan prepares to attack as another elf, Galrana, readies her daggers on the roof of the tavern and a third elf runs in to use the Tiny Hut spell over herself and Vaerog. She tells Vaerog that he is safe, but is confused when he tells her that he is willingly traveling with these people. She had assumed that he must be a servant or a slave. Meanwhile, Vaerog is confused how she can cast the Tiny Hut spell without it transporting them both to Leomund’s tiny hut. The elven woman doesn’t seem to know who Leomund is. Forg and Lil Justice manage to convince the elves that they aren’t enemies and Fanetan agrees to take them all to the hideout of Thraciel’s Wings. Fanetan goes behind the tree and holds his tattoo up to an identical sign in the tree, causing a secret passage to open up. When inside, the group asks Fanetan what he knows about the explosion. He claims that Thraciel’s Wings had nothing to do with the explosion, but admits to breaking ou Aati & Illum. During the discussion, L.A.Z.H.O.R. accidentally upsets Fanetan by referring to the Elve’s homes as “tree houses.” Fanetan says that the term is offensive in Elven culture and that the preferred term is “arboreal homes.” As a fellow elf, he asks Vaerog to instruct his friends on Elven manners. Vaerog says that it is rude to leave a book on the floor, rude to sip your drink instead of finishing in one gulp, and that Elves prefer to speak only when they have something worth saying. Fanetan seems uncertain if he can trust the Assblasters, but him and Galrana are reassured when they recognize Lil Justice as a local folk hero. Galrana tells them that Aati & Illum said they were headed to Waleah and she asks them to tell Aati to stay safe. Before they leave, Vaerog asks to speak privately with Fanetan. The elf woman casts the Tiny Hut spell around them so that their privacy is ensured. While inside the magical dome of force, Vaerog asks if Fanetan has heard of Glandenforn. Fanetan says that he isn’t a fan of Glandenfornians, because they refused to help during the war between the elves and the dwarves. Vaerog admits to being from Glandenforn and asks if Fanetan knows anything about the Book of Glandenforn. Fanetan is so insulted that a Glandenfornian is asking him for help, that he immediately ends the conversation. The Assblasters head back to the temple to get Crate, but when they arrive, they are confronted by a group of armed Dwarves, led by Ganister Ironspine and E.L. Fudge. Commander Ironspine seems ready to arrest them for threatening E.L. Fudge and destroying church property, but, before he can, another group of Dwarves and a half-orc arrive. The leader of the second group introduces himself as Pabarel Darkstone and he says that he recognizes the Assblasters, having heard of their deeds from his uncle, the King Regent of the Elven Capital City. Ironspine is furious that Pabarel has been receiving letters from outside the city, but Pabarel brushes him off and invites the Assblasters back to his chateau. When they arrive, he offers them a golden chariot (or comparable money reward) if they bring him back Aati & Illum’s heads. Lil Justice becomes uncomfortable with the offer and convinces him to give them a reward if they can bring Aati & Illum back for a fair trial. Pabarel indicates that the trial will be less than fair, but accepts the proposal. Lil Justice also asks if Pabarel knows anything about his cousin, Carl the Gruel Man. Pabarel defers to his half-orc bodyguard, Boo. Boo says that he was formerly a champion in the arena before it was destroyed (he is the same half-orc who Illum saw fight in episode 22 of season 1). Boo believes that Aati & Illum put him out of work by destroying the arena and that is how he ended up as a bodyguard. Boo recalls Aati & Illum being with a half-orc, but he doesn’t have any new information. Pabarel then treats them all to a feast as they celebrate their new mission to bring Aati & Illum to justice.
S2 Episode 60 – 🅱️uality 🅱️ontent
Posted on June 13, 2018
The group eats dinner until Pabarel becomes upset that his food is slightly overcooked and he proceeds to go into the kitchen to yell at his cooking staff loudly. Meanwhile, his bodyguard, the half-orc named Boo, takes the Assblasters up to their rooms. They look at the paintings on the wall, seeing one of Pabarel, one of his female cousin, Vanesha Darkstone, one of his uncle, Praxis Darkstone the King Regent, and the founder of their modern house, Babbara Darkstone. L.A.Z.H.O.R. recalls that Babbara Darkstone was a known slaver who is now known as an “entrepreneur.” Babbara was the one who had the sacred texts “retranslated” to include the Darkstones as direct descendants of Moradin. Because it was mentioned that Aati & Illum’s opponent was from Forg’s homeland, the Western Continent, Lil Justice asks Forg if he knows of anyone from there who has the power to destroy an arena like he did. Forg says that a group called the Bandirian Empire might have the strength to do something like that. L.A.Z.H.O.R. rifles through the drawers in his room and finds sleeping robes with the Darkstone family sigil on them. He remarks how nice they are and Vaerog suggests that he slip them in his secret compartment if he likes them so much. Everyone then goes to their rooms, but Vaerog are given notably worse rooms than the others because the Darkstone family doesn’t like Elves or clanless Dwarves. Vaerog does some reading from the Occult Compendium and reads a tale (which Niccolo made up on the spot) which said that, 4000 years ago, there was an underground cult that believed they had the power to shift into other realities and influence events in our reality from there. They wrote down a bunch of the ways they did it and the things they claimed to influence. One notable thing they claimed they influenced was that they defeated a powerful dragon that would have otherwise defeated powerful demon overlords. The cult is called “The Cult of 🅱️ult”. One of the demon overlords was 🅱️ult, who still exists because they killed the ancient dragon. The dragon was named Ashardalon. It’s unlikely this account is strictly true. After reading, Vaerog attempts to go to sleep before he is disturbed by a knock on his door. He opens it to see Crate, their one-armed clanless Dwarven blacksmith, who says that she has been given a closet to sleep in. She asks if she can have any pillows and Vaerog complies. While she is collecting them, she asks Vaerog how he ended up in Hell where the others had met him. Vaerog tells her that he was also a performer who was betrayed by the Marquis of Jose’Cuervos’lin after winning the contest with his illusion magic. She remarks that it’s funny how people end up in the places they least want to be, which causes him to ask if she doesn’t want to travel with the Assblasters. Crate says that she likes traveling with them, but she doesn’t like being in the Darkstone house, because the Darkstones are exactly the kind of Dwarves who made her leave Elmoor in the first place. As Crate heads back to the closet, Vaerog offers to let her sleep in his room. During their conversation, L.A.Z.H.O.R. had woken up and decided to sleep in the closet instead. Crate thanks Vaerog for the offer, but she decides to sleep in the guest room that L.A.Z.H.O.R. had abandoned instead. Vaerog finally goes to sleep before he is awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of a white horse with its bridle caught in the brambles behind the chateau. Vaerog goes outside and sees that the horse is skittish and has signs of abuse. Vaerog frees the horse from the brambles. It struggles against him, but he casts the Friends spell to convince it to go into the stables. Then, he goes to Lil Justice to ask for his help talking to the animal. Lil Justice is awoken from a nightmare where he sees himself repeatedly murdering Captain Sassafras in Oakfen. Sassafras tells him that he is haunted as he wakes up. Vaerog and Lil Justice go out to the stable and talk to the horse. The white bronco introduces himself and says that his name is Jackson. He speaks like a bad parody of Michael Jackson and calls them ignorant. They convince the horse to wait in the forest behind the chateau until the morning. Vaerog and Lil Justice talk briefly. Vaerog compliments his scorpion axe, so Lil Justice gives the scorpion axe to Vaerog, choosing to rely only on his grandfather’s axe, Mosnat Gash. Then, they all go to sleep. Meanwhile, Forg wakes up to hear his little frog buddies chanting. One of the frog buddies has set up a child’s toy block as a pedestal and is preaching that “The tower will rise. The snake man cometh.” Forg stares in horror at his frog buddies as they all turn to greet him.
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