Episode 1 – Drink Your Thirst
Posted on August 13, 2015
In our first ever episode, Frankie the DM introduces Aati (played by Joe) and Illum (played by Andy). Aati is a Tiefling (humanoid with devil ancestry) and Illum is an Aasimar (humanoid with angelic or “celestial” ancestry), though he has no wings as Aasimars usually do. Both of them are paladins in the service of the Dwarven god Moradin and they have come to the town of Tarnstead to join an order known as the Hammers of Moradin. Today is the day of their initiation into the order. The head brother at the monastery, Marius, leads them to their sparring partners: Lane the human and Tristan the dwarf. Aati fights Lane and Illum fights Tristan. After a series of terrible rolls, Aati is knocked unconscious by Lane, but Illum revives him and they manage to defeat their respective opponents. When they get to their bunks, they each find notes inviting them to join an elite group called the “Sentinels” and telling them to come to the garden the next day. In the morning, they discuss their letters as they eat their morning gruel. Illum puts his leftover gruel in his pocket, accidentally getting gruel all over his note, and they go to the garden together, where they see Marius. Marius sends them to the local village of Tarnstead, where they meet the armorer, Kristoff, who gives them their armor and warhammers. Kristoff tells him he’ll give them additional weapons if they agree to forgive his debt to the temple. They do so. Aati chooses to take a small regular hammer and Illum takes a knife and they head back toward their monastery to begin their initiation into the Sentinels.
Episode 2 – Dingus Parade
Posted on August 20, 2015
Joe complains that he finds it unrealistic that Kristoff had armor exactly in their sizes despite the fact that most paladins of Moradin are Dwarves and they are much larger than dwarves. Frankie the DM decides to run with this and inform Joe that his character, Aati, actually does not fit into his armor and it does not cover his groin, leaving his penis only covered by cloth. Because of this, they decide to roll for the size of Aati’s dong. He successfully rolls for 8 inches and Frankie makes him roll percentage dice to determine how erect he is and decides that he will do this at key moments for the rest of the campaign (and he does). On the way back to their temple, it is approaching dusk and Aati & Illum are attacked by some rabid wolves. When Frankie sets up tokens and tiles for a battle, Joe and Andy reveal that they had figurines of themselves 3D-printed and they want to use them as their character pieces. Frankie agrees. As this is Aati & Illum’s first real fight, they miss repeatedly and seem to be falling all over the wolves, but eventually managed to eke out a very messy win.
Episode 3 – I am the Snake Man
Posted on August 27, 2015
Aati & Illum finally return to the monastery and tell Marius that they agreed to forgive Kristoff’s debt in exchange for their side weapons. Marius angrily reveals that Kristoff was 2,000 gold in debt to the temple and that the knife and small hammer don’t nearly cover it, but he quickly forgets about it when they mention encountering wolves on the path, which strikes him as extremely odd. Marius asks them to enter an underground crypt and retrieve two pendants for him, which he says that he will enchant for them and make them official Sentinels. Aati & Illum then explore the crypt, avoiding traps to discover an ancient chest. They open it to discover a magic hammer, which once belonged to the Dwarven hero Turris. It does additional damage to undead (+1d8) and can release an extra accurate attack (+1d6 to hit) once per day. They also discover a shield with an eye and hammer symbol on it that raises the user’s AC perception, and initiative by 1 point each. The two are both eager to be able to protect the other one, so they argue over who gets the shield. Andy gets the higher dice roll, so Illum gets to take the shield while Aati takes the hammer. Afterward, they approach an altar that has two amulets on it. Behind the altar is a statue of a Dwarven figure with three faces that is twice their size. They try to take the amulets, but they are blocked by an energy field and immediately attacked by the statue. After a dangerous battle, they manage to crush all three faces, defeating the statue and causing it to crumble to rubble. They take the amulets and begin to leave the dungeon, but not before it starts collapsing around them.
Episode 4 – Damn You, Mercedes!
Posted on September 2, 2015
The exit to the dungeon is suddenly blocked by falling debris from the ceiling as the dungeon is quickly collapsing around Aati & Illum. Illum is knocked out by falling debris, but quickly revived by Aati, whose erection has now softened enough that it causes Illum to wake up out of sheer concern. The two work together to move the boulder that is now blocking the entrance. They aren’t strong enough on their own, but they both roll the same number on their strength check, which activates the amulets that they just picked up from the altar, causing the amulets to glow in their pockets and giving them the strength to move the boulder. As they get out into the open air, they discover that the temple is under attack by cultists. They see Marius and other disciples of Moradin holding back the door, but the door explodes from a magic blast, blasting back Marius and all of those who were holding it as cultists enter the room, led by a floating tiefling warlock. Aati & Illum attempt to revive Marius only to discover that he is already dead. They look over to see the Tristan, who is unconscious, but still breathing. They attempt to revive him, but are unable to do so. They carry his body to the exit, but the leader of the cultists, Malexxis, shoots a powerful purple fire spell at them, which blasts them out the door. Their amulets seem to protect them from certain death, but they are still knocked out for several hours. Aati & Illum are awoken hours later by Lane who was checking to see if they were alive. They discover that Tristan is missing and the monastery is destroyed. Lane agrees to go looking for Tristan, while Aati & Illum decide to go to Tarnstead to send out ravens to warn the other monasteries of the attack. After their recent wolf attack, they decide to stay off the main road on the way to the village. As they are on their way, they see more cultists along camped out and patrolling the forest. Aati tries to use thaumaturgy cantrip to throw his voice and distract them while Aati & Illum sneak past. Unfortunately, their heavy armor causes them to fail their sneak rolls and one of the cultists notices them, pointing them out to the others, who prepare to attack. It is then revealed to our players that their struggles have allowed Aati & Illum to level up, so they are both now level 2.
Episode 5 – GRAPPLE
Posted on September 11, 2015
Having been discovered, Aati & Illum fight the cultists. Illum manages to kill two in the struggle before the duo is outnumbered. While their plate armor makes them extremely difficult for the cultists to damage with conventional attacks, the cultists are able to bypass the armor by using spell attacks, which are extremely effective against the two paladins. Aati & Illum consider escaping, but they hear more people running in the other direction and they can’t tell if the other sounds are friend or foe, so they keep fighting. Eventually, Aati is knocked out and revived (twice). As the battle gets desperate, our heroes realize that the marching sounds don’t seem to be getting any closer or further away. They theorize that the marching sounds must be an illusion caused by one of the cultists using thaumaturgy. While they can’t be positive that it’s an illusion, they have to take the chance, so they flee. Thinking quickly, Illum uses his Command spell to command one of the cultists to grapple another one. In the confusion, the two paladins barely manage to escape.
Episode 6 – Forget the Rookery, Where are the Hookers?
Posted on September 17, 2015
Aati & Illum make it to the village of Tarnstead only to find two weary guards blocking their path at the edge of the village. They manage to convince the head guard, Dek’lan, that they aren’t affiliated with the cultists and he agrees to let them pass. When they get into the village, they discover that it has also been attacked. Multiple buildings are burnt or destroyed, but others are still standing. They aren’t able to find the rookery, so they head to Kristoff’s smithy, only to find that Kristoff has abandoned it. While they’re there, they discover a trap door to a cellar and a teenage halfling named Tayoris who is hiding in it. Illum doesn’t care to remember his name, so he just starts calling him “Ted”. They convince Ted to come out and escort him to his home, which has been destroyed. In the ruins of Ted’s house, they are attacked by two imps. The imps prove very difficult for them to kill, because they’re already heavily wounded from their battle with the cultists, but they do manage to win. Ted is surprised by their brutality against the imps and he questions the nature of good and evil as he smokes some devilgrass. Aati explains that you can easily categorize creatures as good or evil based on their race (i.e. halfings = good, goblins = bad). Badly in need of a rest and also looking for a way to cheer up Tayoris, they decide to rest at an inn and bring Tayoris with them so they can pay for him to sleep in a warm bed. Unfortunately, neither of them knows the difference between a brothel and an inn, so they ask Tayoris to lead them to the brothel.
Episode 7 – A Place to Rest Their Heads
Posted on September 24, 2015
Aati & Illum arrive at the brothel, known as “The Imp and the Serpent”, which is ironically shaped like a raven. They find the door locked, but Tayoris uses a secret knock and the door unlocks for them. Upon entering the building, the speak to Famarel, the headmistress, and purchase two rooms for the night (one for them and one for Tayoris). While there, they discover that Tayoris is a regular at this brothel. Everyone here seems to know him and they also refer to him as “Ted”. Aati & Illum manage to allow a LOT of innuendo go completely over their heads on the way to their room, still believing that they are at a regular inn. They are accompanied by two female prostitutes who attempt to get into their room with them, but Aati & Illum obliviously wish them good night and close the door in their faces. Aati reveals that his Del’Tassi was an all-male monastery. The two hear a knock on the door and are greeted by two male prostitutes who offer to stay with them, but they say that they aren’t interested and close the door. They take off their armor and meditate as Aati covers his body with ritual oils. Then, there is a second knock at the door. They are greeted by a donkey with a note that says, “This is our most exotic package ❤ Olga.” Believing that they are being offered a noble steed, they let the donkey into their room, planning to purchase it the following morning and naming it “Long Dong Silver.” The paladins get into their bed and begin talking about their pasts. Illum was a hermit traveling in the woods before he met a monk who showed him the ways of Moradin and convinced him to become a paladin. Aati was a vagabond as a child until he was taken in by the brothers of Del’Tassi, who nicknamed him “Brother Horny” (a name which he hated). Eventually, the head brother, Brother Chadwick, encouraged Aati to go to Tarnstead to join the Hammers of Moradin and he did. In the morning, they are greeted by Tayoris as a parade of people walk out of his room, thanking him for a great night. Aati & Illum attempt to purchase Long Dong Silver only to discover that the donkey’s not wasn’t FROM Olga, but that the donkey WAS Olga. Unsatisfied with this name, they decide to rename the donkey Long Dong Silver and the donkey seems vaguely responsive to the name, which they take as a good sign. They are given a bill, only to discover that it is extremely high due to Ted’s many “purchases” from the previous night. Aati thinks that he was paying those people for their friendship and tells him that is no way to make true friends. Aati & Illum promise to be Ted’s true friends and to do everything those people did for Ted, except they’ll do it for free, not having any idea what kind of depraved things they are offering to do for Ted.
Episode 8 – The Frock is Brown
Posted on October 2, 2015
With their new donkey in tow, Aati & Illum head to the rookery to deliver ravens to the other nearby temples of Moradin. As they approach, they see that the rookery is a tall, purple stone tower in the shape of a penis or a naked woman, depending on which way you look at it. When they arrive at the rookery, they discover that it has already been ransacked. There is only one raven left and it is sitting on a windowsill. Illum plays a song on his lyre to entice it closer, fearing that it will fly out the window. After playing his song, the raven speaks and compliments him on his song before transforming into a Drow woman named Bekela. She reveals herself to be the one in charge of the ravens. She had apparently been using her magic to control the ravens and make them send the messages, but she was controlling them with a “focus stone” which was taken by the Sons of the Scourge. She says that she needs Aati & Illum to either retrieve the old one from the cultists or find a new one in order to deliver their message. She suggests that there may be one among the druids in the nearby forest. They remember that the nearest temple of Moradin is to the West, through the forest, in the city of Elmoor. When asked if she could fly herself to send a message in raven form, she reveals that she has a fear of spiders and that giant spiders often snatch birds out of the air above the forests around Tarnstead. Aati admits that he is also arachnophobic and Illum shares that he has a fear of bears. Bekela warns them of the dangerous spiderbears that, of course, occupy the forest and the paladins head into the forest to retrieve a focus stone for her. Before long, they are, of course, attacked by a spiderbear, which sticks their legs to the ground with shots of spiderweb. They call Long Dong Silver over to eat away the spiderweb, but the donkey just starts licking Illum inappropriately. Illum eventually manages to break free from his spiderweb, but is too frightened to approach the spiderbear. Aati casts heroism on him and he weakens the bear, giving Aati the courage to fight alongside him. Together, they manage to defeat the spiderbear and continue their search for the druids and the focus stone.
Episode 9 – Fun Donkey
Posted on October 7, 2015
Aati & Illum meet the ranger, Telfor, and his wolf companion, Inaba. Illum becomes suspicious of Long Dong Silver’s overly amorous behavior and finally pieces together that the donkey’s former occupation at the brothel definitely mixed business with pleasure, but Aati manages to persuade him that Long Dong Silver is just a regular donkey. The paladins camp with Telfor and unsuccessfully attempt to convert him to become a worshiper of Moradin, Then, he teaches Illum a little bit about communing with animals and tells them how he came to travel with Inaba after spiderbears killed the rest of her pack. Finally, he leads them to a clearing where they see the elven druid, Dehalam. They speak to Dehalam, who tells them that they can find a focus stone in a nearby cave “where life ebbs and flows”. Dehalam casts a spell that causes the wind to push them in the right direction and Telfor offers to go with them as they follow the wind toward their destination.
Episode 10 – Made Up Poopy Language for Baby Children
Posted on October 15, 2015
Aati & Illum are on their way to their destination when the wolf, Inaba, runs ahead and Telfor follows after her, separating from the two paladins. Aati & Illum later find the cave to discover that it is emanating a toxic blue mist. They enter and begin exploring, seeing painted symbols on the wall. Aati recognizes the symbols and realizes that they are in a druid crypt. After taking some damage from the toxic blue mist, they make themselves makeshift masks from torn cloth and put them over their mouths. Then, they discover a skeleton that has been raised from the dead by some kind of necromancy which seems to be filled with the power of the blue mist. After rolling a critical miss, Aati gets his hammer stuck in the skeleton’s rib cage and it bites him. With Illum’s help, he manages to use his foot for leverage and tear the skeleton in half, defeating it. Aati continues attacking the corpse out of anger until Illum stops him. Then, they throw a shroud over its body and Aati says a prayer, revealing that the only prayer he was ever taught at Del’Tassi was “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, Moradin!” They continue down a staircase and fight through another skeleton and a ghost. The ghost causes roots to come out of the ground and hold Aati’s feet to the floor before it is defeated. Aati then feels Long Dong Silver nibbling at the roots and they realize he has been following them this whole time. The two paladins make him his own mask to protect him from the toxins, but he keeps gagging himself with it and they are pretty creeped out. As they approach the next staircase, they are greeted by Inaba the wolf, who is alone and seems to have been separated from Telfor.
See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s1-episode-summaries/s1-ep-21-30/