S2 Episode 31 – The Essence of Comedy is SPEED!
Posted on September 20, 2017
The Assblasters look out from atop the wall and see legions of devils training beneath them among spiked devil barracks and buildings. Then, one of the structures that they previously thought was a building gets up and begins to move. For the first time, they see the 100ft tall devil lord, D’Jay’Kaled. He sees his troops doing training exercises and he commands, “Another one!” He then heads back toward his enormous palace in the distance. The group watches the training 700 feet below and is able to determine the ranking of the devils. The ones that can cast magic seem to be higher up in their military rankings. The group then goes into a tunnel in a nearby cliff face that connects to the wall and they begin to descend the sloped cavern to get to the bottom. Midway through the tunnel, they hear devils speaking in their Infernal language. Thediem is able to interpret that they are talking about D’Jay’Kaled finally getting the last sacrifice and that he will enact his plan in the morning. Since they can tell that the devils are eating at a campfire, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his prestidigitation cantrip to turn their fire green and he attempts to imitate D’Jay’Kaled to scare them away. He fails to convince them and they grab their weapons and shields. The devils turn the corner to see the Assblasters as they form a shield wall with large metal shields that cover their entire bodies, except for a hole that they can stab the spear through. After rolling a natural 20 critical hit, Lil Justice is able to successfully grab one of their spears, pull the devil’s arm through the spear hold and then chop the arm off with his scorpion greataxe, instantly killing the devil. Thediem creates a bat companion and uses it to distract one of the devils while Forg frontflips over them and cuts one in half. His holy blade, Kerith Aure, glows and does double damage to devils, causing the devill to disintegrate upon its death. The final devil is easily dispatched by a laser blast from L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the group heads to the exit of the cave. They find themselves at the bottom of the cave, looking out at a vast desert.
S2 Episode 32 – Hell Is Other Rappers
Posted on September 27, 2017
As the group stands before the deserts of Hell, Forg’s sword speaks to him once more and identifies itself as the trapped spirit of the former Marquis, Gonzago. Gonzago says that he can tell that Forg is a good person and worthy of wielding him. He promises to offer his strength to Forg. As they walk into the desert, they see a large bat perched on a dead tree. Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to talk to the bat, who introduces itself as “Al Dente”. Al Dente informs them that they will need to go to D’Jay’Kaled’s palace of S’xess if they want to retrieve their friend, but the Keys to S’xess would be found in the castle of the Dark Wizard, Khalifa. The castle lies on the other side of the desert and its outer layer is made entirely of bees. The bat warns them of the Nightmare Rider that patrols the desert, but its warning is too late as a devil riding a Nightmare (an infernal horse with flaming hooves and mane). The Nightmare Rider calls them insects and maggots. As he prepares to attack, L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to pre-empt him, but the devil uses his black scimitars to reflect L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s laser beam back at L.A.Z.H.O.R. The Nightmare Rider also reflects Lil Justice’s javelin. It quickly becomes clear that projectiles are no use against the Nightmare Rider. Lil Justice attempts to attack the rider’s steed, but as he wounds it, fire blasts from the wound, hurting Lil Justice. Just as things seem bleakest, they hear footsteps coming from the cave behind them. They turn to see that it is their little corgi companion, Winston. As the Nightmare Rider charges, he transforms into his Direcorgi form, briefly chasing away the Nightmare. Winston tells Lil Justice that he was worried that Lil Justice was in danger. Winston was inspired by Lil Justice previously rushing into danger to rescue him, so he vowed to do the same, because he didn’t want to be a “prick” like his former fairy master. Lil Justice hops on the direcorgi’s back and rides against the Nightmare Rider, wounding his steed. Forg uses his holy blade to split the Nightmare in two, causing it to explode and unhorsing the Nightmare Rider. The Nightmare Rider calls for minions to attack as imps crawl up from cracks in the ground and the imps charge at the Assblasters.
S2 Episode 33 – Hangin’ With Mr. Brexit
Posted on October 3, 2017
Just as they thought that they had weakened the Nightmare Rider, he sends his horde of imp minions at them as well as combining his black scimitars to make one double-bladed weapon and unleashing black flame attacks at them. Forg is quickly overpowered and nearly killed. As the Nightmare Rider prepares to strike a fatal blow to him, his sword speaks to him and asks him to use it to block. He places the sword in front of him and it glows with a white light, blocking the attack, but causing the sword to shatter. Weaponless, Forg retreats and calls to L.A.Z.H.O.R. for his old sword. Lil Justice comes charging in on the direcorgi, Winston, crashing through three imps on his way. He quickly recognizes the danger and hops off of Winston for fear that his steed would be attacked. He attempts to fight the Nightmare Rider, but is also quickly overpowered. L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws Forg his sword, but accidentally throws it way too hard at Forg’s face. Successfully rolling higher than Andy in a strength check, Forg is able to dodge the sword and grab it out of the air. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then blasts three imps as one of the imps jumps on his shoulders and starts stabbing at his neck. Meanwhile, Lil Justice falls to his knees from his wounds sustained by the Nightmare Rider. He calls out for Winston to get him as the Nightmare Rider gathers black flame around his blade and goes for a killing blow. Seeing his companion in danger, Winston jumps in the way, causing the blade severs his front right leg off and cuts into his chest. Seeing the wounded Winston, Forg hears the shard of his shattered blade whispering to him. It begs him to stab it through the Nightmare Rider’s heart. Forg leaps heroically at the devil. As he leaps, he hears Gonzago’s voice coming from the blade. Gonzago begs him to tell the current marquis that he is proud of him and to tell Squander that he forgives him. Forg stabs the blade shard through the Nightmare Rider’s chest. The devil demands to know how he could be defeated by an ‘insect’. Forg twists the blade and replies, “I’m not an insect. I’m a frog.” With the Nightmare Rider defeated, the remaining imps flee. They bandage Winston’s wounds, but recognize that he will die if he doesn’t receive medical treatment soon. Forg picks up the devil’s black scimitar and feels power coursing through his veins. Lil Justice begs him to leave the blade, saying that he has seen a man corrupted by an infernal blade before. Forg feels that Lil Justice is jealous of his blade, but this feeling convinces him that the sword is evil and he drops it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to take it, but Lil Justice convinces him to drop it as well. As he begins to hear the gruff voice in his head once more, Lil Justice grabs throws his scorpion axe on the ground and tries to destroy it, fearing that his magical blade might also be corrupting him. His friends manage to stop him from destroying the scorpion axe and L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts it in his compartment, but Lil Justice chooses to use his mundane greataxe, Mosnat Gash, even though it will put him at a disadvantage. The group then heads off to walk through the desert and get to the castle of the Wizard Khalifa to get the keys to S’xess, while also hoping that there will be potions there that can save Winston’s life before he succumbs to his wounds.
S2 Episode 34 – Columbus Day Assblast
Posted on October 10, 2017
The Assblasters walk through the desert and find themselves standing before the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s castle of bees. They see the bat, Al Dente, perched on top of it and he swoops down to greet them. Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to discover that Khalifa hasn’t been seen in some time, but his guardian, Tupac Shakur, is still inside. The guardian is allegedly undefeatable and they are warned against confronting him. Suddenly, the puzzle box begins to shake and Thediem appears from out of it once more. He looks around and sees that Lil Justice is carrying the dying Winston. They explain to him that Winston was their steed and is capable of growing to the size of a bear, so Thediem decides to use his shadow magic to heal Winston. He is unable to restore Winston’s lost leg, but he does close the wounds and stop the bleeding. The group then hears a large number of devils marching toward them, so they hide inside of Khalifa’s castle. Inside, they find a suit of armor with an inscription that it was for “Sir Suge the Knight.” Then, they find a small work room that contains mana potions. They head down the stairway beyond to find a subterranean coliseum room with pillars in a circular pattern around the edges of the room. On the other side of the room is a door guarded by a 15 ft tall devil with four arms a bull’s head. The devil raises its arms, causing the torches in the room to light and a trap door behind them to close, locking them in the room. They try to talk to him and nearly persuade him not to attack, but then he sees L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm and says that L.A.ZH.O.R. “shouldn’t have left.” He blasts them with 4 fireballs and they try to fight back, but Tupac casts Hellish Rebuke as a counter any time that they hit him. They quickly realize that they are taking more damage than he is and they can’t beat him in a straightforward battle. Forg and Thediem try to attack him head on while Lil Justice and L.A.Z.H.O.R. hide behind pillars. Thediem is quickly forced to retreat behind a pillar as well, leaving Forg desperately dodging attacks as he distracts Tupac. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his scorpion laser ability to plant multiple mines on the devil. After planting three mines, the group does a canon dice roll to make it canon that devils have 3 nipples, with one on their foreheads, so that he can place one mine on each nipple. As L.A.Z.H.O.R. plants his mines, Lil Justice begins tearing down one of the pillars so that he can knock it down on top of their opponent. Forg and Thediem both trick him into attacking different parts of the pillar. L.A.Z.H.O.R. finally detonates his mines, causing massive damage to the devil and bringing him to one knee as Lil Justice goes into a rage, using his herculean strength to topple the pillar and crush Tupac Shakur, claiming victory for the Assblasters. The group grabs the now-conscious Winston and open the door to Khalifa’s laboratory.
S2 Episode 35 – Where the Rules Are Made Up & Alignment Doesn’t Matter
Posted on October 17, 2017
The group moves past the corpse of Tupac Shakur and head into the Dark Wizard Khalifa’s laboratory. They are immediately greeted by a hologram of Tupac, but realize that it isn’t capable of hurting them, so they walk right past it. They examine the laboratory and see that it seems to have been mostly torn apart in some kind of struggle. Winston starts borking at some rubble, so Lil Justice puts him down, but he doesn’t understand that he only has 3 legs, so he just tips over and spins on the ground in circles for a while as Lil Justice examines the rubble. Buried within the rubble, he finds a giant 2 foot-long golden key to the palace of S’xess and gives it to L.A.Z.H.O.R. to hold in his compartment. Upon touching the key, L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon turns into a new configuration. It turns green and starts projecting an image onto the wall in front of L.A.Z.H.O.R. The video projected on the wall shows a view from L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s perspective. L.A.Z.H.O.R. looked at the Dark Wizard Khalifa, a devil man wearing L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s hat, who says that the cyborg has made some kind of deal with this devil and that Khalifa has turned him into a weapon to be used by Malexxis (the warlock from season 1 who led the Sons of the Scourge). When he is unable to remember his own name, Khalifa calls him “lazor,” which he says means “weapon” in the old tongue. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is unsatisfied when he realizes that the letters don’t stand for anything, so he decides he will turn it into an anagram. Then, rather than going through the portal as commanded, L.A.Z.H.O.R. rejects the order and attempts to shoot Khalifa, who says that the “little witch” must have changed his programming. Khalifa then responds by setting L.A.Z.H.O.R. on fire. The image then becomes corrupted and stops playing. L.A.Z.H.O.R. insists that they probably shouldn’t think too much about what they just saw and he decides to drink his mana potion. They continue through a burnt out dead woods toward the Palace of S’xess, encounter Aldente the bat, who uses his sonar help them avoid more devils in the woods. As they get close to the palace, they encounter a bunch of damned souls being used as slaves, pushing minecarts. They see a devil slavemaster beating one of the slaves, who still seems to be alive. They begin arguing over whether they should help the living slave and L.A.Z.H.O.R. ends the argument by shooting the slave master through the chest. When they go to help the living slave to his feet, they recognize him as Grallic, the slave salesman who they had met in the capital city.
S2 Episode 36 – Is This a Rescue Mission Right Now?
Posted on October 25, 2017
The group discuss their friend Biclops. Joe reveals that he had initially planned for Biclops to be a two-eyed cyclops, but decided against it. Andy rolls canon dice to determine that Biclops wears glasses (or a single ‘glass’) and he is called Biclops as an insult in the way that one would could someone with glasses “four eyes.” Grallic, the slave salesman explains that his slaves rebelled and had cast a dark ritual to have him pulled to Hell while he was still alive. The Assblasters allow him to leave with his life once he promises that he won’t go back to selling slaves upon his return. Aldente then leads them to the Palace of S’xess where they use the key to S’xess and are led to the mindcells. In the mindcells, they see Sapodia and 12 other mages strung up from chains and forced to watch their own worst moments. They see a halfling who refuses to go to visit his dying father, believing that there will be plenty of other opportunities once he gets better. Then, they look into the pool of water beneath Sapodia and see her worst moments. Her sister was being taken away by a guard who she assaulted to protect her. Sapodia and her sister were both sentenced to exile by the king and Sapodia’s wings were painfully clipped so she could no longer fly. While living in a camp among the exiles, a starving Sapodia tried to return home without her sister, but her sister swore to kill Sapodia if she left without her. Desperate to return home, Sapodia then used a pillow to smother her sister to death in her sleep. Unable to watch anymore, they begin taking Sapodia down from the chains that suspend her over the pool. Before they can, Winston borks three times and they are attacked by 2Chainz, who promises to finish them off this time.
S2 Episode 37 – Frogs Gone Wild
Posted on October 31, 2017
Because the episode was recorded on Mardi Gras, the group rolls their canon dice to determine that 2Chainz’s chains are actually giant strings of purple, yellow, and green Mardi Gras beads. When he attacks with them, his attacks causes energy to explode the armor off of their chests, lowering their AC. The Assblasters begin a long battle against 2Chainz. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries attacking the red, floating crystal, but his lazhor blast is deflected into the chains of one of the thirteen prisoners. Realizing that 2Chainz is too powerful for them to defeat by themselves, they begin freeing the prisoners, hoping that it will at least stop D’Jay’Kaled’s plan and prevent them from being sacrificed. As Lil Justice seems to be losing, 2Chainz is suddenly hit by a beam of energy from behind and it seems that one of the prisoners, an Elven wizard named Vaerog (played by Niccolo) is helping them. After a hard battle, Lil Justice is nearly knocked unconscious, but sees a vision from his past of his grandfather telling him, “One day, I will tell you why we do not hunt the bear.” He then sees his bear spirit and it gives him strength as he rises to his feet. Forg calls out for L.A.Z.H.O.R. to throw Lil Justice’s scorpion axe to him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws too hard and almost hurts Forg with it, but Forg manages to catch it at the last second. Forg trades places with Lil Justice and uses the scorpion axe to fight 2Chainz. As Forg is fighting for his life, Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. have a polite conversation and casually break the chains of some remaining prisoners. Forg is also quickly overpowered and, just when things seem hopeless, L.A.Z.H.O.R. runs straight at 2Chainz and surprises him by punching him and blasting his lazhor cannon at point blank range, doing massive damage. The victory is short lived as 2Chainz counter-attacks and nearly kills L.A.Z.H.O.R. with one hit. Before the fight can go on any longer, the final prisoner is freed. They hear the voice of D’Jay’Kaled, who scolds 2Chainz for failing him. 2Chainz calls them fools and says that they’ll all be sacrificed now. The room begins to fill with electricity as D’Jay’Kaled’s voice is heard saying, “Congratulations. You just played yourselves!”
S2 Episode 38 – Mr. Steal Yo Dice
Posted on November 7, 2017
L.A.Z.H.O.R. throws the wineskin of holy water at the red crystal, causing black smoke to rise off of it. It lets off electricity that begins draining everyone in the room, but then the mysterious puzzle box appears on the ground and absorbs the lightning. A beam of energy shoots into the ceiling and they can see in the image on the ceiling of the capital city with the green energy bubble above it is struck by the red energy beam and the green bubble evaporates. The red crystal then floats back down to the middle podium. L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes over and picks it up and miraculously isn’t turned to ash like 2Chainz was. He then sees an aura coming off of 2Chainz’s ashes. He places his lazhor cannon against it and absorbs the aura, allowing his arm cannon to turn into a yellow, purple, and green hookshot. He uses it to pull himself around the room as the others gather everyone in one spot. Lil Justice says goodbye to their bat friend Aldente and they grab onto the crystal together. It transports them to the kitchen of the Marquis’ castle in Jose Cuervos’lin, where Crate and the Marquis are. Crate demands to knock what happened to Winston’s paw. She comforts the now small Direcorgi and tells him that he is special like her now, since they are both missing a limb. Meanwhile, L.A.Z.H.O.R. smashes his “MF Like Button,” which causes celebration music to play. The group goes into the dining hall and sees that Squander is using his magic to fight off dozens of devils. He quickly dispatches them and tells the group that the devil army has been unleashed on the material plane and they are being led by an enormous devil lord who fits the description of D’Jay’Kaled himself. Squander warps them to Lady Ellary’s temple, saying that she is the only one who can cast the Forbiddance spell to banish them now. As they arrive, they see that it is on fire and partially destroyed. They enter to find Lady Ellary fighting a dozen devils herself. She quickly dispatches of them and puts out the fire. The group tells her what they know and she asks them to come with her and help protect her as she casts the forbiddance spell over the city. She then heals them up and gives them back their spell slots. Ellary recognizes the broken white sword at Forg’s side as Kerith Aure and she uses her magic to fix it for him. The dwarven boy who stays with her threatens to write a letter to the Dwarven king if she leaves the temple. She tells him to go ahead and that he can show his letter to the devils when more show up. The boy promises not to write any letters as long as Ellary keeps him safe. She then warps the group to the outskirts of the capital city and they prepare for battle. Having been healed by Ellary, the group has now moved up to level 5.
S2 Episode 39 – One Small Step for Man & One Giant Leap for Devils
Posted on November 14, 2017
Niccolo rolls canon dice to try to make it that everyone in the world secretly wants to be turned into gas, so that he can take advantage of the Gaseous Form spell. With a roll of 12, it is determined that more people want to be turned into gas than one would reasonably expect. Lady Ellary informs the group that she needs to get the ruby from the king regent’s crown as a component in order to cast the Forbiddance spell. She needs the Assblasters to protect them while she gets there and casts it. If she fails to cast the spell, then she intends to remove the enchantments that keep the city floating, which would drop it into the chasm below, killing everyone in the city, but also hopefully also killing D’Jay’Kaled and blocking the path of the devil army. While they are discussing this, they can see that the bridge to the city is covered in devils. Winston grows to full Direcorgi size and bowls them all over, knocking them into the chasm and clearing a path. The Assblasters then head inside and are confronted by the Rough Riders, the companions of the now-deceased Nightmare Rider. Their leader is wielding the Nightmare Rider’s black blades. L.A.Z.H.O.R. immediately blasts one of them off of a balcony and the others are dispatched by the Assblasters. They then get on the elevator to go to the top level where the king regent resides. As they are about to go up, the bottom level of the floating city collapses and D’Jay’Kaled begins climbing inside the city.
S2 Episode 40 – Me and an Unjust God
Posted on November 21, 2017
Forg attempts to pick up the Nightmare Rider’s black blades. He immediately becomes distrusting of his friends and realizes that the sword is manipulating his thoughts, but he can’t bring himself to throw it away. Lady Ellary helps him break the spell and he throws the sword down at D’Jay’Kaled, scratching him as it falls into the chasm below. They ride the elevator up as they attack down at him but quickly realize that he is unphased by their attacks, so they are forced to get creative. They begin attacking the balconies in order to weaken his handholds. Vaerog creates an illusion of Lady Ellary to distract him. They successfully cause some of the ledges to collapse as he climbs them, slowing his ascent. L.A.Z.H.O.R. magically amplifies his voice and calls out to the city for their assistance. He successfully gets dozens of citizens to come to the balconies and begin throwing things at D’Jay’Kaled until the devil lord bewitches the people to make them all raise their arms in the air. When they get to the king regent’s chambers at the top, L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his hookshot to grab the king regent’s crown off of his head as Lady Ellary uses the ruby in it as a component for the Forbiddance spell. Then, they drop one of the magically floating elevators and a statue onto him. As D’Jay’Kaled makes it to the top, it is apparent that they will not have enough time to finish the spell if they cannot stall him more. L.A.Z.H.O.R. says that he considers his fellow adventurers to be his friends and then heroically leaps off the edge, launching his hookshot into D’Jay’Kaled’s hand and using his weight to pull it off of the ledge. The devil lord falls down one level and then angrily throws L.A.Z.H.O.R. into the chasm below. Inspired by L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s sacrifice, Forg leaps off of the top level and lands directly on D’Jay’Kaled’s right eye, stabbing it repeatedly before jumping off onto a ledge. Suddenly, as L.A.Z.H.O.R. is falling, a jetpack emerges from his back and he flies up to the top level. When asked why he hadn’t revealed that he could fly, he says, “literally no one asked.” The final battle begins as D’Jay’Kaled makes his way up to the top floor.
See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-41-50/