S2 Ep. 61 – 70

S2 Episode 61 – Horse Repairman

Posted on June 20, 2018

Forg talks to his little frog buddy who was spewing out prophecies. Because the frog has its left eye sewn shut, he calls it “Right Eye.” Right Eye refers to the cryptic phrases as “stories” and says that he is describing dreams that he had. The frog says that he also saw a green guardian and a horned beast that had already risen from the sea. Right Eye claims that this green guardian wouldn’t be able to hold back the beast forever. Forg realizes that the frogs don’t understand this much more than he does, so he just decides to go back to sleep as his frog buddy, Fetty Woop, stands guarding the door and another frog buddy, Fitty Copper, claims to have received more “mana from the heavens” and spits out a key that he clearly stole from the Darkstone house. Forg thanks him and goes back to sleep. In the morning, they are all called down to breakfast. As Vaerog prepares to go down, he sees a Dwarven man heading out to forest where they left Jackson, the white bronco. Vaerog runs out to confront him. The Dwarven man says that his name is O’Jae and claims that the horse belongs to him, but he calls the horse “Ford.” O’Jae insists that he never abused the horse, but begins explaining in great detail how he would have abused the horse if he did abuse it. Vaerog tries to reason with O’Jae, but O’Jae repeatedly disrespects Vaerog by dropping a book on the ground, sipping his drink, and talking unnecessarily. Vaerog decides to let him take the horse and follow him covertly. After he leaves, Vaerog picks up the book that O’Jae had dropped and sees that it was ironically a book on Elven manners. Vaerog follows O’Jae back to the dwarf’s home and then returns to Darkstone’s chateau to ask the other Assblasters for help rescuing the horse from its abuser. The others agree, but decide to wait until the cover of dark. Lil Justice and Forg gamble to pass the time, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. takes it upon himself to rescue the horse on his own. Rather than asking where O’Jae’s house is, he wanders the city looking for it. Eventually, he ends up at the city hall and asks for the city plans, claiming that he is interested in building a porch. After reviewing the plans, he sees four different homes that are big enough to house a stable (aside from Pabarel Darkstone’s chateau). L.A.Z.H.O.R. goes to every single one of them until he ends up at O’Jae’s house. He claims to be a “horse repairman” and casts the Suggestion spell (twice) on O’Jae and uses it to make O’Jae open up his gate and let L.A.Z.H.O.R. in. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then brings the horse back to Pabarel Darkstone’s chateau and suggests that they all leave. As they are leaving, Pabarel Darkstone returns from a council meeting. He tells them that he has heard news that the militia that was sent to Cacot successfully fought off an invasion by cultists. Pabarel takes this as confirmation that Aati & Illum must be connected to the cultists or else they wouldn’t have known where the cultists would attack next. The Assblasters decide to leave the city in search of Aati & Illum. Pabarel asks them how they got into the city, saying that he wants to block it off to keep Elves from using their secret entrance. The group ignores him and heads off, but he sends his half-orc bodyguard, Boo, to follow them. They get to the blockaded main gate and Vaerog casts the Sleep spell to render Boo unconscious so they can get away from him and head back to the secret entrance. The group then finally leaves Elmoor to head toward the city of Waleah in search of Aati & Illum.

S2 Episode 62 – We’re Not Ass Guys. We’re Ass Men!

Posted on June 26, 2018

The group travels through the night. They hear a young halfling yelling out in distress. L.A.Z.H.O.R. insists that they should help, because he has decided that he should set a good example for Crate. They head toward the screaming to find a halfling halfway up a tree, being clawed at by one of the black ooze zombies. Forg leaps off of the gilded chariot and cuts it in two, causing it to explode and damage him. The halfling climbs down from the tree and introduces himself as Tayoris (AKA “Ted” from season 1). While brushing off his brown frock, he tells them that he accompanied a dragonborn here and the dragonborn went into a nearby Elven tree fortress to recover a focus stone for the town of Tarnstead, but has yet to return. Tayoris worries that something bad has happened. The Assblasters agree to go up and investigate. They arrive at the fortress, which is made up of four hollowed-out giant trees twisted together. They go inside and head up the stairs, going past numerous destroyed zombies. When they arrive at the top, they see the dragonborn fighting a barbed devil with batlike wings. The brass dragonborn tries to warn them to escape, but he is stabbed through the chest by the barbed devil’s long claws and he crumples to the floor. They begin fighting the barbed devil as it slashes them with its claws, leaving a green, acidic residue on their wounds which continues to burn if they don’t use their action to clean the wounds. Zombies begin pouring in through the other doors, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. yells out that he’ll protect his friends with the “power of good” as he casts Hunger of Hadar, which creates a void of black tentacles over one of the open doors. The void of tentacles begins destroying all of the zombies that try to pass through as L.A.Z.H.O.R. absorbs the life force from the fallen zombies to give himself strength. The barbed devil proves too mobile for the group to catch until Forg uses his holy blade to slash a hole in one of its wings. Just as things seem to be going favorably for The Assblasters, the barbed devil laughs and asks them if they thought that the black ooze could only resurrect humanoids. In that moment, a zombie spiderbear comes through one of the open doors and lets out a horrible screech.

S2 Episode 63 – Chili Still Hurts When It’s Cooked

Posted on July 3, 2018

The fight continues as zombies pour into the room. Forg successfully cuts off the devil’s undamaged wing. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his laser cannon arm’s fire ability to place a burning flame in front of the southwestern door to block off incoming zombies. The wooden tree floor catches fire and begins spreading as the fight continues. The zombie spiderbear shoots webbing at Lil Justice’s feet, but he manages to cut himself free. Lil Justice is reminded of the flashback that he previously saw in the fight with 2Chainz in Hell. He sees the remainder of that memory, where his grandfather told him, “One day, I will tell you why we do not hunt the bear.” Apparently, right after his grandfather had said that, the bear that they were looking at turned its head and revealed that it was actually spiderbear. Lil Justice’s grandfather then said that he hated spiderbears and it was totally cool to kill them. The flashback ends and we’re returned to the present time. Lil Justice attacks the spiderbear with his axe, but his axe gets stuck in the zombie spiderbear’s neck and he is unable to remove it. The group makes a canon roll to decide that the black ooze apparently tastes and smells like spicy chili. Vaerog blasts the spiderbear zombie with a firebolt, which burns away some of the ooze and frees Lil Justice’s axe. Lil Justice then backs away from the spiderbear and uses a javelin to pin it to the wall as the spreading fire burns it and causes it to make an extra large explosion. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then traps the remaining zombies and the devil in the Hunger of Hadar spell. The devil is blinded and trapped in the spell’s void as it is attacked repeatedly by milky tentacles. Lil Justice tries to take the unconscious dragonborn out of harm’s way, but the dragonborn regains consciousness and insists on sticking around to see the devil vanquished. The devil emerges from the void as every single party member simultaneously hits it as hard as they can, cutting off its acid claws, retrieving the focus stone from it, and knocking it back into the void to be torn apart by the tentacles.

S2 Episode 64 – Nice to Meet You, Mr. Edgelord

Posted on July 10, 2018

The dragonborn with a diamond in his throat collects the devil’s claws and horns to be used or sold later. He reintroduces himself as Vezherax and says that he remembers L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Forg from the tavern in Brinjal back in the first episode of season 2. Vezherax is surprised that they have already returned from Jose’Cuervos’lin and asks if they have met Marq. The elderly dragonborn informs them that the Marquis is named Marq. The group goes down to the chariot, where they see that Crate and Tayoris have captured a shadow zombie in the wheels of the chariot. The Assblasters remove the zombie from the wheel and destroy it at a safe distance, so the explosion doesn’t damage anything. Then, they realize that Winston is missing. They hear him howling in the distance. Lil Justice runs toward the howling as his friends are left behind to deal with a horde of zombies that comes out of the woods. On his way to Winston, Lil Justice sees an imp with a broken arm. His vision is then obscured by pure darkness as the imp begins blasting him with firebolts. In the darkness, Lil Justice sees a vision of his spirit bear asking him where his rage comes from. The spirit bear tells him to “let go” and he decides to drop his axe. As he walks toward the spirit bear, he can see again and he realizes that the imp had cast the Darkness spell on the axe, so the aura of darkness had been following him as long as he carried it. With his vision restored, he uppercuts the imp’s head clear off of its body and takes a potion that it had on it. He finds Winston howling sadly amidst the ruins of the Tarnstead temple of Moradin. Lil Justice speaks to Winston and finds out that Winston spoke to Jackson and he thinks that Lil Justice was replacing him with “a real horse.” Lil Justice tells him that they could never replace the Direcorgi. Winston is comforted by this and resolves to become the best dog that he can be. They return to the rest of the group and then go to Tarnstead to return the focus stone to Bekela. Afterward, they nearly enter the Imp and the Serpent before Vezherax warns them that he already made that mistake and that it is a brothel. Upon hearing Lil Justice sneaks away to run to the brothel. Meanwhile, Vezherax tells them everything he has heard about Aati & Illum. He recaps season 1 for the party in a way that makes Aati & Illum sound like the villains. He mistakenly refers to their companions as “Long Dark Silver” and “Carl the Cruel Man.” Upon returning, the Assblasters ask Lil Justice if he has ever heard of the “Cruel Man.” Lil Justice doesn’t put 2 + 2 together and he insists that the cruel man can’t be his cousin, because Carl wasn’t cruel. With that, the group heads out toward Waleah.

S2 Episode 65 – Evil Forest Hag

Posted on July 17, 2018

As the group heads to Waleah, Crate gives Forg a new weapon that she has made for him using the barbed devil’s acid claws. Thanks to the poisonous content of the claws, the group decides that the devil’s name was “Belbiv the Foe.” they regale Vezherax with all of the things that they have done so far. They stop for lunch as Vezherax asks them about their respective cultures. Forg talks about the Western Continent. He says that it is a sign of respect there to say “oh shit, waddup?” Frog people often ride unicycles there. There is a delicacy called “icup,” which you can only eat if you spell its name, but nobody wants to spell it. Nobody knows how it’s made or where it comes from. Vaerog says that he has been reading about a wizard who did some studies on lightning magic named Grelkin. He lived on top of a mountain to be closer to the storms. Lil Justice says that his tribe (the Yonkersonian tribe) has a battle cry that sounds like “YERRRR!” They venerate and refuse to harm bears. Finally, he says that they are great fighters and their signet is the turquoise-browed motmot. Afterward, they continue traveling to the city of Waleah to find Aati & Illum. On the way, they go through a dark forest and it begins raining. In the night, it begins raining and they pass by a cabin with an old woman inside. She calls out to them and invites them inside. Every single party member rolls perception, believing that she must be a hag or a witch with evil intentions. After repeatedly checking and having Vezherax cast “Detect Good & Evil,” they finally decide to go inside. The woman introduces herself as Minerva Hanson. L.A.Z.H.O.R. is extremely suspicious and watches over her shoulder as she makes them dinner. Vaerog sees that she has a bookshelf with basic magic and he studies it to learn the “Silent Image” spell. She tells them that they can stay in her children’s rooms. She tells them the story of how she took in two young children who she found in the woods. She called them Bibi and Bobo. One was an Aasimar and the other was a tiefling. She tells about how she found the Aasimar in a bear’s den and he has been afraid of them ever since. The Tiefling was apparently afraid of the dark. When the local villagers detected that there was a demon in her cabin, they came to her house to slay it and she sent them away into the woods to protect them. After hearing her story, Forg tries to tell Minerva that her adopted children are still alive, but Vezherax insists on keeping it secret, thinking that it will only break her heart more if she knew that the Assblasters were going to bring them to justice. The group goes to sleep, except for Vezherax, who says that nightmares of people he has lost tend to keep him awake. The elderly dragonborn goes outside and chops wood for Minerva. In the morning, they eat breakfast and prepare to leave as Vezherax apologizes to Minerva. She doesn’t understand what he is apologizing for and asks if he has done something. He simply replies, “No, not yet.” With that, the group heads to Waleah. When they arrive, they find that the temple they were seeking is now in a pile of smoldering ruins.

S2 Episode 66 – Fix It in Post

Posted on July 24, 2018

This episode marks the podcast’s 100th total episode. As they stand before the ruins of the Waleah temple, Vezharax the dragonborn insists that this is exactly what the temple in Tarnstead looked like and he blames this on Aati & Illum. Whiele the temple is destroyed, the city’s castle remains standing. They investigate and find it completely abandoned. Martha sniffs around the ruins as Winston mimics her in an attempt to be a better dog. L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s history check reveals that the people refer to Waleah as “The city in the Castle,” but all of the homesteads within the castle’s walls are completely destroyed or empty. There isn’t a single corpse, leading Vezharax to conclude that the bodies were raised as shadow zombies. The dragonborn tells the Assblasters that there is a legend that Waleah’s monastery was built to contain a minotaur cursed with eternal life. Upon inspection, they find a secret passageway beneath the temple ruins. Before they can head in, their old friend, the eagle Aarakocra, Bradperson, flies in to join them. Bradperson says that he has been tracking them for some time. He reveals that he killed the assassin, Peace, but spared his partner, Quiet. Bradperson confirms that King Durian hired the assassins. Vezherax protests upon hearing that Bradperson is a killer. The dragonborn cleric insists that the party must not kill anyone if they are to continue working with him and says that enemies must be restrained and taken in for justice. As they head into the labyrinth beneath the temple, the Puzzle Box suddenly frees itself from L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s compartment and Harlow pops out. Harlow looks considerably older. He is covered in shadow ooze, wearing a necklace of eyes, and is holding the head of the cyclops, Garius. Harlow tells them that the box sent him to a shadow realm and he was trapped there for 15 years (despite only 3 weeks having passed in the Assblaster’s world). Harlow said that he had just beheaded the cyclops, Garius, who was originally sucked into the box along with him. Beheading the cyclops apparently returned him to the mundane world. He warns them of a dragon lich named Durg Gyrtu Gahl, whose name means “The first sunset.” Garius had apparently allied himself with this dracolich and together they had hunted Harlow. His old dog companion, Martha, sniffs out Harlow and rushes over to him. She licks his face as Winston comes rushing in to mimic her. Winston has grown to his full Direcorgi size and tackles Harlow. Lil Justice orders Winston to get off of Harlow as Harlow pets Martha. The dogs are ordered to stay behind with Crate as the group enters the castle. As they go in, L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s arm cannon turns into a new setting that looks suspiciously like a shakeweight. They see a sign that tells them that the “walls have eyes” and see a trail of black slime leading toward a wall to their right, so Harlow attacks the wall, which turns out to be a mimic. A Black Ooze creature crawls out from behind the mimic and a fight ensues as Lil Justice splits it in half and the two halves begin attacking the group. They eventually manage to destroy the ooze. The wall mimic transforms back into its amorphous mimic state and attempts to run away, so Harlow smashes it against a wall. They see that the area that the wall mimic was previously blocking contains a treasure chest. The Assblasters open to chest to get a Belt of Dwarvenkind. Harlow attaches the mimic’s eyes to the belt and gives it to L.A.Z.H.O.R. The belt gives L.A.Z.H.O.R. darkvision and lets him speak Dwarvish. They follow one path and it leads to a chasm, so they turn around. As they navigate the labyrinth, they find a devil corpse with its head smashed in. Then, they come across one hallway that is collapsed and flooded with water. Another hallway has a series of vents filling part of the hall with fire. They decide to go down another hall that leads to the bottom of the chasm, where they pass the remnants of a destroyed stone golem. Then, they are attacked by a giant snake. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attaches one of his scorpion mines to the snake’s head. Then, Forg cuts its head off, Bradperson summons a warhammer to hit a homerun on the snake head, and L.A.Z.H.O.R. detonates his mine, exploding the head in midair. Harlow collects the snake’s eyes for his necklace. The group climbs up to the other side of the chasm and sees a cloaked devil covered in shadow tentacles. The devil seems to be trying to open a steel door. They approach the devil with their weapons drawn and he turns around, lowering his hood. The devil reveals that he is wearing paladin armor and calls out “Skibbity bo bop!” They have finally found Aati.

S2 Episode 67 – #CancelDnDBags

Posted on August 7, 2018

Harlow Mountainbrew sees Aati surrounded by shadow tentacles and charges in to attack. The shadow ooze that is on Harlow begins reacting to the shadow energy coming off of Aati and Harlow is sucked back into the puzzle box. Thinking that Aati had intentionally banished Harlow, Forg responds by attacking him. Vaerog casts Detect Thoughts on him. When it becomes apparent that he doesn’t know what is going on, they stop attacking. Vezherax the dragonborn accuses Aati of destroying the temple of Waleah, but Aati claims that the temple was destroyed by a hooded demon. Aati claims that, underneath the hood, there is only a floating pair of eyes and fangs, along with translucent skin that you can see straight through to the back of the demon’s skull. The demon apparently calls itself “The Ghost Faced Killer”. Avi tries to roll canon dice to determine that the Sons of the Scourge was actually called “The Wu-Tang Clan”. He rolls too low, but Joe the DM agrees to name future devils working for the Sons of the Scourge after Wu-Tang Clan members. Vezherax says that he spoke to members of the Sons of the Scourge who told him of Aati & Illum’s cowardly retreat in Tarnstead. Upon further questioning, Aati reveals that he doesn’t know where Illum is. He says that their friend, Lane, had been communicating with them through a crystal ball. Lane had told them how to get through a portal that allegedly led to the hideout of the Sons of the Scourge’s leader, Malexxis. When they went through the portal, they were immediately surrounded by reanimated skeletons with nooses around their necks. Illum recognized the noose skeletons from his nightmare and immediately pushed Aati back through the portal as he shouted about how lame the skeletons were. As the skeletons wrapped their nooses around Illum, he destroyed the portal so that the skeletons couldn’t get to Aati, but that also meant that Aati couldn’t get back to Illum. That was the last time that Aati saw Illum, but he says that he can still feel Illum’s energy through his amulet, so he feels certain that Illum is still alive. Lil Justice asks if Aati is the one who destroyed the golem and wrote the message on the wall from before. Aati confirms that he did both of those things. Lil Justice also asks where Carl the Gruel Man is, but Aati says that they were separated from Carl after they escaped prison in Elmoor. Then, the players decide that mimics, in their natural forms, have googly eyes, so that the eyes that Harlow attached to L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s Belt of Dwarvenkind are now googly eyes as well. People in this world are apparently disgusted by the sight of mimic eyes. Vaerog asks Aati how he feels about being turned to gas and Aati admits that he has seriously thought about it on occasion. Vezherax insists that they tie up Aati, because they still believe that he might be dangerous. Aati realizes that he can’t defeat the group, so he agrees to have his hands bound and Lil Justice ties his hands with his manticore belt. The group attempts to open the steel door behind Aati, but they can’t get it to budge, so L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks Forg to look in a small 1.5 foot tall hole in the wall nearby. Forg ribbits and gets a response ribbit from Lil Justice’s afro and they realize that one of Forg’s little frog buddies, Right Eye, had secretly come with them by hiding in Lil Justice’s afro. Forg tells Right Eye to stay safe in the afro and then he looks into the hole, where he sees a treasure chest on the other of a small tunnel. Vaerog sends his Unseen Servant into the tunnel and it retrieves a scroll from the chest. A kobold in the tunnel attempts to swipe at the Unseen Servant, but misses, as the Unseen Servant takes the scroll back to the group and L.A.Z.H.O.R. casts an illusion to make it look like their end of the tunnel is blocked off. Bradperson then uses his Clairvoyance spell to see the other side of the steel door. He sees a room with spikes on the opposite wall and a portion of the wall with 6 statue busts sticking out of it (an Aarakocra, a Sahuagin/fishfolk, a devil, an earth genasi, and an Aasimar). In the center of the wall is a flaming eye that turns and sees the invisible orb that Bradperson is seeing through. The devil statue’s eyes glow and the room goes dark, but Bradperson’s warlock pact allows him to see in magical darkness, so he is unphased. Then, the dragonborn’s eyes glow and the eye shoots fire at the invisible orb. The fireblast causes him to flinch out of the spell. He then switches it to hear what is in the room and he hears the sound of the minotaur clopping around past another steel door on the far side of the locked room. Unable to get through the steel door, they decide to go back to the hallway that was filled with water. Vezherax casts the Sanctuary spell on Forg to protect him from anything that might be in the water. Finally, Forg dives into the murky water, hoping to find a way through.

S2 Episode 68 – I Hand the Bird My Résumé

Posted on August 21, 2018

Forg swims through the flooded portion of the labyrinth as his ankle is suddenly caught by the hand of a Sahuagin (fishfolk) corpse. He pulls free of the dead fish man and emerges on the other side of the hall, where he sees the corpse of an Aarakocra reaching out for a lever in the middle of the hall. There are little kobold tunnels in the walls to his right and left as well as a steel door in front of him (past the lever). Forg tries moving the lever into its first position, which seems to open a steel door behind the fire in the leftmost hallway. He moves it into its second position, which causes the steel door in front of him to open. Behind that door, he sees a white section of wall with 6 blue, ethereal tentacles reaching out for him and a voice saying, “Join us!” He quickly pulls the lever back, closing the door. The voice grows louder and the labyrinth begins shaking, causing more of it to collapse, blocking Forg’s path back underwater. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to dislodge the rocks with his hookshot, but only causes more of the ceiling to collapse and further blocking the underwater path. Forg turns the lever to its third and final position, which opens up the door in the far right hallway where they originally met Aati. Unwilling to proceed without Forg, the group decides to talk to the kobolds to figure out a way to free him. Vaerog convinces the kobolds that the Assblasters weren’t the ones who stole the kobolds’ scroll. The kobolds then cryptically reveal that “the fallen ones” become part of the Wall that Forg had seen. They ask the kobolds how to get past the vents that are spewing fire and the kobolds tell them that the silver Gustwing can get through. Lil Justice drinks his Potion of Diminution (AKA “Shrinky Dink Potion”) to become 3 feet tall and go through the kobold tunnels. He gets to the other side of the fire vents and speaks to the bird. He convinces the Gustwing to help them by offering it gold, but they decide against using the Gustwing as Lil Justice has Forg open the steel door in front of him and sees that it leads to the same statue room that they had seen from the opposite hallway where they met Aati. When he peeks in, the fishfolk statue’s eyes light up and a jet of water shoot at Lil Justice from the center of the White Wall. Lil Justice quickly leaves the room and returns to meet his friends. They decide to untie Aati so that he can help them in the fight. Then, they have Forg open up the door in the far right hallway and enter the room with the White Wall and the statues coming out of it. The devil statue and the dragonborn statues’ eyes both light up as the room goes dark and It blasts fire at Lil Justice. Forg hears the sound of the fire blast from the other side of the steel door in front of him just as the episode ends.

S2 Episode 69 – Lady’s Night

Posted on September 4, 2018

This is our “ladies’ night” episode which features an all-female audience, consisting entirely of our friend, Christina. The episode begins with Dax deciding to establish that Lil Justice is lactose intolerant (for no particular reason). Bradperson and L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s players roll to compete for who can tolerate lactose better and L.A.Z.H.O.R. wins. Tiny Justice manages to avoid the fire blast and attacks the Aasimar statue, which begins bleeding black, corrosive acid. Then, the statue responds by glowing its eyes and a flash of light is released from the center of the wall. The group attacks the various statues that are sticking out of the wall, as each one causes the wall to release a different counterattack. Aarakocra head (Wind attack), Dragonborn head (Fire attack), Fishfolk head (Water spit), Devil head (Dark attack), Earth Genasi head (Rock Attack), and the Aasimar head (Light attack). Different tentacles correspond to the different statues on Forg’s side. On Forg’s turn, the ethereal tentacles reach through the door and pull the lever to open it, but Forg immediately pulls it closed again. On the wall’s turns it uses combined attacks (i.e. The dragonborn’s fire attack + Aarakocra’s wind attack creates a fire tornado). L.A.Z.H.O.R. pulls out a beach chair and relaxes as he uses his Hunger of Hadar spell on the wall, but the spell’s radius includes Forg, who desperately avoids the spell’s black tentacles until L.A.Z.H.O.R. releases them. Aati attempts to help, but rolls a 1 and his hammer deflects off of the statue into his face, knocking him out. The wall’s wind attack pushes Vaerog back into the spikes on the opposite wall. The group rolls canon dice to decide that the spikes are apparently notably phallic. The wall’s ethereal blue tentacles then reach through the steel door in front of Forg once more and pull the lever, breaking the lever off completely. The ethereal tentacle reaches into Forg’s chest, causing a Forg-shaped statue to start appearing on the other side of the wall. After a few turns, Forg successfully attacks the tentacles connected to the devil statue and the Aasimar statue. When the wall tries to produce light and dark simultaneously, it fails and both statues crumble. Vaerog then uses magic missile to blast the dragonborn and fishfolk statues, causing them to cancel each other out and crumble. Finally, Forg attacks the tentacles connected to the Earth Genasi and the Aarakocra, causing them to cancel each other out and the whole wall crumbles, revealing a key on top of the rubble. Badly wounded from the fight, they decide to rest by having Vaerog use the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell. When they get into the hut, they see that it has been torn apart by Leomund, who is apparently searching for his wedding ring. The group decides to stay quiet about the ring after realizing they left it back in the chariot. Vezherax the dragonborn heals the party members and tells them that he can use the Sending spell to telepathically communicate with Harlow Mountainbrew, since they seem concerned about where he went. Bradperson says that he also knows the Sending spell. Because  the spell only lets them dictate 25 words, L.A.Z.H.O.R. dictates a 50 word message to be split between Vezharax and Bradperson. Vezherax sends the message, “Hey, what’s good. How have you been? I hope you have been doing well. As for us, we’re ok. Last you saw us, we were-” and Bradperson sends the message, “In the middle of a quest, but comma you already knew that because we were in the dungeon together. Anyway, we’re fine. How ‘bout you?” Joe the DM agrees to text this message to Harlow’s player (Charlie) and tell them how he replied in our next session. Bradperson and Tiny Justice begin eating all of Leomund’s finest cheeses from his cupboard, because Dax decided that Lil Justice was lactose intolerant for no particular reason. As they finish, the Potion of Diminution wears off and Tiny Justice returns to his full size, once again referring to himself as Lil Justice. The group all goes to sleep and L.A.Z.H.O.R. sleeps standing up on top of Leomund’s bed, which consequently destroys the bed frame. In the morning, Vaerog asks Leomund how he feels about being turned to gas. After Vaerog successfully gets a high roll, it is determined that Leomund is really into it. Leomund asks Vaerog to turn him into gas and seems really happy about it, but the Tiny Hut spell ends and the group is transported back to the dungeon just before Vaerog can actually cast the spell. The group then uses the key to enter the Minotaur’s room. They see a pile of minotaur bones and conclude that the minotaur must have died of old age and the “eternal life” was a myth. In the room, the group sees the corpse of an Aasimar and an Earth Genasi. The Earth Genasi had a bow right next to it and is full of stab wounds. The Aasimar corpse was full of arrows. On the far end of the room, they see an altar with 5 golden shards on it. Behind the altar, there is the statue of a headless man holding a stone carving that looks identical to the group’s Puzzle Box in one hand. In the statue’s other hand, it is holding a quill. Vaerog’s recognizes this item as the Trickster’s Quill, which allows its user to change the properties of a spell by editing its name in a spellbook. The quill can either add one letter, remove one letter, or substitute one letter of the spell’s name and the spell effect will change accordingly. L.A.Z.H.O.R. takes the artifact shards from the altar and he gives one to each player character. Suddenly, reacting to the shards being removed, the minotaur bones reassemble themselves into a skeletal minotaur with a scimitar. The episode ends as the group prepares for battle.


S2 Episode 70 – Leomund’s Tiny Hat

Posted on September 19, 2018

Our original DM, Frankie, joins us for this episode as a player. Instead of reprising his role as Thediem, Frankie instead chooses to play a new character: the bald wood elf monk, Hooup. We rewind slightly from the end of the last episode and, just before the bones assemble themselves, a dazed raccoon walks in the door of the chamber. L.A.Z.H.O.R. slowly fades out of view as he uses his level 7 ability to camouflage with his surroundings. The raccoon is followed by Hooup, who introduces himself and claims to have gotten lost following the raccoon into the dungeon. As the Assblasters are hit with a dank wave of stench, Hooup reveals that he is also carrying a skunk inside his robes. Forg detects that the raccoon is rabid. The skeletal minotaur then begins speaking in Dwarven and says that it’ll show them how the maze was made. The minotaur begins stomping its hooves as 10’ x 5’ stone walls rise from the ground around the Assblasters. The Assblasters run between the rising walls to attack the minotaur as Bradperson and L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempt to fly over them. As the two warlocks rise into the sky, the minotaur stomps his feet again and causes 10’ x 5’ stone slabs to fall from the ceiling on top of them and the other party members. Lil Justice starts feeling that Leomund’s cheese isn’t sitting well in his stomach, due to his lactose intolerance. After a grueling fight, Aati is trapped and knocked unconscious. Forg has L.A.Z.H.O.R. throw his bitchin’ flame sword and he dual-wields both of his swords and he manages to disarm the minotaur with them before breaking the minotaur apart. Before it can reassemble, L.A.Z.H.O.R. sees an aura glow around it. He absorbs the minotaur’s spirit into his arm cannon and gains the ability to create walls himself. As the spirit leaves the skull, it says “Lord Sheeran, I have failed you.” Forg’s little frog buddy, Right Eye hops over to it and closes its eyes as it says, “Goodnight, sweet prince.” Forg attempts to question this strange behavior, but Right Eye is unable to explain it. L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts one of its eyes in an empty vial as a souvenir for Harlow, because they know that Harlow liked collecting monster eyes. As they are leaving, they realize that the path has been blocked, but they are helped by some of the kobolds who they had stolen from earlier. The kobolds lead them through their tunnels and out to safety. Aati is confused why they would help him, as he had been taught that kobolds were one of the “bad races.” Upon questioning, Aati reveals that he was taught about good/bad races by a man from his monastery named Brother Kramer, who had been kicked out for saying some hateful things about Gnomes. Vezherax encourages Aati to forget everything that Kramer taught him and Aati agrees. Then, they step out of the labyrinth to see that they are surrounded by a thousand shadow zombies and a man with a transparent face, who calls himself the Ghost-faced Killer. Refusing to be taken prisoner, Vezherax tells L.A.Z.H.O.R. to use his new ability to create walls and keep them safe from the zombies while he uses his Turn Undead ability to get them to safety. Meanwhile, Crate begins firing the catapults at them from the castle. After a long battle, they are able to defeat all of the zombies and get to safety. Martha is sad to see that Harlow is no longer with them and Winston imitates her sadness (believing that sadness is a dog thing). Vaerog then prepares the Leomund’s Tiny Hut spell so they can rest safely and Vezherax announces that he intends to use the Zone of Truth spell to interrogate Aati.

See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-71-80/