S2 Episode 11 – Have You Guys Ever Seen Misery?
Posted on May 2, 2017
The Assblasters use the elven militia to set up ropes and spike pits as traps for Biclops the cyclops. While they are setting up the traps, Harlow notices that the puzzle box has appeared at his feet. While no one is looking, he decides to take a golf swing at it with his hammer, creating a crack along the middle of the box and for a similar design to appear on the palm of his hand. Recognizing that he has made a mistake, he decides not to mention it to anyone and gives the box back to L.A.Z.O.R. for safekeeping. The militia then leaves and Biclops arrives. Dunder quickly shrinks Biclops down to half his size, making it difficult for him to push down the trees as he had previously done. The Assblasters and Dunder then successfully lead him through the traps and attack him repeatedly as he is too confused to counter their attacks.
S2 Episode 12 – The Man in the Box
Posted on May 9, 2017
Biclops kneels, bloody and defeated, as he begs for mercy. Just as victory seems to be within their grasp, Dunder blasts him with a fireball and tells him that he’ll pay for stealing Oakfen’s children, using a spell so that Biclops can understand him. Biclops replies that he had stolen any children and that he was only taking care of them. While he is busy puzzling out what Biclops’ meant by his cryptic statement, Dunder is suddenly crushed by a giant boulder that is sent hurling through the air. The boulder slides forward into the tree that Sapodia was hiding in, causing it to fall over and for her to be lost among the leaves. With Dunder dead, the enlarge/reduce spell wears off and Biclops returns to his normal size with Harlow standing just in front of him. As this is all happening, the crack in the puzzle box suddenly begins to glow and Harlow is sucked inside. Things immediately look dire for the Assblasters with Dunder dead, Sapodia & Harlow missing, and two cyclopes approaching them. Just then, they are given an opportunity to escape as the second cyclops, Garius, begins to attack Biclops, berating him for letting the prisoners escape. Garius says that he is going to give Biclops 3 strikes with his club and counts them down as he does them. He counts out “3” on the first hit, then knocks Biclops unconscious with the second as he calls out “2”. He raises up his club for one final strike and says, “What comes before 2?” L.A.Z.O.R. answers his question by saying “1” as he blasts a laser beam from his arm cannon at Garius. The group then attempts to fight Garius, but finds themselves outmatched, as he is smart enough to avoid their traps. Forg gets in a hit, but Garius lands a critical blow on him, sending him through the center of a tree like a railroad spike and nearly killing him outright. As things look truly hopeless, L.A.Z.O.R. and Lil Justice plan to get Forg’s unconscious body and retreat to safety as L.A.Z.O.R. distracts Garius with an illusion. Then, Sapodia appears over Forg pouring a health potion into his mouth and reviving him to consciousness. At that moment, Harlow emerges from the puzzle box. He looks around and sees that his friends have been outmatched, then gets an idea. Taunting Garius and throwing a beer at his back, Harlow walks up to face him, dropping the barrel on his back to the ground. Garius smiles cruelly and says that he is going to smash Harlow in two hits. Just as he swings his club down, Harlow throws the puzzle box up into his club, causing the crack in the box to spread across the entire surface and the crack in Harlow’s hand to spread all the way up his arm. He turns around and gives one final nod to his teammates as the box sucks in both him and Garius.
S2 Episode 13 – Now We Can Slide Him Under Doors
Posted on May 17, 2017
Having come to terms with Harlow’s sacrifice, the group begins to collect their things so they can head back to Oakfen. As Sapodia is trying to move the boulder off of Dunder, she is suddenly helped by Biclops, who has regained consciousness. Biclops expresses regret that Garius had killed one of their friends. L.A.Z.O.R. speaks to Biclops and convinces him to come back to Oakfen with them in the hopes that he can convince the elves to let him live there with them. Biclops agrees to carry Dunder’s corpse so that they can give him a proper burial. Upon returning to the town, they see that the Lord Witness, Bellis Diamondback, had kicked Crate out and she is sitting outside the gates. Terrill comes out to find out why they have brought the cyclops back with them and they explain the situation. He agrees to let them inside as long as Biclops stays outside. A crowd gathers and Terrill brings out the Chief. The Assblasters speak to the chief, who reluctantly agrees to allow the cyclops to stay as long as he lives outside of the walls of the city. Bellis Diamondback shows up to mock their efforts and inform them that Harlow was some kind of exile and that the brand on his neck meant that he must have poisoned someone. Sapodia tries to defend him, but Bellis doesn’t seem to care. L.A.Z.O.R. asks for their reward so that they can leave, but Bellis says that he never asked them to stop the cyclops, so he doesn’t feel that he owes them a thing. Terrill steps forward and rallies the people to make a collection for the Assblasters. L.A.Z.O.R. loudly promises to one day return and free the elves from their Dwarven oppressors. Bellis Diamondback accuses him of treason for this and demands that the guards arrest the Assblasters. The guards reluctantly block the Assblasters’ path as L.A.Z.O.R. pushes them, telling them to pretend to be knocked out and saying that he can pretend to fight them and “make it look super real”. Forg convinces the Assblasters not to fight back for fear of making things worse. Just as they are about to be arrested, Terrill knocks out Bellis Diamondback, gives them their golden reward (300 gold) and tells them to get going. As they leave the gates, they see that multiple children have begun climbing on Biclops and he has gently allowed them to use him as a playground. They tell him that he is allowed to stay and L.A.Z.O.R. writes down some quick rules for him to follow in order to blend in some civilized society. Then, they give him a group fistbump and head out toward the Agar Taure on their way to Jose Cuervos’lin. As they walk into the red forest known as the Agar Taure, they are slowly separated by a growing mist. Andy rolls his canon dice to decide that they were not actually separated, but he is only successful enough to decide that L.A.Z.O.R. and Lil Justice weren’t separated. In the mist, Lil Justice sees an ethereal spirit bear; his totem. The bear points to a tree stump that has a bearskin cloak and a fang necklace on it. Lil Justice puts them on and feels empowered by the spirit of the bear. The spirit bear then looks over at L.A.Z.O.R. and gives him an awkward wave. Forg sees a ball of light on the ground and goes to pick it up, when he does, it disappears and he feels a pressure on his shoulder as he hears a voice that says “Now, rise…” He feels a well of emotions as he hears this and looks around to see that the fog has cleared and his friends are visible once more. Sapodia reappears wearing white and silver robes asking if anyone else saw a smiling woman in a hood. She is promptly ignored by the rest of the party as they all decide to set up camp. Lil Justice draws a map of the area while the others set up camp. Then, they all go to sleep, except for L.A.Z.O.R. who stands around waiting for something magical to happen to him as he hears the sound of crickets. Eventually, he passes out standing up. The last thing anyone hears is the sound of high-pitched laughter.
S2 Episode 14 – I’m a Horse!
Posted on May 23, 2017
L.A.Z.O.R. awakens to see that the leaves have changed color from red to blue. There are floating balls of light wafting around, but he ignores them as he approaches a tree in the distance. In a knot in the tree, he finds a strange tome covered in spirit crickets. He wipes them away and takes it. The language inside is one he has never seen before, but he is able to read it anyway and it seems to be full of joy and happiness. Reading this tome seems to give him access to new magical abilities (3 cantrips). He returns to the group to see what is going on. Lil Justice awakens completely nude and Sapodia begs him to put his loin cloth back on. Crate wakes up and looks at him, but is unimpressed. Lil Justice dresses himself and they begin looking around to try to figure out where they are. L.A.Z.O.R. surprisingly actually figures out that they have somehow entered the Fey Wilds, which is a magical plane of existence that mirrors their own. While looking for a way home, bunch of corgi dogs wearing saddles who run up and start cuddling L.A.Z.O.R.’s legs. He is delighted by this and attempts to sit on one, but it runs away in pain, unable to handle his massive weight. The corgis all run away and a male fairy flies out of the bushes, pointing a sharpened twig at L.A.Z.O.R. and asking why L.A.Z.O.R. was hurting his steed, Winston. The group explains the situation and asks how they can get home. The fairy introduces himself as Robin Goodfellow and offers to take them home. As he leads them through a fairy village, Lil Justice decides to use his newfound ability to talk to animals. He channels it as they walk and they see a direcorgi (a corgi that is the size of a large bear) howling in the distance. When Lil Justice finishes channeling his spell, he asks Robin Goodfellow’s corgi, Winston, what he knows about this area. Winston simply replies, “I’m a horse!” Instantly realizing that he is not going to get any valuable information from this dog, he turns to Martha and asks her if she knows anything about direcorgis. She says that she has heard legends about really big dogs, but doesn’t seem to know much more. Robin Goodfellow then leads them into a village of mud huts where the streets seem empty. They hear a lot of sound coming from one of the buildings and enter to see a bunch of frog men wearing crowns. The frog men are turned away from them and seem to be cheering on some kind of snail race. As they approach to see what is going on, Lil Justice hears the snails competitively berating each other. Then, a frog man guard comes to the door behind them with his pants down (clearing having come back from the privy) and exclaims that they are intruders. Everyone in the room immediately turns and takes out weapons, saying that the Assblasters should be taken to the king. Out the door, they can see Robin Goodfellow riding away on Winston and calling out, “Good luck, friends!” He had clearly been leading them into a trap. Winston calls out, “I’m a horse!”
S2 Episode 15 – Kafkaesque
Posted on May 31, 2017
The Assblasters are brought to the old ruins of an old stone building and they sit down in a dining hall as all of the frog men begin eating from bowls. One of the frog men suddenly drops face first into his soup and another declares that he is dead. After a moment of silence, the frog men cheer and they all begin to cheer as they exchange crowns. One of them, wearing a quartz crown, identifies himself as “Sir Gorp” with a long series of titles and he explains to them that the frog men have a very structured ranking system based on the value of their crowns. The only way to move up in rank is to kill the frog man directly above you in rank. Part of the game is that they need to make it look like an accident in order for it to count. While they are discussing this, they ask when they’ll see the king and Gorp informs them that the king is very busy. They then see the king peeking his head at them from the other room, but the king quickly hides when he realizes that he has been seen. Another frog woman named Mistress Urga introduces herself and claims to be part of the “outsider outreach committee”, which she admits she just made up on the spot. She explains a bit more about their society when trumpets begin to blare and The Assblasters are called into the king’s room. The group goes into the room to see an incredibly obese frog wearing a brass crown sitting on a chair on top of a large pile of trash. He asks them if they are impressed by his “treasure pile” and they tell him that they are. He asks what they are doing in the Court of Frogs and they explain the situation to him. He admits that he doesn’t know the way out of the Fey Wilds, but says that, now that they have entered the Court of Frogs, they are his guests and he demands a boon from them. While they are trying to find their most worthless possessions to give him, the puzzle box appears on the ground next to L.A.Z.O.R. and the frog king becomes entranced by it. He demands the puzzle box as his gift. L.A.Z.O.R. begins counting down from 3 and prepares to fire his arm cannon, but the frog king offers a nonviolent solution. He says that he will give their puzzle box back if they can retrieve his advisor, Henrietta, who has apparently been kidnapped by goblins. He also demands that The Assblasters capture the goblins and bring them back alive so they can be properly punished. The frog king tells them that Henrietta has black and white hair and a jeweled necklace and he points them in the direction of the goblins’ hideout, warning them that it is booby-trapped. Crate and Martha choose to stay behind with the frog men as the Assblasters head out to retrieve the king’s advisor. .
S2 Episode 16 – Let’s All Hold Hands…
Posted on June 6, 2017
The Assblasters arrive at the ruins of an old temple, which has scorpion statues by the door. As they enter, they see a trip wire with small, damp clothes hanging off of it like a clothesline. They step over the tripwire and walk through the ruins, eventually coming upon a net trap with a goblin sleeping in the net, using it like a hammock. They cut down the net, entangling him in it and attempt to question him. He responds in a language that they don’t understand and doesn’t seem to understand their questions, so they gag him and L.A.Z.O.R. carries him with them. Shortly after, they get to an open hall and see a goblin skip over a raised tile, then open a trapdoor to pull out a chicken leg. The goblin goes over to two statues of scorpions and steps on a different tile, causing the statues to spew flames out of their tails. He uses this fire to roast the chicken, then eats it as he leaves the room. Attempting to follow him, Avi rolls a critical miss, so Forg accidentally steps on one of the tiles, causing a poison dart to shoot him in the arm. Sapodia uses her medical knowledge to squeeze out the poison quickly, so it does less damage than it otherwise would have. The Assblasters then head to the next room, which is a trapped hallway. They see the obese goblin eating chicken as he gets to the door, peeks through a missing brick in the wall, and says something in the goblin language to make another goblin open the door. The Assblasters recognize that the hall is set to have swinging axes go across if they step in the wrong spot, so they run across. Forg makes a heroic leap across and dabs, revealing that the dab is a symbol of victory where he comes from. Then, the group peaks through different holes in the wall, realizing that their heads are coming out where the heads of statues are supposed to be. Forg’s head is on a statue of a sexy lady. Lil Justice’s head is on a statue of a dog. L.A.Z.O.R.’s head is on a statue of a “sexy dog”. They see that this is an old armory that the goblins seem to have turned into a hangout room, complete with makeshift bunkbeds. The two remaining goblins have chained up a goat with black and white fur and a necklace of jewels. It immediately becomes clear that this goat is the “advisor” to the frog king. One of the goblins reaches into a trap hole in the wall to pull out a few poison darts. They begin using the poison darts to play a game of darts with a makeshift bullseye that they had set up. While the goblins are distracted, Forg and Lil Justice try to sneak into the room to capture them, but Lil Justice trips over an old set of armor. L.A.Z.O.R. uses thaumaturgy to make a loud noise in the other direction to keep them distracted, but this only further frightens the goat, which runs off down a dark stairway with the rack that it was chained to. Lil Justice and Forg quickly knock out the goblins and head off into the dark staircase to retrieve the goat.
S2 Episode 17 – Who’s Ready to Drown on Solid Land?
Posted on June 14, 2017
The Assblasters walk down the steps toward the next room, following after the goat while cautiously checking for traps. When they enter the room, they see 5 hungry-looking gnolls (hyena men) who begin to approach them with weapons. The foremost gnoll steps on a switch in the middle of the room and a gelatinous cube drops on top of him, completely engulfing him. Then, the door begins closing behind the Assblasters. Andy says that he wants L.A.Z.O.R. to throw his hat under the closing door Indiana Jones-style. Joe reminds Andy that L.A.Z.O.R. doesn’t have a hat, so Andy decides to roll canon dice to make it so that L.A.Z.O.R. always had a hat. He succeeds, then attempts to throw his hat under the door, but gets a low dexterity roll and immediately loses his hat as it fails to block the door and gets trapped on the other side of the door. L.A.Z.O.R. vows to come back for his hat as the Assblasters begin dispersing to get away from the gelatinous cube. They fight the gnolls and make a strategy of throwing the gnolls into the cube. The gnolls try to fight back, but repeatedly roll critical failures, so they drop their weapons and defecate all over themselves. L.A.Z.O.R. uses his Suggestion spell on one of the gnolls to make it closely investigate the gelatinous cube. The gnoll walks right up to the cube and is quickly engulfed right as he uses his fire canon to light the cube on fire. With that, 4 of the gnolls are defeated and the last one decides to run away, clawing at the door that they came from. Andy attempts to roll canon dice to retroactively say that L.A.Z.O.R. never actually had a hat, but he fails. The Assblasters let the last one run as they move into the following room, which is completely dark aside from some glowing moss on the walls. As they enter, they hear the goat bleating in the distance and are approached by a giant scorpion.
S2 Episode 18 – All Places Are Dungeons. All Monsters Are Dragons.
Posted on June 20, 2017
The Assblasters head into the dark room and are confronted by a huge scorpion. Then, from out of the darkness, two gnolls come in and attack the scorpion. As they hit it, green moss on the walls begins to glow in response to the sounds of their swords hitting its carapace. The scorpion pulls back its tail fires two red laser beams at one of them, leaving a mark on the gnoll’s head and chest. It turns the other one in half with its claws and then the first one begins to run, but the red marks on it begin to glow as a line forms between them and it explodes. The scorpion than begins fighting them. Forg tries getting on its back, but is quickly thrown off. After a tough battle, Lil Justice runs up its back and slashes its tail off, then jams his axe into its head, killing the beast. L.A.Z.O.R. sees the severed tail is giving off a red aura. He goes over to it and puts his arm cannon up to it as his arm transforms to look like a scorpion’s stinger. He gains the scorpion’s ability to lay down red laser mines on targets and their damage compounds exponentially the more he puts on a single target. With the scorpion gone, they hear the goat bleating beyond a stone door on the opposite side of where they entered. L.A.Z.O.R. places two laser mines on the door and cracks it straight across the middle, causing it to collapse. They enter the room and realize that it is a tomb. They see the goat standing next to a sarcophagus with a giant painting of a blue-skinned elf behind it. In the painting, the blue-skinned elf is wearing a golden crown of jewels and holding an axe that looks like a golden scorpion is resting against it with its legs splayed along the blades and its tail being the handle of the axe. An inscription beneath the painting reads, “Here lies Zholoro: last of the Eladrin.” They approach the sarcophagus and see a skeleton in the sarcophagus that clearly belonged to the man in the painting, as it is wearing the same crown and holding the same axe. Lil Justice takes the axe from the skeleton. Feeling dishonorable at the thought of taking from a corpse, Forg places the sword he originally brought with him in the skeleton’s hands. A disembodied voice says, “A fair trade, champion.” L.A.Z.H.O.R. emits a flashing light and siren, referring to this as his “spooky alarm” and informing the party that the disembodied voice is, in fact, spooky. He also decide to take the crown, but they have nothing of value to trade in exchange. Since the voice remains silent, they assume that he is ok with them having it. They grab the goat, go back to get L.A.Z.O.R.’s hat, and then exit through a hidden back door from the scorpion’s room and head back toward the Court of Frogs with their captured goblins and rescued goat in hand.
S2 Episode 19 – A Skeleton May Already Be Inside of Us!
Posted on June 27, 2017
The first of our two-part Halloween-themed session. As the group returns to the Court of Frogs with the goat and goblins in hand, they come upon a spooky mansion. Lil Justice decides to spear a raven with his javelin and eat it. As he is doing this, the goblins awake from their stupor and run off into the mansion. The Assblasters follow the goblins into the mansion and begin hunting for them as they encounter various horror tropes. There is a painting with eyes that follow them and a message written in blood on the ceiling that says “You’ll never leave!” L.A.Z.O.R. sends an illusion down the hallway to open the door, but a spectral scythe comes through the door and cuts it in half. Lil Justice decides to cautiously go down the hallway, which seems to get smaller the further he goes down it. At the end of the hallway, a goblin jumps into Lil Justice’s afro. L.A.Z.O.R. bashes his head on a wall to knock the goblin out and they head down the opposite hallway. They enter a side door to encounter a child’s room with an empty crib and a toybox full of creepy toys. In the toybox, they find the second goblin, trying to blend in with the toys. They knock him out and start hearing noises, so they make Sapodia check under the crib, when a rat runs out from under it. They are then immediately attacked by a creepy ghost baby that was crawling on the ceiling. L.A.Z.O.R. blasts through it and shoots a hole in the ceiling, revealing a view of a bedroom on the second floor. It appears to be a victorian style bedroom with curtains drawn around the bed. The group then goes to the next room, which seems to be a filthy privy with a large hole in the center of the room which seems to go down endlessly into the ground. L.A.Z.O.R. rolls canon dice to decide that he has occasionally been defecating in the dungeons that they have visited. The group then makes its way upstairs to see a ghost facing the wall, holding the third goblin. L.A.Z.O.R. tries to spook it by using thaumaturgy to open all the doors in the hallway, only to reveal that all of the doors were hiding black vortex portals behind them. The ghost turns around, generates a spectral scythe in its hand and begins to charge at them.
S2 Episode 20 – Does It Do Magic Damage?
Posted on July 6, 2017
The conclusion to our two-part Halloween-themed session. The Assblasters battle the faceless ghost in a hallway full of open doors with portals in them; however, they are only able to hurt the ghost with magic damage. L.A.Z.O.R. is able to damage it with his arm cannon and Lil Justice can hurt it with his newly acquired magical scorpion axe. Not having a magical weapon himself, Forg uses his commander strike ability to give his teammates extra attacks. The ghost disappears in one door and comes out of another. After figuring out the pattern of the door portals, they are able to predict the ghost’s movements and gain the advantage, splitting the ghost in half. Then, the ghost’s two halves split up and begin attacking separately. Despite taking some hard hits and accidentally setting the hallway on fire, the Assblasters successfully defeat the ghost and hurry into the room that it was guarding, grabbing the final goblin on the way. They enter the room to discover that it is the bedroom that they saw earlier when they shot through the ceiling downstairs. They see a treasure chest in the corner with a potion of fire-breathing in it and they take the potion. Then, they pull back the curtains around the bed to see a strange cylindrical wooden object. As the fire from the hallway spreads toward the bedroom and smoke begins filling the room, they tear the boards off the windows, but are still blocked by a forcefield. Forg tries throwing the splintery cylindrical wooden object at the window and it seems to drill through the forcefield, shattering it. With the forcefield gone and the room beginning to catch fire, the Assblasters jump out the window. As they fall, Lil Justice slams his axe into the wall, rolling a natural 20 and sliding down the wall gracefully, catching Sapodia in his other arm. L.A.Z.O.R. then decides that he doesn’t trust the cylindrical wooden object, so he blasts it off into the woods. The haunted mansion is fully engulfed in flames and implodes upon itself, disappearing completely before the group finds a nearby alcove and sets up camp for the night.
See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-21-30/