S2 Episode 41 – We’re Not Heroes. We’re Assblasters!
Posted on November 28, 2017
The Assblasters and the king regent attack D’Jay’Kaled with everything that they have in order to keep him from attacking Lady Ellary before she can finish casting the Forbiddance spell. They focus on attacking the devil lord’s hands, hoping to weaken his grip and cause him to fall. Lady Ellary blasts him with a pillar of white flame that burns the nipple off of his forehead, leaving a circle of ash in its place. D’Jay’Kaled destroys the roof of the city, exposing the eclipsed sun and showing his devil army standing at the edge of the city, waiting for him to destroy Ellary so they could mark forward. The people trapped on lower levels watch the battle and cheer for the Assblasters, helpless to do anything else. Lil Justice throws Forg at D’Jay’Kaled’s head and Forg manages to cut off his left horn. He breathes fire on the whole group, completely destroying the king regent and Vaerog, but Lady Ellary heals them right as they are burnt, allowing them to stay alive. She then finally casts the forbiddance spell, obliterating the entire devil army and blasting D’Jay’Kaled into the chasm below. As he falls, he grabs Lady Ellary in one hand the king regent in the other. Vaerog leaps onto one hand and turns the king regent into gas so he safely floats out between the devil lord’s fingers while Lil Justice cuts Lady Ellary free. L.A.Z.H.O.R. then blows off D’Jay’Kaled’s left thumb as he falls into the chasm below, cursing the Assblasters loudly. L.A.Z.H.O.R. smashes his “MF Like Button”, causing celebration music to play and noticing the devil lord’s enormous horn that Forg had cut off. He remembers that, in ancient times, people would burn devil horn as a form of celebration. He transforms his arm cannon into the fire attachment and lights the horn on fire, causing it to burn and let off a purple haze that spreads throughout the entire city, causing everyone in the city to begin a powerful days-long acid trip.
S2 Episode 42 – Satan Staycation
Posted on December 5, 2017
The Assblasters awaken 24 hours after defeating D’Jay’Kaled with fuzzy memories. Lady Ellary reveals that devil lords like D’Jay’Kaled can’t be killed in the mortal realm, because it will just cause their physical form to turn to stone as he is banished back to Hell. They all remember the high priestess used astral projection to fly them to the bottom of the chasm, showing them the statuesque stone remains of the devil lord reaching upward toward the floating city above. She then flew them through Hell, where they see that the city of Eeville has put up signs saying that they will kill outsiders on sight. The devil citizens all have deformed wing bones painfully sprouting from their backs and they are burning effigies of the Assblasters, who they now hate for ruining Bloodmas. Then, they were taken to the caste of the dark wizard, Khalifa, where it is revealed the Tupac Shakur is still alive and he declares that he will never die before they are warped back to the material plane. In the present time, the Assblasters also have a new companion, Bradperson (played by guest player, Max), the Aarakocra warlock who looks like an eagle person. As far as they can all remember, he has been with them the whole time and L.A.Z.H.O.R. is even convinced that they went to Hell for the sole purpose of saving Bradperson. Lady Ellary offers herself up for punishment for violating her imprisonment and leaving her temple. The king regent agrees to pardon her and writes a letter saying that he had requested her assistance. The king regent thanks Vaerog for saving him and asks if Vaerog would be interested in a royal position that involves turning him to gas again occasionally, because he found the experience transcendent. Vaerog says that he will consider it in the future, but turns Praxis into gas in exchange for access to the royal library. Now that they finally have a moment’s respite, Lil Justice chooses to help the people bury their dead and rebuild, before training Winston and Martha to respond to orcish commands. He teaches them “Rrau” means “sit.” It makes Martha sit and makes Winston lay down. “Vrapog” means “run” and they both learn it successfully. “Inras” means “attack”which makes Martha bite and makes Winston do an odd sort of body slam. Vaerog and Bradperson spend the day reading. Forg spends the morning helping the people rebuild the city and bury their dead before spending the evening at a bar, where he is later joined by Bradperson and Lil Justice. L.A.Z.H.O.R. spends the entire day standing on a floating platform in the center of the city defragmenting while frozen in a dabbing position. The drunken Forg aims to get into a fight, but nobody wants to fight the man who just saved their city. The citizens push forward the only person who suggests worshipping D’Jay’Kaled and Forg beats him up. Lil Justice celebrates by throwing a javelin through the dart board, destroying it. Then, they all head back to royal sleeping quarters provided for them by the king regent. Lil Justice brings two elven women with him. L.A.Z.H.O.R. breaks through the door to his room by walking right through it and then falls asleep standing up. Forg is too drunk to make it to the bed, so he passes out on the floor. The others have a nice sleep. Then, in the middle of the night, Bradperson wakes up to use the privy. On his way back, he sees that the torches have been blown out and two shadowy figures with knives are entering Forg and L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s rooms.
S2 Episode 43 – I Dream of Benis
Posted on December 12, 2017
During the episode recap, Joe makes the mistake of asking Niccolo what his character, Vaerog, had been reading about during the previous episode. Niccolo says that Vaerog read about the tale of Benis, the dwarf sorcerer, who lived in a time before villages were connected by roads. Benis apparently saved the villages from ocean drakes by using a spell to summon storms and turn them away. Benis was known for carrying a magical rod, the Rod of Benis, but the stories were warped over the course of time and the true owner of the rod was actually an Elven mage named Pallsac. When the Dwarves conquered the Elves, they erased Pallsac from their history books and Benis got all the credit. Meanwhile, in the present time, Bradperson (played by guest player, Max) approaches the rooms and sees that one of the assassins is a drow monk and the other is a human rogue. The monk goes after L.A.Z.H.O.R. and the rogue goes after Forg. Bradperson rushes to help Forg and casts phantasmal force, creating an illusion of Sapodia and making her attack the rogue. The rogue fights back, but the scuffle causes Forg to awaken and knock out the rogue with a slash of his sword. Meanwhile, the monk attempts to assassinate L.A.Z.H.O.R., but wasn’t prepared to encounter a cyborg. As his knife enters L.A.Z.H.O.R.’s neck, it is obstructed by some gears and he fails to kill L.A.Z.H.O.R., who then wakes up and begins attacking the monk. Seeing that his partner has been defeated, the monk melts into the shadows and runs away, performing a slow fall through the center of the city and leaving through the main gates. The team then ties up the unconscious rogue as a guard comes in to investigate. The guard explains that the assassins are infamous in the area. The pair are known as Peace and Quiet (Peace is the monk and Quiet is the rogue) and they are generally contracted for political assassinations. The Assblasters request that they be allowed to interrogate Quiet themselves. They are allowed to take him to an empty cell in the city’s prison. When he wakes up, Lil Justice immediately rolls a natural 20 on an intimidation check, causing Quiet to be scared into admitting that him and his partner were hired by Lord Durian, the king of the bird people and the one who had initially sent them on the quest. Apparently, Lord Durian was hoping to get rid of them before he would have to pay them their reward. He refuses to give up the location of his partner, but promises to call off the assassination if they allow him to leave. L.A.Z.H.O.R. decides to trust him and blows a hole in the wall for him to escape. He immediately runs out the hole and climbs his way out, but was so scared by Lil Justice that he apparently crapped his pants. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his thaumaturgy to amplify the sound of him crapping himself as he leaps away. Bradperson decides that he doesn’t trust the assassin to keep his word, so he vows to fly after him and keep an eye on the assassins. He bids a tearful farewell to his companions as Vaerog declares him the closest thing to a friend that he has ever had. Then, he flies off into the sunset as L.A.Z.H.O.R. asks if anybody actually knew who Bradperson was.
S2 Episode 44 – You Pay With Hamsters
Posted on December 20, 2017
Having taken a substantial break from playing, Joe the DM offers a point of inspiration to anyone who can correctly list all the items in their inventory. Dax/Lil Justice is the only one who earns a point of inspiration. L.A.Z.H.O.R. wakes up in the morning to see the cylindrical rainbow barrier around the sacred forest outside of his window. He goes into the hall and sees his companions. They are greeted by Crate and Winston. Crate reveals that she smithed a new breastplate for Forg, using the obsidian claw of D’Jay’Kaled that was left behind when L.A.Z.H.O.R. blew off his thumb. Forg accepts it and she tells him that it will give him resistance to fire damage. She says that she also made a metal prosthetic leg for Winston, but he refuses to use it and seems to prefer his makeshift slinky leg. The King Regent then shows up and tells the Assblasters that the city will be throwing a feast in their honor today. First, he takes them out to show them the gilded chariot that was made for them and specially designed to allow Winston to pull it. As he is showing it to them, the deep gnome Stelwik Businessperson, shows up and becomes furious upon seeing that the city has been partially destroyed and the king regent no longer has money to pay him for his crown. The crown would have sold for $5,000 gold, which is the exact amount that is inside the gilded chariot as a gift for the Assblasters. The group discusses and decides to purchase the crown from Stelwik for $2,000 gold. He begrudgingly agrees, having no other options. Then, they go inside the city and the feast begins. The king regent also honors two of the city’s own heroes, Armstrong Dickstrong the elf (who they previously met at the all-male brothel) and Mr. Bucket the halfling. As the group is about to eat, the food on their plates turns to ash and the wine in their cups turns to blood. Lady Ellary bursts into the room and warns them that today is the day of prophecy: Black Friday. The Assblasters are aware the Black Friday is the first sign of the apocalypse; however, they also know that the gods will be offering unbeatable Black Friday deals on magic items today. Apparently, the Black Friday prophecy said that the other signs of the apocalypse were that fire will rain from the sky, a tower will shoot up from the ground connecting the land and the sky, a beast with 10 horns will rise from the sea, brother will fight against brother, and then man will look upon the gods and death shall be upon them. With that, the heroes head out to the sacred forest, where it is predicted that the rainbow barrier around the sacred forest will come down and a divine messenger will appear. Lil Justice tries to remember what he knows about the sacred forest and recalls that there are legends that it contains nymphs and anyone who lays with a nymph will gain incredible strength. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to walk through the barrier, but is blasted back by it and takes some damage. Then, a cubical prism of rainbow light descends from the sky. Out of it, a 20 foot tall red fire-breathing salamander walks out. He introduces himself as the Salarymander and explains that the gods are holding a contest and will give magic items to anyone who can catch a sacred golden hamster. Anyone who kills a hamster will be safely (but dishonorably) warped out of the forest. As he is explaining, many other adventurers are showing up and lining up outside of the forest. The king regent comes up to them and shows them the city’s map of the sacred forest so that they will know the best places to find hamsters. The group then sees a goliath female in magic armor fly in and land close to them. A dark-skinned wood elf male sees that she is exhausted from flying, so he gives her a mana potion. She tells him that she has a boyfriend, but he insists that he was just honoring a fellow warrior. She thanks the knight, but he simply responds, “I’m not a knight. I’m a Patrolman.” The wood elf then goes over to the Salarymander and warns the divine being that a foul beast has invaded the forest. He says that he has no interest in the contest, but that he is here to hunt the beast. The Salarymander allows this and then finally lowers the barrier to the sacred forest as all of the contestants begin to run inside.
S2 Episode 45 – Strength & Booty
Posted on December 27, 2017
The group discusses whether or not the hamsters should instead be hand turkeys in order to fit the Thanksgiving theme. They attempt to roll canon dice on this, but fail the roll, so it is decided that the hamsters are instead wearing costumes to make them look like “foot chickens” (the opposite of hand turkeys). The group then splits up and goes to the different places on the map based on which area suits them best. Forg goes for the swampy marshes that are full of frogs and mosquitoes. As he goes through, he encounters a large 2 foot wide frog and he finds himself surrounded by other frogs who were apparently expecting him. The forest is shaped like a target with an island in the center surrounded by cliffs. L.A.Z.H.O.R. flies to this island and sees an old, fat hamster. He rolls poorly on a wisdom roll to see how much he knows about how tough these hamsters are, so he thinks that it will survive a shot from his hookshot. He attempts to shoot it and just as his hookshot is about to hit, we switch to Vaerog’s perspective. Vaerog heads to the northern part of the forest, known as the gaseous wastes. He uses the gaseous form spell to transform himself into gas in order to get close to the hamsters, but is surprised as two familiar figures appear in the forest behind him. One lets out an unintelligible battlecry and releases a strong gust of wind that blows him away. The perspective switches to Lil Justice, who is headed toward a waterfall surrounded by boulders under which the hamsters apparently burrow. On his way, Winston sees a limping hamster and manages to catch it, but accidentally kills it in the process. Winston the direcorgi is then surrounded by a golden light that lifts him into the air and warps him safely outside of the forest. Lil Justice then hears the sound of a beautiful song and follows the sound to the waterfall where he sees a nymph bathing. Meanwhile, Forg is surrounded by the frogs who all begin to worship him and call him the “chosen one.” Unable to convince them that he isn’t their chosen one, Forg asks for their help in catching a hamster. They take him to the river where they attempt to frogpile onto a hamster, but fail to catch one. Forg then gets mad and leaves the forest with two middle fingers in the air as he is followed by ten frogs who only he can understand. As that happens, L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to hookshot his own hamster, but the female goliath uses her magical lion breastplate to create a black hole which sucks the hamster to her. L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to trap a hamster of his own and then attempts to steal one of hers. She briefly talks with L.A.Z.H.O.R., speaking in a mechanical tone similar to his, but warns him that he shouldn’t get too close because she has a boyfriend. L.A.Z.H.O.R. tries to put her at ease by saying that he has a boyfriend, too. He introduces himself and she says that her name is M.I.C.A.I.H.A.B. (“the Magic Item Collecting Armored… I Have A Boyfriend”). She then awkwardly flies away. Meanwhile, Vaerog wakes up to see that he had been briefly knocked unconscious and there is a hamster sniffing at his bag. He attempts to use an illusion to seduce it with a female hamster, but it seems to be scared off by the illusion. Before it can escape, he casts a sleep spell on it and manages to capture it. Finally, Lil Justice approaches the bathing nymph in the waterfall. The nymph turns around to reveal that she has puppy dog nose and ears. She is embarrassed at first, but quickly seems intrigued by the mortal who has stumbled upon her. She asks to kiss him and he agrees. As she kisses him, he feels the power being drained from him and loses half of his health. She unhinges her jaw and it becomes apparent that she is a succubus. Before she can finish him off, he is rescued by the dark-skinned wood elf who the group had seen earlier. The wood elf introduces himself as Baegon and says that he is a member of an order of Patrolmen from the city of Lydas that is dedicated to slaying beasts that take human shape to seduce men and women, such as harpies, succubi, lamia, and sirens. Lil Justice feels compelled to check on the succubus before Bagon frees him from control. As the succubi emerges, it transforms into a swirling mass of tentacles with the likeness of a woman’s torso on top. Bagon tells him to get himself to safety, but he feels the need to repay his debt to Bagon, so the two fight together to defeat the beast. Bagon is knocked unconscious by the creature’s psychic screech, but Lil Justice barely manages to cut into her with his axe and Bagon regains consciousness long enough to help him finish it off. Bagon thanks Lil Justice for his help and offers to help him capture a hamster. Together, they lift a boulder and Lil Justice uses his Talk to Animals ability to persuade one of the hamsters to come with him by promising it food. He then rolls a critical failure on what it is that he thinks hamsters eat, so he believes that they eat other hamsters, so he takes the hamster to the corpse of the hamster that Winston had killed earlier. Fortunately, it turns out that this hamster in particular actually is a cannibal, so it is overjoyed to eat another hamster and it agrees to come with him. The group all meets up outside of the forest and presents their hamsters to the Salarymander. He brings them inside of his rainbow cubicle, which looks like a rainbow road surrounded by space and stars inside. For each hamster, the Salarymander offers them a choice of either two random magic items or one of the following: an immovable rod, a gourd that can provide infinite rope from one end or infinite water out of the other, a clasp of truth (any mortal who wears it must speak only the truth), a helm of comprehending languages, a hat of disguise, or a master key that can unlock any non-magically locked door. The group decides that they will all speak about it between sessions and come to a decision at the beginning of the next session.
S2 Episode 46 – The War to Come
Posted on January 2, 2018
The Assblasters choose their prizes. Because the episode was recorded after Christmas, Joe the DM offers them an additional potential prize that is a magical mistletoe which will make any two creatures underneath it kiss if they fail a saving throw. The group chooses to take the Immovable Rod and two random prizes. Dax and Niccolo roll for the prizes that their characters won. Lil Justice gets a figurine of wondrous power (silver raven), which will transform into a sentient, obedient raven and allow him to send out messages any time that he wants. Vaerog gets a Pearl of Power, which allows him to regain one spell slot of 3rd or lower level every day. Niccolo decides that the secret command word for his pearl of power is “ADMIN.” The barrier to the sacred forest goes back up and Salarymander floats away into the sky in his rainbow cubicle prism. As they leave, ash begins to fall from the sky and Winston eats a few flakes, believing it to be snow, before coughing them up and attempting to eat more. Bagon says that ash falling from the sky is part of the prophecy of Black Friday. He wishes them farewell and says that he is heading to the coast to get on a ship and hunt down sirens. The Assblasters head back into the capital city, where they finish their feast and ask if anyone knows more about the ash. Nobody seems to know anything, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. puts on his santa outfit and Forg puts santa hats on every one of his ten frog companions (who are riding on the barrel on his back that he got from Harlow Mountainbrew). The group then receives a request to see the King Regent, Praxis Darkstone, in his chambers. When they arrive, they see the young Marquis of Jose Cuervos’lin sitting outside. Squander the jester is inside with shackles on his hands. The King Regent says that the dwarven king has sent a letter demanding punishment for the one who released D’Jay’Kaled and he thinks it would be fitting for the Assblasters to decide how Squander should be dealt with. The dwarven king has said that he would call for the King Regent’s crown if someone wasn’t punished. The Assblasters make a plan to use the spell “Leomund’s Tiny Hut” to pretend that they are sending Squander to an interdimensional prison for 50 years. Then, they will cast invisibility on him so he can walk free and go back home in disguise. Squander agrees to pay them back for this by advising the young marquis to help them if he can. They set up a public stage in the middle of the floating city and Vaerog casts the spell, Leomund’s Tiny Hut, which surrounds Squander and Vaerog with an opaque magical dome. While inside, Vaerog realizes that he seems to be in some kind of log cabin and that there is a third person in there with them. The third person is a human man who looks at them in shock and says, “Who the f*** are you?!”
S2 Episode 47 – As Much as You Want, Sir
Posted on January 9, 2018
Vaerog realizes that something has gone wrong with his spell and, instead of a blank interdimensional space, he and Squander have actually been transported inside the home of a very confused man named Leomund. Vaerog attempts to explain that Squander is a criminal and Vaerog has taken him here for punishment, but this only concerns Leomund more, and he repeatedly urges them to leave his house. Vaerog manages to successfully cast invisibility on Squander and they leave the hut. Vaerog promises it will be better next time he comes back and Leomund yells at him to never come back. With Vaerog and invisible Squander returned to material plane, the people of the city clap, believing that Squander has been banished. Squander sneaks off while invisible as the King Regent thanks them for their help and asks for Vaerog to turn him into gas one more time. Vaerog does so as he bids them farewell. As they are leaving the city, they are confronted by Lady Ellary, who tells them that she knows what they did and she thinks it was kind of them. She is disturbed to learn that Vaerog’s spell took him into someone’s home and she warns them that the barriers between reality seem to be blurring. She wishes them good luck as they leave, getting into the golden chariot as Forg takes the reigns and Winston pulls them back through the plains, past the buttes, and into the Agar Taure. As they go through, they see that some of the trees have red leaves, but others have blue leaves like in the Fey Wild, and even more have purple leaves. As they go through the purple forest, they encounter Robin Goodfellow in the road. The fairy and former master of Winston seems to be down on his luck and ragged, but he looks hopeful on seeing Winston. He berates the Assblasters for causing Winston to lose a leg and for using him to pull their carriage. Robin Goodfellow attempts to convince Winston to be his steed once more. Winston seems to be considering it, but then borks at Robin Goodfellow, knocking him into a tree and pulling the carriage past him as Robin Goodfellow says, “…Did he just call me a prick?…” Inspired by his decision to stay with them, Lil Justice later tells Winston the truth, that Winston isn’t actually a horse. Winston seems very disappointed, but thanks him for telling the truth. They later pass the three goblins who they met the last time that they went to the Fey Wilds. The goblins now all have misshapen heads and one is still wearing the crown that Forg gave him. They are cooking a fish over a campfire and begin waving to the carriage until they see L.A.Z.H.O.R. and run for their lives. Lil Justice jumps off the carriage and steels the fish that they were cooking as he devours it. They continue through the forest, coming upon a very obvious net trap in the road. Once they stop the chariot, they are surrounded by the frog men from the Court of Frogs, armed with spears. Forg quickly takes Stelwik Businessperson’s crown from L.A.Z.H.O.R., puts it on his head, and names himself their new king. With a natural 20 roll, he successfully persuades them that he is (once again) their king. King Gorp runs out of the forest, accompanied by his goat advisor, Henrietta. from the forest. Gorp seems to have gained 50 pounds since they last saw him two weeks earlier and he is furious that he has once again been usurped. Forg commands the frog men to disable the trap and carry away (former) King Gorp. One of the frog men says that he doesn’t know how to disable the trap, so he jumps inside it and lets it capture him instead. They ride away as Gorp promises vengeance and L.A.Z.H.O.R. shoots down the frog man trapped in the net, who follows after his peers. As the group is leaving the forest, the players roll canon dice to attempt to make something from one of their other campaigns canon. With a middling roll, the group sees some strange weed-like ferns on the side of the road. When a soft breeze flows through them, the group hears a faint sound that is strongly reminiscent of Snoop Dogg’s intro part in the song “The Next Episode.” The group then exits the forest and sees the Elven clerk from Oakfen’s mages’ guild, Patience. She is kneeling before a sproutling of a tree that was planted as a grave marker for Dunder. She gives them a nod and they proceed toward Oakfen, which has had its burnt walls replaced with fresh logs and its fields thoroughly plowed. They see Biclops the cyclops pulled four plows on his back. He sees the group and forgets what he is doing, running toward them and tearing up the crops with the plows. He invites them into his hut where he reveals that he is now living with the priest and the farmer who he had previously kidnapped (Nystra & Destro) and that he has been living according to the rules that L.A.Z.H.O.R. wrote down for him last time they met. Nystra reveals that the Lord Witness, Bellis Diamondback, has put the former guard captain, Terrill, in prison for assaulting him and the Assblasters agree to help break him out of jail.
S2 Episode 48 – You Could ‘Abraham Lincoln’ This
Posted on January 16, 2018
The group plans how best to get Vaerog into the city so he can break Terrill out of the city. They eventually settle on having him disguise himself as a dwarven nobleman who is a cousin of Bellis Diamondback. He brings Lil Justice’s silver raven figurine (which is apparently named “Simon”), promising to send it back to them if he gets in trouble and needs help. He makes his way to Bellis’ tower and is confronted by Bellis himself. Vaerog doesn’t recognize him at first and claims to be his cousin, Jasper Diamondback, son of Samulus and Lytralda. After a tense conversation, Bellis seems to be convinced and invites Vaerog to go to a play with him called “Ormir & Julinna”. Meanwhile, the other Assblasters remain in Biclops’ house, where Forg drinks heavily and Biclops plays a game that is similar to Mastermind with L.A.Z.H.O.R. While they wait, a villager visits and brings ingredients for a communal stew that they are planning to share with Biclops. When the villager sees Forg, he pulls out a knife, believing Forg to be one of the “trash frogs” who have apparently been mugging/robbing villagers in the last week and taking their trinkets. Nystra and Destro talk him out of attacking and he leaves. That is when Forg notices that one of his little forg buddies has jumped in front of him to protect him. It is a one-eyed frog that he affectionately names “Fetty Woop.” The frog is ecstatic to be given a name by the chosen one. Forg then speaks to his ten little frog buddies in an attempt to find out why they think he is the chosen one. He doesn’t discover much other than the fact that he looks sort of like them, but sort of like the gods (humanoid) and they think that makes him something in between the two groups. The Assblasters are then visited by Patience, the elven clerk from the mages’ guild. After making a joke about people wandering in and out of Biclops’ hut as if he is Seinfeld, Avi rolls canon dice to retroactively name the previous villager Kramer, because they decided that the term “trash frog” was racist against frog people. She asks what they are doing there while Forg sees one of his frog buddies with a heart shape on its back as it pulls on his pant leg and encourages him to kiss her. Forg ignores this as Patience discovers their plan and warns them that Vaerog is in great danger. At the same time, two guards come and stand directly behind Vaerog with their spears at the ready as the stage curtains pull back and Bellis shushes him, smiling and saying, “It’s starting…”
S2 Episode 49 – Yes, We Are! No, We’re Not. Are We?
Posted on January 24, 2018
Joe the DM establishes with Niccolo that Vaerog must be carrying around his wizard staff if he wants to be able to cast spells, so he decides that he has disguised it as a walking stick. Bellis Diamondback attempts to get him to hand over his walking stick, but he manages to persuade Bellis to let him keep it. Meanwhile, the rest of the group receives a letter from Bellis Diamondback informing them that he knows they’re in the city and inviting them to see a live execution at the play. Patience warns them that he has filled the theatre with guards and mages, that he had the imprisoned former guard captain Terrill moved underneath the stage, and and that this is an obvious trap. She says that the most powerful mage in the city will be there. His name is Drandir and he is Dunder’s father, so he blames the Assblasters for his son’s death. Patience says that she was kicked out of the city walls for assigning Dunder to them. The group decides that the best way to handle the situation is to infiltrate the play and replace the cast of the play with themselves, using Patience’s magic to keep them disguised. After successfully sneaking backstage, the other actors assume that this is all part of Bellis’ plan, so they don’t argue and the Assblasters are freely able to replace them on stage. L.A.Z.H.O.R. plays the leading lady, the elf named Julinna, Lil Justice plays the leading man, the dwarf named Ormir. Forg plays the disapproving nursemaid as the two star-crossed lovers meet. After a predictably awful performance, L.A.Z.H.O.R. wanders into the orchestra pit looking for an entrance to get underneath the stage, then they call Vaerog onto stage to join them. Bellis is clearly not fooled by their ploy and tells the guards to start surrounding the stage as Vaerog and L.A.Z.H.O.R. go backstage, put one of the guards to sleep and find the secret entrance to get under the stage. As they approach the chained-up Terrill, He warns them that this is a trap and they should get out while they still can. Immediately after, the platform beneath L.A.Z.H.O.R., Terrill, and Vaerog raises them all onto the stage next to Lil Justice and Forg as the Bellis slow claps and walks down the aisle. The entire front row stands up and pulls out pikes from beneath their seats as guards pour in from the back, surrounding the Assblasters.
S2 Episode 50 – Zero Initiative
Posted on January 30, 2018
The Assblasters are approached by the guards as L.A.Z.H.O.R. attempts to stay in character. When the guards try arresting them, Lil Justice attacks the guard captain and the others join in. L.A.Z.H.O.R. uses his fire cannon to lay down two patches of fire on the entrances to the stage, but the guards get past it before it can hurt them. Forg manages to knock out one of the guards, but she is revived by a healer that is hidden somewhere in the building. The group gets hit with a silence spell, but L.A.Z.H.O.R. and Vaerog manage to escape its area of effect. L.A.Z.H.O.R. runs straight for Bellis Diamondback who begs the mage, Drandir, to get him out of there. Drandir touches him and he disappears. Vaerog suspects that Bellis isn’t really gone, so he uses the Detect Thoughts spell and reads Drandir’s mind to determine that Bellis is actually just invisible, but still present. Forg knocks out the same guard a second time and L.A.Z.H.O.R. examines the orchestra pit to notice that, while most of the orchestra is cowering in fear, one of them is still suspiciously playing their instrument. As L.A.Z.H.O.R. discovers the bard impostor, his fire spots spread across the sides of the stage and the curtains catch fire.
See the next 10 episode summaries: https://dndbags.com/episode-summaries/s2-episode-summaries/s2-ep-51-60/