Here we have full episode summaries. Maybe you want to jump into current content without listening to 75+ hours of podcast. Maybe you want to read the story to decide if it’s something you’d be interested in listening to. Maybe you’re trying to find a specific joke or scene that you liked and need to look at summaries to figure out which episode it happened. Maybe you don’t enjoy listening to battles and just want to hear the RP sections. Or maybe you just like reading. I don’t know. If you feel like reading them for whatever reason, then they’re here for you. Spoilers below (obviously).
Season 1 Complete Summary:
Frankie the Dungeon Master narrates the quest as Aati the tiefling paladin (played by Joe) and Illum the wingless Aasimar paladin (played by Andy) are completing their training to be paladins for the Dwarven god, Moradin, in the town of Tarnstead. On the day of their initiation, the head of their temple, Marius, tried to initiate them into a secret order known as the Sentinels and they each received a magical amulet. Before they could find out what the Sentinels were, a cult known as the Sons of the Scourge attacked and destroyed their temple. They managed to survive and headed out to warn the other temples of Moradin about the Sons of the Scourge and the cult’s leader, the tiefling warlock named Malexxis. They sent out ravens and headed to the nearby city of Elmoor. Along the way, they met Long Dong Silver (the performing brothel donkey), as well as Carl the Gruel Man (a half-orc chef), and Shah-Pu Ki-Pa Longperson (the shady halfling who tried to rob them while he was allegedly under an enchantment), who all joined Aati & Illum on their quest. Aati revealed to the others that he was a “split soul” and that his spirit was once part of a deity or extraplanar being and that the deity split itself into multiple parts, so there is someone else in the world who contains the other half of Aati’s soul. He hopes to someday find that person so that they can both be complete. When they got to Elmoor, they met Elmoor’s head brother, Vashenn the Dwarven drunkard. Aati beat Vashenn in a drinking contest and convinced him to send out an army to the temple in the city of Cacot in order to protect the temple. The drunken Aati stumbled into the son of a councilman, Pabarel Darkstone, who challenged him to a deathmatch. On the day of the deathmatch, Long Dong Silver accidentally entered the arena and Pabarel’s champion, Nemestraehi, killed the donkey. Then, Aati & Illum defeated Nemestraehi, which caused him to explode, destroying the arena, killing hundreds of people, and awakening some kind of shadow powers in Aati, which he used to destroy Nemestraehi when he reappeared. Aati & Illum then found Pabarel Darkstone amidst the rubble, brought him back to the temple, and revived him. Pabarel blamed them for the arena explosion and the Elmoor paladins took them to the dungeons where they awaited their trial.
Episode 1 – Drink Your Thirst
Posted on August 13, 2015
In our first ever episode, Frankie the DM introduces Aati (played by Joe) and Illum (played by Andy). Aati is a Tiefling (humanoid with devil ancestry) and Illum is an Aasimar (humanoid with angelic or “celestial” ancestry), though he has no wings as Aasimars usually do. Both of them are paladins in the service of the Dwarven god Moradin and they have come to the town of Tarnstead to join an order known as the Hammers of Moradin. Today is the day of their initiation into the order. The head brother at the monastery, Marius, leads them to their sparring partners: Lane the human and Tristan the dwarf. Aati fights Lane and Illum fights Tristan. After a series of terrible rolls, Aati is knocked unconscious by Lane, but Illum revives him and they manage to defeat their respective opponents. When they get to their bunks, they each find notes inviting them to join an elite group called the “Sentinels” and telling them to come to the garden the next day. In the morning, they discuss their letters as they eat their morning gruel. Illum puts his leftover gruel in his pocket, accidentally getting gruel all over his note, and they go to the garden together, where they see Marius. Marius sends them to the local village of Tarnstead, where they meet the armorer, Kristoff, who gives them their armor and warhammers. Kristoff tells him he’ll give them additional weapons if they agree to forgive his debt to the temple. They do so. Aati chooses to take a small regular hammer and Illum takes a knife and they head back toward their monastery to begin their initiation into the Sentinels.
Episode 2 – Dingus Parade
Posted on August 20, 2015
Joe complains that he finds it unrealistic that Kristoff had armor exactly in their sizes despite the fact that most paladins of Moradin are Dwarves and they are much larger than dwarves. Frankie the DM decides to run with this and inform Joe that his character, Aati, actually does not fit into his armor and it does not cover his groin, leaving his penis only covered by cloth. Because of this, they decide to roll for the size of Aati’s dong. He successfully rolls for 8 inches and Frankie makes him roll percentage dice to determine how erect he is and decides that he will do this at key moments for the rest of the campaign (and he does). On the way back to their temple, it is approaching dusk and Aati & Illum are attacked by some rabid wolves. When Frankie sets up tokens and tiles for a battle, Joe and Andy reveal that they had figurines of themselves 3D-printed and they want to use them as their character pieces. Frankie agrees. As this is Aati & Illum’s first real fight, they miss repeatedly and seem to be falling all over the wolves, but eventually managed to eke out a very messy win.
Episode 3 – I am the Snake Man
Posted on August 27, 2015
Aati & Illum finally return to the monastery and tell Marius that they agreed to forgive Kristoff’s debt in exchange for their side weapons. Marius angrily reveals that Kristoff was 2,000 gold in debt to the temple and that the knife and small hammer don’t nearly cover it, but he quickly forgets about it when they mention encountering wolves on the path, which strikes him as extremely odd. Marius asks them to enter an underground crypt and retrieve two pendants for him, which he says that he will enchant for them and make them official Sentinels. Aati & Illum then explore the crypt, avoiding traps to discover an ancient chest. They open it to discover a magic hammer, which once belonged to the Dwarven hero Turris. It does additional damage to undead (+1d8) and can release an extra accurate attack (+1d6 to hit) once per day. They also discover a shield with an eye and hammer symbol on it that raises the user’s AC perception, and initiative by 1 point each. The two are both eager to be able to protect the other one, so they argue over who gets the shield. Andy gets the higher dice roll, so Illum gets to take the shield while Aati takes the hammer. Afterward, they approach an altar that has two amulets on it. Behind the altar is a statue of a Dwarven figure with three faces that is twice their size. They try to take the amulets, but they are blocked by an energy field and immediately attacked by the statue. After a dangerous battle, they manage to crush all three faces, defeating the statue and causing it to crumble to rubble. They take the amulets and begin to leave the dungeon, but not before it starts collapsing around them.
Episode 4 – Damn You, Mercedes!
Posted on September 2, 2015
The exit to the dungeon is suddenly blocked by falling debris from the ceiling as the dungeon is quickly collapsing around Aati & Illum. Illum is knocked out by falling debris, but quickly revived by Aati, whose erection has now softened enough that it causes Illum to wake up out of sheer concern. The two work together to move the boulder that is now blocking the entrance. They aren’t strong enough on their own, but they both roll the same number on their strength check, which activates the amulets that they just picked up from the altar, causing the amulets to glow in their pockets and giving them the strength to move the boulder. As they get out into the open air, they discover that the temple is under attack by cultists. They see Marius and other disciples of Moradin holding back the door, but the door explodes from a magic blast, blasting back Marius and all of those who were holding it as cultists enter the room, led by a floating tiefling warlock. Aati & Illum attempt to revive Marius only to discover that he is already dead. They look over to see the Tristan, who is unconscious, but still breathing. They attempt to revive him, but are unable to do so. They carry his body to the exit, but the leader of the cultists, Malexxis, shoots a powerful purple fire spell at them, which blasts them out the door. Their amulets seem to protect them from certain death, but they are still knocked out for several hours. Aati & Illum are awoken hours later by Lane who was checking to see if they were alive. They discover that Tristan is missing and the monastery is destroyed. Lane agrees to go looking for Tristan, while Aati & Illum decide to go to Tarnstead to send out ravens to warn the other monasteries of the attack. After their recent wolf attack, they decide to stay off the main road on the way to the village. As they are on their way, they see more cultists along camped out and patrolling the forest. Aati tries to use thaumaturgy cantrip to throw his voice and distract them while Aati & Illum sneak past. Unfortunately, their heavy armor causes them to fail their sneak rolls and one of the cultists notices them, pointing them out to the others, who prepare to attack. It is then revealed to our players that their struggles have allowed Aati & Illum to level up, so they are both now level 2.
Episode 5 – GRAPPLE
Posted on September 11, 2015
Having been discovered, Aati & Illum fight the cultists. Illum manages to kill two in the struggle before the duo is outnumbered. While their plate armor makes them extremely difficult for the cultists to damage with conventional attacks, the cultists are able to bypass the armor by using spell attacks, which are extremely effective against the two paladins. Aati & Illum consider escaping, but they hear more people running in the other direction and they can’t tell if the other sounds are friend or foe, so they keep fighting. Eventually, Aati is knocked out and revived (twice). As the battle gets desperate, our heroes realize that the marching sounds don’t seem to be getting any closer or further away. They theorize that the marching sounds must be an illusion caused by one of the cultists using thaumaturgy. While they can’t be positive that it’s an illusion, they have to take the chance, so they flee. Thinking quickly, Illum uses his Command spell to command one of the cultists to grapple another one. In the confusion, the two paladins barely manage to escape.
Episode 6 – Forget the Rookery, Where are the Hookers?
Posted on September 17, 2015
Aati & Illum make it to the village of Tarnstead only to find two weary guards blocking their path at the edge of the village. They manage to convince the head guard, Dek’lan, that they aren’t affiliated with the cultists and he agrees to let them pass. When they get into the village, they discover that it has also been attacked. Multiple buildings are burnt or destroyed, but others are still standing. They aren’t able to find the rookery, so they head to Kristoff’s smithy, only to find that Kristoff has abandoned it. While they’re there, they discover a trap door to a cellar and a teenage halfling named Tayoris who is hiding in it. Illum doesn’t care to remember his name, so he just starts calling him “Ted”. They convince Ted to come out and escort him to his home, which has been destroyed. In the ruins of Ted’s house, they are attacked by two imps. The imps prove very difficult for them to kill, because they’re already heavily wounded from their battle with the cultists, but they do manage to win. Ted is surprised by their brutality against the imps and he questions the nature of good and evil as he smokes some devilgrass. Aati explains that you can easily categorize creatures as good or evil based on their race (i.e. halfings = good, goblins = bad). Badly in need of a rest and also looking for a way to cheer up Tayoris, they decide to rest at an inn and bring Tayoris with them so they can pay for him to sleep in a warm bed. Unfortunately, neither of them knows the difference between a brothel and an inn, so they ask Tayoris to lead them to the brothel.
Episode 7 – A Place to Rest Their Heads
Posted on September 24, 2015
Aati & Illum arrive at the brothel, known as “The Imp and the Serpent”, which is ironically shaped like a raven. They find the door locked, but Tayoris uses a secret knock and the door unlocks for them. Upon entering the building, the speak to Famarel, the headmistress, and purchase two rooms for the night (one for them and one for Tayoris). While there, they discover that Tayoris is a regular at this brothel. Everyone here seems to know him and they also refer to him as “Ted”. Aati & Illum manage to allow a LOT of innuendo go completely over their heads on the way to their room, still believing that they are at a regular inn. They are accompanied by two female prostitutes who attempt to get into their room with them, but Aati & Illum obliviously wish them good night and close the door in their faces. Aati reveals that his Del’Tassi was an all-male monastery. The two hear a knock on the door and are greeted by two male prostitutes who offer to stay with them, but they say that they aren’t interested and close the door. They take off their armor and meditate as Aati covers his body with ritual oils. Then, there is a second knock at the door. They are greeted by a donkey with a note that says, “This is our most exotic package ❤ Olga.” Believing that they are being offered a noble steed, they let the donkey into their room, planning to purchase it the following morning and naming it “Long Dong Silver.” The paladins get into their bed and begin talking about their pasts. Illum was a hermit traveling in the woods before he met a monk who showed him the ways of Moradin and convinced him to become a paladin. Aati was a vagabond as a child until he was taken in by the brothers of Del’Tassi, who nicknamed him “Brother Horny” (a name which he hated). Eventually, the head brother, Brother Chadwick, encouraged Aati to go to Tarnstead to join the Hammers of Moradin and he did. In the morning, they are greeted by Tayoris as a parade of people walk out of his room, thanking him for a great night. Aati & Illum attempt to purchase Long Dong Silver only to discover that the donkey’s not wasn’t FROM Olga, but that the donkey WAS Olga. Unsatisfied with this name, they decide to rename the donkey Long Dong Silver and the donkey seems vaguely responsive to the name, which they take as a good sign. They are given a bill, only to discover that it is extremely high due to Ted’s many “purchases” from the previous night. Aati thinks that he was paying those people for their friendship and tells him that is no way to make true friends. Aati & Illum promise to be Ted’s true friends and to do everything those people did for Ted, except they’ll do it for free, not having any idea what kind of depraved things they are offering to do for Ted.
Episode 8 – The Frock is Brown
Posted on October 2, 2015
With their new donkey in tow, Aati & Illum head to the rookery to deliver ravens to the other nearby temples of Moradin. As they approach, they see that the rookery is a tall, purple stone tower in the shape of a penis or a naked woman, depending on which way you look at it. When they arrive at the rookery, they discover that it has already been ransacked. There is only one raven left and it is sitting on a windowsill. Illum plays a song on his lyre to entice it closer, fearing that it will fly out the window. After playing his song, the raven speaks and compliments him on his song before transforming into a Drow woman named Bekela. She reveals herself to be the one in charge of the ravens. She had apparently been using her magic to control the ravens and make them send the messages, but she was controlling them with a “focus stone” which was taken by the Sons of the Scourge. She says that she needs Aati & Illum to either retrieve the old one from the cultists or find a new one in order to deliver their message. She suggests that there may be one among the druids in the nearby forest. They remember that the nearest temple of Moradin is to the West, through the forest, in the city of Elmoor. When asked if she could fly herself to send a message in raven form, she reveals that she has a fear of spiders and that giant spiders often snatch birds out of the air above the forests around Tarnstead. Aati admits that he is also arachnophobic and Illum shares that he has a fear of bears. Bekela warns them of the dangerous spiderbears that, of course, occupy the forest and the paladins head into the forest to retrieve a focus stone for her. Before long, they are, of course, attacked by a spiderbear, which sticks their legs to the ground with shots of spiderweb. They call Long Dong Silver over to eat away the spiderweb, but the donkey just starts licking Illum inappropriately. Illum eventually manages to break free from his spiderweb, but is too frightened to approach the spiderbear. Aati casts heroism on him and he weakens the bear, giving Aati the courage to fight alongside him. Together, they manage to defeat the spiderbear and continue their search for the druids and the focus stone.
Episode 9 – Fun Donkey
Posted on October 7, 2015
Aati & Illum meet the ranger, Telfor, and his wolf companion, Inaba. Illum becomes suspicious of Long Dong Silver’s overly amorous behavior and finally pieces together that the donkey’s former occupation at the brothel definitely mixed business with pleasure, but Aati manages to persuade him that Long Dong Silver is just a regular donkey. The paladins camp with Telfor and unsuccessfully attempt to convert him to become a worshiper of Moradin, Then, he teaches Illum a little bit about communing with animals and tells them how he came to travel with Inaba after spiderbears killed the rest of her pack. Finally, he leads them to a clearing where they see the elven druid, Dehalam. They speak to Dehalam, who tells them that they can find a focus stone in a nearby cave “where life ebbs and flows”. Dehalam casts a spell that causes the wind to push them in the right direction and Telfor offers to go with them as they follow the wind toward their destination.
Episode 10 – Made Up Poopy Language for Baby Children
Posted on October 15, 2015
Aati & Illum are on their way to their destination when the wolf, Inaba, runs ahead and Telfor follows after her, separating from the two paladins. Aati & Illum later find the cave to discover that it is emanating a toxic blue mist. They enter and begin exploring, seeing painted symbols on the wall. Aati recognizes the symbols and realizes that they are in a druid crypt. After taking some damage from the toxic blue mist, they make themselves makeshift masks from torn cloth and put them over their mouths. Then, they discover a skeleton that has been raised from the dead by some kind of necromancy which seems to be filled with the power of the blue mist. After rolling a critical miss, Aati gets his hammer stuck in the skeleton’s rib cage and it bites him. With Illum’s help, he manages to use his foot for leverage and tear the skeleton in half, defeating it. Aati continues attacking the corpse out of anger until Illum stops him. Then, they throw a shroud over its body and Aati says a prayer, revealing that the only prayer he was ever taught at Del’Tassi was “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, Moradin!” They continue down a staircase and fight through another skeleton and a ghost. The ghost causes roots to come out of the ground and hold Aati’s feet to the floor before it is defeated. Aati then feels Long Dong Silver nibbling at the roots and they realize he has been following them this whole time. The two paladins make him his own mask to protect him from the toxins, but he keeps gagging himself with it and they are pretty creeped out. As they approach the next staircase, they are greeted by Inaba the wolf, who is alone and seems to have been separated from Telfor.
Episode 11 – The Ballad of Snake Beard
Posted on October 21, 2015
Inaba the wolf approaches the paladins carrying Telfor’s potions in her mouth. There are 6 potions: 2 health (red), 2 mana (blue) and 2 disease/poison (green). Inaba nudges the pack toward them, so they think she wants them to take it. They split the potions equally between themselves so they both have one of each type. Aati drinks his mana potion, they store the remaining potions in their packs, and then they tell Long Dong Silver to stay behind as they head down into the final chamber. Aati & Illum encounter the body of Telfor laying before a bearded devil with snakes coming from its chin. The devil asks who they are. Aati replies that they are paladins and it immediately attacks them. The devil gets a critical hit on Aati, knocking him unconscious, but Illum quickly revives him and proceeds to chug both his mana potion and his health potion right in its face. They seem to be winning until it raises Telfor from the dead and commands him to attack them. Telfor begins shooting them from behind as he fires arrows at their backs. They refuse to attack the body of their dead ally and focus their attacks on the devil, who begins trying to escape and teleports away from them. In their righteous fury, the two paladins prevent the devil’s retreat and kill it, causing Telfor’s body to drop to the floor as well. They cut off 9 snake heads from its beard and take 10 golden rings off of the snakes as well as the devil’s black satiny robes and the focus stone that it was using for its necromancy.
Episode 12 – Roll for Snake Charming
Posted on October 28, 2015
Aati & Illum bury the body of Telfor and perform an informal funeral for him outside of the druid crypt. Standing over his grave, they each take solemn oaths of Devotion, swearing to do whatever they could to avoid losing any more friends. Their amulets begin glowing in their pockets and they finally stop to examine them. The two amulets look like two halves of a heart and the pieces fit together. Illum convinces Aati that they look like a butt. The two decide to wear the butt medallions around their necks. Then, they return to the druid Dehalam, who cleanses their focus stone of the evil that the bearded devil had desecrated it with. Inaba the wolf chooses to stay with Dehalam and they bid farewell to Aati, Illum, & Long Dong Silver as our heroes head back to the village of Tarnstead to return their newly acquired focus stone to Bekela. Aati, Illum, & Long Dong Silver return the focus stone to Bekela so that she can send out the messages. Aati & Illum remember that the other temples of Moradin are all near the major cities of Khelukkhaz, Cacot, Waleah, and Elmoor, as well as the temple of Del’Tassi where Aati came from. Khelukkhaz is north of Tarnstead, by some mountains and is surrounded by ancient ruins. Cacot is east of Tarnstead by a river. Waleah is south by a castle. Elmoor is west of Tarnstead by a lake. Bekela informs them that it is traditional to send messages in the form of haikus. Aati & Illum write up haikus and send them out to warn the other monasteries about the Sons of the Scourge and decide that they should head to the nearby town of Elmoor (the closest temple of Moradin) next and prepare to head out.
Episode 13 – Yes And
Posted on November 5, 2015
Aati & Illum decide to stop in at the local brothel for a well-earned lunch. They arrive there and ask the madam about Long Dong Silver’s backstory, but don’t learn much aside from the fact that he was born there and apparently had a successful regular show that he starred in. They are fed some low-quality gruel, but are so impressed by it that they demand to meet the chef. A half-orc with a ridiculous underbite comes out and introduces himself as Carl, the Gruel Man. With a natural twenty dice roll, they manage to persuade Carl to come with them on their journey and be their personal chef. The group heads to a nearby store to see if they can buy some goods. They meet the shopkeep (the same halfling who said “Hello!” in a high-pitched voice to them at the brothel). He uses their loot from the bearded devil to craft them a magical teleport ring and two snake belts that give them +2 to dexterity and intelligence saving throws. He also draws them a map of the nearby areas. As they leave for the town of Elmoor, Aati shares his secret with them. During his meditations, he had seen a vision of a powerful extraplanar being that had split itself into two parts. One of the pieces went into Aati and he has been searching for the person who contains that other piece. When he had revealed this to the head brother of Del’tassi, Brother Chadwick had encouraged Aati to go out and to get into a “missionary position”, which he had taken literally and headed out to Tarnstead to join the Hammers of Moradin. Aati says that he immediately feels a strong connection to Carl and suspects that Carl may be his “soul brother”. Aati resolves to find a way to complete this bond between them. As they set up camp and prepare for dinner, they are approached by three horned men as the leader screams in infernal, “Where are they?”
Episode 14 – Monster’s Ball Z
Posted on November 12, 2015
The group is attacked by three devils (one blue devil and two gray devils) on the road who demand that they be given the amulets. Aati tries to speak to them in the Infernal language, which is apparently a language composed entirely of musical scatting, but the devils quickly give up trying to communicate and simply attack. Aati & Illum have a tough fight where they are nearly overpowered while Carl continues to cook his gruel, seemingly oblivious to the battle going on behind him. The blue-skinned leader of the devils charges up a powerful spell, but Aati & Illum’s amulets reflect the blast at him, stunning him. One of the gray devils transforms into a boar-like beast, but Illum manages to kill it before it can take any further actions and Aati manages to lamely kill the remaining devil. Aati & Illum tie the unconscious blue devil to a tree and feed him some gruel to wake him up, hoping to interrogate him to find out who sent the devil and what they are after.
Episode 15 – Skibbity Bo Bop!
Posted on November 18, 2015
Aati attempts to get information from the blue devil, but it doesn’t seem to be very cooperative. They threaten to have Long Dong Silver work him over and the devil confesses that he can’t say who sent him or why. He says that he will suffer a fate worse than death if he tells them anything about his purpose and that he is doing this against his will. He was told to get their amulets, though he doesn’t know anything about the amulets. They look through the devil’s possessions and take 200 gold and a mysterious gem from them. Aati & Illum feel bad about the idea of killing an opponent that is now defenseless, so they plan to leave him tied up and loosen the ropes as they leave so he can eventually escape when they’re long gone. Satisfied that they have gotten all the information that they can, Aati & Illum sit down and eat some gruel prepared by Carl the Gruel Man as they attempt to learn more about Carl’s past; however, there doesn’t seem to be much to Carl beyond his love of gruel and he confesses to never having eaten any non-grueld foods. Illum asks to learn some infernal phrases. Aati teaches him, “Skibbity bo bop!” which means “Please stop attacking me!” Once they have eaten, they suddenly discover that the devil has cut its ropes and escaped. The two realize that their campground is no longer safe, as the devil will likely return for revenge. They head off and discover a cabin nearby in the woods. They are let in by an old fisherman named Raina P. Laudenslager, who gives them shelter for the night. Illum tries to use the Detect Good and Evil spell to determine his intentions, but his detection is clouded by the evil emanating from the gem that they took from the devil. They decide it is safe to trust the old man and stay. There are two rooms available, so Carl the Gruleman and Long Dong Silver share one room. Aati & Illum take off their armor and share the other room for the night. Then, Aati is awoken to discover a knife at his throat. He breathes a sigh of relief when he realizes that it is actually Illum’s knife and Illum was just playing a prank on him. Then, the two realize there is a second knife is at Aati’s throat and look up in shock to see that it is being held by the blue devil who had escaped from their campsite earlier. The devil slashes the knife at the string holding Aati’s amulet as Illum screams out the only infernal phrase that he knows: “Skibbity bo bop!”
Episode 16 – A Rainbow With All of the Colors
Posted on November 26, 2015
Aati gets the amulet cut from around his neck and begins fighting the devil. He grabs the amulet off of the floor and tucks it in his loincloth as he. & Illum battle the devil, desperately trying to get their equipment while avoiding the devil’s attacks. Illum blocks the door with his knife as the devil uses an illusion to make itself look like a spiderbear and they are both frightened by it. They end up briefly backed in a corner where Illum is holding both of their hammers and Aati is holding both shields around him. As the fight goes on, they manage to break free of the illusion and are freed from their fear. After a tense fight, Aati gets an incredibly lucky throw of his kite shield, which catches the devil in the throat, completely decapitating it and sticking in the wall of the cabin. The devil’s head rests on top of the shield while purplish-blue blood sprays out of its neck on the bottom of the shield. Aati confirms that his blood is actually red because isn’t a devil. Andy decides that Illum’s blood actually looks like liquid gold. Carl the Gruel Man then comes in the room wearing a muumuu with Long Dong Silver at his side. Long Dong Silver and Carl the Gruel Man are alright, but Raina P. Laudenslager was murdered in his sleep by the devil before it came for them. Aati & Illum give Raina P. Laudenslager a funeral, burning his body on a proper funeral pyre. They use the remaining wood to unceremoniously burn the body of the devil. As the fire reaches the devil’s horns, it gives off a strange purple haze and our heroes find themselves beginning to hallucinate.
Episode 17 – Vision Quest
Posted on December 3, 2015
The group begins hallucinating from the smoke coming off the burning devil’s horns. Illum begins juggling imaginary blue lightning in his hands as Aati becomes convinced that he is standing too tall, so he decides to crawl around the cabin. They begin ransacking the house and find a bunch of cured, salted fish in a chest. They become convinced that water is alive and it is the water that makes fish move, so they start throwing the dead fish back in the nearby river. Long Dong Silver runs away and Illum begins to chase him. Aati sees a vision in the sky of a man with horns, a fish, a hooded figure, a whip, and a hand with long claws. Then he decides to get in the water and get the fish back. Illum has a vision of Sebastian the crab telling him to get in the water. Andy reveals that Illum’s last name is “Hanson.” They both struggle to swim in the water, trying to get their fish back before realizing that they can easily stand up in the river. Aati catches a live fish and thinks that he has resurrected one of the dead ones. He releases it and tells it to be free as Illum eats it. Joe rolls a critical miss on an erection check and Aati becomes self-conscious of being 1% erect for the first time. Aati attempts to poorly hide in the bushes until both paladins hear Long Dong Silver braying in a distressed manner in the distance. Aati casts heroism on himself as a mostly nude Illum grabs two live fish. The two paladins run toward Long Dong Silver, who seems to be surrounded by humanoid figures.
Episode 18 – A Big Juiced Up Baby
Posted on December 10, 2015
Aati & Illum see that Long Dong Silver is surrounded by guards at the city of Elmoor and they are pointing spears at him. Illum throws a fish at two of the guards as one approaches him with a spear drawn. Carl then uses his ladle to hurl some gruel at the guard. Aati hallucinates that the other guard has is actually a baby wearing adult armor and repeatedly talks to him like he’s a baby, infuriating the grown adult guardsman. The guard knocks Aati down with his spear as Aati believes that his face has literally melted off. Then, Aati gets the idea to pretend to be a dragon. He uses his thaumaturgy to make a dragon noise to scare the guard, but fails and makes dog noises by mistake. Carl throws more gruel at the third human guard and the gruel violently explodes. Then, Aati tries to get the guards to recognize that they aren’t a threat, saying that Long Dong Silver is a local celebrity, but due to his incoherent mumbling, he accidentally makes the guard think that he is a celebrity. The guard decides to let them all inside so they can sleep off the effects of whatever they are on. Aati hallucinates that the guard’s head has grown spider legs and crawled off of his body, but chooses to follow him along with Illum and the others.
Episode 19 – Hitting the Horny Bing Bong
Posted on December 17, 2015
The group is led through the city of Elmoor and sees that it is a large city with gigantic trees growing throughout and treehouses set up in the canopies and bases of the trees. There are stone buildings mixed in among the trees. While the elves live in the trees, humans and dwarves live in the traditional buildings. The group is taken to an underground jail cell and tries to go to sleep as Aati hallucinates spiders with baby heads crawling all over him. Illum repeatedly hears a voice telling him that he mustn’t forget, but he isn’t sure what he isn’t supposed to forget. They wake up the next morning with a vague recollection of how they got there. A jailer comes over and tells them that the door was unlocked and they can go now that they have sobered up. Illum asks if they have any food and the jailer says that they can take what they want from the pantry. Aati gets excited about this, because he says that his brothers from Del’Tassi were very fond of big events called “pantry raids”. It is unclear exactly what took place at the pantry raids, as Aati was never allowed to partake. The heroes grab some food and then prepare to head over to the temple of Elmoor.
Episode 20 – An Army or a Donkey Show
Posted on December 24, 2015
Aati, Illum, Carl the Gruel Man, and Long Dong Silver all head to the temple of Elmoor. On their way, they pass by an enormous building with engraved carvings in the wall that show elves around tables and in trees. They hear cheering coming from inside the building, but decide to investigate it later and they head to the temple. They put their amulets back around their necks in case anyone at the temple will recognize them and can give them information about the amulets. Aati rubs incense on his amulet to remove any offensive odor that might have come from storing his in his loincloth. Upon arrival, they find an elven scribe named E. L. Fudge, who agrees to lead them to the head brother in charge, Brother Vashenn. Upon arriving at his office, they find that he seems to be throwing a party in his office. He has a bunch of people being raucous and drinking. This is apparently a regular occurrence. Aati & Illum plead with him to send his troops out to defend the other temples, because they are sure that the Sons of the Scourge will attack again. Upon being told of the danger, Vashenn is dismissive and says that he can’t afford to send out any troops. Aati thinks quickly and challenges him to a drinking contest, saying that was how they settled things at his old monastery in Del’Tassi. Brother Vashenn is amused by the challenge, thinking there is no way that Aati can possibly win. He asks what Aati & Illum are wagering. They remember that Long Dong Silver is some kind of entertainer, so they offer to put on a show with him if they lose. Brother Vashenn accepts the bet and sets up a round of enormous steins for them to drink from as as Illum makes a small bet for a few gold with a random dwarf in the room. Aati struggles through his third drink, but manages to make it through. After a tough competition, Aati barely defeats Vashenn, who reluctantly agrees to send out the army. Aati & Illum ask him to send the troops to Cacot, as that is the least defended of the temples. Illum loses his drinking contest and pays up the gold that he owes. Now drunk, Aati stumbles into a dwarf who tells him to watch where he is going. The drunken Aati seems ready to fight him and the episode ends.
Episode 21 – Meet Me at Threeve
Posted on January 7, 2016
Illum holds back a drunken Aati to keep him from attacking the dwarf that is insulting him. The young dwarven man challenges Aati to a duel in the arena in 3 days and Aati accepts. Then, he storms off. Brother Vashenn explains to Aati that he just accepted a duel to the death and that his challenger was Pabarel Darkstone, the son of a councilman. He says that Pabarel is definitely going to hire a powerful champion to fight for him. Vashenn recommends that Aati find himself a champion to fight for him or else his life will be in grave danger. Aati & Illum go back to E.L.Fudge and ask him to send out messages to the other monasteries, asking them to reply back if they are safe. He says that it will be about two days before he hears back. Aati & Illum don’t want to get distracted from their mission, so they decide that they can accomplish more if they split up.. They agree to meet up at “threeve”, which is apparently a time that is a little after dark. Aati heads to the library, which is inside of a giant tree, hoping to find out more about the Sons of the Scourge and to read up about split souls. He discovers that the symbol of the eye on Illum’s shield has apparently been seen in the ruins of Khelukkhaz. He looks up information about the different cities within the ruins: Fardahl, Jomor, Kinet, and Sivashis. As he is looking through the geography section, he notices a place called “Appenness” and chuckles to himself. He reads about the ruins around Khelukkhaz, which are referenced in the books about the ancient Sons of the Scourge. Ruins near Khelukkhaz: Fardahl is closest of the city of Khelukkhaz. Nobody know what these ruins were built for. Series of buildings with lots of defenses built into the side of the mountains. Scrolls said that Illum’s shield’s eye symbol was seen there. Jomor is In the valley between the mountains. Has a coliseum that is haunted by wraiths and revenants. Kinet is an Old temple dedicated to worship of a god of fate, built on top of mountain peak with lots of imagery of wings and stars. There is a draconic legend that a dragon god can be spoken to at a temple of Kinet. Sivashis is made up of Ancient Dwarven cave tunnels built inside the mountain face. Most entrances are closed or caved in. He decides to head back to the cult section to find out about the Sons of the Scourge. Then, he comes upon a familiar figure.
Episode 22 – His Name Must Be Boo
Posted on January 14, 2016
Illum goes to the arena and finds it very segregated between the poor elves and rich dwarves. He learns that the deathmatches are used to settle personal disputes, but they are also spectator sports that the people bet on. He sees a deathmatch between a half-orc with a greataxe fighting against a rogue. Illum rolls a 1 on perception and mistakenly thinks that everyone is cheering for the half-orc and that his name must be “Boo.” He speaks to another spectator and a bookie about the match. The spectator says that the half-orc represents Clan Rockfoot. The half-orc quickly decapitates his opponent. Then, there is a match between a half-elf sorcerer and halfling ranger. The sorcerer shoots out lightning and fries his opponent. Illum learns that most people have champions fight for them and recognizes that the fighters in the arena are way too powerful for Aati to take on by himself. He goes to a tavern in the arena, which is full of contenders somberly getting drunk. He asks the bartender about the half-elf sorcerer and the bartender says that the sorcerer is pretty new and came from the other continent across the sea. The bartender gives Illum directions to the training area where he can find more experienced champions and he heads there hoping to find someone who can help them escape certain death. Meanwhile, Aati approaches the familiar figure in the library to discover that it is his old friend, Lane, from the Tarnstead monastery. Lane says that he is also here looking for information. Lane tells him that his research told him that and that there was another cult that went by the name “Sons of the Scourge” many years ago and they had something called an “inquisitor,”, but it is unclear if that cult is the same one that attacked Tarnstead. He says that he looked for Tristan near Cacot, Tarnstead, and Elmoor, but hadn’t found any trace of him. He says that he is headed west toward the coast and is planning on meeting an enclave of wizards that live along the coast. He then puts an enchantment on the orb that Aati had taken from the devil that he had defeated earlier. He says that the enchantment would allow him to communicate to Aati from a distance. Aati casts Detect Good and Evil to make sure that the devil orb isn’t cursed out of fear that other devils could listen in on their communications, but as far as he can tell, it doesn’t seem to be evil and Lane seems confident that no one else would be able to hear. Lane heads off and leaves Aati in the library.
Episode 23 – Barely Legal Level 3 Paladins
Posted on January 21, 2016
Illum looks up the list of champions currently for hire and sees 4 names: Elhalin, Fanetan, L’shen, and Barrel. He hears that the half-elf sorcerer who he had just seen fight was Elhalin. He sees that another champion, Fanetan, apparently likes to hang out at a local tavern called The Big Green Apple, while Barrel listed himself as being available at a different tavern called the Queen’s Sword. A note next to L’shen’s name says that he has a fight the next day at midday and that he’s looking for work. Illum decides to head to the Big Green Apple to meet Fanetan. He arrives and sees that it is built into an enormous hollowed out tree and is full of poor looking elves drinking cheap beer. He meets Fanetan, an elf who says that he is fighting to buy himself a proper home since he lives in a tree. He says that he’ll charge $1700 gold (an absurd amount). Illum tries to offer him a special show from Long Dong Silver or some special gruel from Carl the Gruel Man. Fanetan sarcastically says that he would help them for free if Aati & Illum could somehow make fix the oppression in Elmoor and allow the elves to be treated as equals to the dwarves. Hearing about their plight, Illum becomes resolved to help fix the system even if Fanetan doesn’t fight for them. Meanwhile, Aati finds a book on extraplanar beings called “Demi-gods and Powerful Beings from Other Dimensions: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” He reads it to find that extraplanar beings sometimes split themselves into different parts as a method of traveling between the planes, but they can only be reunited if their parts know that they are split souls, so it often fails or takes many lifetimes. Aati checks the book out in the hopes of reading it later and finding out more about the being that split to become him and his soul-brother. He attempts to buy the book, but the librarian says that he can only check it out and must return it in three days. Meanwhile, Illum is exiting the Big Green Apple when he hears a rustling in the bushes behind him.
Episode 24 – Head Cannon
Posted on January 28, 2016
It is getting close to Threeve, so Aati returns to the meeting spot and becomes concerned when he doesn’t see Illum there. At the same time, Illum looks behind him to investigate the rustling in the bushes when two armed elves in masks jump out and attack him. One of the elves has two short swords and the other has a bow. Frankie the DM agrees to let the players roll perception checks at the same time and they miraculously get identical numbers. Because of this, Frankie decides that Aati’s amulet begins to glow and causes him to sense that Illum is in danger. He begins running to aid his ally. Illum manages to attack the elf with the short swords and smashes his head in with his hammer. Some of the patrons of the bar come out to help. One of them takes out a dagger and another takes out a crossbow and they attempt to aid the assailants, thinking that Illum is the attacker. Illum tries to convince the bar patrons that he was the victim here and insists that “lawful good guys don’t jump out of the bushes wearing masks and brandishing weapons!” Naturally, when Aati approaches, he sees a shortcut through the bushes, but there are thorns in the bushes that cut at his face, so he takes out the makeshift mask that he had made back at the druid temple and puts it on to protect his face from the thorns. He then jumps out of the bushes, wearing his mask and brandishing his weapon, yelling for everyone to stop. The bar patrons with the dagger and the crossbow realize that Aati & Illum weren’t the attackers and stop fighting them. The crossbow guy inspects the body of the elf that Illum killed and says that he recognizes that man. The crossbow guy and dagger guy take them back into the bar, which is empty because everyone else fled out the back, and give them drinks. The dagger guy introduces himself and his name is coincidentally happens to be Dagur’Gai. Illum leaves money on the bar to pay for his drink as Dagur’Gai promises to find out the identity of the slain elf for them so they can figure out who would want to attack them and why. Aati tries to toss him a coin as a tip, but rolls a critical miss and accidentally spills coins all over the floor instead, then leaves awkwardly. The two then go back to sleep and Aati reads his book about extraplanar beings, but doesn’t learn much. He teaches Illum how to say “You’re my best friend” in the Infernal language and they go to sleep.
Episode 25 – Illumie Sanders 2016
Posted on February 4, 2016
In the morning, Aati does some more reading as Illum goes to a standard-maker to make him a banner and horse/donkey barding that says “The Champion of Tarnstead” with white writing on a crimson background. Meanwhile, Aati reads his book, going through the section on Dwarven gods, hoping to see information about the three-headed Dwarven statue that they fought in the dungeon beneath Tarnstead’s temple. He doesn’t find anything about that being, but he is able to rule out any of the known Dwarven deities as being the source of his soul. The two then meet up and talk to E.L.Fudge to see if the temple has spell components that they can use. E.L. Fudge points them to the quartermaster’s office. They head there and take some holy water, a compact silver mirror, and holy writs. Aati accidentally spills some holy water on his hand and it steams a bit. Illum does the same thing and nothing happens, but they both try not to think about it. The two then head back to the arena to see their potential champion. They settle in among the stands and Illum starts talking to one of the audience members. Aati asks if the fighters have the option to forfeit if things get too dangerous. The audience member says he has never heard of such a thing happening. The matches have always ended in the death of one of the participants. Then, the next competitors enter: two human rogues. One is L’shen the rogue and the other is a mysterious opponent from the western continent. L’shen seems to be stabbing the opponent repeatedly, but the opponent is unphased and quickly kills L’shen with a stab up through his chin. Then, the trainer comes out. Andy jokes about him being dressed as a rodeo clown and Frankie agrees to let him roll a dice to determine if he actually is. Andy successfully rolls the first “canon dice” and it is determined that the trainer is wearing a rainbow wig, big pants, and a red nose as he carries away L’shen’s corpse. Having lost one of their potential champions, they try to find out about the mysterious opponent that beat him. They head to the training area and encounter Elhalin, who tells them that he would fight for them for 500 gold. They ask if there’s anything he could do it in exchange for and he says that he is in love with Vanesha Darkstone, but can’t marry her because he is half-elf and of low status. He says that he would fight for them for free if they could find a way that he could get approval to marry her. He says that he got his powers from a dragon to the East and tells them to read the PHB (player’s handbook), but Aati thinks it is some kind of sexual innuendo. He says that he isn’t interested, while Illum is intrigued. On their way out, they walk past the arena’s tavern and are pulled over by the bartender, who tells them that the fighter who killed L’shen is a no name from the western continent who is trying to make a name for himself. Most of the new fighters sleep at the arena, so he tells them to return later if they want to meet this new fighter. They decide to return later and they leave, heading for the Queen’s Sword to try their luck convincing Barrel to help them. On their way, they find the air quality to be low, so they put their masks back on as they walk through the Elven slums. Then, Aati notices a small Elven child stealing his pack and begins chasing the child.
Episode 26 – The Lawful Good Hustle
Posted on February 11, 2016
Aati manages to catch the Elven child and holds him up by the collar while all of the local elves look on in fear. Joe uses his canon dice roll to successfully determine that the robber isn’t actually an Elven child, but in fact the high-pitched halfling who they had purchased their magic belts from. They decide that he is actually the cousin of Tayoris “Ted” Longperson and they call him Shah-pu Ki-pa Longperson. He claims to have no recollection of how he got there or what he was doing, believing that he was under some sort of enchantment. He asks what day it is and Illum responds that it is “Funday,” which is apparently a canonical day in this world. They manage to convince him to come along with them and they head to the Queen’s Sword tavern to meet Barrel. Barrel is a dwarf wearing the most finest and most elaborate armor in the bar. Aati tells him their story and he says that he is trying to become a smith for the Hammers of Moradin. He has been showing off his smithwork by wearing his own armor and competing in the arena, choosing to fight only on behalf of people who he believed to be good. Aati & Illum agree to speak to their order and see if they can get him initiated. Illum buys a round of beers and gets two for him, but Aati drinks his second one before Illum can give it to him. Then, they head back to the Big Green Apple and ask Dagur’gai about the elf who attacked Illum the night before. Dagur’gai said that he heard that the person was part of a known group of thieves who had been targeting non-elves. Illum insists that they must be bad because they’re wearing masks as he and Aati awkwardly remove their own masks. Afterward, they head to the arena where the competitors sleep. One of the gladiators says that he isn’t familiar with the man who killed L’shen, but that he’s probably all the way upstairs. They go upstairs and are blocked by a pair of guards. One refuses to talk to them, angering Illum. The other says that the council members’ private seats are up the stairs. The paladins give up on trying to pass and head back to the temple. Carl the Gruel Man is asleep, but left three bowls of gruel for them. Illum asks how to say “unhand him” in Infernal. Aati teaches him, but he accidentally pronounces it wrong and says the most offensive thing you can say in Infernal (“your mother is a good cook”). Then, he goes to sleep as Aati reads his book and looks through draconic deities. He doesn’t find anything about the source of his soul, but he sees that there is a draconic legend about a dragon deity that can be spoken to in Kinet. Then, Aati goes to sleep as well. Later on in the night, Illum is woken by the sound of broken glass. He looks around to discover that Shah-pu Ki-pa, Carl the Gruel Man, and Long Dong Silver are all suddenly missing.
Episode 27 – I’m Hung, They’re Hanged
Posted on February 18, 2016
Aati & Illum begin to investigate the temple to find their missing friends. As they investigate, they come upon two reanimated corpses with nooses around their necks, so they decide to put on their armor. Once they are suited up, Aati & Illum run up and fight the zombies. Aati tries grabbing the zombie by the noose and swinging it toward Illum for a combo move, but ends up nearly hitting illum with the zombie instead. They eventually manage to defeat the ghouls before hearing noises coming from upstairs. They move toward the sounds to investigate, but end up encountering two more noose zombies. The zombies manage to get their nooses around Aati & Illum’s necks. Aati tries to counter the noose and use it to break the zombie’s neck, but the rope wraps around his neck and he falls unconscious. Illum heals Aati and helps him cut the rope around his neck, causing that zombie to crumble to dust. Then, Illum is knocked unconscious by the remaining zombie’s rope wrapping around his neck. Being too weak to survive another attack, Aati uses his last spell slot for one big hit on the zombie and the episode ends on a cliffhanger, unclear whether or not Aati did enough damage to finish off the zombie or if it is going to defeat him in the next turn.
Episode 28 – The Rusty Front-Butt
Posted on February 25, 2016
Illum suddenly wakes up to the smell of fresh gruel and worries that he might be in Heaven (or Moradin’s version of Heaven). Then, he realizes that the events of the previous episode were all a really lame nightmare that only he remembers. Carl, Long Dong Silver, and Shah-pu Ki-pa are all present and unharmed. It is the last day before Aati’s death match and they decide to speak to Brother Vashenn about letting Barrel become a smith for the temple. Brother Vashenn is in the middle of a party and drunkenly points them downstairs to the forges. He says that it is up to the master smith to determine who gets in. They see the dwarves in the forges and question how often the dwarves accidentally burn their beards in the forges. There is apparently a sign that says it has been 72 days since the last beard burning. They speak to the Master Smith, whose name is Wil. Wil the Smith tells them that he only lets in dwarves from noble families. Illum convinces him to consider giving Barrel a shot if they can prove he is at least distantly related to one of the families. Then, on their way out, they see the oldest dwarf in the forge with the longest beard, who is crafting an incredibly ornate breastplate. The dwarf is weary to discuss how he became a smith, but he is interested to hear about Barrel and says that he could test Barrel and let him in on merit if Barrel’s work is good enough. The dwarf attempts to introduce himself, but Joe interrupts Frankie the DM and rolls canon dice to determine that the dwarf’s name is Uncle Phyll. Andy adds in that Uncle Phyll used to be a great warrior and tore up his opponents on the battlefield. He was known as “The Shredder”. Aati & Illum leave as they promise to go speak to Barrel and send him over to have his craftsmanship tested by Uncle Phyll.
Episode 29 – The Opposite of Michael Jackson
Posted on March 4, 2016
Aati & Illum head over to the Queen’s Sword to meet Barrel. On the way, they see a Dwarven nobleman with a cool hammer who trips over an Elven child and spit on the child. Aati runs over to help the child, but the child is scared of him and runs away. They go to the bar and meet Barrel, telling him to take examples of his work to the temple and meet Uncle Phyll for an audition to become Phyll’s apprentice. Barrel is ecstatic to hear the news and offers to be their champion, but Aati & Illum have a change of heart, deciding that they wouldn’t feel right sending someone else to risk his life for them. Barrel is blown away that they helped him without expecting anything in return and offers to give Aati some custom armor for the fight. Aati graciously accepts as he buys them both a round of ale. Aati drinks one or two while Illum gets completely hammered. Then, they leave and the drunk Illum attempts to lead Aati to the shop to pick up the banner that he ordered for them. On their way, they get lost and happen upon the Dwarven nobleman from earlier, except he is being mugged in an alley by an Elven woman who is wearing a mask like the ones worn by the Elves who had previously attacked Illum. Aati decides to intervene, because, even though the the Dwarf is horrible, he can’t stand by and let him be robbed or killed. The Elven thief holds a knife to the Dwarf’s throat and tries to remind him Aati about the injustices that Elves face in this city. Aati argues that two wrongs don’t make a right and this isn’t the way to go about making things better. While the thief is distracted by a drunken Illum, the Dwarf kicks out at her and they begin to fight. Aati uses his command ability and a persuasion roll to try to get the dwarf to run, but both fail as he continues fighting and calling for his guards. The elf drops one of her daggers and Aati gets between her and the dagger. She manages to persuade him that she won’t hurt him if he uses the dagger. Aati interprets this as her saying that she won’t hurt any of them and lets her take the dagger back as the fight resumes. Finally, the dwarf’s bodyguards show up. Because one of the miniatures is leaning over really far, they begin to joke that it looks like Michael Jackson in the Smooth Criminal video. Andy rolls canon dice to make it so that the bodyguard is a fantasy Dwarf version of Michael Jackson. He rolls a critical failure and they decide that means that the bodyguard is the opposite of Michael Jackson, which is apparently OJ Simpson. The bodyguard rides in on a white bronco and throws down bloody gauntlet as the fight seems ready to begin in earnest.
Episode 30 – Don’t Look a Gift Horse in its Ass
Posted on January 21, 2017
Our friend, Matt, joins us as a guest for this episode. Aati continues trying to avoid a fight at all costs while Illum fights the bodyguards (O’Jae and Not O’Jae). The dwarven noble gets frustrated and attacks Aati, who uses his command ability to make the Dwarven noble drop his fancy hammer. The Elven thief kicks the hammer behind her and he attempts to run. As he runs, the elf attacks him from behind and knocks him down. Aati tries to shove her and tell her to leave, but rolls a critical miss and falls face first into her cleavage and gets a bloody nose from embarrassment like a lame anime character. He manages to roll a high enough charisma roll to avoid getting slapped in the face as she realizes that it was a mistake. Then, he tries to help Illum with the bodyguards as the elf throws devices on the ground. When O’Jae rushes past Aati, he steps on one of the devices and it turns out to be a rudimentary landmine. It explodes, knocking him back on top of Aati. Meanwhile, the dwarven noble tries to run past his guards. Illum knocks him down, but he manages to escape. At the same time, Aati tries to fight the guards, but keeps missing. Joe complains about his low dice rolls, so Andy uses an app to generate a dice roll for him and, of course, rolls a 1. Aati’s critical miss causes him to drop his shield and accidentally kick it 15 feet away. Then, Illum knocks out the bodyguard that isn’t O’Jae. O’Jae attempts to crawl to his bronco, but Illum knocks him out. Aati then smacks the bronco on the rear so that it runs off. He hears a voice that says, “That was a free horse, dumbass!” Andy rolls canon dice to make it so the horse was actually the one talking. With a middling roll, Frankie the DM determines that they aren’t certain exactly who said that phrase or where it came from, but Aati definitely believes that the horse could talk. With the fight concluded, the Elven thief begins disabling the traps that she had thrown down. Aati tries to convince her not to take the nobleman’s hammer, but he is too tired to argue with her, so she takes it. She says that the hammer will be used for good and that it means more to the city than they realize. She is about to leave, but Illum insists that Aati deserves more information since he tried so hard to keep her safe while diffusing the situation. She says that she can’t talk there, so they begin to follow her to somewhere more private to find out more about her motives.
Episode 31 – The Hero of Tarnstead
Posted on January 29, 2017
Because Aati is running low on time, he says that he has a deathmatch in the morning and asks if she can just talk to the elf in the alley.. She whispers in Aati’s ear that her name is Galrana and tells them that she can be found in the cellar beneath the Big Green Apple. They promise to meet up with her after the match. Then, they head to the embroidery shop and pick up the flag and barding and that says “The Hero of Tarnstead” on the side. Afterward, they go back to the temple and talk to E.L.Fudge, who tells them that he got back two messages from Cacot. The first one says that Cacot is fine and thanks them for the troops that they had sent. The second message says that Cacot is concerned about the city of Waleah because they haven’t heard from Waleah in some time. Aati & Illum go to their room, have some gruel, and Aati does some reading. He reads about Elven gods, but then gets spooked by a picture of a forest guardian that looks like a spiderbear, so he stops. Illum asks him to teach him something special in Infernal. Aati teaches him to say “Bibba Dooba Bobba Deeba Do,” but then decides that he’ll tell Illum what it means after the fight and they go to sleep. Aati wakes up before the rest of the group and decides to head up to a balcony to clear his head. Illum wakes up to find him missing and asks E.L.Fudge where to find him. When Illum comes upon him, Aati is meditating while watching the sun rise over the mountains. Aati expresses sadness at the fact that he can’t see the ocean from here. He says that he’s never seen it, but he has always wanted to. Illum assures him that he will have plenty of time to see it after the fight. The two head back to the room where Carl has made Aati his favorite kind of gruel (gray). Then, Long Dong Silver comes in with a rose in his mouth and gives it to Aati. Aati tucks the rose between his ear and horn for good luck. Illum gives Aati his shield and his teleportation ring and then reveals that he has carved Aati’s initials on the inside of the shield. Aati thanks them all. They head to the arena and wait in the holding area to be announced. While they are waiting, Aati asks Illum to finish reading the book he has and that, if anything happens to him, Illum needs to find out what happens to “Split Souls” when they die, but Illum assures him that won’t happen. Aati casts a shield spell on himself and hugs Illum. Meanwhile, Long Dong Silver wanders into the ring and their opponent, Nemestraehi (played by Matt), kills him. Aati & Illum end their embrace in surprise as they hear Carl the Gruel Man scream out, “Long Dong Silver, no!”
Episode 32 – Will Aati Survive?
Posted on February 8, 2017
Aati sees Carl the Gruel Man ready to run into the arena, but he uses the teleport ring to get in front of Carl and hold him back. That is when Aati finally sees Long Dong Silver’s corpse. The enraged Aati runs in at his opponent, Nemestraehi, and slams down on him with his hammer, while Illum holds back Carl the Gruel Man. Aati realizes that Nemestraehi is too powerful for him to beat if they trade blows, so his only chance of winning is to take out his enemy quickly. Aati uses every one of his spell slots in the first two moves as he delivers a series of powerful hits. Then, Nemestraehi lands a single hit on his leg and a shadowy substance begins coming out of the wound. Aati quickly responds with a Hellish Rebuke, mumbling an infernal chant and pointing as Nemestraehi is wreathed in flame. Before Aati can land another hit, his body is paralyzed by whatever dark magic or poison Nemestraehi infected him with, as the shadowy material now engulfs most of his body. Illum uses his Command ability to try to make Nemestraehi feel the pangs of regret for what he has done, but he fails to get through to the assassin. As Nemestraehi begins cutting away at Aati, Aati calls out for help from his companion, claiming that Nemestraehi is cheating. Illum immediately comes running in, yelling for Aati to pray with him. Both players roll dice to have their characters say a quiet prayer. Andy uses all of his points from his Lucky feat to try to roll the same number as Joe, in the hopes that it will trigger their amulets to help them, but he fails to get a matching roll all 4 times. Despite this, Illum runs in and lands a Thunderous Smite on Nemestraehi’s head, causing Nemestraehi to explodes into bits of shadow as the arena comes crumbling down around them from the explosion, killing most of the members of the audience and knocking Aati unconscious.
Episode 33 – Aati Survives
Posted on February 8, 2017
Illum rushes over to the unconscious Aati to revive him, but when he puts his hand on Aati’s body, his hand is burnt by a wave of shadowy energy coming off of Aati’s body. This startles Aati awake and he looks at his surroundings as the arena crumbles around him. He stands over the body of Long Dong Silver and tearfully remembers the vow that he made on Telfor’s grave that he would do what he could to keep his friends from dying. He picks up the rose that Long Dong Silver had given him, which had now lost all of its petals. He takes out the health potion that once belonged to Telfor and drinks it to heal his wounds, which only adds to his pain. Suddenly, the shadowy material begins taking control of the corpses of the slain audience members. Three corpses rise as zombies and begin to approach Aati and Illum. There is an elf zombie, a dwarf zombie, and a human zombie with it’s head hanging off of its neck. Aati’s first concern is to try to rush past the zombies to see if Carl is alright, but Carl calls out from behind the rubble to let him know that he’s safe. Aati & Illum then turn their attention to fighting the zombies. Illum knocks off the human zombie’s head, which causes it to explode the same way that Nemestraehi had exploded, but on a smaller scale, damaging both Aati & Illum. Aati tries to get away from the other zombies, but the Dwarf zombie takes an opportunity attack at him while he is running; however, it critically misses, causing it to fall neck first on the edge of Aati’s shield and explode on him. Illum then kills the remaining elf zombie. Then, bits of shadow energy appear on the ground and Nemestraehi re-forms from the shadows. Aati tries to heal himself, but he seems to have been infected with the shadow energy and his Lay on Hands ability actually causes him more damage. He then uses his shadow magic to summon a patch of tentacles on the ground that swipe at Nemestraehi. The two then have a fierce battle with Nemestraehi as he warps between the patches of shadow on the ground. Nemestraehi attacks with shadows which damage them even if the physical attack missed and he manages to knock out Aati, but Illum revives him with his Lay on Hands ability. Suddenly, Aati accidentally uses the shadow power to warp himself into the ethereal plane, disappearing from the sight of Illum and their opponent. He is too confused to use this to his advantage as he reappears, critically missing Nemestraehi and dropping his hammer. As he goes to pick it up, he is surprised to see a small tentacle monster that he had somehow summoned. He recognizes it as a friend and ask it to help him and Illum fight. Aati & Illum are at a disadvantage while fighting Nemestraehi in the shadow patch, but the tentacle companion manages to wrap around Nemestraehi and explode, destroying them both. As Aati looks at the carnage around him, Illum finally able to take a moment to kneel down by the body of his companion, Long Dong Silver. Aati puts his hand on Illum’s shoulder as they mourn their lost friend.
Episode 34 – It Might have Been Satan and a Wolf
Posted on February 14, 2017
Having finally defeated Nemestraehi, Aati & Illum look around amongst the ruins of the destroyed stadium. They attempt to aid the wounded as much as they can and free a trapped elven child from under some rubble. Then, they climb through the broken stands to get to the box seats where Pabarel Darkstone and the other nobles were sitting. Illum looks on in horror as Aati angrily sifts through the bodies, eventually finding the nearly dead Pabarel Darkstone. Aati demands answers about what kind of monster he had sent into the ring with them, but Pabarel is too out of it to respond. Aati tries laying his hands on him, but instead of holy light, dark tendrils come out of his hand and enter Pabarel, causing him to convulse and become unresponsive. Using his medical knowledge, Aati manages to stabilize him. Because Aati’s Lay on Hands ability doesn’t seem to work and Illum has used his up for the day, they agree to take him back to the temple where the other paladins can heal him. Aati carries Pabarel back down to to the floor of the arena, where they try to reunite with Carl. Carl is still on the other side of some rubble and says he doesn’t know where Shah-pu Ki-pa is. Andy uses his canon dice to successfully decide that Shah-pu Ki-pa is actually next to them looting the bodies of those killed in the arena explosion. Aati & Illum try to explain to him that he shouldn’t steal, but he doesn’t seem to understand why they object to it. He promises to leave the loot on the corpses and then proceeds to pocket it when they aren’t looking. Carl the Gruel Man then uses his magical gruel to blow the rubble out of the way. Illum picks up the body of Long Dong Silver, deciding that they will bury him back at the monastery, and they go toward the exit. As they get outside, they see that elves and dwarves have begun brawling in the streets outside the arena. Upon seeing this, Aati takes out the cloth mask that he had made and uses it to cover Pabarel’s face in order to avoid anyone recognizing him and attacking. Aati & Illum both look for a clear path among those fighting. Having rolled the same number on their perception check, their amulets begin to shine the way and clear a path for them. Following the path, they make it to the temple unnoticed. As they walk in the door, Aati calls out that they have Pabarel Darkstone with them, which immediately catches the attention of a cleric who begins to heal him. Aati explains to the cleric that he needs Pabarel to be conscious so that he can punch Pabarel in the face. The cleric quickly moves Pabarel away from him. Aati tries to promise that he won’t punch Pabarel, but decides that Moradin wouldn’t want him to lie, so he admits that he is definitely going to punch him once he is awake. As the cleric heals Pabarel, Aati’s dark energy exits his body, burning the cleric’s hand and returning Pabarel to consciousness. Pabarel immediately exclaims that it is Aati & Illum who destroyed the stadium and Aati punches him in the face, knocking him right back into unconsciousness. Having been accused by the son of a councilman and assaulted him, Aati & Illum are surrounded by paladins of Moradin and arrested. They surrender peacefully and are taken down to a cell on a lower floor, but request that E.L. Fudge come to see them so they can explain the situation to him. While they are waiting, they sit down against the walls and get a full rest, allowing them both to advance to level 5.